BLOG.THENARCISSISTINYOURLIFE.COM

Narcissistic In-Laws---Identify Them and Protect Yourself

LindaMartinezLewi — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 05:00:37 GMT

You don't have any control over who are your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and other family members. And you can not determine who will become your in-laws. And that is a huge dilemma if they are narcissists. One narcissistic in-law can spoil your whole day and more ----if you let them. I'm not saying it is easy to maneuver their circuitous, deceitful, ruthless ways. The first step is in identifying them as quickly as possible. It is invaluable for you to spend some time studying the narcissistic personality---the character disorder of our time. Once you know that one or some of your in-laws are narcissists, keep out of their range. There are few things that they love to do more than trapping you in a corner all alone and project their psychological venom on to you. Do not be alone with these people. Their toxic bursts are non-stop. Narcissistic in-laws lie about family members all of the time. It's like a sport with them. They are seeking complete control of the family including family assets. You say---but they're family!!!!No, they are not. They carry this title in name only. They are ruthless, treacherous narcissists who will endeavor to brainwash or vanquish everyone in the family, stepping over everyone to get to the very top. And often they do---by stealth, cunning, pretending to care deeply about someone whom they can control. Never sell these individuals short. I have known of cases in which a narcissistic in-law stole three inheritances that didn't belong to them. They became executors, won the trust of unwitting family members and they never got caught. It's hard to believe but this happens.

Protect yourself from these vipers. If there are other family members who are as perceptive as you and recognize their true natures, form an alliance with them. In some cases they have undermined everyone. Family members are living under the spell of the toxic in-law and you have to step aside and protect yourself and lead your life free from them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Surrounded by Narcissists---Let Your Light Shine

LindaMartinezLewi — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 06:51:52 GMT

There are many extraordinary human beings who grew up in narcissistic families. Mother, father, sisters, brothers, in-laws, grandparents---every pattern imaginable exists. This is one of the most difficult family constellations for a growing child. In some cases there are surrogate parents in the form of a brother, sister, aunt, grandparent, who provides a sense of acceptance, affection and being cared for. In others the child grows up very isolated, believing that this family is the only reality. Other children see through the charade early and learn to maneuver through their own lives by keeping themselves almost invisible, pretending to go along with the narcissistic family delusion, while maintaining their own sense of reality. Some children escape into books, spend a lot of time at the homes of friends, learn a great deal from their teachers, use their imaginations for creative purposes and insulate themselves from the pathology that surrounds them.

At some point the children in narcissistic families discover that the people who"raised" them were unable to be genuine. As narcissists they lived as false often grandiose selves. Getting in touch with the real self is not possible for the narcissist. Children in these families are often highly favored as special and superior. Many of them become narcissists and repeat the family pattern.

Those who step out and separate and individuate from the narcissistic family of origin take a monumental passage forward to re-acquaint themselves with their true selves and all of their special gifts, talents and energies that they have concealed from themselves for so long. One of the purposes we are here on earth is to manifest our creative gifts in the special form it takes in each individual. The maxim--"Let your light shine" is a wise one and essential to leading whole, healing and triumphant lives. You may be surprised at how many of your creative gifts you have left lying fallow. Many are amazed at the rich capacities that they have deep within them. The other part of your healing is in sharing what you have learned with others. There are so many people who feel trapped by the narcissistic personality.in each family constellation. Some of those who are now living in the freedom of the light communicate their journeys in various forms--writing, art, being active in support groups.

We celebrate your perseverance through this process and the emergence of your real self that has been waiting all of your life to become the person you were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Shameless Narcissists Project Shame on their Spouses

LindaMartinezLewi — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:57:40 GMT

Shame is a complex intolerable feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability, feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way. A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them--making them feel small and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..

Narcissists are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation, even have you fired---For these serious transgressions of human decency they feel no shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in their outrageous and hurtful behaviors. Narcissists are particularly brutal with their spouses. They create reasons to shame their partners. Riding along with the shaming is their volcanic rage. Here there is no let up. They constantly scream in your face, slam doors, hit walls, then revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these wretched scenes the narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic spouses are constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to keep you desperate, to throttle your nerve endings. Shaming is one of their most effective evil tools. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as a child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so familiar to them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to reinforce how they feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses, after years of being belittled and laughed out and dragged through the mud of abuse, wake up and realize they don't deserve to be treated in this abusive manner.

The work of separating permanently from the narcissistic spouse has begun. This passage may not be easy or smooth but it is worth the journey. I am in communication with many spouses who have made this final separation from the narcissistic spouse. With the help of the support of family members and/or other members of their social group together with those who benefit from excellent psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives. They don't have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Spouses of Narcissists---Treated as Objects and Possessions

LindaMartinezLewi — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:19:47 GMT

Those who are married to narcissists are not treated as individuals. You are the ultimate living narcissistic supply. What could be better for a narcissist to have a woman at his side who projects the perfect image and enhances the narcissist's persona in business and public life. You have your own profession and career. You deserve tremendous credit for all of the smart work you have done to build your professional status and to achieve the respect of your business associates and your bosses. Despite the excellent work you are doing and what you are achieving and mastering, your narcissistic spouse is not impressed. He may use your work status as a way of embroidering his image but in private you are demeaned and treated like an inferior.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy or intimacy of any kind. The spouse is an object that the narcissist possesses. Many spouses of narcissists report that while they were married to the narcissist they felt like they were leading his or her life not their own. Narcissistic spouses are often very envious of their husbands or wives. They perceive you as a possible power threat in the relationship. When this becomes obvious, that's when their verbal attacks step out. The non-narcissistic spouse is worn down by the constant unrelenting put downs, verbal assaults, humiliating remarks and attempts to high jack your personal and professional life. Some spouses are so subdued and brainwashed that they feel forced to ask permission from the narcissist even in making personal decisions. If you have a great idea, the narcissistic spouse criticizes you , then decides it was his concept in the first place and it is brilliant.

After spending a number of years married to a narcissist, the partner often become emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausted. There is very little respite. Some spouses report that they can't wait for their narcissistic spouse to leave on business trips. The abused spouse counts the hours before departure.
Some abused spouses finally recognize that they don't deserve to be treated like objects or possessions. They come to these realizations through psychotherapy, their own insights and close friendships that provide them with loving support and patient listening. Spouses who make the decision to renew their lives by leaving the imprisonment of marriage to a narcissist re-discover that they are unique individuals who deserve respect, the use of all of the creative gifts and islands of inner peace. The journey is worth the challenge it often takes to extricate oneself from a narcissistic spouse. Keep your concentration and focus on your goal---reclaiming the person you were born to become. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissistic Sociopath---Free yourself--Create a New Life

LindaMartinezLewi — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 00:05:54 GMT

Narcissistic sociopaths are a growing in our current societal climate of greed, ruthlessness and lack of conscience. The sociopath I am describing is the bloodless kind---one who doesn't cause direct physical violence. The people that I describe are much too clever to get caught. They appear to follow laws and rules. They thrive on an image of high achievement, well honed social skills, the appearance of empathy (called pseudo empathy) personal charisma and a tremendous capacity of persuasion. Meeting one of these individuals, one can feel their personal magnetism. This is the irresistible bait that hooks many people into their world. Beneath the surface, inside the narcissistic sociopath is their belief that they are superior and in complete control of others.

They are exploitive of everyone, especially those whom they marry. They fool most people; that's how cunning and clever they are. If you have been married to a narcissist for a while you know that your life is being controlled by your partner on many levels. On the surface it doesn't appear that way. The spouse is often reaping the benefits of the sociopath's success and public prominence----even the image of a "good character" he has created for himself. Spouses of narcissistic sociopaths often have their own careers and believe that they are savvy about human nature. Despite your successes, your sociopathic spouse is using you as a narcissistic supply to reach his goals not yours. Your deep feelings, worries, inner thoughts don't matter to him. Sociopaths are not familiar with their inner selves nor are they the least bit interested in what another person is feeling.They are very cunning at reading other when it is to their advantage. They often take their opponents and enemies off center and throw them aside. This is often the case with spouses married to narcissistic sociopaths. These individuals cannot be loyal to anyone, their wives included. They lead many lives with different women in secret. They have girlfriends, mistresses, short and long affairs, etc. This is very exciting to them. Even the danger of getting caught allures them to the chase and conquest.

Many wives of narcissistic sociopaths avert their eyes to the unethical, immoral and often illegal activities in which their husbands are engaged. They don't want to know the details so that they can pretend that they are married to a decent person and that their lives will remain predictable, secure financially and exciting socially. The enraged, threatening, dismissive, outrageously demanding sociopath comes to the surface sometimes in public but most often in private. He has no respect for your person. You can be tormented day and night by this highly disturbed individual. You are blamed for his mistakes. You are told that you will be replaced. He looks in your face and screams about your appearance: "You're ugly and getting old. I can't stand looking at you any more." "You ungrateful b----! I've given everything to you and gotten nothing in return but misery."
The narcissistic sociopath foams at the mouth with poisonous projections that enter your mind and body and create a state of siege inside that cannot be quieted. You develop physical symptoms from the 24/7 stress and insomnia. It is hard to get food down. This is a crisis that must be addressed. At this point some spouses decide that they can no longer live this way. They are harming themselves, staying with a threatening abusive spouse. If they have children they recognize that this family constellation is toxic to them as well. Spouses that leave narcissistic sociopaths go through a process of severing the emotional ties to this individual even though they have been mistreated throughout the marriage. For others there is a great relief.

After the divorce, the spouses who made this decision re-direct their lives. They are no longer being controlled or threatened. Some find that good psychotherapy is important in going through the process of becoming completely independent from their previous life. The creative juices begin to flow once more. Opportunities for healthy relationships with friends new and old are a great source of support. The freed spouse now defines herself, is unfettered and learns to appreciate a peaceful environment outside and deep within the self. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Greed and Psychological Emptiness--Hallmarks of the Narcissistic Personality

LindaMartinezLewi — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 21:33:40 GMT

Greed cannot be permanently satiated. Narcissists are obsessed with what they want. they are in an ongoing cycle of desire or want, behavior that will get them to their goal, the attainment of their desires. They are temporarily satiated. Soon the fires of desire which have only been tamped down, arise high on the horizon and the narcissist is off on another quest. Narcissists are so self entitled that their greed is ravenous, a hunger that continues throughout their lives. Our narcissistic society rewards the greedy. If you become very successful without obeying the rules or the law, most people don't care. The narcissist carefully conceals the dirty tricks and treachery he/she used to stand at the top tier. He is revered, given special privileges, venerated by many.

Those who live with him tell a very different story. His spouse and children get the brunt of narcissist's underside when the family is in private. The public image is off. The ugly underbelly, the bestial hateful side of the narcissist is exposed. Inside of these homes spouses and children cower. They are screamed at, intimidated, treated with both scorn and neglect, threatened, psychologically whipped (in some instances the whipping is physical).

Beneath the rampant greed , creation of a perfect false image is a powerful unrelenting unconscious psychological emptiness that can never be filled. The internal life of the narcissist is bleak and shallow. He cannot go inside to find a calm essence, a loving heart, an abiding truth, a deep caring. All of these inner doors are closed to him. He is filled with unconscious self hatred which he constantly projects on to others, especially his spouse and children. In the work place, the narcissist seeks the vulnerable on whom he can eject his venom and threaten their careers.

Pathological greed and psychological emptiness are essential character traits of the narcissistic personality that will not change. Don't expend your energy and strength on trying to change this severe personality disorder.You are in charge of yourself. Learn about the narcissist in-depth, the personality disorder of our time. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Hold Spouses Psychologically Hostage

LindaMartinezLewi — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:18:45 GMT

"Casting one's lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are invaded...The narcissist creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates, treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own personality." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life, p. 160) Since the narcissistic is incapable of emotional intimacy, he/she cannot form close relationship, especially as a spouse or parent. The narcissist believes that his spouse is a living possession who belongs to him and must follow the script he has written. Your perspective, regardless of how well informed and intelligent, is of no value to the narcissist. These severe personalities rule by intimidation and intimidation.

Those who grew up in a narcissistic family are particularly vulnerable to marry a narcissistic partner. Repeating this pathological pattern is not unusual. These children are familiar with this kind of treatment although it was highly abusive. Sons and daughters struggle with a sense of unworthiness. Narcissistic parents overwhelm their children.

There are exceptions. Some spouses wake up and recognize that they have been psychologically imprisoned by their husband or wife. After decades of abuse, neglect, betrayals and chronic lying, they make the decision for psychological freedom. No longer will they be screamed at constantly, humiliated for voicing their opinion. Instead they will take creative initiatives to fulfill their personal destiny, growing as a strong solid self with a sense of inner peace and optimism. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Big Lie---Narcissists are Good People

LindaMartinezLewi — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 23:05:53 GMT

In our current society narcissists are venerated, followed and fawned over. They are our national and state leaders, politicians, CEO's, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, entertainment elite, medical doctors, university professors, spiritual teachers. The list is endless and growing.

Most people are captivated by the burnished image of an individual not their true nature. If someone is highly attractive, bright, educated, very articulate and charming, many are immediately drawn to this person. It is difficult to separate the image that a person presents from what lies behind the smooth talk, gorgeous eyes, confident stance, commanding presence. If you pay close attention and study the narcissistic personality you will learn to recognize that many of those who present themselves in this way are not "good people." By this I don't mean that they are criminals but that they don't give a damn about you, never will and are motivated only by what they can take from you. They are users and exploiters par excellence. They have been learning this craft all of their lives. Most of them have felt superior to everyone else since they were small children. Narcissists are created not born. There is no narcissistic gene.

I say that narcissists are not good people because when we know what they reap in terms of human relationships, the picture is ugly. Yes, they may give money to worthy causes. Some of them are generous and that is good and praise worthy. But when we view their personal lives we see close up the psychological havoc they wreak with their spouses and children and other family members. I read and directly hear countless personal life stories of those who grew up with narcissistic families. What has happened to them for decades is devastating and horrific. They have been emotionally and psychologically abused throughout their childhoods and into adulthood. In a common scenario the parent's public image is impeccable. People look up to this individual as a model--someone they want to emulate. The very opposite is true. Most often what is true about an individual takes place behind closed doors. It occurs in secret. It is kept secret because of the narcissist's threatening and abusive treatment of family members. They have learned to keep quiet because their lives depend on it.God help those who cross a narcissistic mother, father, sibling, in-law. Narcissists control their private fiefdoms. Some spouses and children are brain washed and psychologically fuse with the narcissist. They are in massive denial and remain that way for the rest of their lives. Others recognize who this person truly is---a severe, highly disturbed, venal, cruel narcissistic personality who will continue to abuse them. They disengage themselves from this toxic family member, find ways to escape, save themselves and lead their own lives.

Learn to identify the narcissistic personality quickly so that you cannot be victimized by them, regardless of their public image, personal magnetism, convincing lies, charming overtures to you. To understand the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your

Take Back Your Life from Narcissistic Father

LindaMartinezLewi — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:10:55 GMT

Narcissists cast dark shadows over our lives, especially when we are very young. Deep inside, instinctively, we know that we must survive. Many of us go along not only to get along but to stay alive psychologically. Some young children in highly disturbed narcissistic families become hyper-vigilent---always surveying their environments for danger, threats, visceral feelings of being completely unsafe. Other children are less aware of the dynamics in the family on a conscious level. They distract themselves with activity, telling themselves that everything is all right. In our earliest years our minds normalize what we are experiencing. It is the rare person who as a small child knew that there was something fundamentally wrong, unjust, and highly disturbed about one or both of our parents.

Narcissistic fathers cannot parent. They are emotionally unavailable to their children. They go through the motions of interacting with them. They may give greater attention to a child whom they perceive will become a star, a standout in the family----this is another narcissistic supply for the father. He doesn't care about the individuality of this son or daughter. He sees potential in them that can be nurtured and eventually will reflect his greatness. The kids who don't make the cut--the ones who are less attractive, highly sensitive, not socially skilled----are set aside for neglect and constant ridicule. To the narcissistic father you are either his possession or you don't exist. This man constantly appraises the value of his children to him. He sets unapproachable goals. Everyone must be at the top of the class or else. These fathers will take a son who has athletic capability and make them work out to the point of exhaustion and injury to fulfill their dream of having a son who is a professional athlete. Andre Agassi, the great tennis champion talks about his cruel narcissistic father's forcing him from early childhood to practice hour after hour without let up. He didn't care that his son hated tennis. Father prevailed. And yes, Agassi became a great champion but at a great price--years of abuse and agony.

There is an accumulation of truth about your narcissistic father. Some of his children recognize early that they are being used to prop up their father's ego supplies and his grandiose self vision. Others identify with the father and spend their lives as his living servants. Those who wake up to the truth that the father is a merciless narcissist, sever this toxic relationship and begin the healing process of fulfilling their birthright of becoming a free separate individual. Some turn to professional psychotherapy and grieve for the real father they never had. There are other healing paths--meditation, hatha yoga, journaling, the forming of meaningful close relationships with individuals who care deeply about the real you. Those who go through this passage discover that they are finally free to lead their lives on their terms. They thrive, discover creative gifts that have been left dormant and gain confidence and inner peace by embracing their real selves. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmllphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Damage their Daughters' Psychological and Physical Health

LindaMartinezLewi — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:14:00 GMT

Narcissistic Family Members Don't Blend---They Rule

LindaMartinezLewi — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:54:16 GMT

Stop Being Odd Man-Woman Out---Eject Your Narcissistic Father from Your Life

LindaMartinezLewi — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:37:10 GMT

Narcissistic Family Members Don't Blend---They Rule

LindaMartinezLewi — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 07:16:58 GMT

Bringing two families together through marriage is a complex process that requires patience, maturity, compassion and insight. Under the best of circumstances this is very challenging. When we are dealing with narcissistic family members this becomes impossible. Narcissists don't cooperate with others, especially family members. They seek power over others, using the tools of intimidation, deception, manipulation and the sheer fore of their personalities. In families where there are several narcissists, great rivalries can arrive, tempers flair, ugly scenes are frequent. It is common to have a narcissistic matriarch or patriarch who controls the actions and emotions of the other family members.

Sensitive children raised in this psychological climate suffer horribly in this environment of emotional turmoil, constant feuding and all out verbal battles and threats. Often these children find ways to escape into their own minds and detach themselves from the battles for power that erupt frequently. They learn to deftly remove themselves from the line of fire. As small children they have to learn to take care of themselves in order to survive. Life for them is about survival. They live in fear, even terror that they will be punished for something they were unjustly accused of, for not being perfect, for disappointing the tyrannical narcissistic parent.

Fortunately, many of emotionally deprived and abused children find a way to escape their family psychopathology by leaving these homes of horror, using their initiative and intelligence to pursue the professional ambitions and use their creative gifts After they become independent adults, many adult children who grew up in these chaotic dysfunctional families benefit from good psychotherapy or other healing modalities that help them to deal with the psychological deprivation and multiple cruelties that they experienced growing up in narcissistic blended families. Those who survive and prevail deserve our praise.They have weathered a very difficult childhood inheritance. Using their faith in themselves and unrelenting perseverance, they have become individuated people who love and respect themselves and form warm, lasting relationships. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Damage their Daughters' Psychological and Physical Health

LindaMartinezLewi — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 06:24:08 GMT

I cannot emphasize enough the horrific life stories that are communicated to me from daughters of narcissistic mothers. It is difficult to imagine that these dreadful non-mothers could be so cruel. Some of them have tortured their daughters for decades. There is a sub-group of narcissistic mothers who are highly sadistic and gain pleasure from causing their daughters extreme mental, emotional and in some instances severe pain and injury. All of this is kept secret within the confines of the family. On the outside these mothers are considered as models that others should follow. They even participate in their daughter's school activities. Other mothers are never available, except when it is time to humiliate their child in from of the entire family. Often these mothers are married to very weak men who might as well be young children themselves.

It is vital that we begin to recognize the criminality of these acts perpetrated by narcissistic mothers on their daughters. It affects many of them throughout their lives. They have nightmares, can't sleep, chronic anxiety, depression, somatic complaints, headaches, etc. Some of these daughters are unable to leave this pathological fusion and spend most of their lives tethered to their treacherous narcissistic mothers. Those who finally perceive their mother's destructiveness, find a way to break free. It can take some time to come to the realization that your mother, the person you were entitled to trust, is a very disturbed and uncaring human being who has completely undermined your life. After severing the non-relationship with mother some of these daughters go through an adjustment period. Many of them grieve for the mother they never had. Others are very angry about all of the years they have missed as a result of their psychological imprisonment. Some benefit from finding an excellent psychotherapist. Healing modalities like gentle hatha yoga, different forms of meditation, being a part of Nature, finding friends that are understanding and kind, are some of the ways that they begin the healing process. When we provide the conditions for healing and feel entitled to live with inner peace and self respect together with the use of all of our gifts, transformation occurs. Life begins once more. As the seasons are renewed, we too can be re-born and thrive. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop Being Odd Man/Woman Out---Eject Your Narcissistic Father from Your Life

LindaMartinezLewi — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:49:36 GMT

Money, privileges, presents, perks, special indulgences are the glue that keep narcissistic families together. It isn't love (narcissists are incapable of loving or intimacy of any kind). It's the image of a devoted family, like a beautifully composed photograph---placed on a mantelpiece to show others something that is not true. Many people are fooled by this charade. This includes the narcissistic father's children. If you have a mother who is psychologically fused with her narcissistic husband and looks up to him and has no identity of her own, there is great pressure for the children of this pathological union to believe the family fairy tale. "Once upon a time I had a wonderful father. He worked very hard and loved his children. Everyone thought he was great. He was very successful and charming. Mother was always by his side, reminding us to obey our marvelous father. He provided everything for us.......etc." When you view the truth beneath this piece of fiction it is ugly, cruel and treacherous. Narcissistic fathers treat their children like objects. They weed out those who can benefit their ego interests and ignore and/or abuse the others. They demean the children they don't favor to their golden children. This occurs to the point of extreme abuse perpetrated by the father, mother and siblings on the targeted child (children).

The narcissistic father offers monetary incentive to some of his children so that they will overlook the callous cruelty of their father. Dad makes deals with each child, promising to give him or her exactly what he wants.Children are vulnerable to accepting money. Of course narcissistic dad makes secret arrangements with each son or daughter and is told he is the favorite. The narcissist spends his entire life lying to everyone---even his children. He thinks of them as narcissistic supplies who will make you look more superior, attractive, successful. Most children of narcissists go for the money bait or the "I am my dad's favorite" promise.

There are children of narcissistic fathers who are truthseekers. They will not be manipulated and exploited. Even as very young children they knew that their dad was a fraud and the essence of deceit. This makes their childhoods very difficult. Other children learn as adults about their father's true nature. They are no longer in favor. His attention is drawn elsewhere. They feel the hurt of not being genuinely loved. They were used as props to maintain dad's image. These victims of narcissistic fathers finally break the tie and eject dad from their lives. Often this means that they say goodbye to their brothers and sisters who are still playing the game in which they pretend and act like dad is a great person in exchange for financial rewards and the professional and personal connections that come with being associated with this man they call father. Those who make this decision move through a process of loss, recognizing that they never had a real father----rather an empty unfeeling image of a parent.

After going through this process, the lives of these sons and daughters are renewed. They form loving and meaningful relationships who love them unconditionally. They are now free to lead their lives, to be completely themselves, to use their creativity and to look forward to a future that is full of integrity and hope. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---Healing for Life

LindaMartinezLewi — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:03:28 GMT

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Healing for Life

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have one of the most difficult life routes of all. Many of them were never wanted; they were psychologically abandoned; some were regularly beaten. They always felt their mother's secret and often un-secret loathing of them. Narcissistic mothers are often very envious of their daughters. They hate the child they have produced who is more intelligent, attractive, likeable, creative than they. These mothers often keep the father from having any meaningful interactions with their daughters. Cruel, cold, hateful, secretive, malicious---these non-mothers tell lies about their daughters in their efforts to have the father estrange himself from his own daughter. In some cases this works and the father is seduced into believing these living vipers.
Most people will never understand what you have endured. They cannot conceive of someone so malevolent. Will----THEY ARE MALEVOLENT!

You have survived the extreme abuse of a narcissistic mother. You are entitled to heal. Don't think in terms of how much time it will take. This must become an essential in your life. This begins with the people you bring into your daily life and those to whom you say "no" because they are toxic narcissists. You don't want to put yourself in this kind of jeopardy ever again. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are drawn toward charming narcissists, are seduced by them, marry them and repeat their destructive childhood pattern of abuse.

Let inner peace, creativity, loving relationships be your guide. List the essentials for your life each day. Some of these can be---quality sleep, exercise that you enjoy, gentle yoga or some form of movement that involves using the breath to put you in a relaxation zone. Some find that journaling--writing spontaneously brings a release, relief and a healing. Let yourself cry and grieve over the mother you didn't have. Some of these daughters find that quality psychotherapy helps them to work through the painful feelings of having had a narcissistic mother. Make sure that the therapist is empathic, understands the narcissistic personality, is clinically well qualified and of course, is not a narcissist. You might be surprised about how many therapists are narcissistic and are operating by the money incentive.Spend time with Nature, even if you live in an urban environment. Being in the presence of Nature is a great healer. Write a list of activities that you have longed to do. Surround yourself with a few people who care deeply about your welfare and are available to you always.
Trust your intuition---it is a lifetime guide and companion. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Are You Being Bought Off by a Narcissistic Spouse

LindaMartinezLewi — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 06:20:14 GMT

There is an old saying: "Every man has his price." Most people would never admit that they can be morally and personally compromised if they are promised the right deal---everything that fulfills their deepest wishes and desires. When we are talking about narcissists they are fascinated by this kind of game. Male and female narcissists love the excitement of the chase. Whom can they seduce? Who will bow to their perfection and superiority? They are so self assured that it can be nauseating. Narcissists are constantly surveying their environments for attractive people who can enhance their image or fill their pocket books or add to the luster of their social and professional connections.

It is very difficult to say "no" to a consummate charmer, a gorgeous or handsome man or woman that has all the pieces, who comes with a stellar portfolio. Narcissists are quick to make up their minds and zero in on those whom they know they can quickly seduce, control and manipulate. There are whirl wind courtships that add the breathless excitement that narcissists thrive on.

Once the marital union has taken place, the non-narcissistic partner may be living in a golden haze or a light trance from which he or she does not want to be awakened. In the early stages your wish is immediately satisfied, whether it is material possessions, travel, thrilling surprises, special gifts. The narcissist is skilled at eroding your will to think independently and trust your feelings. As the months turn into years a pattern in the relationship is more predictable. The cracks in the narcissist's mask are much more apparent. Sometimes--this honeymoon period is much shorter. Some spouses are in total denial and will never acknowledge that they have been thoroughly used and exploited and that their lives are a living hell that doesn't belong to them.

There are moments of insight in which the spouse recognizes that he or she has be bought off for what? Lifestyle, material possessions, financial security, the company of well connected socially prominent friends, trips, surprise gifts. I know of situations with narcissistic spouses where the non narcissistic partner realized that she was being used for image purposes alone, that her husband was cheating on her with several women. In several cases the narcissistic husband offered a handsome sum of cash and other incentives to keep the "marriage intact." This is not a marriage; it is a business arrangement.

Is it worth your peace of mind, the high level of stress that has brought you to the point of physical and psychological breakdown to stay with this severe personality disorder? Is the price worth the damage you have sustained and the dangerous precipice you are facing? For some spouses it appears to be worth it. They have paid the price and are willing to stay with this destructive pattern that leaves them without a life that belongs to them.
Others say: "STOP! I can't do this to myself any more. Living with this cruel, manipulative, liar is destroying my life. The price is my life. I will take back what is left, sever the relationship and move forward." This can be achieved. Many report that they are very relieved, that their stress levels have plummeted, that no one is telling them what to do or threatening them in the middle of the night. They now are the authors of their own lives. Their creativity and sense of self is expanding and deepening. The don't have a price. They are psychologically free, emotionally open and are moving down a path of discovery, mutual understanding, creativity and inner peace. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Winning the Battle with Narcissistic Family Members

LindaMartinezLewi — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:59:33 GMT

We have increasing numbers of narcissistic personality disorders in our society today. Being a narcissist, especially if you are successful in your profession, are attractive, etc. has become almost expected in our social and work worlds. There are still many individuals with tremendous integrity whom we can trust and have great characters.

Some of our greatest challenges are with narcissists within our families. The first move is to learn to recognize these individuals as narcissistic personality disorders who are not going to change. When you do the research, you learn to identify them. Even though they are direct relatives or in-laws---uppermost they are narcissists. Other family members may continue to make excuses for their cruel, dismissive and outright abusive behaviors. That doesn't mean that you have to give them a pass. I have known of family situations where every member except one, put up with their cruel pathology, were fearful to assert themselves and berated the one person who was holding the truth. If one individual out of thousands knows the truth -----it is still the truth. We live in a time of narcissistic delusion. People are blinded by the burnished image that the narcissist perpetuates, his/her overwhelming "charm", all of the promises that he makes and often the worldly success he has achieved. None of this makes this person a good human being. I have known of a number of family members who, despite all of the pressure placed on them, severed the relationship with this toxic human being. They were castigated, criticized and thought to be strange by other family members but they had to live with their truth and remove themselves from this deep level of psychopathology. Don't let other people pressure you and take away your clear perceptions that a family members is a destructive narcissist. Keep your safe distance from them and when necessary remove your contact with them. There is nothing you can do to change them. They are psychologically poisonous and their constant inflammatory projections create a corrosive atmosphere. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. What other people think and many are misguided about this pathology, doesn't matter. What you know deep inside about the nature of the narcissist in your family and other narcissists is what counts. Trust what you know is true. Take care of yourself and those close to you. Protect and cherish one another. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Married to a Narcissist---Become Self Entitled and Self Nurturing

LindaMartinezLewi — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 20:22:26 GMT

Narcissists are pathologically self entitled. Their spouses are under-entitled. Some of them are treated like servants and accept these roles for decades, even at the expense of their physical, emotional and psychological health. The non-narcissistic spouse often doesn't know that he/she is married to such a seriously disturbed human being. They make excuses and blame themselves. After all, the narcissist is always finding fault with them rather than where it belongs---on them. Narcissists pick away at their husbands and wives, causing tremendous stress. Many of these victims suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. They are jumping out of their skins with worry, wondering when the next metal shoe will drop. "When will he start screaming at me again?" Will he wake me up again tonight and go into one of his tirades?" "Deep down I hate myself because I can't fulfill his wishes and demands." Over and over again are the self accusations that are propelled by the narcissist's constant verbal attacks. In some instances there is physical abuse as well. This is all kept very secret due to the narcissist's obsession with his golden image.

Once you have recognized that you are married to a narcissist you have a couple of options. You can try to stay in the marriage and learn how to remain psychologically distanced and detached from this person. That is very difficult. You can carve out a life of your own if that works with the marriage dynamics. Some couples do this. They are married in name only. The narcissistic spouse has a separate personal life. For most spouses it becomes impossible for them to stay married to the narcissist. They are becoming too depressed, stressed, terrified about the next foul display of rage. They decide to obtain a divorce. This is very scary but they learn that they are entitled to a life that belongs to them. Along the way some of them obtain quality psychotherapy and have the support of close friends to help them learn to self nurture and to recognize that they have value as unique individuals. After the divorce there is a healing process that takes place. This is not easy or automatic but so many ex-spouses of narcissists are so relieved that now they can take a deep breath, use their creative gifts, sleep through the night peacefully, voice their opinions openly and freely and celebrate their newly retrieved lives. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissistic Sister---Poor Little Me

LindaMartinezLewi — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 21:38:14 GMT

Covert narcissistic sisters play the "poor little me" role in their families to wreak havoc with their non-narcissistic brothers and sisters. They start very early telling lies to the parents about their siblings and then playing the innocent role to the hilt. As they grow older they escalate their sabotage, causing great pain to all of their family members. They plot to take boyfriends away from their sisters by telling lies or revealing secrets or making up secrets. They are believable in their lying. Parents often make excuses for them:"Oh, she is shy and dependent; she is not capable of lying and being cruel; give her a chance; she's unsure of herself; you have to be kind to her." As she grows older the CNS becomes even bolder and as the parents age she becomes "indispensable" to them. In secret she gains their total confidence to the point of being in charge of all of their possessions---properties, investments, etc.
When the parents are gone, everything has been left to her-- a pittance or less to the other children. Who's saying "Poor Little Her" now! Covert narcissists can be difficult to detect. Do the research and you will learn to recognize them---They are to "good" to be true. To learn about the NPD in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com