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Narcissistic Daddy's Girls Despise Men

2012-05-24T06:15:05Z

There are daddy's girls who are very successful. I have read many accounts of women who favored their father over their mother because he was emotionally more accessible. Mother was distant and cold. Many daddy's girls grow up to be confident women. Since early childhood they have felt the special love and bond of a father who communicates to this child that she is capable of doing anything she chooses. Her horizons are limitless. The protective and open love and affection of a wonderful father has a powerful effect of solidfying and strengthening the psychological core of the daughter.

In the case of the narcissistic daddy's girl the pattern of behavior and the messages the narcissistic father sends his daughter cause great psychological harm to her. If she is adored over the mother and there is an abnormal erotic tie between the two of them, the daughter learns that she can manipulate her father and get whatever she wants. She flirts with him and the father reciprocates by promising her she is the only love of her life. Altenenirhough there is no overt sexual interplay between the two of them, the strong pull of eros is always in the air. Fathers of narcissistic daddy's girls are often narcissistic. The young daughter learns to worship at the throne of the father's grandiose false self. She watches how he connives and manipulates his spouse, children, in-laws, siblings and everyone else in his life. She thrills to the glances he gives her saying without words: "You are my favorite-Even my wife cannot compete with you." The daughter believes these messages and is besotted with dad. She wants to be exactly like him. He is her master teacher. As she moves through adolescence and young adulthood, this daughter gathers momentum in the ruthless art of getting men to fall in love with her. She often has more than one on the string at any given time. She knows how to juggle men the way her dad juggles his girlfriends.

When surveys the environment of men and finds that she gets all of the attention. If she is physically attractive and magnetic, she can have her pick. Now a fully developed narcissistic personality, the daughter chooses a man to marry, not because she loves him but to fulfill her grand vision of her own life. Deep inside she knows that if this doesn't work out, she will be free to choose someone else.

The narcissistic daddy's girl has struck a deal not a marriage. She has found pure gold in a man over whom she has complete control, who will further her highest career ambitions, enhance her social connections and never say No to her. Deep down she hates her partner and all other men. She views them as weak and malleable--not very smart. NDG's victimize men throughout their lives, leaving many broken hearts and financial disasters in their wake.

To avoid becoming entranced with a narcissistic daddy's girl, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Never Underestimate Narcissist's Cunning

2012-05-18T18:06:05Z

The narcissist is a restless human being. He/she is always seeking narcissistic supplies--those psychological foods that he must have in order to keep his ego sense of self fully inflated. On an unconscious level the narcissist suffers from feelings of inner emptiness. Rarely is a narcissist in touch with this part of himself/herself on a conscious level. The narcissist's defense mechanisms--his belief that he is superior to others, that he is perfect, that everyone is inferior to him, that he can control and manipulate anyone to achieve his grandiose goals for power and monetary gain. (Not all narcissists are materialistic but most of the "successful" ones are obsessed with acquiring material possessions and monetary power as well as social connections that will smooth their pathway to power.

Those who marry narcissists are unaware of their cunning and secrecy. Because of their charm and capacity to "read" their spouses and know their weak spots, they are clever at knowing when you are vulnerable, exhausted, confused, feeling desperate. It is at these times in particular that their plans for how to control you further are hatched. One common scenario is that of the narcissistic spouse who marries a partner who is affluent due to their own professional success or is a member of a family that is prominent and wealthy. From the beginning the narcissistic spouse knows exactly how he will thread the needle, become indispensable to the in-laws, ingratiate himself to your siblings and become fully trusted in the family. It is from this false base of pseudo trust that the narcissist's begins his dirty work. If you genuinely trust a narcissistic spouse, be ready to be deceived, betrayed and taken for a very bumpy ride. I hear scenarios every day where the narcissistic spouse talked the innocent partner into taking over all of her financial affairs and appointing himself (or a close narcissistic confidente of his) to become executor and have power of attorney. This narcissist has done such a masterful job of deluding your family members, he is believed and they relinquish their power to him. He is deemed the savior and bright light of the family.

In some cases the narcissist changes the family member's perceptions so completely that they turn against the non-narcissistic spouse. As the marriage crumbles and divorce is inevitable, the non narcissistic spouse is left, deserted and betrayed without the support of her family. To arm and protect yoursself from the cunning narcissist, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Lost Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---Finding Themselves

2012-05-14T21:59:33Z

You cannot always see it in their faces or hear it in their words but daughters of narcissistic mothers often feel psychologically empty and emotionally lost. Many of these daughters are in denial because the emotional pain of being raised by a mother in name only is too hard to bear. They are psychologically numb. They anesthetize themselves with "exciting" relationships, often to narcissistic men. This is a pattern that I have noticed over time that is quite common. You would wonder why anyone would expose themselves to a toxic narcissist after they had endured the royal treatment with mother. This is because as children our reality begins and ends with mother and father. Narcissistic mothers regularly cast the father out of the picture, rule him, emasculate him and denigrate him. Men who endure this treatment often become unavailable to their children. They are terrified of their wives. They fear the recriminations and accusations and the constant vile criticisms. Often these men become workaholics and are absent from the family home most of the time.

Narcissistic women marry men they can control, blame, abuse and discard. This leaves the daughter of the narcissist face to face with a formidable presence. No daughter can ever measure up and be accepted as an individual or cherished as a child or adult by a narcissistic mother.

As small children, these daughters are constantly on the alert for mother's real or metaphorical footsteps.Mother seems to be ever-present to pounce on them, especially if the daughter is attempting to share her unique creative ideas and talents. This is especially true if the daughter of the NM is not the Golden Child. The NM treats this one like a fly that has buzzed across her forehead once too many times.

Narcissistic mothers often act as if they don't have a daughter. Many of them spend most of their tune climbing the career and job ladder. Together with this they have a very active social life. They would rather spend time with people who keep their massive egos inflated than be in the company of a small child who needs constant attention and care. Very young, they are passed off to child care services or nannies without a backward glance. Meanwhile, mother is playing the role or Queen wwherever she goes---fooling many people into thinking she is a fine human being.

Daughters of NMs struggle with evolving their own true identities after the maternal deprivation and abuse of their childhoods. They don't trust themselves; they lack confidence Many are always worried about what "Mother" will think even though deep down they know she doesn't care.

Some of these daughters have a time of reckoning---a big wake up call. They realize that they are not evolving but living in the shadow of a cruel cold non mother. They feel they must save themselves and claim their individuality. Daughters who make this decision often benefit from psychotherapy, group support and other healing modalities including gentle yoga, meditation, using their creativity, following their gifts and passions to re-create themselves. With perseverance and faith in themselves, they re-set their lives, re-discovering their true identities. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses---Psychological Abuse Must Stop

2012-05-11T22:18:28Z

Narcissistic spouses are known for taking their husbands or wives beyond the point of endurance. They don't care one whit if you are becoming emotionally fragile, have post traumatic stress, physical symptoms--headaches, gastrointestinal problems, bouts of debilitating depression, insomnia and hundreds of others disturbances. They live strictly for themselves. In fact if you go to them for mercy and tell them you are suffering they will tell you any of the following: " you are weak and too sensitive", It's all in your mind" "your imagination is too vivid" "You're making it up to upset me" "You're a drama queen (or king)","you're mentally unbalanced" and innumerable labels and cruel retorts. How many times have you told yourself you can't take this abuse any longer. You're not sleeping; you are jumping with nerves every time you know you husband will be at home. You dread having to be near this person. You are always waiting for the next verbal assault--It can come any time of day or night. Some narcissistic spouses awaken their partners in the middle of the night and go on verbal rampages for hours nonstop.

A point of reckoning is to know through your research and insight that the person to whom you are married is a narcissistic personality. This individual is not going to change. You have suffered for too long and your quality of life, including your physical energy, mental focus, feelings of emotional security and concerns about your children are negatively effected by continuing in the marriage. The time has come and the decision is yours. You long to take back your own life, your own mind, your individual gifts and energies. You can decide how you want to live---starting this moment. Pay close attention to your inner self. You can leave the narcissist and lead the life that you deserve. You have that strength, faith and perseverance. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Healing Your Identity

2012-05-10T18:02:03Z

Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter's individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of "mothering." Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don't permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child's special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:" You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What's the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I'm beginning to think you have severe emotional problems--and on and on.

The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities---her mother's perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid "star" daughter "not the other ones."

Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother's primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them---nonstop.

Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.

Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn't care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.

These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes---other family members--aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.

Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: " You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding." "I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself."

Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother's Pernicious Envy of Daughter

2012-05-08T05:47:01Z

The narcissistic mother's shares the stage with no one---not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother's perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter's beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother's ego fully inflated.

Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected---left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom's enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the "problem daughter" who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother's attempt to demean and diminish her daughter's identity.

On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother's envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother's psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures --teachers, aunts, grandmothers--who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.

Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection--becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Gurus--Malicious-Venal-Seductive

2012-05-06T17:29:12Z

There were always narcissistic mentors who took full advantage of the pain and suffering of others. Many of these narcissists arrive on the scene with the highest credentials. Others create themselves out of their manic self beliefs of superiority and their abilities to influence and control prospective followers who become their victims. Most of the current society today accepts and even adulates these individuals. Superlative salesmen, they exact tremendous sums of money from individuals who are having serious problems. They have no expertise or understanding about serious psychological issues (nor do they care a whit). As a result they often cause incredible emotional and personal damage to their victims.

Narcissistic gurus are gifted performers that persuade you to believe in the delusion that they are selling. They project tremendous psychic energy and pseudo passion that cause a group contagion nearing worship. These gurus extract enormous sums of money from corporations and individuals for their services.

They cross over the personal boundaries of those who are the most desperate and have no support system. Helplessness and severe personal crisis combined with the victim's ability to pay outrageous fees is the perfect equation for the narcissistic guru to step in and perform "his/her magic."

Once the individual has psychologically fused with the NG these individuals are counting the money coming into the coffers, keeping the victim on the string, using masterful manipulative techniques that include praise and intimidation plays. NGs escalate and enlarge their following by having their underlings sign up more prospective victims. Those who have been psychologically damaged are left in a state of confusion, fear and self-doubt. They often blame themselves, believing that they cannot achieve what the guru is demanding of them.

Some victims of NGs reach a crisis and recognize that they can't continue a pattern that is causing continued distress and psychological pain. They finally listen to their intuition which has been making many efforts to protect them. They research narcissistic personality disorders and realize that they have been victims. Holding the truth of the real nature of the NG they now move forward to sever the relationship and separate out as individuals. They can now be the authors of their own lives and are finally free to be themselves on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissistic Spouses Max Out Stress Levels

2012-05-04T05:20:22Z

Covert narcissists are a rare breed whom most people believe are fine human beings. While they are showing their spiritual bonafides and everyone is buying their story and heaping on praise, you are married to this impossible person. Very few outside of the family home ever find out how psychologically toxic the covert narcissist is.

Spouses are victims of narcissistic abuse--veiled threats to ruin your reputation, constant put downs and stunning humiliations, being told that you are at fault (when it is the narcissist who has made egregious mistakes), bout after bout of Vesuvian narcissistic rage. Some spouses feel that they deserve this horrendous treatment because they think little of themselves. They have been emotionally pummeled all of their lives and don't know the difference.

Others know that the marriage is a travesty, that they are suffering from serious symptoms of stress--They are maxed out with chronic headaches, free floating anxiety, hyper-vigilance, insomnia, intestinal discomforts and obsessive self doubt and lack of confidence.

Fortunately many of these victims finally acknowledge to themselves that they can no longer live in these dreadful, life draining circumstances. They want their psychological and physical health back and their stamina and finally, to return to themselves, their lives, their creative gifts, solitude and a promise of peace. Many sufferers of the convert narcissist study the literature and discover that they have been married to one of these severe personality disorders. Some are helped by quality psychotherapy, support groups and friends who are supportive and available at all times. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcisistinyourlife.com

Spouses---Succumbing to Narcissistic Spouse's Delusion

2012-05-01T23:52:05Z

The narcissist lives in a complex psychopathological world, dominated by impenetrable delusions: supreme superiority to everyone, belief in his perfection, limitless self entitlement, massive denial, total lack of conscience, a drive to severely damage those who obstruct his goals.

A delusion is a series of false beliefs that the narcissist holds as his reality.Immersed in deep delusion the narcissist has no access to self truth. His psychological defenses are like reinforced layers of steel.

When you marry a narcissist it is likely that you are unaware of his true nature. You have fallen in love with a highly believable false self individual. Narcissists are often physically attractive. They are obsessed with their physical appearance and display a compelling outer image. Once they make the decision they rivet their attention on you, making you feel special, irreplaceable. Narcissists move in very quickly at the seduction game and wrap up "the deal" --the marriage---with great aplomb. The spouse of the narcissist is fully entranced. As the years go by and the abuse and cruelties mount there are rough spots. Along with these are interspersed huge upsides---money, properties, travel, the royal treatment---that always brings the prodigal partner back into the fold.

The non narcissistic spouse has lost touch with her own identity despite a successful professional career of her own. She/he dives deeper and deeper into the solid belief that material goods, high social status and worldly clout matter the most. She has the freedom to do whatever she wants.

Spouses who now are permanently attached to their narcissistic mates are belted in for the full ride. The curtain of delusion has fallen over this spouse as she fully embraces the false regressive reality, a full eclipse of her real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist's Perfected Image--Inner Emptiness and Volcanic Rage

2012-05-01T00:28:45Z

Narcissists are always working on their external image---their faces, clothing, accessories, homes, cars, etc. Part of this image that they constantly announce to the world is the perfection of their wives and children. After all they must be on display as a mirror of the narcissist's perfection. Children who are attractive, talented and bright are highly prized by the narcissist since they are indicative of his/her superiority and extraordinary image in the world. Narcissists are about the surface of reality not the internal meaning. They are clever at manipulated other people, especially their spouses and children, but this is their extreme cunning not any intellectual, psychololgical or emotional depth. The narcissist suffers from an unconscious psychological emptiness. This is often demonstrated in his frequent bouts of vituperative rage. re famous for their volcanic rage which flows out of them and on to their spouses in particular with great fury. This noxious rage is projected on to spouses like an attack of snake venom. What is happening here is that the toxic contents of the narcissist's unconscious are vomited out on to the victim---spouses, ex-spouses, children. The outer world gives the narcissist a pass especially if he is very successful and prominent. The other reason is that the narcissist plays his good guy magnetic hero role to the hilt in public, including church, business and socially. When a spouse complains to anyone, she is considered to ungrateful or psychologically unbalanced.

The narcissist fools even more people during this current narcissistic age in which everything is externalized---life is a performance. What we wear, where we live, the kinds of investments we have, the brands of our clothing, our shoes, the jewelry we wear, the dewy youthfulness of our faces-----This what matters to so many in the current public mode. The media creates stars out of people who look physically gorgeous and extremely handsome. Many people are so deluded that they believe that how you look and act is the real you---They are WRONG! Trust in your true inner self. Do your research on the narcissistic personality disorder. You are meeting them every day. Recognize them quickly so that you can be self protective. You can say to yourself: " I know who you really are. You can't fool me or control me. I know that you project your venom on to others---Don't try that with me. It won't work!" To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Trapped in the Narcissistic Vortex--Spouses of Narcissists

2012-04-28T17:05:53Z

Narcissists know what and whom they want. They marry those who will keep them filled with narcissistic supplies. Their qualifications for spouse include: include physical beauty, professional achievements, polished social skills, impressive family credentials, a compliant temperament and willingness to absorb inordinate amounts of narcissistic abuse: full throated volcanic rage, blatant lying and withering humiliations (public and private). Taking orders is another role of the non-narcissistic spouse. Delusional narcissistic demands flow endlessly.

A vortex is a gravitational pull that draws you into its center--It can be a way of life that is "irresistibly engulfing." The narcissist is the central force in his life. He charms and magnetizes those he has chosen to become his human possessions. Narcissists don't have marital relationships since they are incapable of emotional intimacy or empathy. They are consummate actors who play the role of bringing you into their vortex. They display tremendous skill in impressing and wooing you to become part of their lives. Successful narcissists use their power in the world, their connections and lifestyle with all of its seductive trappings to seal the deal. Those who are taken in by the narcissist believe that they have found someone who can make them feel financially secure and important as an elite member of the narcissist's inner circle. These pseudo relationships work on a surface level if you have one narcissist marrying another. In this case they have made a deal that will feed both of them with narcissistic supplies.

In the case where a partner has fallen for a narcissist and is unaware of his severe psychopathology, there is entrapment in the narcissistic vortex. This individual's life and talents are eclipsed by the long shadow of the narcissistic spouse. The narcissist takes the spouse deeper and deeper into his delusional center. Spouses who have been incapable of separating themselves out psychologically as separate individuals, are swept up and fuse with the narcissist. They equate financial status and material perks with emotional security. They are trapped in the narcissistic vortex.

Some spouses wake up, do the research about the narcissistic personality and rescue themselves. They separate out from the narcissist, break through the vortex and move forward to lead their lives in psychological, emotional, creative and spiritual freedom. Many of these individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Others find their way through friends who form a strong support group. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Are Great Liars

2012-04-27T05:28:13Z

Narcissists lie to everyone, including themselves. If a narcissist is highly successful and socially smooth he/she can lie as easily as he breathes. When most people lie you can perceive certain downward eye movements, twitching of the mouth, wide eyed looks, blinking, body movements that indicate discomfort.When a clever narcissist lies he looks right into your eyes and tells you with every inflection of his voice, every crinkle of his lids, the direct glance that doesn't avert that he is telling you the truth. These people are beyond good--They are masters of every type of lie you can imagine.Along with this is no sense of guilt or regret. If you are married to a narcissist you have been lied to incessantly.If you are the sibling of a narcissist, he or she never tells the truth.If you are the child of a narcissist you never could believe what dad or mom said because you were being manipulated by falsehood. Narcissists are incapable of real relationships because they are duplicitous,completely self absorbed, extremely self entitled and have no conscience.They lie by commission and omission. They lie because it is convenient. They lie to maintain their power over you.

Once you have studied the narcissistic personality you will recognize these traits in your spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father or sibling. You will then understand why you have had such a painful time with this person even though he or she is a member of your family.This provides you with valuable knowledge and the power to make a decision if you want to continue a pseudo relationship with someone who cannot be genuine in any way. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Dispossessed--Children of Narcissistic Mothers

2012-04-25T04:14:46Z

The child of a narcissistic mother has no home, whether he or she lives in a humble flat or a mansion. When mother is bonded to her child, she has a special union with this tiny human being. From the beginning a baby and young child either feels secure or insecure. Feeling protected and cared for begins very early.

Narcissistic mothers are unable to nurture, protect, be attuned to or open their hearts to their children. They are obsessed with themselves. Even when they are going about feeding and taking care of their babie's needs, this is done mechanically without feeling, tenderness or any kind of emotional contact. I have heard life stories of many children of narcissistic mothers say that the woman who was supposed to welcome them into her arms, pushed them away, avoided their tears, their smiles, their pain as if they were not present. These women did the minimum that was needed to keep the baby fed and clean. In some instances the narcissistic mother didn't offer a basic level of care. She ignored her baby for hours at a time while the little one screamed at the top of his lungs, then gasped and finally fell asleep in total exhaustion. As a result there was no bonding to mother. She was like a statue--look but do not touch. There was no warm flesh to hold, no eye contact, no response to sorrow or pain, no help when the small child felt desperate and alone.

Children of narcissistic mothers are Dispossessed--they have no psychological home or any sense of emotional security.In many cases there are mother substitutes who come to the rescue. Often it is the other parent, an aunt, grandmother, a nanny who is capable of giving the child the affection, emotional sense of security and safety that he needs.

Some children of narcissistic mothers spend many of the growing up years trying to make up for the mother love they never received. Many of them repeat the pattern of being treated badly by marrying a narcissist. When that doesn't work some of them go on to wed another narcissist.

Others are determined to heal themselves. They benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing modalities like gentle yoga, meditation and the pursuit of their creative gifts. Often these children are highly empathic and are involved with professions that involve helping individuals who are suffering psychologically and emotionally.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers have traveled a difficult road to wholeness. We congratulate you--You have made it against many odds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Sociopaths---Counting the Victims

2012-04-22T23:41:25Z

Narcissistic sociopaths leave very few people with whom they form relationships--intact. I am speaking here about the sociopath who does not commit physically violent crimes but perpetrates psychological and emotional crimes that destroy the lives of others---especially his/her children, spouses and ex-spouses. The NS is without conscience of any kind. He is very clever at not getting caught. It is very rare that these individuals serve any time in jail or prison. They are often very bright intellectually and exceedingly quick in scouting out and discovering people whom they can dominate completely. All of their efforts are directed toward reaching the highest professional and social circles where they mingle and become friends with people of great prominence and power. Some of these NSs become big fish in smaller ponds (social milieus) where they their influence spreads throughout entire neighborhoods and small towns.

NSs have been magnetizing people and controlling others all of their lives. Often they are very attractive and learned by adolescence how to be irresistible to the romantic partners. It is not unusual for NSs to have a number of paramours at one time. They brashly take control of large sums of money and property from their family members by sweet talking and cajoling one of their parents to give them the role of executor of the estate, leaving brothers and sisters empty handed and broken hearted. This happens too many times to count.

Everyone the NS targets is harmed unless the prospective victim recognizes the depth of psychopathology he or she is dealing with in advance. The number of those who have been victimized by these horrendous individuals is legion. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissistic Spouse--You Become the Bad Person

2012-04-21T06:39:26Z

Covert narcissists are very difficult to detect---even for some clinical professionals. If you have been fooled by a few, don't blame yourself. They are charmingly cunning, under cover operatives. In many cases it can take a spouse years even decades to recognize that they are married to a narcissist. They have taken the stinging blows of cruel projections, believing that they were at fault.

The covert narcissist uses the camouflage of being a low key person who doesn't make waves. He/she appears to be unobtrusive even humble. Covert narcissists scurry around, waiting to help you---at your service, especially in the courtship phase and beginnings of the marriage. You wonder:"This is too good to be true but this guy is willing to do anything for me." Many spouses are so taken with this total devotion and apparent selflessness that they don't see the red flags flying in their peripheral view.

Covert narcissists begin revealing themselves with small digs and criticisms. You wave it off and tell yourself that your spouse has a lot of career pressures and you have to be understanding. They play a game which I call "I'm up; you're down" . They know when you are vulnerable and at a low emotional ebb. They often take these times to brag about how indispensable they are at work. This is based on their claim of meticulousness; they don't make any mistakes. This is untrue but the accusations are coming so fast you feel dizzy. Without warning they point out major mistakes you have made (some of them going back decades). They pick away at you until they draw a strong emotional response. They have caught you by surprise and you are very upset. You feel badly about yourself. You are confused and believe that what your spouse is telling the truth. He isn't; it's a lie. You feel emotionally unsteady and trapped. These accusations go deeply into the victimized spouse and reside there. If you have had an abusive childhood and were neglected, it is possible that you have carried feelings of inferiority and inadequacy into your adulthood. This combined with the continuing attacks of your convert narcissistic spouse creates a psychologically toxic environment for you.

Some spouses finally recognize that they are being tormented by someone who has a serious psychological disorder. Many spouses research and discover that they are married to a narcissist who has disguised himself as a good person. He has all of the major traits: lack of empathy, deceptive, frequent rages, manipulative, obsession with a perfect image, chronic patterns of cruelty.

The victimized spouse often makes the decision to sever the marital non relationship. After many years of being the recipient of verbal and emotional abuse, some of these individuals find that quality psychotherapy helps them to re-set their attitudes and feelings about themselves and to recognize that they are good human beings. They are not flawless but real and capable of giving and receiving love. The move forward to lead lives of inner peace, use of their unique gifts and feeling entitled to be treated with respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers-A Pain in the Pit of Your Stomach

2012-04-19T05:47:07Z

Those who haven't had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are covert and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person's feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.

Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the "relationship" because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.

Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation--sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Expect Empathy from Your Narcissistic Spouse

2012-04-16T06:02:57Z

"The narcissist suffers from a hardened heart, and is incapable of empathy. Lack of empathy is a signature personality trait.. .of the narcissistic personality disorder." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). Many narcissists develop a convincing pseudo empathy. They are consummate actors who appear to care deeply about your feelings from your perspective. They put on a masterful performance and fool many people, especially those whom they have mesmerized to become marital partners.

The narcissist is incapable of putting himself emotionally and psychologically into another's person's place even if it is one of his own children. Long ago when he was a child, he/she never developed the capacity for empathy. I have witnessed very young children who are empathic---they are deeply moved by the pain that someone else is enduring. These little ones try to comfort the person who is suffering.

The narcissist is groomed to only think about himself, his superiority, brilliance and achieving all of his goals despite the grave psychological consequences for others whom he will hurt and betray.

Become aware of your capacity to know if someone is truly empathic. Being empathic is not based on what is convenient for us or the right time of day or night, or whether we're going to impress someone or obtain material gain. Empathy comes from our deepest humanity and it is given freely. There are no time limits or measurements to its enduring force for healing. Living with someone who psychologically cold, will wear you down, pick away at your feelings of self confidence, make you feel isolated and feel that you cannot turn to your partner to deeply understand and care about you, especially when you are in a crisis and need help on the spot.

As these marriages go forward it becomes evident that the narcissistic spouse is incapable of empathy and to make it more severe, this person cannot show deep genuine concern for the children you share. He may pretend to be emotionally invested but much of this has to do with his need to control his spouse and children with an iron will. If you are married to a narcissist are becoming more acutely aware of this deficit in his personality, seriously consider your options. You can stay with the person who is very unlikely to change. You can have an arrangement with him that is a marriage in name only or you can divorce him/her.

Think carefully about remaining in a marriage with an individual is cannot genuinely give and receive love, a person who doesn't give a damn about your feelings and your suffering. Do the research about the narcissistic personality. Knowledge is very helpful in clarifying what we want to believe from the truth. Leading a life with truth at your side frees you up and protects you from narcissistic influences--especially spouses who are laser focused only on their next acquisitions and triumphs. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist's Outrageous Self Entitlement

2012-04-13T18:59:57Z

"The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires." (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child---be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don't exist except to serve the narcissist.

The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn't have a marriage; it is a business deal. What's in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many--This is proof of their perfection and greatness.

If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the "relationship" because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the difficulty of their divorce, they have made consistent steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their future. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and Win

2012-04-11T16:59:51Z

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband--from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife--from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star--the chosen one--a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag--in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early--for others late--into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn't make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past---do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance---you know what they are all about--Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines--Your life has just begun. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Are You Marrying the Son of a Narcissistic Matriarch

2012-04-07T04:50:25Z

She may exude perfection in every way. She is articulate, bright, has impeccable manners and has command of herself. Before you go ahead with the engagement and marriage I suggest you take a very close psychological look at your mother-in-law to be. This is especially the case if you are already having small tremors about her self absorption, obsession with image and her iron control of her son---your future husband. People always give themselves away if you are watching carefully. If your intended is too close to mother and highly dependent on her for approval, this is a sign that he is not individuated from her. If he is still holding on to her and over-doing the need for approval by her, it is time to pay attention. Does mother have boundary issues? Is she very self entitled? Does she always speak about herself rather than listen. Do you viscerally sense that your husband to be is one of her living possessions----a prized golden boy narcissistic supply? There are so many instances when women fall in love with a particular man only to find out that his mother is intruding herself upon the marriage. It is up to the mature son to have made the separation and to put his wife first. With a narcissistic matriarch this can be very difficult. If you buck these women they can become very nasty and make every effort to sabotage your relationship. Does you husband to be always bow to his mother's wishes regardless of how outrageous they are? Pay attention to the signs and to your reaction to her. What are you feeling about her on a deep intuitive level. Is she wearing a thin veneer of graciousness and sociability that can be removed in an instant. Is she a surface person who is obsessed with her image rather than on developing as a genuine human being.

You are not marrying this man's mother but if the strings have not been sufficiently severed and he is still holding on to her and she is constantly tugging at him and you sense there is no room for you in the equation, seriously consider taking a big step back. Trust your intuitive judgment. I have heard of too many cases when a woman knew instinctively that her spouse to be was too tied up with a narcissistic mother and went ahead with the marriage---which turned out to be a long nightmare. Have confidence in yourself to make these decisions. Do not feel pressured by anyone, including your parents or friends. Take hold of the reins of your life. You will know how to make this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D

Telephone Consultation:: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com