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Narcissists-Convenient Lies

2010-03-09T16:05:00Z

Most people feel uncomfortable when they lie. They feel shaky, ashamed, nervous, stomach-turning conscience has been struck. By the age of three the psychologically healthy child has developed a primitive conscience. By seven or eight the conscience in most children has been formed. Conscience develops as a result of parental influence, the laying down of moral standards from the time of a child's birth. The parent teaches his child through example and very specific communications the nature of right and wrong, the distinctions between telling the truth and lying.

In the narcissist conscience remains undeveloped. The budding narcissist learns from his parent(s) that he or she has no limits. The driving force of life is to reach your goal before anyone else---to be a winner, no matter what it takes. Omitting the truth, shading the truth and outright lying become part of the narcissist's repertoire in dealing with other individuals.Telling the truth is inconvenient. Lying is the quickest route to the goal line. The narcissist is unburdened by conscience. "He knows he can lie and get away with it...Lying is a free ride in the fast lane that will get him to his destination more directly than telling the truth. ...The narcissist looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation. He is a master at justifying lies to himself."(From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Once you know that your spouse, parent, sibling, friend is a narcissistic personality, never be surprised by their mastery of lying. Don't be taken in. The narcissist has been practicing the art of lying all of his life. Chronic lying builds on itself and becomes easier as time moves on and the perfidies mount. Can you have an authentic relationship with a person who is continually lying to you? To obtain more specific information about the personality characteristics of the narcissist, visit my website:

www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Is Your Friend a Covert Narcissist?

2010-03-08T19:45:00Z

Most people give their friends a break. They expect shortcomings and lapses from even their closest companions. In any friendship there is a natural rhythm of give and take. We don't expect our friends to be perfect. There is a category of "friend" that can be difficult to recognize---the Covert Narcissist. They are narcissistic personalities who conceal themselves behind a facade of humility and pseudo empathy. Most of us are fooled by the covert narcissist. They are experts at pretending to put their needs in the background, focusing on you and indicating a deference toward you. They often use compliments as a way of making you feel comfortable and at ease with them. They may even idealize you and show gratefulness on all that you have done for them. Their behavior and investment in you appears to be genuine.

There will come a time when your friend the Covert Narcissist reveals his or her fangs. It can begin with subtle criticisms in the form of "helpful suggestions". You notice that this person is competing with you and even envies your appearance, social status, professional accomplishments and personal relationships. Eventually you recognize that this "friend" wants everything that you have, including your spouse or boyfriend. They are after something that will increase their narcissistic supplies. They ask you to do them a favor, a professional entrée---introduce them to one of your influential business contacts that can maximizes their chances of getting a prestigious, high paying job. After you have done this favor and your friend has benefited from your kindness and naiveté, you notice that this individual begins to distance herself/himself from you. You are initiating all of phone calls. When you do reach your friend she is deluged with work and familial obligations. Your friend doesn't return your calls or respond to email. You now remember that beneath it all, the relationship was always about her and her narcissism. She was a brilliant actress who had played the role of "friend" to the hilt until her goal was achieved. Now you can't reach her--by phone, email, texting, relatives--She has vanished from sight like a mirage in the desert.

This is a painful reckoning but valuable to you as a human being. Learning how to recognize the Covert Narcissist early before you become highly invested in the relationship will spare you a lot of heartache. To understand more about the ploys and clever twists of the Covert Narcissist, go to my blogs on the website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No Narcissist Can Shame You

2010-03-07T20:40:00Z

One of the narcissist's cruelest weapons of control is shaming. When all else fails the narcissist says to himself: "Shame them and I will get exactly what I want." Work against the narcissist's " shame ploy." Develop an appreciation for yourself as an individual, seek professional help if needed. Freeing ourselves from shame is transformative. It releases our inherent strength and energizes our creativity. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Dealing with Narcissists-Listening to Your Inner Voice

2010-03-06T18:46:00Z

Call it intuition, precognition, wisdom, the inner voice---each one of us has access to insight and truth that comes through when the mind is quiet. Getting in touch and maintaining communication with this part of you is invaluable in dealing with narcissistic personalities. There is discipline involved in learning to use and apply these gifts. Take time each day---it can be a few minutes---to go to a specific place (indoors or outside) that is quiet and where you will be uninterrupted. Sit comfortably with your spine straight but relaxed. You can use a chair or arrange cushions and sit in an easy pose with your legs comfortably crossed. The most important points are: be consistent, go to the same place each time, be unjudgmental. One of the best ways to start is by taking a few deep (inhaling and exhaling) breaths through the nose. Do this in the way that is best for you. With your eyes closed and gazing at the point between the eyebrows, watch your breath---the inhale and exhale, at the tip of your nostrils. This is the oldest form of meditation called vapasanna. You may find that different forms of mediation work for you: using a mantra, for example.

Consistent practice will attune you to the inner voice that will change the way that you deal with narcissists. Meditation is grounding. It stabilizes the mind and body. Meditation practice as it builds over time, strengthens and expands the capacity for deep intuition. It provides us with a clear perspective for understanding and dealing with the psychopathology of the narcissist. Since we cannot change the narcissist, our role is to transform ourselves into mindful individuals who are working toward inner peace and equanimity each day. To learn more about the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissist's Intimate Enemies

2010-03-04T22:46:00Z

Marital relationships with narcissists are stressful and very challenging. The narcissist is tapping into his/her partners feelings of inadequacy, dependency, emotinal vulnerability and insecurity. Severing a relatinship with a narcissist is difficult, stressful and can be ugly. Learnin how the narcissistic personality operates under these conditions is key.

Narcissists Grow Old Disgracefully

2010-03-02T22:10:00Z

The word disgrace means a loss of honor and respect. The narcissist, especially in youth and middle age appears to be at the height of his/her powers. His mind is nimble, his solid gold charm is irresistible; he is climbing the heady tiers of power determined to reach the top. The high level narcissist is overly confident, extremely self entitled and controls others effortlessly. With his grandiose false self in high gear, the narcissist is reaping the rewards of his cunning, conscienceless plots. He has initiated the demise of business partners, spouses, former friends---all of those who have become his enemies. One is put on the narcissist's enemy list by crossing him, slighting him or bettering him.

The aging narcissist has burned so many human bridges. He/she has betrayed, double-crossed, abused, demeaned, humiliated and attempted to psychologically annihilate the lives of countless human beings. Some narcissists even destroy their children as a result of repetitive abandonments, grinding criticisms and malicious agendas. Unmoved and psychologically brittle, the narcissist is incapable of change.To change he would have to rip off his elaborate mask. It is too late. Beneath the facade, nothing that is real can be retrieved to make the narcissist a genuine human being. "The fateful accumulation of ill will has tipped; the act is worn and tawdry---old age has come to call. (The narcissist's) despair deepens to meet death." To become a master of the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Pulling Out All The Stops

2010-03-02T17:45:00Z

Narcissists anticipate and expect to have each need and want satiated and fulfilled---right now. They are very impatient individuals. Inside, deep in the unconscious, the narcissist feels psychologically empty. These feelings cannot be tolerated so they are projected on to others, especially those who are close at hand, their family members. Spouses and children of the narcissist are terrified by the volcanic rage that spews forth when their commands are not obeyed. They acquiese to the narcissist's outrageous demands.

When you cross a narcissist, be assured they will pull out all the stops. They play a series of cards, one by one, with increasing venom and threat. Depending on their unique personality, some of these cards include:

The Worthless Card--You are nothing without me. You cannot survive alone.

The Money Card--Leave me and you will be left with nothing (even if half of what we own belongs to you)

The Reputation Card--I will tell your darkest secrets and you will be exposed and publiclly humiliated

The Child Custody Card--I have the will and the means to take the children away from you

The Victim Card--You have impeded me, ruined my life and now I'm the one who's suffering.

The Final Threat Card--I know you; I hate you; I will destroy you

As you observe this drama, learn how to pull yourself back from the edge of fear. Be aware that these are the narcissist's primitive projections. The narcissist is verbally ejecting on to you his/her unconscious feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and fury that he hides from himself. Narcissists rarely get in touch with these feelings. It would be psychologically too intolerable for them. Projecting their toxins on to others is a safer and simpler route for them to take.

Remind yourself that the narcissist is not screaming about you. You are a separate person. You have your own problems, vulnerabilites and shortcomings. You are doing your best to deal with them. Draw a clear boundary between these outbursts and your own psychological space. Often it is wise to create a physical distance from the narcissist, removing yourself from the toxic atmosphere. It is worth practicing disciplines of calming the mind and body through yoga, breathing techniques, aerobic exercise, tai chi. To learn more about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists---Don't Let Down Your Guard

2010-02-27T21:50:00Z

Covert narcissists are brilliantly sneaky. I call their MO--Slapping you with a Smile! Their smooth superficial engaging manner draws people to them. Covert narcissists are clever at playing the fake humility card. Beneath these performances this brand of narcissist is as toxic as his grandiose classic relatives. The covert narcissist thrives by constantly reminding himself/herself that he is a "good person." He often achieves this through subtle bragging about his worldly accomplishments and acquisitions. Throughout his interactions the CN is reminding you of his superiority and your inferiority. The CN is a fine actor who fakes empathy, humor and spontaneity, putting you completely off guard. When he or she is in the mood the CN will shower compliments and accolades on you, like aromatic flower pedals. The CN is always reminding you of his superiority and your inferiority. There is no genuine communication with a CN. They appear to dip into serious topics but they are unable to go deep emotionally or psychologically or to share the mutual experience of discovering insights with you. Conversations with them move in one direction-theirs. They pretend to listen but the CN is waiting to claim his next narcissistic supply at your expense. These interchanges are stressful and tiring, leading nowhere. If you are involved with a CN through marriage, family or friendship, it is your decision whether to maintain the "relationship" or not. You have different values from the narcissist. You are open to creating loving relationships, even if this involves inevitable pain at times. Your life agenda is much deeper and broader than the acquisition of worldly power and possessions. You don't need the constant fanfare of ego enhancements and narcissistic supplies. Your sense of self is solid. You are capable of compassion and emotional intimacy. You are an evolving whole vibrant human being. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist's Inflated Ego

2010-02-26T22:50:00Z

The narcissist's ego is highly inflated. He or she believes that he is more intelligent, creative, attractive and superior to anyone else. The narcissist's expects perfect mirroring--that you feed back tohim his flawless vision of himself. Those with healthy egos can withstand the ups and downs of life, even the ambushes and psychological assaults of cruel and ruthless human beings. For those who take a spiritual direction the goal is to drop the ego piece by piece. This is achieved during a series of steps that can include discipline, meditation, concentration and insight that quiet the mind and bind us to the universality and beauty of other human beings and life as a whole.

Destructive Narcissistic Greed

2010-02-25T19:00:00Z

Greed is a word that is used to describe the renegade behaviors of narcissists who achieve momentous success at the expense of others, even close family members. The narcissist is psychologically and spiritually hungry. His/her restless need, search and acquisition for more, despite what he already has, is a signature trait of the high level narcissist. (High level refers to the narcissist who succeeds in the world). The word avarice also applies to the narcissist's obsession with the pursuit of material possessions, luxury, the company of powerful human beings. The word avarice originates from the Old French and encompasses not only the desire to get something--wealth, possessions,control--but a strong urge to withhold what others need. Narcissists are both greedy and avaricious.

If you are married to a narcissist, recognize that this individual is very unlikely to change. Narcissists pursue large material rewards to enhance their egos. They are always in a restless state of locating another source of narcissistic supplies--business associates, spouses, children, friends. Narcissists are constantly thinking about how they will build and maintain their monetary and power bases. Narcissists grow with no sense of limits or focus upon the welfare of others. They are always overreaching for their desires and are either oblivious, bored or aggravated by the needs of others. Narcissists not only cannot stop grabbing more for themselves but they commandeer from everyone around them if they can get away with it.

I know of divorce cases where the material possessions could have been fairly divided. But that was not the case. The narcissist schemed with cunning and destroyed any shred of material safety from his or her spouse. This was done for spite, revenge and to watch the ex-partner suffer. In some cases the narcissist celebrates his vanquished spouse. Does he or she show concern through his behavior for his children. Absolutely not! Unless the children can be used as narcissistic supplies, they are abandoned with the spouse to fend for themselves. The narcissist, devoid of conscience, never looks back at the consequences of his greed (which often results in the diminishing of life quality) The narcissist always moves forward to ensnare receptive, naive individuals who are willing to allow their lives to be taken over by these overpowering individuals.

There are strategies for staying clear from destructive narcissistic greed. Begin by learning as much as you can about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality and the specific origins of this disorder. Build up your own healthy sense of self. Examine your psychological vulnerabilities. For example, do you have tendencies to be strongly attracted to overpowering, magnetic charming individuals who might be narcissists? Are you over-impressed by worldly power and material possessions. Are you more drawn to an individual's good character than what he or she is worth on a balance sheet? Demystify the inner workings of the narcissistic personality, learn how to handle these voracious human beings and to build up your authentic self. Visit my website:

www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Ex-Spouses of Narcissists-Reclaiming Your Sense of Well Being

2010-02-24T17:05:00Z

The aftermath of divorcing a narcissist is complex. Many spouses have spent years, on the front lines of the narcissistic marriage wars. On the surface, everyone saw the perfect couple. In private the scenes of life with a narcissistic spouse are stressful, exhausting and anxiety provoking. Marriage to a narcissist takes its toll on the partner. Many clients have told me about chronic anxiety, insomnia, intestinal upsets, headaches, sapping of physical and creative energy and depressive reactions. The spouses of the narcissist is always embattled. (often without realizing that he or she is constantly in the middle of a psychological and emotional siege.)

When the divorce is final, the real work of healing begins. This is a process not measured in days or weeks but rather occurs moment by moment. The first step starts with a commitment to self healing. It is time for self care, meaning a respect for oneself that focuses on your emotional, physical and psychological well being. Find a form of exercise that works for you. If you are walking, begin with small time increments--five minutes, ten minutes. Be aware of your physical limitations. Some individuals start with gentle stretching movements that free the body from stiffness and stress. Set up a time each day for being with yourself in a quiet uninterrupted setting. Five minutes will work. Choose how you want to create moments of peace for yourself---where you don't have to go anywhere or fulfill any obligations to others. This can take many forms: inspirational reading, favorite calming music,chanting, relaxation through breathing techniques,brief meditation, gentle yoga poses. Maintain contact with a few individuals who are worthy of your trust. It doesn't take a group. It begins with one empathic person who cares deeply about you. It is worth taking the time to build these relationships. It make take a lot of searching but the rewards of authentic friendship are limitless. Above all, be patient, unjudgmental and kind to yourself. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Will Prevail Over Your Narcissistic Family

2010-02-24T06:27:00Z

If you have been raised among a family of narcissists, you know how psychologically suffocating this can be. Most of those who grew up in these environments didn't realize whom they were contending with during childhood. Some of these individuals repeat the pattern of childhood by marrying narcissists. Others spend much of their lives, blaming themselves for not measuring up to the "accomplishments" of their narcissistic siblings. This debacle occurs as the result of the narcissistic parent(s) who rewards the children who fall in line with the narcissistic qualities of extreme self entitlement, poorly developed conscience, primitive ruthlessness, lack of empathy, taking advantage of others to achieve success.

Adults who have survived living in this fiery cauldron of narcissism deserve our deepest respect. So often discarded and put aside by narcissistic family members, these courageous individuals pursue their individual talents and respect their individuality over the pathological fusion of their narcissistic family of origin. Often these warriors of survival discover that severing their pseudo relationships with narcissistic family members becomes essential for evolving as individuals and taking the initiative to manifest their unique talents in the world and to form healthy intimate relationships and friendships. I have received many communications from children who grew up in a narcissistic family and lived not only to tell the tale but to prevail and triumph as unique, gifted, individuated and compassionate human beings. Everyone is an individual despite our family of origin. Each person has within him specific precious talents, drives and energies that deserve and cry out to be manifested in the world and in the deepest recesses of the heart and mind. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don't Let the Narcissist Eclipse Your Life

2010-02-22T15:45:00Z

There is a strong surge of narcissism in our culture today---like a mighty undertow. We see the media catering to narcissists every day---even if some of them have stolen public money for their private whims. They are growing substantially in number because they are so revered by the public. As long as a movie or TV celebrity, sports star, is at the top professionally and is gorgeous and talented, it doesn't matter whom he/she harms in their private life.

Those who live with narcissists as marital partners or children are on a difficult path. They may not realize that the narcissist lives only for himself or herself. If you are part of his personal life, the narcissist does not view you as a unique, separate human being who deserves respect. You are an object and a fixture in his domain that reflects his perfection and dominance.

Being married to a narcissist and divorcing a narcissist are challenging to say the least. The narcissist is determined to take over your life. Everything, including you, revolves around him. That's the way narcissists operate. Don't be swept away by their promises or the lifestyle that you share with them. No one can own you or force you to be or do what is against your will. As children we were at the mercy of our parents. As adults it is important to realize that the narcissist is not our tyrannical parent. The good parent doesn't allow his child to be ensnared by the narcissist. If the situation becomes too toxic, divorcing a narcissist in order to preserve the mental and psychological health and wholeness of one's children, can become necessary. I have read and heard too many life stories of spouses who hung on to the narcissist's lifestyle and all of the public praise and attention connected with this at the expense of their children's mental and emotional health.

As an adult the narcissist cannot ruin or eclipse your life, unless you allow him/her to do this. Think about who you really are, demonstrate respect for yourself as an individual, give life to the use of your many unique creative gifts and vow----"The narcissist will neither eclipse my life nor disturb my inner peace." To learn more in depth about the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Telephone Consultation

Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Understanding - Dealing with the Narcissist's Rage

2010-02-21T21:25:00Z

Married to a Narcissist-Come Out of the Shadows

2010-02-20T22:40:00Z

Those who are married to narcissists are treated by them as possessions. The narcissist is in charge and control of his/her partner. Those married to narcissists are psychologically trapped, unable to individuate from these individuals. Some partners break free from the narcissist through excellent psychotherapy, spiritual practices, creating a loyal support system. They move on to lead creative and fulfilled lives on their own terms.

Narcissist's Psychological Emptiness

2010-02-19T21:30:00Z

With all of their gestures and deeds that cry out: "I'm superior; you are inferior. I'm special; no one can surpass me" the narcissist is psychologically empty. These unconscious feelings of emptiness are so intolerable that they are hidden in the unconscious. The narcissist is always on empty, constantly scouring his/her environment for narcissistic supplies in the form of praise, material possessions, public stature, domination and control over others. Narcissists who function at a very high level, I call them supernarcissists, have a perpetual flow of praise and admiration coming to them through followers who are members of their inner circle. If the narcissist is a celebrity or public person, these psychological supplies and ego enhancers are more available to him. The supernarcissist's exposure is vast, capable of reaching the far corners of the earth.

Beneath the mask of grandiosity and superiority, the narcissist experiences an intolerable psychological pain that is buried deep in the unconscious. This pain is felt most keenly by those who are the unfortunate recipients of the narcissist's cruel projections. These attacks are swift and emotionally lethal, causing the recipient feelings of confusion and emotional devastation. Most often the victims of the narcissist's cruel projections are those closest to him: spouses, children, siblings, friends. The narcissist is unaware and unconcerned about these attacks since they arise from his unconscious. Their source is out of the narcissist's awareness. Narcissistic emptiness cannot be wished away. Certainly, the narcissist has stealed himself against these feelings. It is those who are the recipients of these projections who suffer at the hands of the highly pathological narcissist. Narcissists have no reason to enter psychotherapy and are very unlikely to change.

Those who live with the narcissist every day can benefit from learning how to identify these severe personality disorders and stop blaming themselves for their harsh, cruel behaviors toward them. Learn to protect yourself from the narcissist's insidious and psychologically hurtful projections. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spiritual Teachers-Be Aware

2010-02-18T20:47:00Z

Beware of predatory narcissistic spiritual teachers who fool many people. These narcissists target those who are desperately looking for ways of easing their psychological and emotional pain. They exploit individuals for large sums of money withou helping them in the least. The only benefit is to their prominence and wealth. The true guru is humble. He or she focuses on you, not themselves. Spiritual evolution requires hard work, discipline and perserverance. It is not like instant pudding---add milk and stir.

Protecting Yourself from Covert Narcissists

2010-02-17T20:30:00Z

In this blog post I want to offer you some strategies for protecting yourself from Covert Narcissists. First, train yourself how to identify them. This can be difficult but pay close attention to the signature clues to their personality. Watch for false humility. You will notice that these individuals have a backwards way of bragging about themselves. In a low quiet voice they will tell you about a recent business opportunity that will bring them large sums of money, powerful people they have met who are impressed with them. All of this is said in a monotone, even a whisper. The covert narcissist is playing the double here. He or she is almost complaining that they are receiving powerful narcissistic supplies (to which they feel secretly entitled). It sounds like they are being forced into situations against their will. That is not the case. They have been chasing fame, wealth and power all of their lives. They eat, sleep and breathe pathways that will put them on top. Another aspect of this personality is identical with the classic narcissist---the need for absolute control over others. They are always in the driver's seat. They make sure to surround themselves with underlings who will protect their power position, watch their backs and provide them with the continuous unguent of adulation and praise that they expect and demand. The covert narcissist is every bit as ruthless as the classic, grandiose, over the top narcissist. The difference between them is stylistic. The covert narcissist is highly secretive, knowing every card he will play, who's holding the ace/queen and who has snake eyes. The CN is a master of the bluff. Just when you think they genuinely care about you and are off-guard, they slam you to the ground. They are not given to outbursts so that others observing them (who are not targets) are unsuspecting of their cunning understated style. Continue to remind yourself that this individual is a narcissistic personality who will not change. Regardless of his opening gambits and easy affability, beneath it all he is predatory---stalking game--you. Practice staying calm. Remember that what the CN is dishing out is a projection. The attack and ambush are not about you. They are the MO that the covert narcissist uses to maintain his inflated feelings of superiority, self entitlement and dominance over others. Limit your interactions with covert narcissists. Since there can be no genuine relationship with them, why continue the connection. If you have to interact with the CN for professional reasons, draw protective psychological boundaries around yourself, use clear verbal non-accusative statements if you are verbally attacked and congratulate yourself that you have fended off a blow from a very cagey individual--the Covert Narcissist. To learn more about the narcissistic personality that will help you in dealing with them, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist as Exploiter

2010-02-15T21:20:00Z

Covert Narcissists are Double Agents

2010-02-15T05:54:00Z

In many ways the covert narcissist is more difficult to recognize and harder to deal with than the over the top, grandiose, in your face classic narcissist. You will probably feel safe around the covert narcissist until your nose is bloodied. They hide behind a facade of humility and convincing fake empathy. Beneath this act is ruthlessness, cruelty, the instinct to destroy those who get in their way. Covert narcissists are highly ambitious. They plan their dirty deeds in private. These individuals are masters of social graces and geniuses of fake empathy and faux compassion. The covert narcissist appears to be one of us. This is part of his/her well polished act. He's just plain folks, salt of the earth. Oh, contraire! This person is on his game to win no matter who is destroyed in the process. Blind ambition runs through his veins day and night. He/she schemes to bring down those whom they see as rivals or are perceived as weakened by a loss of monetary power or social status. They glory in hitting people when they're down. They do it with kid gloves; you don't hear them coming. A scene that comes to mind is going through a long dark corridor on a moonless night. Ambient light is absent. You hear only the sound of your breath. You feel safe; this is familiar territory. Soundlessly creeping behind you is a dark figure. At a precise planned moment he/she strikes you to the ground with a master stroke. You fall---shocked, shattered, shaking with fear and rage. The dark figure has made his exit long before you have scrambled to your wobbly feet. This is my description of the style and destructive force of the covert narcissist. Their psychological blows linger because the covert narcissist is a double agent. You believe he is your friend, your ally but this is not the case at all. Each time you are struck and psychologically wounded you vow to distance yourself from this individual. As time elapses you review only the happy warm memories and history you believe you share with this person. Once again the covert narcissist appears---presenting himself as humble, interested in you and very sincere. You take the bait. You let down your guard. The covert narcissist clobbers you with his weapons of emotional destruction---humiliating you, pointing out his superiority over you in subtle ways that let you know that your accomplishments are minuscule. The conclusion---You have no value. You exist only as a reservoir for his source of narcissistic supplies, leaving you emotionally drained and despondent.

There are some strategies you can use with these covert operatives. First, remember who they are---narcissistic personality disorders. They are ruthless, calculating, cunning and highly manipulative. They are not going to change----ever. Learn to remain clear about your own intrinsic value as a human being and to practice a quiet unreactive indifference to their tactics. Honor and protect yourself in every encounter with them. Don't provide them with the slightest opening to enter your private psychological space. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com