Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Narcissistic Mother
Many adult children of narcissistic mothers have internalized toxic projections of this highly disturbed parent. They believe that they are defective and at fault. Narcissistic siblings unite with the mother and reinforce these feelings of being at fault, not being good enough, never adding up, ruining the family image. When adult children research the narcissistic literature they are surprised to learn that it is the narcissistic mother who is to blame not the child. Many of these adult children go on a quest to discover who they really are. They discover insights into their true natures. They learn to appreciate their individuality and gifts. Many of them separate physically and emotionally from the narcissist mother. They will no longer be stunted, blocked, brutalized, criticized and undermined by this person even though it is your mother. It is your decision to remain connected with the NM and whether to separate from this person who is psychologically toxic.
There are many ways to heal from the narcissistic mother that include practices of quieting the mind, hatha yoga, creative writing, walking meditation, making a companion of Nature. At this point you appreciate yourself as a solid, individuated person. Celebrate you freedom and your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 2/14/2012 12:24 AM 
Categories: mental health, narcississtic personality, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic personality, narcissistic mother, personality disorders, family relationships, self help. mental health, narcissistic wife, narcissism, female narcissists, abusive relationships, children of narcissistic mothers, narcissistic mothers, interpersonal relatinships
Categories: mental health, narcississtic personality, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic personality, narcissistic mother, personality disorders, family relationships, self help. mental health, narcissistic wife, narcissism, female narcissists, abusive relationships, children of narcissistic mothers, narcissistic mothers, interpersonal relatinships
Yes indeed! I am working on quieting the mind, Dr. Your writings are blessings to me and many others who have been torn to shreds by the narcissistic mother, and (in my case) my monster brother. The phenomenon has switched at this point: My mother will be 85 this month, and my brother has taken over as brutalizer. He has threatened to kill me (in a HIGHLY intoxicated state), but as a sober person (erm not sure if/when that occurs) he has taken on her facial expressions, her meanness, biting sarcasm, and he has dumped me. Therefore HE has lost me until he comes back. He won't. I have grieved for awhile now over J, but i've moved on. As for mom, she is who she is. I try NOT to get my mind too excited when forced to be around her. Today i am a loving adult, so i have mended as much of the fence as i can with mom and dad. But, as you have said, my parents have polluted my reputation among my extended family, so essentially i have no BLOOD family. I have a new family ... and i'm going in with pleasure, and with MENTAL HEALTH, not nastiness and hate like my blood family.
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Dr., thank you for writing the article. And Melissa, thanks for your reply. It helps to read others experience with the treachery and cruelty of the loved ones with this disorder. My Blood family has not been part of my life for a little while now due to ongoing scapegoating strategies and lies of my N father. My mom, me and my sisters used to be close but slowly my very unhealthy father whittled the relationships apart. Now mom sweet but overdependent mom is mean and almost as cruel as my father always has been. I used to miss my sisters and mom more but since the recent discovery of why there has been this fragmentation, I am slowly healing.
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Thank you Cecilia. My Golden brother is now hovering over my aging parents in order to get his cash. I expect to get screwed in the end. I cannot be in the same room as my brother. I do not trust that he won't harm me. I think the mental abuse is the worst, but he is very angry and perhaps armed and dangerous. Where on earth did this poison come from? I was this kind child born into a den of wolves (sans Dad). Dad was a follower of mom's ... so he kept me from offing myself. For that i am grateful. In these situations, there is no one to stand up for you .. but behind closed doors, dad comforted me by just talking to me. He was never really fatherly ... sort of a friend. He defended and defends mom to the end. Regardless if he knows something about her that i don't know, I still see no defense for her behavior toward her own child. Her choice. So be it. I wonder who she tortures now? Not me. Not directly. That work is still in progress.
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I love this writing. It is all so familiar to me. I have begun my quest to find myself and what is real in life. Thank you!
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Hi Nansie and Melissa,
Yes, i agree its a great post, all of your posts are great Dr Linda Martinez, i cannot get enough of this psyche boosting, its just great. Thank you.
It is awful how we start to self doubt ourselves and get put into the gutter where our N mums wanted us. I REFUSED!!! and i got punished for it,i started to get successful and so happy, it really angered my Nmum, she could hardly bare it. She had to burst that bubble of mine and make me unhappy.
Thank god i no longer have to listen to the bragg BRAGG bragging about the golden queen daughter. Oh boy did it reach beyond a joke, Golden sis was the ma ba masters degree WITH HONORS, how many times i heard the word honors was a joke. Big big photo of her in the hall way (the graduate with the hat) photo. They did send her to university and pay for her. I did not get that chance, back in those days. shame golden sis never chose to study psychology.
Golden sis took over from Nmum. she just couldn't help herself non stop talking about herself, brag brag brag, barely taking breath, never noticing you, talking at you.
My self doubts are getting less and less now. I am not a looser, or a dirty OLD tart, who is THICK, UGLY and FAT, (even though i was in a size 12 dress). They use to say "if i had brains i would be dangerous", they would all roll about laughing. Golden sis was introduced to people as their academic one. If i tried to talk and be heard amongst them N mum would cringe and say my voice is too loud and shout shut up!!!
I'm none of those things N mum tried to project on me and i never will be. "sorry about that N mum, what a disappointment i am for you". I'm not at fault but they certainly are.
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Hi ladies. My NMum was much sneakier. I was always thought to be insane because my mom played the saint in public. She tortured us (except J, my brother) at home. Jeff used to hit me, was once knocked unconscious by him, but he did it out of sights of mum and da. Dad was weak (although i love him). He never had anything to say. He played deaf, and today he is near deaf, for real. As for mom, she ate away at me until i felt defeated and decided to turn the page ... only to make her happier (during rebellion). Now that i am strong and talented (a hem, if i do say myself) she can't be bothered to reach out. She has nothing to say to me because her cruelness no longer applies, and she can't keep saying, "oh i'm sorry i RUINED you". Gee, what's the message there. SO all in all, she's on her own ... i visit. End of story. I expect nothing from them when they die. I will probably miss the good times that were interspersed in the torments to keep me insane. However, there is no dispute ... when she was happier, she could be somewhat tolerable. When she had food in her mouth, she was fine. I feel sorry that she is miserable and awful, but she doesn't know it. Ignorance is bliss ... i release you, mom. I love you, but you are out of my head. ... mostly. Good luck to all of us as we keep that nasty woman out of our daily lives, minds and souls.
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Hi Jane and Melissa! We all have so much in common. The greatest thing we have in common though is that we got away from our N mothers.
I once read on a website "Hell holds a special place for narcissistic mothers". It's awful but I found comfort in this statement. The terrible things we endured at the mercy of these demons we called mother.
I am so sorry you both endured all you did...I cringe reading your stories but yet can identify with everything you say.
I have gotten so much from this website and so enjoy all of Linda's postings. Little by little I will find myself for the first time in my life...I may actually learn meditation too... So great to touch base with all of you!
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Hi Nansie and Jane. Yes, the path is the Journey of a Lifetime: Finding ourselves and pursuing OUR dreams. It is a difficult path. The voice i hear in my head (less so now) from my N mum is so destructive, i sometimes take on the self-brutalization and have to pause, breathe and regroup. Sometimes a recollection will strike me while i'm walking downtown Chicago, and tears will be falling down my face. It is still a struggle, but with love and support, i'm learning to shut the Evil One's voice out, and create a new template for myself. I am not bad, slutty and painfully average. I am healthy, loving, loved and i have some worth today. So there mommie dearest. xoxox m
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Hi Nansie and Melissa
Hope your both recovering well.
Thats the way to go!!! who needs a N mum, someone who puts up with enemies i guess. Yuk, my body would not tolerate my N mum now, it would repel her.
I really am starting to enjoy the peace now and am starting to come to terms with all that happened. I just feel relief that i don't have to put up with that pathological snake pit of a family any more. I use to be ill a week before a visit, panicky and sick. After the visit it was always the same a week of weird apathy and depression would set in. HOW did i live like that for all them years???
We do all have a lot in common with our N families, we were the scapegoated exasperated souls, but not any more!!!
Just when i thought my life was free from Narcissists i had a strange night out with a newish friend the weekend, this lady is my neighbor, we have been on a few nights out etc, she seems to be showing signs of NPD. I just cant believe it, may keep my distance. She got a bit drunk and nasty, and said a few strange rude things to me. At least i can nip it in the bud and get rid now. I love my new found knowledge its amazing. I refuse to get in that disgusting reunion with the trauma model again- The Narcissistic Scar- my Narcissist mar. I can see where ive been going wrong all my life now, with partners and friends. It wont happen again!!
Mediation and yoga is great Nansie , its so relaxing and you really feel well after. Our nervous systems get shot to peaces when in that war with the N mar. Yoga can release the stress of it. I was doing it last year. May book another course actually. speak soon.
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Hello Annonymous! Thank you for your input here. You sound like you've gotten a good edge on this and are recovering well from your family. I look forward to this. As for your neighbor...sounds like more of the same trouble to me too...I don't blame you for steering clear of her. Good luck to you!
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Wow Melissa those last two sentences are powerful. I believe a new template emerges once we are away fromt his abuse for a period of time. I am sure the length of time varies for all of us but I am looking foward to mine. I have had a few small tastes of it so I know it's there and forming. I am rediscovering things I enjoyed that I had given up years ago because of the aggravation I would go through as a result from my husband. I've been excited to know there is more to come. This is where my template will emerge again.
I too have times when a memory or flashback will hit and where ever I am the tears start to fill my eyes. As I start to rediscover myself and I like it...it's also painful because I am reminded of just how much of myself got lost over the years. So it's kind of a double edged sword here. But I have only been away from my husband for 6 months.
I am happy to hear the voice in your head is fading out. I can't wait for mine to. Between my husband and my mother I've got plenty to leave behind. My therapist is good and I am doing better. I so know what you mean about the self brutalization...I have been there and still go there at times. One piece at a time and we will all get there for yes...the Journey of a Lifetime.
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Hi Nansie. Wow, six months of peace! More to come. None of this "releasing" is easy. I refuse to stop fighting the voices and negative thoughts that come up (to be sure, i'm not psychotic) but the voices of my mother belittling me at ever corner. There are a LOT of corners to turn in this life. The hardest part for me is letting new people in. I have always felt like an outsider because of my self-loathing, and messages from dear old mom. So if i meet (for example) my new boyfriend's sister and she is the polar opposite of me and is ALSO narcissistic, I GO NUTS. I spend 5 days in a PTSDC shock. (Check that out -- you'll find comfort in understanding PTSD-Complex). I was unable to think clearly. I felt as though i'd been shot, literally. I felt FILLED with RAGE, i felt UNPROTECTED by my boyfriend (mostly because he saw my acting out) and didn't know the reasons for my reactions. She is another story, but she is just as hateful and hating on me as my mother. BUT, i digress. I'm learning to find the ones i love ... and i love them with all my heart!!! Talk soon. Melissa
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Hi anonymous. Thanks for the pep talk. OH MY GOD, YES, i remember the week before and the collapse after visiting the N Family. I usually ended up canceling because i was so hysterical i couldn't breathe. I DID regret that though, and that was FOOD for fodder with the "N"s, you can bet. So they are more dug in than ever ... and i am more cautious than ever. I will not be talking with my brother probably ever again. He may hurt me physically. My mom and dad are different. I visit WITH my boyfriend, and we drink a little to ease the tension: More food for fodder. But D and i enjoy the visits as much as possible. They are old and will probably live for another 10 -15 years. I wouldn't be surprised to see my mom top 100. So, anyway. I can't do yoga, unfortunately. I have pulled every muscle and have been in such pain, i cannot do it. I swim. That works for me. EXERCISE works for the endorphins. So off with the Dolphins i go! xoxo melissa
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I posted a few days ago regarding my wonderful stepfather who has been prisoner to my abusive mother for the past 36 years. At 46 years the truth came out...It had not been me all along! Words cannot describe the emotions that I endured. I am having a difficult time with identifying my feelings. I feel paralyzed and unsure of anything.everything I knew and felt is distorted. Not only did I realize my mother was a horrible unloving narcissist, but I am not part of the family and considered dead to them. She spoke for everyone. My dad took me aside to tell me he loved me more than words and he had to let me know that it was never my fault he understands it all clearly after all these years that she is a toxic person. Sadly, he still loves her and is in denial of her feelings for him. I no longer have family to turn to, my friends are few but my husband is a wonderful man. My biggest fear now is I also came to terms with my own issues. My prior marriage I was my mother my husband had the wisdom to see my personality disorder clearly and left. I look back and clearly see my behavior mimicking my mother. The difference is that I beat myself up for inflicting pain on people I cared for. I do have a conscious! The eating disorder I have had for the past 30 yrs never was resolved in treatment because I never knew the root of my problem. I spent the past two years caring for my boo father who was terminally ill while my husband struggled to pay bills. We have been told no longer would we be assisted financially, from now on we are on our own. We rent a home from my mom and step dad and that too is being taken away. My stepfather is torn up over it but cannot say a word. Financially and emotionally depleted I have hope. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? I am in great need of psychotherapy before I cross over to full psychosis. My brother schizophrenic and sister also Nod and in a nursing home. I can't let it take me I deserve to be happy before my life here is done . At least I know I am not alone and it's NOT MY FAULT!!!
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Kathleen you are not alone in this. There are so many of us that can identify with your story and then add some more horrors to it. Many days I pray like hell and God does help. If you have a church you are active in they will help you find new housing and then with other needs. I am so sorry to hear of your story...one more heartless family tragedy caused by a narcissistic parent. So sad and horrid.
I'll tell you what though...your insights are huge and so is the fact that your step dad validated them for you. This is the mechanism that will enable you to go forward and heal and get better...not worse. Hang onto it for dear life because it is like balm on an open wound. You can do this and get better it just takes time. Yes time and sometimes it doesn't go fast enough with the healing but it does work. You are not alone in this! You have many comrads out there fighting to heal too. We are on websites like this and will read your posts...identify with them and then share insights. We have been where you are...some of us still there and we are all fighting to feel better together.
What I hear from your post is that you have a good grip on what's happened and have accepted how wrong it was and that you were not to blame for any of it. This is a huge foundation to go forward from and you will. There will be good days and bad...times you feel the progress and times you feel a setback but in the end you will still be further ahead than behind. Don't get stuck focussing on what happened. Focus on where you are going from here and what you want your life to be from this point on. You are not your mother and you are also not the person she would have you believe you are. Your step Dad even confirmed that and he was there to witness it all.
Take good care of yourself and try to find something each day that is about you and soothing to you. It's a time in your life, mine too, to sooth the wounds that feel paralyzing. You could not prevent the wounds but you do have the power and insight to heal them. Never forget...as I don't...hell holds a special place for narcissistic mothers and God makes all things right in life. It's our job to trust Him and let Him help us heal...You are a strong person and have much left in life to experience and enjoy. You need to see to it that you do...me too and I am determined. Take good care of yourself and stay in touch in this blog. If I can offer you any insight I am so glad to.
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