Making the decision to divorce a narcissistic spouse can be wrenching
even after you can identify this person as a severe personality disorder
who is not going to change. In many cases there are shared financial
resources, residences and other possessions that will require division.
The narcissist always lies about his true assets and often conceals them
when serious talk of divorce fills the air. Make sure you choose an
excellent attorney who understands the ruthless games of the narcissist,
their no limits attitude and lack of conscience and of course their
incredible acting skills. Be prepared for the plots and plans, their
pity and martyr roles. Follow their assets with a microscope. In some
instances forensic accountants are hired to get to the bottom of what
the narcissistic spouse has hidden. After the final papers are signed
and the divorce is a reality, the non-narcissistic spouse is left to put
back together his/her lives.
After the narcissist the spouse who has been through an emotional and
psychological roller coaster ride and has sustained great stress and
trauma goes through a process of rebuilding the self. For years and even
decades your life has been dictated by the controlling narcissist. In
effect you were a prisoner of your marriage. The narcissist made all of
the rules and you were expected to obey. Your life was overshadowed by
this highly pathological human being.
Now that you are free, you may find yourself going through a period of
adjusting to making your own decisions and rediscovering your creative
gifts. For other spouses , they move into first gear very quickly---they
are prisoners who have been waiting for the gates of freedom to open.
These individuals began to bloom and thrive. They discover that they
have great amounts of energy. They feel their freedom. They discover
that they feel great making their own decisions. They experience joy in
recovering their great creative gifts from the past and finding talents
that they didn't realize they had. This is a process of restoring your
life. There is a freedom with other people. You can express yourself
spontaneously, create new meaningful relationships that are supportive
and healing. Some of those who divorce narcissists begin healing
practices of yoga and meditation that result in deeper healing and a
sense of peace. The sense of a solid self is built on a firm foundation
of knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself. There are so
many reports of those who free themselves from narcissistic spouses that
are inspirational and bring light into our lives. To learn about the
narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Divorce Narcissistic Spouse---Rediscover Your Sense of Self and Use of Your Creative gifts
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 2/9/2012 12:32 AM 
Categories: narcississtic personality, married to a narcissist, mental health, narcissistic parents, narcissistic fathers, self help. mental health, narcissistic mother, divorcing your narcissist, narcissistic personality, narcissistic husband, abusive relationships, narcissistic wife, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, married to narcissist, family relationships, narcissistic mothers
Tags: rediiscover sense of self healing from narcissistic spouse become solid self after the narcissist
Categories: narcississtic personality, married to a narcissist, mental health, narcissistic parents, narcissistic fathers, self help. mental health, narcissistic mother, divorcing your narcissist, narcissistic personality, narcissistic husband, abusive relationships, narcissistic wife, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, married to narcissist, family relationships, narcissistic mothers
Tags: rediiscover sense of self healing from narcissistic spouse become solid self after the narcissist
Hello Linda!
This post is amazing and right on! Infact I forwarded it on to my attorney who's handling my divorce.
I have enjoyed some of the freedoms you mention. Right now I am very financially tied as he cut of all funds to me. We have 2 businesses and he has taken revenue for both and given me nothing. I am waiting for temporary orders to come down from the court. My lawyer did a good job exposing the fact that his financial affidavit was incorrect due to the fact he wasn't even claiming one of the businesses. OH yea assets are hidden and we are uncovering them little by little. Also uncovered the fact that he never claimed this business to the IRS either and for the last 3 years our taxes have been "incorrect"? He swears if he gets audited by the IRS he is taking me to jail with him and I had nothing to do with the taxes other than sign them each year and trust my husband.
I am so happy to be off this rollercoaster in life but I am also having trouble with depression. I believe this is caused by all the rage I have. When I reflect back on my marriage now that the filters are gone I can see how I was under his thumb and just how cruel and selfish a human being he is and was to me and my children. This was my second marriage so he never really bonded with my kids but spent years making it look good. I wanted this so badly that I bought in hookline and sinker.
Since our separation, due to a restraining order from his violence, he has squeezed me financially terribly. He has no mercy and has turned on us with the flip of a switch. This has devistated the kids and I the most....the way he could just shut off all feelings for us like we never mattered to him. We were with him for 13 years and are going through the normal grieving process but what he's done has just left us kind of shocked. He is trying to get a court order for my daughter to remove him as a cosigner on one of her student loans for college. He managed to cosign for 1 year and after that I was able to. He's put a motion into the court for them to remove us from the house and give it back to him. We have no where to go and he has plenty of family he can live with. His lawyer did this for him even after reading about that violent night when the police were called. I have a very good lawyer who is also shocked by this.
When I read your book and website the word "ruthless" is what stands out in my mind. I never respected the meaning or depth of this word like I do now. This word has huge meaning and truth when it comes to the narcissist and should be the first consideraton noted when crossing paths with one.
Thank you again for your writings and book. I draw alot of comfort from this.
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Hang in there Nansie, I divorced a narcissist almost 2 years ago after a 26 year marriage. It was gut wrenching and scary. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself and my sons. I have been following this blog for some time now, everything she says is spot on. It takes time but life does get better
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What did you do for yourself Donna for thigs tp get better? I', not sure why my husband hasn't given me a divorce yet, I know he wants one, we are both on disability. In 2008 I found out I had colon cancer, 7 months later tumors grew back and I was in for my second surgery. It was like he was jealous I was sick and he started getting weak in his legs and was only worried about him. Anyhow he got aproved for disability and brings home twice what I get. He is also trying to get disability through the VA.I also have no car so hard to get around. I would like to get spousal suport in my divorce, is there anyone out there who knows someone I can call? I would appreciate your help.
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Hi Donna!
Thanks for your kind words. I am headed to a better place in life...this I know. It's all very new to me. I have never known life without a narcissist ruling somewhere. My mother was one and then I had a series of failed marriages because I kept marrying narcissists. It's all I knew in life and had no idea. I am on a better road already as I gain new understandings and meaning in my life.
Divorcing a narcissist after so many years of marriage is so intense. While the huge burden gets lifted off the battle of the divorce becomes huge. Kudos to you for having this kind of courage after 26 years of it. I can only imagine what this all was like for you? Did you get professional help with therapy? I have this and it does help me so much. I have learned so much from this website and share it with everyone I know. The book was good too.
Can you tell me what it was like with your recovery process from it all? I am so interested in knowing more about this. Thanks again!
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Nansie, After now being divorced over 1 year and him out of my life over 2, I can say that I am getting settled and discovering the peace and creativity of a new life. It was my second marriage lasting over 20 years, N both times. One bad boy and one "good guy" the hero, he nearly destroyed me. But I have risen from the ashes and so will any one who stands for the truth of the reality of the situation and gets out. Divorce was brutal and I never ceased to be amazed at the lengths that he tried to go to. All the better to expose himself to those who could not see his true nature. This website and the book are so helpful. I always check in from time to time and am always encouraged from the information and compassion found here. Self care is so crucial, not only physically but emotionally. Be kind to you. Yoga, Qi Gong, meditation have been healing to me. I had very little support initially because of a system of belief that you stay together no matter what. I was angry for quite a long time relinquishing my freedom as an individual to hopefully please God. How freeing it was to discover, that was never required of me or anyone. I am fortunate to have a counselor who gets it. The healing for everyone will be different but all of my experiences led to a point of awakening and seeing things as they really are, not through the eyes of illusion or the delusion of the N.
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Julie...such a nice post and thank you. I too have been shocked to the levels my husband has gone to in this divorce. I swear he has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. I had never seen this side of him before. He is so vengeful and spiteful that I am shocked by it and how petty it will get.
This website and the book has opened so many doors for me. I am reading more and more books on the subject. And they do help alot. Also...alot of growth within is going on for me right now but I am not clear on just what it is. I know I'm at the beginning of it all. It's great to hear from others who are further along in the journey and hear about their process. It's so comforting to know that the rage will pass. As I rediscover myself I become aware of how much of me I lost and the impact it had on my kids. They are older now but still have been so hurt by it all. As I gain more awareness I also see how far the damages went...that brings more rage. So right now I kind of have this cycle going on of discovery and then awareness and then anger. I know this will pass and I so hope it's soon.
I am thinking of trying meditation to see where that takes me. Can't hurt right?
Hearing you talk of freedom inspires me so thank you for that!
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I recently found out that I was married to a Narcissist, been married for 30 years, he made me feel like something was wrong with me. He is happy about our separation, because all his friends and family feels sorry for him. He has made himself look like the abused person. I need help to feel good about myself, I feel all alone in the world.
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One of the best things I have done is gone on the internet and do research. I had no idea what was wrong with my marriage; why I was so unhappy; until I read article after article of narcissistic spouse going through the same thing. My husband was very charming and handsome and I have known him since we were 11. It has been devastating going through a divorce. I can only tell you that you are not alone. Here is what has kept me going. I have surrounded myself with about 5 very strong friends; all who are mothers who love me very much and they love my children. These husbands could make anyone look crazy but They know me better. I had them read up and learn as much as they could about a narcissist. As my aunt Wilma would say; my women warriors..I could text them at any time of the night; and they would be there for me. They kept reminding me that I am a strong and amazing woman and that I did not make this craziness. I was told journaling is a great tool; I am not consistent. Everyone finds what works for them. For me I run on fear of my N; so knowledge is powerful to me. Burying my head in the sand just gets me in trouble. The more you learn what to expect the better you are at protecting yourself. Get help from those who love you to remind you that you are not alone. For me it was a very sad ending; until I realized how sad I had been the 22 years Iwas married to him. I am just learning baby steps; my divorce was final Mar 12,12 a year after I filed. I consider myself fortunate. In order to survive you need to call upon those who can help you protect yourself and your self esteem. It is very very easy to spiral downward into thinking we are not whole or adequate.
keep in mind just because he says something doesnt mean its really true. That is hard to believe.. but once you step back way back you will begin to see alot more and help you separate yourself from someone who just isnt good for you.
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