Shameless Narcissists Project Shame on their Spouses
Shame is a complex intolerable
feeling of being exposed, wanting to disappear, emotional vulnerability,
feeling inferior and worthless. Each person feels shame in his or her own way.
A child who feels shame has been shamed by parent(s) siblings or other family
members. Shaming a child is a way of controlling them--making them feel small
and helpless.Chronic shaming abuse leaves a painful imprint on the psyche..
Narcissists are shameless. They have no sense of limits or consideration for
others. Narcissists lie shamelessly, attempt to destroy your reputation, even
have you fired---For these serious transgressions of human decency they feel no
shame. Not having a conscience facilitates narcissists in their outrageous and
hurtful behaviors. Narcissists are particularly brutal with their spouses. They
create reasons to shame their partners. Riding along with the shaming is their
volcanic rage. Here there is no let up. They constantly scream in your face,
slam doors, hit walls, then revert to the silent treatment. At the end of these
wretched scenes the narcissist blames you for disturbing him. Narcissistic
spouses are constantly finding ways to whittle you down psychologically, to
keep you desperate, to throttle your nerve endings. Shaming is one of their
most effective evil tools. It is especially pernicious if you were shamed as a
child. Some spouses take this toxic kind of abuse because it is so familiar to
them. They unconsciously turn to a narcissistic spouse to reinforce how they
feel about themselves from childhood. Some spouses, after years of being
belittled and laughed out and dragged through the mud of abuse, wake up and
realize they don't deserve to be treated in this abusive manner.
The work of separating permanently from the narcissistic spouse has begun. This
passage may not be easy or smooth but it is worth the journey. I am in
communication with many spouses who have made this final separation from the
narcissistic spouse. With the help of the support of family members and/or
other members of their social group together with those who benefit from
excellent psychotherapy, they taste freedom for the first time in their lives.
They don't have to make excuses for who they are. They feel no shame or
hesitation as they move toward healing and wholeness. To learn about the
narcissist in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.
Categories: married to narcissist, mental health, interpersonal relationships., narcississtic personality, narcissistic rage, narcissistic personality, personality disorders, family relationships, self help. mental health, narcissistic spouse, narcissistic wife, narcissism, abusive relationships, narcissistic husband, married to a narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder
Tags: narcissists are shameless narcissists shame their spouses narcissists lie shamelessly
I am certain my mother was a Narcissist. She wanted me dead. She made sure i was belittled, shamed, laughed at at every opportunity. I have battled eating disorders, binge-drinking issues, depression (on medication) and i am 51. My mother had post-partum depression after having me. How do i know if she is a narcissist or just completely, utterly depressed. To the outside world she is a volunteer at church, she did meals on wheels for 20 years. I know what happened in my house. I was hated. How can i make sense of this? She would not get help. She was never diagnosed because she refused to seek help. She used her family to suck the life-supply of blood from them. How do i know for sure? Part of me wants to know, and part of me says spilt milk. Still, i still suffer from self-hate, and i look for "slights" in most people. It interferes with my therapy and my daily dealings with people. I know this is all over the map, but i'm new to this phenomenon. I am not a doctor, just someone who has said YES, BINGO to all your articles. xoxo melissa
Reply to this
This sounds very much like a NPD mother. They do suffer with depression, but unfortunately they project it onto their children and spouse instead of introspection. You need to read on about this NPD.
My mother is a manic depressive with personality disorder never been diagnosed, but i have diagnosed her,i know i am right. Depression is all part of it. My N mum was depressed and bewailing since i was an infant. Its all self seeking attention, so its all been about them, never about you for your entire life. They are unfit to be mothers. I hope you read alot more on this pathological disorder, get help and move on with your life before she does any more psychological harm to you. All the best.
Reply to this
After three years of being terrorized by our daughter-in-law, we have come to realize she has many narcissist traits. She has put herself in the center of a web for control of communication, and it appears that she is trying to manipulate and lie in order to separate and alienate our son from the rest of his family - mother, dad, brother. Knowing how close my son & I have been, she has focused on me (the Mom) and verbally abused me, even before the wedding. She is now making up lies, telling my son I said things "when he isn't around" that I didn't say. Her pupose appears to be to drive a wedge between us, and it seems to be working. When I recently tried to defend myself, he took her side and wouldn't believe me. He is in love with her and cannot see the truth. We have watched her belittle him & make fun of him in front of us, always with a smile on her face. She makes fun of him for showing any affection to me, to the point that he waits until she's out of the room to hug me or show me any affection. This situation has reached crisis point now. After her latest degrading email, I decided I was done taking her abuse. After sharing the email with my oldest son, he was so outraged that he could not stand by and allow his brother and his wife to abuse his Mom like this. He tried to make contact with his brother with no response, so he called his wife and all hell has broke loose. Now, I'm horrible for letting him even see the email, even though she claims there was nothing wrong with it. The conversation between them went nowhere, even though that son is an articulate English professor. He could not get through to her after a 2 hr. conversation.For Christmas I was given a book on "Mother-In-Laws", a website on intruding in-laws sent to me, and bible verses on dealing with in-laws. When I merely asked "What is the specific problem?" I received the nasty email written about above, which mainly dealt with events that had happened two-three years ago, events long ago discussed, aplogized for, yet apparently never forgotten. She also attacked my personality, & the fact that I am too "emotional". I have been polite and respectful, giving lots of gifts as I know how much she likes to be made to feel "special". She's always nice before birthdays, holidays, then nasty afterwards. We rarely get together with them, our son seldom calls, and now there is a real possibility we will become estranged if we do not bow to her demands. We have decided the abuse must stop, at least for us. We want to confront them both, to help our son "open his eyes" but are not sure this will even work. We anticipate being ostricized, and she achieving her goal of totally isolating our son from us. She is now trying to get pregnant, already using the potential future grandkids as a ploy. Any suggestions you have for us as we try to maintain our sanity and a relationship with our son would be appreciated.
Reply to this
When my father abandoned me, he married a narcissitic woman who would scream at me every year for not remembering her birthday, all the while telling me about all the people who did remember her birthday and all the presents she got "Except from YOU!", she ranted on like that for years. When I was 15, I was secretly pregnant. My father and she made their usual perfunctory "visit" where they fawned all over each other and gushed about their love. My neighbor took them aside to speak to them about how concerned she was about my obvious delinquency and my scientist father never mentioned my swollen belly. I do not recall my father ever being proud of me, he always insulted and demeaned me usually in the form of a cruel joke like when he would drive by a state institution for the most severely birth defected children were housed, he would say to me, "That's where we found you- in the garbage!" He never spoke to or visited me alone, his wife insisted on always being present and he would wait for her to leave for a moment and stuff some money into my hand, telling me "don't let her know". It's hard to write about and hurts to recall. I always feel a pang of jealousy whenever I see a father's example of love and devotion for their children. My own son's father has very little to do with us and I am chronically scraping by just to survive but I always do my best to nurture and care for my son who is my everything. My son regards me as strange and embarrassing, I remind him from time to time that my mom was severely drug addicted and in a chronic state of stupor. She endangered me and embarrassed me far more than my son could ever imagine.
Reply to this
Oh lady. You are an inspiration for taking such good care of your son. I know what it's like to have a NPD'd mom. The awful part of the whole situation (for me) was that she mixed up her grimacing and cruelty with little drops of "love" ... to keep me off balance. Everyone around the neighborhood thought I WAS the messed up one. So i obliged. I'm pulling my life together now, and it is not easy. I am trying to break the TEMPLATE of being the MISTAKE to my mom. ANY attention i pulled away from that witch sunk me deeper into the poo. It's messed up. So again, i commend you and admire you for loving your son. At least you had the guts to have a child. I skipped it because i was afraid i would be a wicked, bitch mother too. I have not found my personality to be like my mom's. She, of course, made fun of me for being kind. What else? God bless. Godspeed.
Reply to this