Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have one of the most difficult
life routes of all. Many of them were never wanted; they were
psychologically abandoned; some were regularly beaten. They always felt
their mother's secret and often un-secret loathing of them. Narcissistic
mothers are often very envious of their daughters. They hate the child
they have produced who is more intelligent, attractive, likeable,
creative than they. These mothers often keep the father from having any
meaningful interactions with their daughters. Cruel, cold, hateful,
secretive, malicious---these non-mothers tell lies about their daughters
in their efforts to have the father estrange himself from his own
daughter. In some cases this works and the father is seduced into
believing these living vipers.
Most people will never understand what you have endured. They cannot
conceive of someone so malevolent. Will----THEY ARE MALEVOLENT!
You have survived the extreme abuse of a narcissistic mother. You are
entitled to heal. Don't think in terms of how much time it will take.
This must become an essential in your life. This begins with the people
you bring into your daily life and those to whom you say "no" because
they are toxic narcissists. You don't want to put yourself in this kind
of jeopardy ever again. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are drawn
toward charming narcissists, are seduced by them, marry them and repeat
their destructive childhood pattern of abuse.
Let inner peace, creativity, loving relationships be your guide. List
the essentials for your life each day. Some of these can be---quality
sleep, exercise that you enjoy, gentle yoga or some form of movement
that involves using the breath to put you in a relaxation zone. Some
find that journaling--writing spontaneously brings a release, relief and
a healing. Let yourself cry and grieve over the mother you didn't have.
Some of these daughters find that quality psychotherapy helps them to
work through the painful feelings of having had a narcissistic mother.
Make sure that the therapist is empathic, understands the narcissistic
personality, is clinically well qualified and of course, is not a
narcissist. You might be surprised about how many therapists are
narcissistic and are operating by the money incentive.Spend time with
Nature, even if you live in an urban environment. Being in the presence
of Nature is a great healer. Write a list of activities that you have
longed to do. Surround yourself with a few people who care deeply about
your welfare and are available to you always.
Trust your intuition---it is a lifetime guide and companion. To learn
about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers---Healing for Life
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 1/13/2012 7:03 PM 
Categories: mental health, narcississtic personality, narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorders, narcissistic mother, family relationships, psychotherapist, self help. mental health, narcissism, female narcissists, abusive relationships, interpersonal relationships., psychotherapy, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic personality
Tags: daughters of narcissistic mothers narcissistic mothers are vipers toxic narcissistic mothers
Categories: mental health, narcississtic personality, narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorders, narcissistic mother, family relationships, psychotherapist, self help. mental health, narcissism, female narcissists, abusive relationships, interpersonal relationships., psychotherapy, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic personality
Tags: daughters of narcissistic mothers narcissistic mothers are vipers toxic narcissistic mothers
Hello LInda!
This is an excellent writing and right on! This story is my story to a tee. I also am divorcing a narcissistic husband who I have been with for 13 years. Ten years ago I broke away from my family and it has been a long journey to break away emotionally. My growth through therapy brought me far enough to see that I married a narcissist as well.
I have come so far over the years. I have a good therapist who has guided me carefully. I have PTSD into a dissociative disorder. All I can say is that my mother was a demon. I once read that "hell holds a special place for narcissistic mothers". I will never forget this statement as I know in my heart this must be true. My journey has been long, hard and very painful. There were times I didn't know how I would make it. BUT I have two wonderful children and they are everything to me. They have grown into successful and caring young adults.
I have now been separated from my husband for 90 days with a restraining order. With my therapist I have been able to reflect back and see how destructive and manipulative he has been through this marriage. I also have previous failed marriages to narcissists too and never realized this was what I was doing until the past 6 months of my life. I am 54 years old and have no idea what life is like without being under the abuse of a narcissist.
Currently I am in alot of pain due to all the changes I have made as the "lights" have come on in my head. I am afraid and have no idea where I am heading but I hold true to the hope of a better way in life without narcissism. This cycle of abuse is all I have ever known and even though these changes are positive ones I fear the adventure into the unknown. With all this pain going on inside right now I find it hard to leave the house. I am alone in my home and very confused most days. I teeter back and forth between loving and missing my husband and what I've known to hating him and being enraged. Is all of this normal when transitioning out of these abusive environments in our lives? What is this cycle of healing like? I know there are many comforting things I can do and I do some of them. In between I am lost though. Can you offer any direction?
Thank you again for this website and everything you have shared. It has made such a positive difference in my life.
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This is so so true! most people dont understand this silent harmful abuse.They just cant comprehend it i suppose. Im so pleased i have this website Dr Linda Martinez, it really is helping my recovery. It doesn't make me feel so isolated and alone.
My non N mother really has ignored me all my life, its as if she has been trying to destroy and annihalate me since the day i was born.She almost succeeded!
There are no photos of us together, i dont even know where my childhood photos are?? N mother never displayed any ever of me. N mother never ever celebrated one birthday of mine, NEVER! ive never had a cake,or party as a child. As an adult it was always a cheque for a few pounds. I always spent it on my son when he was little as money was tight.
One birthday, Nmother, dad, and 2 golden siblings had pleasure in telling me they had all gone to a restaurant without me and drunk champagne and toasted my birthday. I wonder why i was not invited to my own birthday celebrations????
I thought i always had the best relationship with my father, even though he had always been enabling, but 3 years ago when he called me the Poison in his family " i had the perfect little family if it wasn't for you" he said these words to me. These words stabbed my heart and throat.I was trying to recover from a badly broken leg when he screamed in shame this comment to me. I remember how excited and happy my mother got after this was said. She rose from her black depression in joy.
I always use to get stuck in this terrible catch 22 situation. Every time i would visit and N mum would throw her usual wobbler, i would be blamed, "oh you and Mum, why cant you get along with her???? you will be the death of me" The more i would visit and appease to her the more it would happen. N mum would always say "if any thing happens to your father i blame YOU!" of course my dad finally got high blood pressure. Who is really to blame here? How about dads Narcissistic wife!!! Well after that i had to sever the ties and let him go. I only use to put up with N mum because i worried for my father.There is only so much abuse a human can tolerate. Im totally free now. NO CONTACT is the only cure. I love reading these posts that are so correct and to the point. Thank you Linda.
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Jane my heart goes out to you. I experienced all of these things and worse growing up with my N mother. I was so alone as the "truth carrier" in life grwoing up. I know the pain of all these years and experiences is crushing and at times feels like it will never end. I had to leave my family completely and have no contact with them again. I walked into a therapists office, burst into tears heartbroken over finally realizing I never really had a family to begin with. Since then he and I have been putting the pieces together and I move forward very slowly. I wish I could heal faster emotionally but it's just not that easy after decades of this kind of abuse. Everything that was wrong in our family was always somehow MY fault and I was treated as though I was evil. I developed a dissociative disorder at a young age and this is what saved me during all of those years. I also live with PTSD from repressed memories of trauma. I could go on here but what's important is that my life started again when I shut my family off. No contact is the only way. No contact and no looking back...only forward. Resolve in your mind what you need to and fight to accept something that was wrong from the getgo and can never be made right. The only thing that can be fixed here is the direction you go in now and boundries for how you let others treat you in life. This is a VERY tall order I know. But one day at a time and one foot in front of the other and it will get easier over time.
Narcissists will never "wake up" and see the light for the wrongs they have done. Us victims beat ourselves over the heads trying to figure out ways to get through to them that never work. WE want so desperately to gain the love we deserve from our families. Somehow inside we never want to give up trying because the gain will be so huge when it does work and we do get through to them. I have a horrible time accepting that this is how it is and it is unchangeable. My work now is to accept that a narcissist doesn't change and the only answer is to get away from them and never have contact with them again. This only solution is horribly painful but the only one. The only way this stuff stops is if the victim stops it by leaving and never returning. I am working hard to accept that now because I am married to a N husband and am now in the process of a divorce. I love him like crazy and have a huge battle within going to accept that he won't change and he is incapable of real love. After 13 years I have to turn my back and not look back. So hard, so painful, but the only way. Good luck to you and be kind to yourself!
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Hello Nansie
Thank you for you kind advice,it does seem we have a similar life story being the scapegoat in a N family, having a demonic deranged non mother and bad partners in our past. Im so pleased you said No more! and have had 10 years of freedom and peace from this pseudo family. Apart from one last Narcissistic thorn in you side. YOUR Narcissist HUSBAND!!!. Its so weird! when we split from our N family and find a lot of our friends, partners, HUSBANDS show signs of NarcIssism. (I never married any of my Narc boyfriends ,i raised my son alone.] The puzzle begins to complete itself.
Ive studied psychology to help me through my trauma in which i got badly hurt (broken leg] at that fateful cold N family nest five years ago. I needed Answers!!!! Whats wrong with these people???, my fake family.
What ive come to realize is that there is a continuity of this childhood abuse that follows us into adulthood. Its a weird internal programme planted into us "were not worthy "and to be attracted to partners and friends that are similar to our parents, Its what we learn as children growing in that Narcissist environment. ITS A WRONG INTERNAL RELATIONSHIP PICKER!AND WE ARE WORTHY!!!! IT MUST CHANGE TO THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP PICKER BECAUSE WE ARE WORTH IT!!!!
Im glad you have realized your husband too is a Narcissist after your therapy .
You really should take your own good advise that you just gave me. "they never change, but you can" . Its a good thing the lights are all on in your head, be aware of it!!!, the minute your not, thats the minute you may let Narcissism back in you life!! Dont fear the adventure into the unknown it could be a real good place if you go there with your wise knowledge you have now.
There are people out there with empathy,kindness and allow you to be you, and love you for who you are. You deserve to meet a partner who is not a narcissist!!! after your whole life time of this abuse. STOP! thinking of the good times with him, and focus on that true fact he has a fixed personality disorder thats not going to change! Im sure this breaking away from a Narc husband is the same emotions we get with going No Contact with the N family, thinking have i got this wrong? what if they do love me???? what if he does love me? I think you know that answer. If you got away from your N family 10 years ago, you can do this with N husband.
I read your buying Linda's book, thats a must!, ive read it too, its been a great help to me, its always in my bag with me. Keep up with the knowledge and stay safe and aware. Your not alone with this. I too am on my own but at least I am safe, live in peace and have a lovely son. Best of luck with your wonderful future. Jane
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Hi Jane!
Thank you so much for your support, insights and kind words! I am taking this all one day at a time and one baby step at a time. I am 53 years old and have had this N way of life very deeply rooted. It's only natural that we gravitate toward things and people in life that we are familiar with....we know what to expect and then how to react...and yea, how to protect ourselves. Somehow this all became a way of life for us and we instinctively survive in it.
Once we get away from the N in our life self awareness becomes key. We then have to identify and understand the depth of the damages and then become enlightened to a better path in life and higher expectations of the people in our lives. It takes years to learn about "healthy" relationships and healthy forms of give and take in life. My biggest wake up call has been people who give to me? This is my first huge challenge. I need to learn this and then not feel guilty or like a fish out of water when someone cares for and does nice things for ME. I have to accept that "the shoe is not going to drop" afterward with some huge painful slap in the face after they do give to me. I am also learning that these people who do give actually enjoy it within themselves and expect nothing in return other than to see my joy over what they've done or given. This amazes me and shocks me when people are good to me. My therapist is thrilled that I am experiencing it!
My family of orign and non-mother had their hooks in me for 42 years. I have a dissociative disorder and PTSD from it all. So during my healing and working through the trauma of my life I have to manage the symptoms of these disorders. Medications help greatly but they are not the cure.
Right now I have been away from my husband for 3 months with a restraining order. I have not even seen his face. I do keep wondering if he loved me or still loves me...I want so much to believe he does or atleast did. He is in his own world of narcissistic injury right now and we have upcoming court hearings. The hardest part for me is that I still love this man and harbor hopes for him healing or getting help and us putting this back together. I am struggling with acceptance that he won't change and the only solution is for me to run...not walk away and never see him again. This is so painful for me that I can't even explain. It's all fragmented in my head and nothing flows together or connects to each other. I have so much work ahead of myself.
Getting away from the N's in your life is only the first step. Healing must take place and with that comes alot of pain as you/I sort through the memories and try to make sense of it all. I pray to God everyday that I can do this and make it to the other side. Some days it feels impossible.
Thank you again for your response! Take care of yourself too!
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I am 64 and have known there was somehting wrong with my mother for about 20 years. before that I pretty much thought it was me. Anyway; she was a domineering narcissist and I was a Cinderella child. She remarried, long after banning any contact with my father when I was 2( my first memory is her screaming at me that I d better shut up because I d never see my father again). I was on a BPD list a few years ago and managed to separate from her for a few years but the list convinced me there was more going on and I finally got the N thing. A couple of therapists ( different cities) agreed it was most likely. My 19 year younger starlet looking sister is even more obviously N, and after my mother died 2 years ago she stole her will and instructions and every bit of jewelry she could and had her children take more. They were seen; turned their backs on me, made sure I wasn t even at the funeral and that s it for them. I am now retired after a loveless life, many missed opportunities because of anxiety, depression, terrible choices in men that led to me giving up and drinking too much which i still do. I m much calmer these days though and with no contact form the sister have resigned myself to comfort from my dog and cats and internet friends( several of whom knew me at work so are real people. I have a pension so am Ok financially and sometimes just feel I m putting in time until I die. A cousin I knew from childhood has lately been trying to spend more time with me and I m shocked to find this funny bright person can be very rude and critical in my house and as my beloved cat just died and she demanded my attention for one of her continual self inflicted crises, I said i was too upset and was surprised she hadnt realized I was hurting. She flew back by email this AM condemning my sarcasm!( thought I was pretty direct) and informing me that it wasnt a friendly cat anyway so why would she care and in future I might feel free to simply say i didnt feel like talking instead if being rude. So Ok, thanks if you ve followed me this far; my question is can she also be narcissistic? Is there a continuum? I dont think she is as bad as my criminal sister ( who does indeed steal and brags about it)but that callousness shocks me. I m inclined to cut of contact with her as well; it will be messy with the few remaining cousins in the family but i m tough enough by now (and admittedly always with that crutch of wine) to let them do what they want as long as I don t have to participate. I ve spent many years caring for others( including the monster mother) and have done my bit volunteering and just prefer being home alone reading or watching movies. Before you start on the self medicating through drink, I know. Not sure I care. What is upsetting me today is how do I know if the relationship can be salvaged or if I should close all the doors and draw up the bridge?? Thanks for any thoughts.
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Please undrstand, there is NO redeeming this relationship. Let go and find help.
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Thanks for the encouragement. I woke up this morning positive I was overreacting and should apologize, although rereading my post, that s exactly what happened and you are right. I seem to have made myself a magnet for such people; am sure I ve had more than my share but I guess my behaviour draws them, but I still dont recognize them up front. Will think about help.I ve tried a number of therapists in the past; few were really listening and they are all expensive. I went off prozac after many years and actually feel better. Maybe its time to try a person again. Thanks once more
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Read this again this morning and am stunned at how accurate it is about my mother and sister. Malevolent!Oh yes! And proud of it! And narcissistic therapists; I recall three who charged me half a week s pay for months on end and talked on and on about themselves; seemed annoyed if I had a question or comment. But: Nature as healer: 8 years ago I finally found a home beside the sea and I spend all my life in front of it in one window or another. I never tire of the water and it is very healing. So glad to have this site! Very comforting!
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I agree with this comment. I encourage you go buy this book and read it. After you get away from these relationships you will understand this disorder well enough to identify it at the getgo and avoid this type of pain in your life again. Once in this kind of relationship it gets very complicated very quickly and all the lines become so blurred that we start questioning ourselves and our own instincts.
I am reading this book now and find it so validating to what I have known. The book is helping me put a lifetime of pain and horrible memories into a better understanding in my head. I desperately needed this along with my 2 sessions of psychoanalytical therapy each week.
I have done alot of research on NP disorder and I will tell you, at every turn and every place it is consistant that the only way to deal with NP people is to get them out of your life and stay away from them. Don't walk...RUN! Then...get good professional help. Focus on healing YOU and keeping them OUT of your life for good. There is no if's, and's or but's to this. Take good care of yourself. You were not the one who was wrong here but like me you may have convinced yourself it was you so that you could survive in this environment during the time you had no other choices.
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Hi Nansie and Others!
The message is clear, that there really was nothing more we could do, but get away from the NPDS, fast before they totally destroy us, and the longer you stay, the more they do DAMAGE!!!!believe me, don't hang around hoping they will change, because before long something drastic will change in your life, and it will not be good. I'm talking SERIOUS HEALTH WARNING!!!! NARCISSISTS DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH!!!I SHOULD KNOW! THEY DAMAGED MINE,BADLY, BUT I AM GOING TO BE OK BECAUSE I GOT AWAY!!
Its so validating to have Dr Linda Martinez put this in such a precise manner,It was my mum to a tee all of it. NO! Its not our imaginations, it was not our faults! we had MONSTERS for mothers, WE ARE NOT CRAZY!!! THESE MALEVOLENT MENTALLY VIOlENT MOTHERS ARE THE CRAZY ONES! we must never let them project their mental illness on to us ever again! never! or any other NarcIssIst for that matter. life is too short and precious.
I am so glad Linda has given us a voice. I hope people will STOP turning a blind eye and make this well documented! so children can get help a lot earlier in their lives before damage and harm comes to them. it would be great if more Psychotherapists and Doctors were like Dr Linda Martinez but unfortunately their not, this NPD seems very brushed under the carpet still, but in this world of computers and technology hopefully abused children and teenagers will find these sites and learn.
Its a shame it took many of us to find the truth late in our mid lives after much damage had been done. But hey better to find out late than never, thats why its so important we CHANGE NOW! whilst we still have time. When i say change i mean be Happy, Find peace, Stay away from the Narcissist Beasts!!! and mix with Kind Normal people. BECOME SECURE!
Glad you got the book Nansie, hope your feeling better.
Jane
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Hey Jane! I love the way you get right to the point and don't mix words! haha. I am now going through a nasty divorce with my husband of 10 years and his narcissism still screams out through his lawyer! My lawyer can handle it though while he continuously bites his nose off to spite his face. It's amazing how when NP rage hits they act like children and become ruthless, mean and spiteful. There are no limits to how far they will go to take a stab at you! So I am still in the midst of getting away from him.
I have had several failed marriages and I look back now and see that I married all NP's! I guess my mother's NP really did more damage to me than even I was aware of. I am in therapy and reading Linda's book and really working on this. I think I can honestly say this will never happen to me again.
I agree with you that there needs to be more public awareness brought to NP disorder. This disorder absolutely destroys people and it's horrible. I can see in the book where children are being bred with the disorder and I think if more awareness was created parents might change their tunes a bit.
My mother had 8 children and everyone of us is damaged in one way or another. My therapist actually says that the children that are belittled and cast out are better off for it. Atleast we were able to recognize something was wrong and detach from this parent early on. This gave us half a chance at developing a sense of independant self even though we paid for it with all the abuse we were subjected to.
I went through so much of my early years of life trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I just couldn't get it right and have my mother love me and mother me. It wasn't even until recent years that I was able to finally see that it wasn't me all along. But by the time I could start to see this so much damage had been done so now I spend my years trying to heal. This is a tall order after 54 years of it. I am working on it and yes I will find normal and caring people to fill my life with from this point on.
Thanks again for your kind words.
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Hello Nansie,
Your right about the NPD rage, thats how i really get the alarm bells when i realize someone has it, its pure nasty spew, thats meant to do damage, they go for your jugular. My sister really turned nasty over the last few years, it broke my heart, i watched her turning into her Nmother,. Its a shame, i helped raise her when she was a baby, i loved her so much back then. I am much older, but she started talking down to me and said terrible things that i will never forget, especially when i was so ill,badly hurt, and at my lowest. It was shocking infact. Narcissists wicked words seem to haunt you forever don't they. I couldn't help but notice how their eyes would haze over and go kind of like dead eyes, its just creepy. Your therapist could be right, golden siblings stay trapped don't they, trapped to their Narcissist mothers apron strings for eternity ,thinking they are SPECIAL but really they are brainwashed for life, have no independent mind, losed autonomy and appease to that Narcissistic ruler of the family. Their appeasing ,lying, and grovel, grovel made me sick, They seemed to get rewarded if they ignoored me. Bro and sis were never allowed to visit me on their own without N non mar, once bro did but N mar kept ringing him on his mobile. pathetic!! If sis ever rung me ,N mar would be trying to get through on the phone her voice so angry "WHY HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE PHONE SO LONG TO HER???" i believe this is called TRIANGULATION, I could only have contact with my siblings through Narc Non Mar. YUK!!!
I spent my whole life in the dog house with them phonies, but at least when i was in it alone, i was always thinking!!! "Their not right, they are being controlled" ha ha. Yes your right us cast offs are better off without a doubt,trapped with N mar for a life time!!!thinking all thats normal is a scary way to go.
You said your five siblings all had problems, was this anger issues, mental health, dependencies, drugs, alcohol or just that thing called NPD? oh boy!!does anyone get out untouched?
It took a big bad change in my life, serious neglect and abuse from them to wake me up to their serious pathology and get away totally.
I just got to worry about my physical health now as i ended up getting my leg busted round there five years ago. I have more surgery ahead of me as the ankle was so badly damaged.
I use to suffer depression, and still have post traumatic stress disorder after this but i make sure i keep busy and happy now as i feel thats just another sad nasty projection from N mar, she was a manic depressive on Prozac and booze.. I will refuse to let her project that on to me for the rest of my life. I have hobbies and interests, im not wasting any more of my life being sad for that thing that was meant to be my mum.
Hope all goes well with the court.
Thanks for the chat on NPD's Nansie its good to have another escaped goat to talk to ha ha ,hope thats not distasteful? Stay strong your going t
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Hello Jane! So glad to see you wrote to me again! Tell me how your leg got broken if that's not to painful to talk about?
My bros and sis's (7 of them)all have mental health issues. They have alot of trouble with depression and their own NP ways! One other sister was treated horribly too but she is an NP and I can't tolerate much of her. The rest of them...6 were all pitted against her and I...we were the outcasts in the family and abused and emotionally abandoned by our NP mother. She was a force to be reckoned with too...she made it her mission in life to make those who didn't bow down to her suffer badly...and that she did to my sister and I. I can still see the twisted look in my mothers eyes as they filled with glee everytime she got to me in a spiteful manner. It took alot of years in therapy before those eyes stopped haunting me. Anyone in the family that validated and joined in with my mother's casting out of me and my sister got treated very well. But I did note over the years that they learned young to never make any demands or expectations on my mother or do anything that would turn her against them.
My mother was a very sick woman. I would hear her having arguments in the kitchen and go look and no one was there. She never did go for any help. Again...NP's rarely do.
Everything you describe about your life rings true for mine too. There are so many commonalities and amazing that someone else experienced the same things I did. When the floodgates of NP awareness finally opened for me it was huge. Then I had to face the fact that my husband was one as well. So much about our lives started falling into place and as I understood and allowed my mind to accept this reality I filed for divorce knowing this marriage cannot be.
Since filing for divorce and getting a restraining order as a result of his violent behavior he has been viscious. He is trying to hurt me through my children, our friends and a man I am dating. He will stop at nothing to unleash his NP rage on me. He can't make contact of any kind with me so he is going in round about directions to get to me. It never ceases to amaze me, or my therapist either, the lengths a narcissist will go to when they have been slighted or exposed in life. I believe a narcissists biggest fear in life is to be exposed for the true demon that they are. My only solace is knowing this man will never be in my life again and my lawyer will expose him to a judge for his lies and cruel ways. Then the judge can order settlement according to what HE/SHE thinks is fair. Narcissists do not like fair in life...fairness to them is 80% for me and 20% for you. When NP's are angry/raging they are so determined to take vengence that they don't cover their tracks well. They tend to bite off their noses to spite their face. This is my experience with my ex anyway.
Take care Jane and thank you again for writing!
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Hi Nansie,
OH boy where do i begin? I feel scared about how much Ive been writing lately on my comments, i fear my N family still, but part of me wants the world to know what an N family is like, i mean really what its like to survive,barely. No matter how horrific they have been, they think their normal and i am crazy
Five years ago they were all drinking heavily, my N mum had taken prescription drugs and alcohol.N brother and his girlfriend, N sister and her N husband,were there, dad went to bed. N mum started play wrestling with drunken N brother in law. I was dancing away from them as music was on and it was a family gathering that i had to put up with from time to time.Drink was always flowing guess if you drink it made visit more bearable, but unfortunately vulnerable too. It felt like .... grabbed my leg, it got trapped, and then the last thing i remember was N mum jumping on me with Black eyes screaming oh No as there was a massive bang! my leg snapped in half i fell to the floor. Ambulance was called , and guess what, had to go in it alone with bro's girlfriend at time, i barely knew her.Can you believe N mum, sis or bro didn't come?????
N mum said to my son in next room, mum just sprained her leg.My son was horrified. N mum didn't wake my father, she just went to bed and slept like a baby. How dysfunctional it all is????? N bro, sis, n bro in law went to bed too.My son wanted to come but they wouldn't let him. Dad even got up for work next day and no one still told him, until he got home that night. I spent the night in hospital alone and had Emergency Surgery on my mangled leg. I did not sleep. worse night of my life.
I was in hospital for one week, in plaster for half a year, disabled for one year, and to add salt, they sent me to conventry,the good old faithful dog house, didn't help me, or ask how i was doing once. It was never mentioned again. They all say i fell to the carpet. They would all N rage if i ever tried to ask questions on phone.
I'm still having surgery, had op just about 3 weeks ago. I have a damaged cartilage in ankle and will need ankle replacement in near future. It terrifies me, they have ruined my life, but i am finding ways to cope and change my path. I'm staying strong for my son.
Feel weird spilling some details out about this, but why should people not know how bad the denial and abuse gets in these familys. I hope i can come to terms and make something more of myself one day. I am taking lots of exams and studying. My N sis worries me as she turned real venomous and has totally ignored me inviting Nfamily over her new big house overseas and not myself. Wouldn't go anyway!! She knows lawyers etc its all quite creepy. They tried to get my son over there but he would never leave me for them. They will never get him. Its destroyed my N mum n dad they lost grandson, but please!!! my son has been raised Secure Attachment and thats how he will stay. He is not NPDlikethe
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Jane I am so sorry you experienced this horrific act of abuse in your life. I am also astounded that none of them cared enough to come to your aid or help take care of you during this all. Very very wrong of them I an can hear your anger and good for you for allowing yourself to go there. I know how threatening it can be to allow yourself to feel your true feelings about your family. None of us deserved what we got by these people and I think at this time in our lives it's okay to feel the anger and dismiss them from our lives entirely. AND good for you for protecting your son from them all. You are not denying anyone anything...you are protecting your son as a good mother should. I too protected my kids from my family.
I know what you mean about these physical injuries and how the NP's just turn away like it's no big deal and they abandon you. I was 5 years old and my mother knew I was being sexually molested by a relative and chose to look the other way instead of creating a family crisis over it. I was totally dispensable but no family uproar should ever happen. I was the scapegoat and therefore sacrificed and she looked the other way. I cannot get over this feeling of that kind of abandonment. It has stayed with me forever and I can't seem to sooth it with therapy. It's a horrible feeling as at the time (5 years old) I was certain I was going to die one of those nights I went to sleep. I literally felt I was knocking on death's door. No one was there for me on this. I continued on in life like it never happened and never knew why or if this was normal and happened to everyone. I did know enough though to not tell anyone. This is just one period of my life where my mother's emotional abandonment of me cost me emotionally. It went on and on over the years with other things and her hateful spiteful attitude towards me was always in the forefront of everything. My brothers and sisters were young too and they grew up thinking this was how I was supposed to be treated because I had obviously done something horrible somewhere to my mother for her to treat me like that.
I got alway from all of them about 7 years ago. I've had lots of therapy and I have make progress but I do think I will be carrying this pain with me for the rest of my life.
Take good care and yes...people should know about what happens in these kinds of family...thank you!
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Hi Nansie,
Thank you for your reply on that rather heavy writing of mine. To many people find it shocking and don't believe it really, they turn a blind eye, and your forced to brush under that stinking old carpet. Much of society cannot believe your talking like this about your mother and society just don't like it im afraid.
But if we keep it secret and let the parents be justified it will carry on, more and more children will be scapegoated and totally abused,just like we were. When society ignore it the child is being invalidated and abused all over again.
I am angry!! your right but its totally directed at my N mother and N pseudo family and no one else, unlike narcissists. Ive only just started letting my anger out regarding their neglect and abuse. Ive been in shock and mourning of coming to the realization of never having a mother and letting her have access to my adult life,far too much of it.
Im so sorry to hear you suffered sexual abuse at only five yrs old. It doesn't surprise me your mother allowed it and made no fuss. Your mother has NPD, its a serious pathological disorder as you know. Your mother is very very damaged!!! and was unable to ever be her real self. She too may have had this abusive childhood but she chose the unconscious path. Those who repress and never become aware and idolize their aggressor are the ones who tend to repeat the cycle of abuse and become themselves Narcissistic. Remember they have NO CONSCIENCE, THEY DONT CARE, THEY DONT FEEL, they can only pretend in small doses at a time.
I don't think you should ever expect yourself to forget this abuse it will always be part of your life but you can learn to live with it and mother yourself (take care of yourself) You are resilient, you have survived and prevailed.
You have done the right thing cutting of from your N family and protecting your children. You can live and breath in peace. You have that right.
I am reading some more books now, ive just read drama of the gifted child by Alice Miller, Linda quoted her a lot in her book. Ive also bought "the body never lies" too. I'm finding reading and constantly learning more relives the mental pain.
You are 100% correct, the scapegoated child does seem to be the Narcissistic families sacrifice. All their pent up aggression and shame, aimed at the wrong family member.They really are the devil.omg!
I hope its going ok with your court case on ex N husband. Stay safe.
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Sorry i made a mistake, it was "will i ever be good enough" by karly McBride . Healing daughters of Narcissists,that quoted Alice Miller "Traumata stored in the brain but denied by our conscious minds will always be visited on the next generation".
I found this book very helpful and feel its best to keep reading and getting as much knowledge as possible.
However i must point out that i found Linda Martinez Lewis book had much more clarity and information on NPD. Linda really has nailed every facet of this vile disorder and its origin. Through Linda's book and work i realized my non mothers is of the worst insidious kind. Sadistic and beyond repair. She made the deal with the devil. Gave me the courage to walk away and be safe. Also to say "Non Mother" a mother in name only.
Also Nansie i really do know how you felt at age 5. Hope you use your intuition there. Take care
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Wow Jane the stuff you write is great! Thank you!
You are so right about people not wanting to hear or know about these real tragedies that happen in life behind closed doors. I think it is more than many people want to comprehend when they hear that it is possible for a child to hate their parent and have to remove them from their life in order to survive. So many don't want to know about things like this in life. If I had had the choice I wouldn't want to know about it either.
The books you mention are very good books. I did read the Alice Miller book at my therapists suggestion and then I started a couple of others that triggered me so badly that I had to put them down for a while. I still have repressed memories that maybe I'll never remember. I pray that I have minimized the fallout on my children.
Jane you talk of the shock and loss that happens when you finally face or accept the facts about your NP family. The mourning..I can so identify with because I went through this pain for years. Since these people were all we had for a family we did love them. We wanted them to love us. The pain that comes with the acceptance that in order to survive we must give up all contact. When I did this I mourned for atleast a year. It was gut-wrenching pain like I have never known. I still can describe the feelings I have and put them into words. My therapist is helping me. It is so hard to visit the time when I was that little girl around 5 or 6 and go back and re-experience the pain and weight my little shoulders carried. It was even greater than I, as an adult, want to feel.
Is it after all this pain and sadness the anger comes? I have not been able to get really angry at my family yet. It is so hard for me to get mad at my brothers and sisters for the way they treated me when i know they were taught to think and act this way toward me. They had to take that role on too or they'd have risked being cast out by my mother like I was. They really had no choice in life either. But still I cannot go near them because they are still in this role even though my mother has passed away. They continue the legacy and I must keep myself safe while I continue sorting through it all.
Everything you said is so famliar to me and I can connect with. It is so amazing to converse with people who have traveled this same road to hell and back. You are right NP's are demons and I agree with you completely on this. As for my soon to be ex he is still NP in every way. I don't know how this will all turn out but I hold true to the faith that the road I have gotten on here will be better than where I've been. This keeps me going forward and gets me through each day. I've never known life without a narcissist owning me. I am sure this will be interesting. Thanks again for all your support and insights!!
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Hello Nansie,
How are you? Hope your ok. Im still writing in the odd comment and i see you are, isn't it great, we can have discussions and talk to other people who have experienced similar life styles with these dreadful NPD's. It helps so much doesn't it. I read Dr Linda's posts every day, they are just great and so true its uncanny isn't it. I don't feel alone with it anymore.
Im glad you can identify similar things in my N family constellation to yours, we can help each other and others on here. You sound like a very caring empathic person giving poor other tortured souls good advice.
When we spoke of Repressed Memories and that you said you still possess some, im with you there, i can hardly remember my childhood, i have vivid bits but i cant really remember my Nmum in them much, apart from grumpiness and mean.
You said you hope you minimized the fall out on your own children. Well Nansie to me you sound like a person who CARES and FEELS, I'm sure your a great mum. I hope you have a good relationship with yours kids, how old are they? It was never going to be easy was it, after childhood and adulthood with the NPD mother stalking our souls. Im sure your kids will see a happier you, now that your having therapy and finding out so much knowledge, and perhaps if they are old enough talk about whats happened in your life with this awful Npd's thats been so much part of you life up until now, BUT NOT ANYMORE!
I always talk to my son, he is a grown man now, but we always communicate and discuss issues and he now has plenty of knowledge on NPD. He had to fight the battle with me. I sometimes worry has he seen to much nastiness from "them" back in the day,. His doing well now though. WE are spending more quality time together since we stopped racing to their bec and call before the BIG Nfamily split. Life is getting sooo much better without "them" Jane
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Jane! Wonderful to hear from you! Glad you are doing well. I am doing okay too. haha...as good as it gets for now anyway. I read these posts everyday too and they bring so much comfort and then hit so close to home...it's almost like she is writing about me!
I enjoy sharing what I have learned so far and if it can bring others comfort it pleases me. Knowing I can offer something to someone else on this difficult road to recovery actually helps me to feel better about my own healing efforts.
I will tell you these repressed memories may never come back. They may always stay hidden in the back of my mind to keep me protected from that pain. I will accept it if that's what must be. My therapist says we don't have to remember everything in order to go forward and heal. I did alot of compartmentalizing in my mind in order to survive.
I try hard to educate my kids on this stuff. My son is 24 and graduated college last June and my daughter is 22 and graduates nursing school this June. Yes they are adults and at times they tell me I act like a therapist..lol. I seriously don't try but I want so much to give them tools to work with in life and encourage them not to be afraid to look within. I always pray I am a good Mum because these two kids are my greatest gift in life and every ounce of pain and suffering was worth it to find them and experience this in my life. I am trying to get them to read Linda's book as I do agree with her on the pervasiveness of NP in life now. These people can do so much damage before we even discover who and what they are about.
I have such a hard time with the fact that I still love my NP husband even though we have been apart for 6 months now. We have had no contact due to a restraining order. I know I can never be with him again and accept this but I must come to some resolve within over this love I still carry. My heart is so broken for all that I believed in that really wasn't that way at all. I feel almost like I lived a dream for 13 years as very little of it was sincere and not an act he put on.
I am so glad you talk to your son like you do. It helps you recover as well as educate him. Making sense of it all is very tough. My kids saw some of the nastiness too but for the most part I protected them from it. They still have some memories of it though. This is part of life. There are many other disordered people out there in the world that they will come accrossed during their adventure called life. Education is key in these things and they can't control the world and the people in it but their power does lie within with what they chose to do about it and how to react.
I am hoping at some point Linda will write in detail about the coping mechanisms children with NP parents develop in order to survive, what they evolve into and the lifelong impacts these mechanisms have for the long haul. I know many of us didn't get a clue until we were older and so beaten down from it all. Thank you again for writing!
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Hello Nansie,
I agree with everything you have said in all your comments,we have lots in common. Your comments are great and you are starting to sound like a therapist, your kids are right there. You have come a long way, it seems you have a very good therapist and having therapy twice a week is great, you must have built a trusting relationship there. Having all this life saving knowledge from Dr Linda every other day too is just amazing, all this help, is wonderful.
I am so pleased you have a great relationship with your kids, well adults now, you must have done a wonderful job as a mother, they are doing well and you say "they are your greatest gifts in life." We have prevailed over our N mothers for experiencing our own children as our greatest gifts in life and the best thing that ever happened to us. I wonder if our N mothers could have said the same???
Nansie you talk about the coping mechanisms children develop in order to survive, well I noticed you said you developed dissociative disorder. Do you still suffer?, what happens exactly? I think this was obviously how you coped as a child just so you could survive childhood. You should be able to free yourself now because that vile tormenting life situation no longer exists. Now you are free from Npds do you think your
symptoms are subsiding?
I see you have left reply comments to mine on the other posts here, you were right about the EXTREME Craziness,and more exaggerated illness talk of other family members, when going NO CONTACT I am getting it already, i am ignoring it. I will stay safe and stick to my guns. Life is too good now and getting calmer the longer the Npd FOILE FAMILY are out of it.
Linda has left more fantastic posting today that really rings true again.
I want to leave more comments on all of but do not want to overload this site lol,I may look like an egoistic N lol.
I use to suffer terrible panic attacks which started at precisely age 12. Since i started to study psychology, have therapy, read books, and to find this amazing, validating, caring, most helpful website of Dr Linda's my mental health is so much better. Im sure yours will ease soon Nansie, its good to talk to you, Jane.
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Hello Jane! Always great to hear from you! At first when I got away from my NP controlled family (some of them are NP's themselves but all were controlled by my NP mother)I had to just ignore and focus on not having any contact and getting used to this. It took a while before I could then get to the next step of recognizing and understanding the system that drove me away and hurt me so badly over the years. My first objective though was to focus on the break and this took me almost a year. Little by little I could then take a look at it all and begin to understand some of it. I am still sorting through it.
At a very young age I became the family scapegoat. I was my Dad's pet because I think he felt sorry for me and he knew what it was like to be at the recieving end of my mother's relentless attacks and ostrasizing. During a very young age before 5 I was being molested by a family member and my mother looked the other way. She had an attitude that "this is what happens to little girls who don't "love" their mothers". To her loving her was worshipping her and never having an independent thought from her. It was during the abuse that I must have learned to dissociate and yes I still do it in times of severe stress in my life.
I learned to separate and compartmentalize my emotions so that none of them could combine with each other. Each of my emotions were so intense that I had to seperate them in order to cope with them one at a time. I still do this at times when I am overwhelmed by one particular emotion and I don't let any other emotion occur because I would be in overload and couldn't cope. There are times when I lose time and don't remember things clearly. It's like I live my life in a dream state sometimes and everything feels surreal like I live in another dimension and am watching the world around me. Like I am not a real part of it. It's hard to explain other than like in some movies where we see ghosts playing a role but they can't interact with the people that are alive. I have never acted out...hurt anyone nor can anyone notice when this is happening within me. The change of my emotions is seamless to anyone around me. Nothing drastic happens other than part of me retreats very deep inside me while I still continue on in the routine of the day or week. I know this sounds crazy and it is. This was the only thing available to me as a young child to protect and save myself from the horrors of my childhood. I still have repressed memories and my diagnosis is PTSD that ranges high on the scale. I am still learning about this and can't really offer you more than this outline of it but I know it protects me and saves me during times of severe stress and keeps life in a state of flow with some kind of routine and normalcy in appearance. I fear my journey to healing and recovery has only begun and will be lifelong for me.
Again...thanks for writing to me and it's so empowering to read your posts!
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Hi Nansie
Having integrity means the mind is complete and undivided, an unimpaired condition. Dr Linda Martinez states a lot that being independent and psychologically individuated from our pathological N non mothers is so important!! (which we are, thank god) we get to maintain our integrity. Our minds are intact, no loss with reality, as NPD's so clearly are.
Dissociation which started in your childhood would have been your ego defense mechanism protecting you from your N family, especially after that tender age of 5 years old and the trauma you suffered.
You do not sound crazy at all, but your N mother certainly did. In fact I can identify with you, at the time of my horrendous accident this surreal dissociation happened to me. I still do sometimes feel dissociated in this world. Its what comes from being isolated, lonely, and constantly being made to feel like we do not exist. This is all normal feelings any poor soul would feel in the presence of a Narcissist for years on end (esp scapegoated soul) Your feelings are very common, just read other peoples comments on this website, its always the same LONELINESS, ISOLATION, & FEELING INSIGNIFICANT. You said that you feel like sometimes you live your life in a dream state and everything is surreal, you feel like a ghost. This sounds like those feelings of isolation and loneliness from your childhood. You are no longer alone with this, as you now know many others have suffered this.
But it was not a dream! it was all very real! Your adult conscious mind knows this now. We are not imagining it! Were the NPD's in our lives really that bad??? YES! THEY REALLY WERE, AND ARE THAT BAD!! Dr Linda's posts make us realize we are correct! ITS REAL! WAKE UP! wake up to NARCISSIST ABUSE!, we have actually been dealing with sociopaths here, as Linda is telling us. We can overcome this. Jane
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Hi Jane!!
Believing it was a dream protects me at times from dealing with how tragic and shocking it all was while I was growing up. So denial does serve it's purpose at times. As I gain strength I can accept more and more of what happened. Such a tragic life for a child...we as children lived with more problems then most adults carry...the seriousness of it all and the pain of a lifetime. I know this is choppy writting but for now the best I can do.
Linda's most recent post really hit home for me where she talks about how we continue the abuse by marrying an NP spouse because this is what we know. I know nothing else about life so I am really on a new road here and feeling like a fish out of water. I know in my heart it is a better road...it's just that none of it is familiar or comfortable for me yet...WE WILL overcome this Jane...we both will and thank you again for writing!
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Hi Nansie
Your writing was not choppy, lol i really understand where your coming from because i have been there and still am. It is all shocking and too much to bear sometimes, no wonder we have lived with a bit of denial and hid it in the depths of our unconscious minds. When i think of what i am saying about my N family still makes me feel guilty when i think of my poor father, but i tried everything possible all my life and nothing worked, look where ive ended up, physically and mentally so hurt. It is too much to face up too but we have to Nansie,or we will end up at square 1 again. look at the appalling truths, they can not be denied NO MORE! (especially when you was a little innocent girl Nansie]
When you say you kept your ego defenses to yourself, the chaos in your head and the conferences going on in it, i too use to do this and still do, but its easing now, with all this therapy and knowledge. You were right about keeping your ego defenses to yourself and not letting the Narcissists know or else they annihilate and have power over you, I again totally agree and I felt this way all my life with N family, I would never let them know what was going on in my mind. I remember when N mother read my diary at age 16, I knew she had as the back bone of the book was ripped and rifled threw, my little secret procession and thoughts had been exposed to her. She came bombing in my room and went totally Berserk!!!!!, I will never forget it. But she certainly had power of me after that incident. It was as if she went into my mind and even invaded my personal thoughts and ego defense mechanisms against her.
I admire you for talking about your feelings on here, people should be made aware of what having a N mother does to a persons life and mind.
Your getting stronger now, and there will never be any more delusions and going round in circles again, e.g N partners.
I enjoy writing and having these discussions on Narcissists it does get rid of the knots, in your mind Linda is not wrong there. It is great to converse our stories about the Narcissists in our lives (Were in,but not anymore)
I do still worry who may read, but i doubt very much the N family would read this, they have no hold on me any more, I have nothing to loose, only "them" and that is good with me.
Jane
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Hey Jane! Thanks for writing again. I agree completely with you that people need to gain awareness regarding the damages done to children by an N parent. It's really tragic but the time this child reaches an age when they can gain awareness and get away. I would have to gamble that many don't and it is pure lack of education in this subject. It took me 40 years before I finally could lose enough guilt to admit to myself that my mother was wrong and that something was terribly wrong with her and it wasn't all me. By that time so much damage has been done that my life now revolves around healing and then trying to find a new sense of normalcy for myself. My accomplishments...dreams and hopes were all shattered along the way and I am now 54 and still working on it all. I don't know about you Jane, but I look back over the years and at all I wanted to be and had hoped for and it's very sad to me. So much lost along the way and so much compromised in hopes of finally being accepted and loved by my N mother.
You and I are getting better! We have come to a place now where WE rule our lives and not some cruel person's manipulations of us. They really don't have any holds over us anymore do they? I'd rather find this all late in life then to never have found it at all!
Nansie
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As an invisible daughter to my narcissistic mother, I applaud your blog! I was happy to see you were a Ph.D. Always looking for information on helping other invisible daughters. Growing up, I thought my emotional freedom would come at the time of her death. When the "old bat" finally died at the age of 93, I found I was right. However, I was doing the therapy all along and I discovered I just wouldn't LET myself own the freedom until she died. That is the only thing I would do over again....give myself permission to run away from home and cross the streets.
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Hi I just want to thank you for this post. All the articles on this blog are so
Good and say the truth yet end on an empowering note. The commentators here
Are so brave to share their stories and to go to therapy - so inspiring, thank
You! As I read, I suddenly got intense tummy pains. My journey is just beginning.
There is very little truth in my family, especially from my mother. Those who are
Willing to go after truth no matter how painful are so brave! Thank you!!
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