Covert Narcissists---Wearing the Martyr's Mask
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There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays the martyr role so convincingly that most people believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of his extreme self sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist's well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being. I have been in communication with victims of covert narcissists who tell similar stories. Their spouse is looked up to by others as someone who always thinks of others before himself. This is the public persona. He is known for his good deeds through a church or organization that helps those in need. (There are people of truly fine characters who are not narcissists who devote themselves to those who are suffering or need special help or care. I am not speaking about this here.) The martyred covert narcissist makes sure that he/she is seen as indispensable in this role. Members of his group provide him with the narcissistic supply of adulation. I have heard a number of times that these narcissists will abandon their responsibilities to their families in order to perform their "duties" .
Of course when the covert narcissist is unseen by others and inside the privacy of his home---everything changes: his facial expressions, the tone of his voice, his attitude. He is demanding, demeaning, cruel, verbally abusive and is a master at imposing guilt on family members. He accuses them of being selfish and lazy. He doesn't want anyone to have a good time. Even laughter and levity are forbidden. Wives and children get the brunt of this upside down version of "goodness." Once this mask is removed the psychological ugliness is fully exposed and activated.
No one believes the spouses and children who live with covert narcissists and how abusive and disturbed they truly are. At home they are accusatory, blaming, have fits of fury and are often menacing if disbeyed. Some spouses decide that they can no longer tolerate this dreadful charade and sever this non-relationship for themselves and their children. This is not easy because the covert martyr narcissist has made a tremendous reputation for himself and many who follow him believe that there is something seriously wrong with a spouse who would leave such a "good person."
What matters is the truth and the quality of your life. If others don't believe you, they are deluded. Take the reins in your hands. Truth is powerful. You are entitled to lead a life that is genuine and unobstructed by verbal abuse, toxic projections and false accusations. You deserve inner peace and your continued growth as an individual on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 12/28/2011 11:08 AM 
Categories: married to a narcissist, mental health, narcissistic wife, narcissistic fathers, covert narcissists, self help. mental health, narcissistic mother, narcississtic personality, narcissist, narcissistic personality, narcissistic husband, abusive relationships, divorcing your narcissist, interpersonal relationships., narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, married to narcissist, narcissistic rage, family relationships, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic family
Tags: covert narcissist wears a holyy mask martyred covert narcissist psychological ugliness covert narcissist menacing covert narcissist
Categories: married to a narcissist, mental health, narcissistic wife, narcissistic fathers, covert narcissists, self help. mental health, narcissistic mother, narcississtic personality, narcissist, narcissistic personality, narcissistic husband, abusive relationships, divorcing your narcissist, interpersonal relationships., narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, married to narcissist, narcissistic rage, family relationships, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic family
Tags: covert narcissist wears a holyy mask martyred covert narcissist psychological ugliness covert narcissist menacing covert narcissist
In my case it is my sister who has gone to great lengths to convince others she is a loving, humble person serving humanity through a religous group. Many of our mutual friends and relatives are being duped by her into believing she really cares and has empathy for the disadvantaged. But scratch the surface of this elaborate image she has created and you will find an abusive control freak with absolutely no empathy or any real understanding of how people suffer at all. Her own family has suffered long and hard while she explores her "spirituality" and are treated with contempt behind closed doors. I have finally found the strength to go no contact after many years of soul searching on my part and hoping to find some sort of relationship with her. It has been the best decision for me even though I hardly see extended family anymore. Regularly reading these blogs have been the catalyst for finding that strength. Thankyou Linda.
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This was my Mom while I was growing up. She didn't quite have the public persona to such a grandiose level, but she definitely had her areas of public service in our church. At home she was a rageaholic. At times she would be in a massive rage & the phone would ring. She would have a look on her face like a snarling animal, then pick up the phone & her voice would change to a sickening saccharine dripping voice. I called her on it once & she said that the people who were calling didn't need to be subjected to her anger......but apparently I did! At age 45, I am just now realizing that my mother was the narcissist that did the most damage to me. My father was also a narc, but more of the classic type. My mother is the "craver, rager, martyr" covert type of narc. I have always focused on my father's narcissism & the effect it had on me as a teenaged girl. (everything was wonderful with him while I was a young child, until I got to be an age where I failed to supply him any longer). I was shocked when I read a list of symptoms of people raised by narc's & realized that I had all the symptoms & that they all resulted from my mother & not my father as much.
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