Staying with Your Narcissistic Spouse---Running on Empty
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Those who are married to or living with a narcissistic personality are psychologically compromised if not imperiled. Your life no longer belongs to you. Your private thoughts are constantly interrupted by the delusional noise, the tantrums, accusations and ill will of the narcissistic partner. If he/she is in a bad mood you will get the brunt of his cruel projections. He is in constant denial about reality. He insists you view everything from his distorted perspective--how you lead your life, where you live, how much psychological freedom you have, even the activities of your days and nights can be dictated by a narcissistic spouse. It is remarkable that they appear to get away with being among the cruelest, insensitive human beings on the face of the earth. Once. they walk outside wearing their highly convincing mask they are greeted like heroes--a person who can do no wrong, who is lauded by his professional colleagues, respected by the community, lionized by his adoring inner circle. What happens in private is totally different---and appalling. Once he enters his abode, the narcissist changes his tune. He is no longer singing;he is screaming, barking out demands, making accusations, non-stop criticisms, projecting venomous unconscious material from deep inside of him on to you. You have absolutely no peace, even when you are asleep at night. You lie there and frequently awaken and wonder if you can tolerate another day of this hellish nightmare. Many spouses of narcissistic keep taking this abuse year after year, decade after decade. They become more weary, doubt themselves more, swallow the rage that is caught in their throats, stifle tears that demand to pour, question if they are good enough. This is a dizzying merry go round type of living. The spouse is caught in the narcissist's delusion and doesn't understand that she is entitled to break free and get out. She sees no options of escape or the promise of a different life.
There are instances when the non-narcissistic spouse has a health crisis, or an incident occurs in which the narcissist has lost his temper once too many times and become very frightening and menacing. This is a crisis point when the spouse can see the narcissist clearly for whom he really is. At this point she asks herself:"Do I want to continue living this way?" "My spouse is not going to change , in fact he is getting worse- colder, crueler, more dismissive--" At some point the injured spouse decides that she will sever her life from the narcissist. Often these spouses make plans in advance of the actual separation so that they can get out with out major ugly scenes and engagements with this volcanic personality. Many of these spouse report the relief they feel---they can breathe and think and dream once more. The route toward final separation can be tough but with a strong support system and some professional help if needed, this renewal of their lives does happen. They are now evolving fully, using all of their potential. They are blooming and moving forward creatively at the same time that they have found peace inside for the first time in their lives. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 12/7/2011 1:44 PM 
Categories: married to narcissist, mental health, narcissistic spouse, narcissistic rage, narcissistic personality, family relationships, interpersonal relationships, self help. mental health, narcissistic partner, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, abusive relationships, narcissistic husband, narcissistic fathers, married to a narcissist
Tags: cruel projections of narcissist on to spouse married to narcissist your life no longer belongs to you married to narcissist you have no peace narcissist intimidates spouse
Categories: married to narcissist, mental health, narcissistic spouse, narcissistic rage, narcissistic personality, family relationships, interpersonal relationships, self help. mental health, narcissistic partner, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, abusive relationships, narcissistic husband, narcissistic fathers, married to a narcissist
Tags: cruel projections of narcissist on to spouse married to narcissist your life no longer belongs to you married to narcissist you have no peace narcissist intimidates spouse
My very close friend has been dating a narcissist for 15yrs. I have been warning her about him for 2years. She moved in with him last year. For the past year as she tells me of his controlling obssesive behavior I confront her about the total control he seeks. She would challenge me saying I am just jealous and envy him. A month ago I went online to read about abusive relationships. I was in tears reading the material because it was so real in regards to the evil she was involved in. I gave her some printed material. She requested it and read it to him. She said he laughed at her and replied she is the controlling one. Well this past weekend I believe he beat her and now she is depressed and confused. Will only talk to me briefly but still going back to the house where they live. She is a diabetic and her blood sugar levels are dangerously high. I fear for her life. Right now I have said all
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i have recently separated (3 months) from my husband who is severely narcissistic. This post describes exactly his behavior and exactly how I am feeling now.
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Helping a friend that is in an abusive relationship means listening to their confusion and respecting that they are attempting to make sense of their experience.
The early stages of emotional abuse are difficult to comprehend for anyone especially those experiencing first hand. Only untill behaviors are repeated and one experience over and over again the same responses can one begin to detect a pattern and this can take years before a victim realizes they are living in an cycle of abuse. Excuses and compensation for the others behavior, always attempting to find reasonable cause. As a friend your, position must be to provide a safe place of refuge where there is no judgement allowing for open expression of emotions and quietly asking how the other is feeling.
Embracing anothers life struggle and compassionately consoleing them provides a sharpe contrast of a genuine loving relationship against the cold and harsh emotionally disturbing abusive relationship.
Only until a friend begins to feel that the abusive relationship is causing them harm will they listen to reason in fact they will strongly defend their abuser.
Maintaining a frienship with another that is tied to a narcissist means that, although your friend may not yet view events and circumstances as being abusive, your persistant responds towards their wellbeing will over time provide for them a contrasting outside perspective that remains consistant and convincing when the perfect image of their narcissist begins to crumble.
Staying ever present for a friend means that they are never completely isolated and unable to have moments outside the narcissists control.In these moments they will begin to evaluate the difference in their emotional states through comfort levels, not having to be cautious and tense while with someone who is loving and caring.
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This advise to friends is excellent. I had many friends who found my husband too difficult to tolerate and my blindness to his abuse frustrating. I came to the realization on my own...not by someone else telling me. Yes, it took 12 years but now I am freeing myself from him with no reason to look back and question.
We need our friends to hang in with us until we are ready to make that decision.
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Only someone that has experienced the duality of a narcissist's public and private character can truly understand the confusion that causes a victim to remain, torrmented and emotionally drained year after year.
Helping another is part of your recovery process as you will begin to understand your own personal and difficult past by helping another through their present struggle. Each time you reach out to listen and provide patience and care towards another,you strengthen and repair yourself.
Every emotionally abused victim understands and shares similarities of experience, the only difference is in the degree of their narcissistic controlling and demeaning abuse.
As we each recover we are able to identify these same signs in another and are best able to provide support to them until they are ready to begin to plan their exit and eventually leave their emotionally abusive narcissist.
Use your past experience wisely as you start your wonderful personal journey towards recovery!
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