Covert narcissists are convincing pretenders. They play the part of the
"good person." They fool almost everyone.---even professional
therapists. They are a sly lot; They walk around being so "helpful and
indispensable" to members of their family, friends, business associates.
Most people are sure that they are individuals of high character, above
reproach.
If you have a sibling who is a covert narcissist you have been
emotionally hurt many times without understanding why. Some humiliated
siblings blame themselves and feel inferior and worthless. The covert
narcissistic sibling plays a back and forth game---rushing in the be
your best friend and confidante one moment--someone you can trust
completely--- to tearing your down with the cruelest words and
humiliations. They lash out at you, mercilessly. You think you
understand your brother or sister. You don't until you study and
comprehend the inner workings of the narcissistic personality disorder.
In the worst cases one of the parents takes sides with the covert
narcissist in complete ignorance of his/her child's true dark nature.
The covert narcissist is talented at making others feel good about
themselves when they want something from you. They are known to be
giving and caring by business associates and social acquaintances.
When we talk about family dynamics the picture is the reverse.The covert
narcissistic sibling is always competing with you to win at any cost.
As he/she pretends to care deeply about you, he does everything he can
to tear you down. When you are at your lowest ebb and let down that you
are having a miserable time---that's when these clever vipers strike the
hardest to break you. They have caught you off guard, know that you are
weak and desperate and have come in to orchestrate their
psychologically fatal blow. This coup d'grace demonstrates to them that
they have defeated you for good. You may have held a high place in the
family before but now you are a loser, a weakened, diminished version of
yourself. They bask in getting the better of you. Always remember this
when they turn on the perfected pseudo empathy and words of "deep
concern" about your condition.
Learn to stop the cycle of this sadistic game. The covert narcissistic
sibling will continue to trick, terrorize and wear you down to ultimate
desperation.---to get their pound of flesh. Since they are not going to
stop their attacks or their highly pathological behaviors, you are the
one to change your attitude and behavior toward them. First, recognize
that you are the sibling of a severe personality disorder that is not
going to change. This person is not a good candidate for psychotherapy
because beneath the false modesty and pseudo humility is an individual
who feels superior to you and every one else. This is a narcissistic
personality disorder wearing a very convincing facade. Once you
understand this, you will be relieved and stop trying to change them or
blame yourself. Practice self assertion. Do not let your sibling
trespass your personal boundaries. You deserve respect. In many cases
grown siblings make a decision to have limited contact with the
narcissistic brother or sister. In some instances the non-narcissistic
sibling decides to sever the relationship and move forward with his/her
life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my
website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Covert Narcissistic Siblings Pull You Down and Feel Superior
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 10/28/2011 5:01 PM 
Categories: mental health, narcissistic sister, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic personality, personality disorders, family relationships, covert narcissists, self help. mental health, narcissism, narcissistic siblings, concealed narcissist, interpersonal relatationships, abusive relationships
Tags: covert narcissists fool everyone crulety of covert narcissists covert narcissist pretends to be good covert narcissist hits you when you are down
Categories: mental health, narcissistic sister, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic personality, personality disorders, family relationships, covert narcissists, self help. mental health, narcissism, narcissistic siblings, concealed narcissist, interpersonal relatationships, abusive relationships
Tags: covert narcissists fool everyone crulety of covert narcissists covert narcissist pretends to be good covert narcissist hits you when you are down
It staggers my heart to think what my other 3 children have suffered at the hands of their oldest sibling and how blind I was for so long to their plight. The CN would say and do things to make the others seem in the wrong and they never were.
I'm in the process of making holiday plans with the 3 that are sane and asking them what they want the holidays to look like. The CN will be told when they can come over and the others will decide if they want to be there or not. It will not be the Christmas or birthday they've always known but I hope it'll be a better holiday for the others than they have ever known because the CN has been outed, the elephant in the room has been addressed and the CN has lost their hold over this family.
My husband and I continue our recovery with our accountability partners and sponsors at our recovery group. I'm just glad to know I'm not crazy, mean, or uncaring. The CN was the only one that accused me of these things. The others have loved and forgiven me of so much when I was lost in the CN's web of lies and deceit. I am grateful for the others forgiveness and the restoration of our relationship.
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I'm very thankful for these blogs. They are masters at the push/pull game. They build you up and then tear you down. They choose times when you are the most vulnerable to come in as a savior. In my case, I never gave them a reason to look down on me until I hit very hard times and foolishly turned to the people least able to give me compassion. My older brother is a CN and my younger sister is a CN. I don't know about my youngest brother. My sister has children and used EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL with her kids. She has my Mom and Dad shaking in their boots to please her. Since I will not bow down, I have to forfeit my relationships with my neices and nephews. My older Brother (the Golden Child) has my Mom's ear and blind devotion. I really got ripped off in the family department. I'm virtually alone.
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I too had to severe ties with my entire family. My older brother and younger sister are psycopathic and narcissistic respectively. Narcissism runs in the family and my brother may have been merely narcissistic if he had been raised in a better environment. The above synopsis describes with eery familiarity exactly what led me to have to end things with my family for good. I have given up my relationship with neices nephews and all extended family for soon to be fourteen years. I feel that I am finally able start looking at the causes and the illnesses- which in a way is freedom. My brother married a narcissistic woman who was able to help him give the outward appearance of normalcy- even super yuppie coupledom (when yuppiedom was still relevant). When the very ambitious and publicly impeccable sister inlaw got fed up (in part due to the fact that my mother finally blew through her close to ten million dollars on a single stock transaction that sister in law and brother had been biding their time for) in addition to my brother never getting any better at concealing his anti- social behavior and her getting tired of covering it up with no payoff. He has gone from psuedo socalite to crack head and homeless in a matter of five years. How do I know after being cut off? He just tried to contact me with the pretense that he was sending me an email from his children. He knew it broke my heart to have to cut off ties with them and that I could not reject them if they were trying to reach me. Perfect Christmas present. I figured it out after a week or so of emails. Confirmed the crack addiction with my narcissistic father whose life has apparently been threatened; and whom father is as happy to throw out guilt free now that he has been embarrased not only publicly but with respect to his genes. While I spent time on my knees crying for the little boy with whom my last pure memory is of him as a ten year old boy buying me a barbie doll just to make me happy not beacause he wanted anything from me or to use me in anyway. All things changed shortly thereafter for him and for me. Anyway enough about him. Along with the negative aspect of my Christmas present from him I beleive he also gave me a good one. I now know that I am not crazy and although I would never confront or accuse anyone for several reasons. No one would believe me and we still have the other narcissists to protect for who truth would severly screw up both self and public images integral to their lives brain surgeons, editors,etc. I am now reading these disorders and I know that there was nothing I could do to reach them or help them - therefore I did not screw up. I have been undermined and humiliated another story and hard to believe because it sounds conspirisyish. I will also never get any apologies or truth from them. So I can now work on myself and figure out my own problems. It helps to know that it was not personal that it was not a choice on their part.
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