We would expect that a child would feel safe in her home. This is not the case with a child who has been put in the victim role by her narcissistic mother. Narcissistic mothers are completely absorbed with themselves. Many of them have children to enhance their image of having a perfect family. The work of raising, nurturing and protecting one's child is expected and essential. The narcissistic mother often turns her daughter(s) over to babysitters or nannies when the child is very young, even an infant. She makes sure that friends and acquaintances believe that she is a devoted mother. She talks about her daughter, pretending that she is emotionally invested in her child. This is not the case. If one of her daughters has been chosen by mother as the special one, her treatment of this child is completely different. This daughter is privileged from infancy.Mother is fixated on this child who holds the promise of being a perfect replica of herself. Narcissistic mothers choose this special little girl for various reasons; physical beauty, mental brilliance, charm and magnetism that win people over.
Narcissistic mothers often rule the family. Father is present in name only. He is a fixture in his own house. Some of these fathers are workaholics and prefer to be away from home than to deal with the cold harsh temperament of this woman.
The narcissistic mother deals with her unconscious fury by projecting it on to a daughter whom she has picked as a scapegoat. It is not unusual for the victim to be a highly sensitive little girl. She has no defense against the ridicule, demeaning verbal assaults of these highly disturbed mothers. This situation can become more traumatic if the narcissistic mother and her narcissistic daughter join forces in the taunting and humiliation of this child. I have heard from adult daughters scapegoated in this manner. Their stories are heartrending. Many of them survive by entering the world of books, art, uses of the imagination. Some are fortunate to have a special friend whom they can visit often enough to take the psychological pressure off of them for short times.
Adult daughters who survive the narcissistic mother wars are incredible psychological warriors. Many of them experience symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome and spend years in the aftermath of these traumas and their efforts to heal. Individuals who have been through such a prolonged ordeal need our understanding and compassion. Many of them find their way to healing through support groups, participate in psychotherapy, work with healing modalities--gentle yoga, walking and sitting meditation, The deeper our understanding of the true nature of narcissistic mothers the better we are prepared to help ourselves in the process of healing from these highly pathological family constellations. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Scapegoated Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Narcissistic Daughters
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 5/24/2011 10:07 AM 
Categories: female narcissists, mental health, narcissistic parents, self help. mental health, narcissistic mother, narcississtic personality, narcissistic personality, interpersonal relationships, abusive relationships, children of narcissistic mothers, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, psychotherapy, family relationships, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic family
Tags: narcissistic mothers scapegoated daughters narcissistic daughters narcissistic verbal assaults
Categories: female narcissists, mental health, narcissistic parents, self help. mental health, narcissistic mother, narcississtic personality, narcissistic personality, interpersonal relationships, abusive relationships, children of narcissistic mothers, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, psychotherapy, family relationships, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic family
Tags: narcissistic mothers scapegoated daughters narcissistic daughters narcissistic verbal assaults
This post really appeals to me doctor Linda martinez. This rings so true to my life. No wonder ive always felt insecure. After my accident at my NPD mothers house ive taken a different route in my life. The more i study, the more i get answers. Your book is brilliant. Thankyou so much!!!! Jane
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This is my story...to a T! I'm struggling now and while I am healthier than I was when younger, it is unfortunate. I know I can't change the past, save my narcissist/codependent mother through love, nor do I want to but it is unreal to read this and identify with all of it. I am resilient. That is something I have been forever and the older I get the more I understand why.
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I am the oldest of 5 siblings and unquestionably the scapegoat daughter. My mother has always told the world she "loves babies". She lost her fascination when they became older and had another each time. Being the first, she handed me off to my grandmother, who was my dad's (an only child) mother when she had the next child my "Golden Child" brother (the son every man wants). Most of my life I was subsequently old that my grandmother 'stole' me, to explain her lack of a bond (she told me that she never really did bond with me as a child when I was in my late 30s). I do not look like her and I think that offended her. Further she was driving when I was in a bad car accident at 3 and the scar was on my face. Not being able literally to look at what she did, she created even more distance emotionally. When my grandmother died 20 years ago she unleashed her nastiness on me full bore, pulling my dad into her "side" and building her case against me every chance she got. It was as if she blamed me for the fact that she didn't love me because that would make her a bad person, and she is very astute about how people perceive her. Her abuse was boundless and she got away with a lot after I became a single working mother. However, I was successful and even that pissed her off. She never had a career or got an education and was obviously mad that a divorce did not ruin me. I rose to the occasion and took care of my kids with little or not child support from my ex. She also used to call my daughter to ask her to go shopping after school when she was in 7th and 8th grade knowing that I needed her there with her younger brother and sister till I got one from work. I repeatedly asked her not to put me in the position to have to tell her that she couldn't go until later. Then she would tell my daughter how much she felt sorry for her because she was "so overburdened" even though she always told people she had me just to take care of my brothers and sisters (I also did all the laundry for the family by the time I was in 7th grade along with other chores). She has taken advantage of my husband (ten years) and my hospitality - we live in a place where people like to come to vacation and they tell us when they will be here (don't ask us) and how long they will be staying. Then my mother picks and chooses her moments when no one else is looking to stick it to me and she can be vicious. My dad always "pretends" that he doesn't see what she does and even if I am specific about why, for example, I don't want to be alone with her, go shopping just the two of us, etc, he will tell me he "can't believe" she would do whatever I use as an example go explain why it's bad for us to be alone. We are now barely speaking to each other and I am fine with it. I have come to accept my dad is also a wimp and have little respect for him anymore although I love him. My sibs are just glad they aren't me. My husband gets it tho and we just want to keep away from it.
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