I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don't understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable---night and day. She was a very "busy" woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn't wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the "happy family", the "loving mother" and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist.
Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless. The narcissistic mother colludes with the golden child, providing him/her with every educational opportunity. He/she is the recipient of all the praise, entitlement and raised to a position of prominence in the family. I have heard of homes that were filled with trophies or certificates earned by the golden child throughout the years. His/her siblings were required to look up to this chosen child and to obey them. These situations can turn very ugly. The chosen child can inflict severe psychological damage on his siblings. They are often threatened and intimidated and treated with severe humiliation.
Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. Be sure that the therapist has a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder. Practice calming the mind and body through gentle yoga with emphasis on calming breath, various forms of meditation including guided meditation and other healing modalities. Know that you will reclaim your life. There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Healing from the Narcissistic Mother
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 3/8/2011 11:16 AM 
Categories: mental health, narcissistic rage, narcissistic personality, narcissistic mother, personality disorders, interpersonal relationships, narcissistic siblings, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, female narcissists, abusive relationships, family relationships, psychotherapy, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic family, narcissistic parents
Tags: healing from narcissistic mother
Categories: mental health, narcissistic rage, narcissistic personality, narcissistic mother, personality disorders, interpersonal relationships, narcissistic siblings, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, female narcissists, abusive relationships, family relationships, psychotherapy, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic family, narcissistic parents
Tags: healing from narcissistic mother
With as narcissistic as our culture has become, I can't imagine the added damage caused by a narcissistic mother. Criticism and dismissiveness anywhere you turned. I can only imagine the support needed to overcome that.
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It is said, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world". Since so many rocking the cradle are not even the mothers anymore, but paid nannies, caregivers, babysitters, etc. it will be interesting to see the snowballing dysfunction even more in a generation.
It makes you, or breaks you. Strong personality and will to be healthy and A BETTER PARENT helps. Victim mentality reflects that the N has won. I would never let THAT happen!
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I am a male . Raised by a severe narcissistic woman (mother) now deceased . I am older . Married a narcissist perhaps not as severe as my mother . I divorced her after 5 years . Maintained a long term narcissistic mother / son relationship that I have been trying to end without success for 20 years . I struggle with dominant mother submissive son on a compulsive level at times .I am glad I found this . I have never had a real relationship with a woman .
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This post that you wrote is an exact description of my family. My Mother pitted my younger Sister and I against each other, she was the chosen child, always had the best of everything, including education. My Mother called me a whore, never told me she loved me not even when she passed away. My Sister tormented me throughout my childhood years. I finally left home when I turned 18 and moved to another State. I did end up returning to my home State after 8 years and had little to no contact with my younger Sister. Mother is deceased now and my Sister calls herself the "first lady" and matriarch of the family. She tries to control holidays and all family gatherings. She has threatened to make my life miserable, even to the point of making false accusations to my employer and with other agencies for my profession. I have basically stayed away from her as much as possible but after this last threat I have decided that I have to walk away from her and keep her out of my life. She is a toxic person that will never let me rest. I have an older Sister who has experienced the same things with my Mother and Sister that I have but nowhere near to the extent that I have experienced these things. There is always that feeling when you have to walk away from someone, especially a family member, of guilt because they are a family member. I can't do it anymore with my younger Sister and wonder if there are any suggestions about how I can get passed that guilt.
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Barbara,
I was happy for you to see you have another sister. I would say they walked away from YOU a long time ago. You may be used to the abuse, but you do not deserve another moment. Bond more with your like-sister, and let the other disappear. It will always be bittersweet, yes? My 93 year old Mother, who may be 'humanizing' in her dementia, trained my older sister. I am sole caregiver to our Mother, stressed out to the max, and sister cheerily visits when it is convenient, with her new outfits, talk of travel, condescending to the hilt. I cry silently, Why God?! We must take a step in a new direction, Barbara. I will do it, if you will
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I am encouraged that there is help . However like many problems taking alcoholism for instance there are 12 step groups . I have not been able to find any type of support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse . If you know of any please let me know via responding here . If I find any I will do the same . This is a terrible thing to overcome . I think it can be done though
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Jay, my husband is a Narcissist who was raised by a severely narcissistic socipathic mother. She has run away and destroyed every woman he has ever been with. She's 70 years old now and still going strong. I am the target. She's slandered me throughout town and has people in high places believing that I am some control-freak who has islolated her son from his dysfunctional family. His father died early...I believe due to the stress of this woman. She uses minions, manipulation and control to insure that her son will never be paired with anyone. Worse, is the number she's done psychologically on him. They are both destructive forces.
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