There are innumerable forms of torture. When we think of torture our imaginations create mental pictures of extreme, prolonged physical abuse--flogging, beating, stoning, whipping, sleep deprivation. In recent studies of adult victims of torture the results show: "Degrading treatment and psychological manipulation cause as much emotional suffering and long-term mental damage as physical torture."
Many spouses of narcissists experience psychological, mental and emotional abuse that can be described as torture. These inhumane forms of treatment are unrelenting and long lasting. Constant barrages of volcanic rage, sadistic criticisms and humiliations can break the spouse down, creating a person who feels helpless and hopeless. Some of these individuals don't know how they will survive through another moment and others feel the pull to give up completely. The victim of narcissistic torture is a prisoner even if he or she lives in a mansion and leads a heady lifestyle. It is in the privacy of the inner walls of home and mind that the constant assaults on the self take place. Friends, relatives and acquaintances often believe that this is a perfect couple. They have everything and are high achievers. The external image is stunning in its perfection. Beneath this surface is pure hellish terror that lives inside the abused spouse. Never underestimate the lengths a narcissist will go to undermine and attempt to destroy a marital partner.
I have been in communication with spouses who were psychologically tortured for years and finally escaped their captor. The first step is recognizing the severity of what is being done to you, knowing that you absolutely do not deserve this treatment and that you can and will find ways to escape the narcissist and re-capture and reclaim your life. Good psychotherapy provides the opportunity for a strong steady therapeutic alliance that is an essential zone of safety for the client. There are support groups that help victims to recognize that they are not alone and have different life options. Work on building your spiritual foundation through a regular practice. This can take the form of meditation, prayer, gentle yoga. Your intuition is a life companion. Call upon this great gift often and it will strengthen and steady your entire life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Spouses-Psychological Torture
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 2/20/2011 4:07 PM 
Categories: mental health, married to a narcissist, spiritual growth, narcissistic wife, self help. mental health, divorcing your narcissist, narcissistic personality, narcissistic husband, narcissistic partner, abusive relationships, sadistic, counseling, narcissistic spouse, physical health, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, interpersonal Relationships, narcissistic rage, psychotherapy, family relationships, narcissistic family
Tags: psychological torture narcissistic abuse abusive narcissistic spouses narcissistic rage reclaim your life good psychotherapy
Categories: mental health, married to a narcissist, spiritual growth, narcissistic wife, self help. mental health, divorcing your narcissist, narcissistic personality, narcissistic husband, narcissistic partner, abusive relationships, sadistic, counseling, narcissistic spouse, physical health, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, personality disorders, interpersonal Relationships, narcissistic rage, psychotherapy, family relationships, narcissistic family
Tags: psychological torture narcissistic abuse abusive narcissistic spouses narcissistic rage reclaim your life good psychotherapy
It's very hard to explain this kind of abuse to outsiders. You have no bruises, welts or marks to prove it. The evidence is all inside. When I married my N husband I was the type of person that was comfortable around other people, felt as if I had lots to offer and had no problem dealing with any issues that came up. I raised 2 children on my own, worked full time and was very happy doing it. That all changed after we got married. It was a very gradual change that was taking place. After about 3 years I started to notice things like I no longer felt comfortable in social situations, had a very hard time making decisions without consulting my husband first (even though it was a simple decision that I should have been able to make on my own) and I always felt like I had no thoughts of any interest to anyone. This was a large part of the reason I knew I was in the wrong place. I realized that I had been, in a sense, 'brainwashed'. I knew that if I made a decision he would find something wrong with it. He would never have done it that way. I also knew that if I disagreed with something he said or wanted to do, even gently so as not to upset him, he would find a way to punish me for it. Not right away because it wouldn't look good for him to come right out and say that I'm not allowed to disagree with him. That would make him a bad person. He would wait sometimes a day or two but would find some little thing or make something up if he couldn't find fault and rage at me, get right in my face and call me names and eventually the episode would always end with him telling me that I should just leave him and he would be happy. There is no way that whatever little thing he found to complain about was worth that much anger. I think we both knew that this was my punishment for disagreeing with him the day before. Made me think twice about doing it again but I guess that was his plan all along. I left him almost a year ago but I'm still having a confidence problem. I clam up around other people even though 10 years ago I would have no problem chairing a business meeting with an entire room full of people. I second guess my decisions all the time and I sometimes feel like if I died today nobody would even notice. Like a tiny little insignificant speck on a huge scary world.
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Sher I understand just how you feel , you have described the feeling very well. Narcissists gradually eat away at your confidence and self esteem until you are a quivering, quiet, compliant,pleaseaholic. Its awful how N husband can make you feel insignificant. WELL YOUR NOT!! Please do not let your N husband make you any worse. Now you recognize what is happening you may need to end this relationship.
I feel a lot more confident and happy with my life now i am free, and no contact from Narcissists that controlled and ruined my life. They were my entire family.
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Sorry Sher, Thankgod you have left him!!! lol i just reread your comment, my eyes are terrible. It takes a long time to get your confidence back, but now you are free im sure you will be ok in time.
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Thanks Jane, I think once the trial is over (he thinks that because I 'chose' to leave him he should be able to keep everything) I will be able to put it all behind me and move on. Although I will now always be on the lookout for the red flags of narcissism. At this point I don't see myself ever trusting a man again and I hope in time that will also change. I'm sorry you experienced this with family. That must be so hard to go no contact with them. I was lucky and was able to turn to my family. They have been great. I really hope you have someone you can trust.
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I have tears running down my face....this is my life and I have no idea how to get out. After 6 years I am in so deep financially and emotionally. I am destroyed because of this man and have nothing to start over with.
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Rexelle, there are things you can do plan an exit if that's what you really want. If you have family or someone you can trust completely, ask for their help in advance for somewhere to live. Start a bank account in your own name but do not use your address. Have any correspondence sent to the address of someone you know. Even if you can deposit a few dollars at a time it's a start. If you will need to find a job, start working on your resume. Sometimes just having a plan makes you feel like you have some sort of control, even if you have to stay in the relationship for a bit longer. Keep the plan absolutely hidden. Don't bring it up during any rages you may have to deal with just to try and hurt him. It won't work. It will just spoil your plan and make him even more controlling. Above all remember who you were before 'him' and try and find that person again. Think about being able to come home and know it's your sanctuary, you're in charge and no one can hurt you. It's a quietness I haven't felt in a long time. Be strong.
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