Even if you have long severed your relationship with your narcissistic mother, there can be residues of feelings that remain.Some children of narcissistic mothers after many years of estrangement, still believe that they can renew their relationship with mother and that this time it will be different. They tell themselves that in the passing years, mother has mellowed, softened. She may even be capable of insight. She could even say that she is "sorry." Many of these children with whom I have had contact find that the narcissistic mother has not changed. She is still blaming her son or daughter for everything that doesn't work perfectly for her. She accuses these children of abandoning her, when for many decades, from early childhood on, she has made her sons and daughters lives, unbearable. She has been unrelenting in her criticisms, venomous projections, cruel betrayals, pitting one child against the other, insisting that her child must follow a specific profession that will bring honor and prestige to the family. These children are not allowed to choose their own personal destinies. The narcissistic mother is the ultimate controller. Some of these mothers choose partners and career paths for their sons and daughters. Children in the family who show an independence of mind are are hounded and criticized. The narcissist child in the family, the individual who moves synchronistically to mother's choreography, is venerated like a member of royalty in the family. Mother cannot stop obsessively praising this child, openly comparing him/her with the other children.
After all of the psychological pain of not having a mother who is genuinely capable of love find ways to heal themselves through quality psychotherapy and a number of modalities including meditation, hatha yoga, tai chi, etc. Many find support groups of other individuals who have suffered from having a narcissistic mother. Some find comfort and peace through learning how to still the mind through meditation, practicing yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other healing practices. The process of individuation--becoming a resourceful whole separate human being is lifelong. We are always a work in progress--- bringing intellectual curiosity to our activities, developing mental and spiritual steadiness, working with our unique creativity and reaching out to others who will be comforted by our kindness and receptivity to them. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife
Freeing Yourself from Your Narcissistic Mother
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 12/1/2010 6:28 PM 
Categories: mental health, narcississtic personality, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissist, interpersonal relationships, self help. mental health, interpersonal relations, narcissistic siblings, counseling, psychotherapy
Tags: narcissistic mothers children of narcissistic mothers
Categories: mental health, narcississtic personality, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissist, interpersonal relationships, self help. mental health, interpersonal relations, narcissistic siblings, counseling, psychotherapy
Tags: narcissistic mothers children of narcissistic mothers
Thank you for this post, it speaks to my heart. The hope that "this time will be different," "maybe she can say sorry and mean it" is so hard to let go of. This line specifically struck me: "She has been unrelenting in her criticisms, venomous projections, cruel betrayals, pitting one child against the other" - so true of my experience and others I communicate with who have gone through the same.
We are worth it, we can be free.
Thank you for all that you share.
upsi
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Thank you for this article. Sometimes I need to remind myself to honor my choices and acknowledge what has lead to my recovery.
I had to learn a lot about narcissism thoughout my life, and I'm finally at peace with understanding how to deal with people in my personal life who have it.
Like many others, I endured a great deal of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and financial manipulation by the hands of my mother.
I remember first realizing something was seriously wrong with my mom at age 13-when I nearly died-and had to have emergency surgery. I could tell because my dad displayed all of the normal concerned responses of having a child in the emergency room. To sum it up, I learned that I couldn't trust my mother. She was happy and calm, and she completely fed off my fear of dying. There was zero empathy from her. She was angry that others were diligently taking care of my recovery. My father never wanted to leave my side--it was like watching an angel and a devil take care of me.
Then, out of the blue, my mother decided that she should get her tubes tied & admitted herself for surgery 2 weeks after I was released. She treated it like a competition & said things like "the nurses liked her better as a patient-because her surgery wasn't an emergency", & spoke of her special treat. I saw behind her mask for the first time--and it never got better after that.
But, I was determined to be the opposite of her-to learn everything I could to be a good person. I escaped her through sports, dance, through friends, other healthy families, healing communities, and I moved far away...of course each one of these choices were met with complete rejection by my mother.
I worked hard in school, and even went for my doctorate in psych--I was determined to fix every other potential monster out there. Then I came to realize that I can't help everyone-and I had to ask myself what I was really doing for myself, instead of others. I separated myself from my professional identity and looked closely at my life. Was I fully recovered from my non-existent relationship with my mother? Even though I did everything in my power to be humble, honest, and a good person, was I really being careful enough to attract healthy people into my life?
For me, I found the answer was 'no'. Many friends were narcissists, some men I found myself interested in initially were narcissists too. I could see how I was cutting myself short.
Yes, I'm careful in my relationships, but the healthy people are out there. Ones who have learned what healthy love is, and ones who have healthy love to offer me.
Life can be really tough--but I've learned to look at life honestly. Yes, I have had to work on my own development because of the abuse, but I always knew that I owed it to myself to reach out for tools and insight to own my own power, create joy, & realize the love of being my own person-
even in the face of any rejecting narcissist.
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This article hit home for me. Lately, I've been rethinking my no contact with narc mom, coming up on the holidays. My kids haven't seen her in months with at least 3 opportunities that I have outright refused her and enabling dad's visit.
I go back and forth between standing strong and that longing to have my kids have their grandparents around for christmas.
Lots of secrecy in our extended family and abuse allegations. Since narc mom seems to be the puppeteer in the family, it is no telling just how culpable she is in the lives of those poor victims. I can not allow my kids to be in danger whatsoever!! I keep reminding myself of that and my anger at injustice keeps my mind clear.
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I totally agree with you dragonfly , my life story is very similar to yours. Npd mother, a lifetime of horrid abuse and rage from a non mother. Causing siblings to hate you and compete etc. Trying to find healthy people in your life who actually care about you. Its exasperating!!!
I too found out the hard way that something really is wrong with mother when she didn't come to the emergency room after having a serious accident at her home. She went to bed and slept off her drunken state. She never did show empathy, worry or concern even after i had emergency surgery. She turned real nasty in the following months,when i was incapacitated and may have needed help. The whole Npd family turned their backs on me and closed ranks. I too have studied psychology, but your right! you do have to heal yourself first and take a close look at your own life. I am very sad i got seriously hurt before i woke up and smelt the coffee. People really should distance their selves from family or spouses who show the Npd signs if they want to stay healthy and live a normal happy life. Jane
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