Narcissists always have to win even if the contest is rigged. Whether you are in a business arrangement, a marriage, a custody battle, the narcissist will insist on vanquishing you even when the truth and the law are on your side. Narcissists are clever at using their material resources and influence to "persuade" others that they are right even when the opposite is true. This is easier for the narcissist than most mortals because he/she doesn't have a conscience. The narcissistic frame of reference for a conscience is not getting caught and the cover-up.
In marital relationships the narcissist is absolutely charming and socially appropriate in public. Everyone is congratulating you: "How lucky you are to be married to such a fascinating and delightful man." "He is extraordinary on every level." Some people are envious of those who are married to narcissistic spouses, never realizing how wretched they are in private. I hear this comment so often from those who write to me about their marriage horrors.
If you are not going along with the narcissist's program of waiting on him/her, satisfying every need on his timetable (which means instantaneously) taking his outrageous criticisms to heart, and providing him with a steady stream of adulation---you are in trouble. The narcissist turns very ugly and tries to pick you apart, piece by piece. He is loud, in your face, making false accusations, screaming epithets, shaming you. So often spouses cower and are bent low and feel like they being drowned by this constant onslaught of negativity. Many spouses give in and tell themselves and their mate that they will try harder and do it better the next time. They promise. This is letting the narcissist get the better of you. He is not only running your life; he is metaphorically taking it away from you. All of your energy is spent being his servant and recovering from his tirades.
You can stop this pathological cycle. The narcissist isn't going to change. You can reclaim your life. You have a decision to make. Can you stay with the narcissistic spouse and learn how to be emotionally detached and not take his tirades and demands seriously. Can you move on to nurture your own gifts and energies in directions of your choosing. Or is this impossible under the circumstances. Is it time to sever the relationship formally. I say formally because marriage to a narcissist is not a true marriage. There is no true reciprocation and love, no mutual respect, no empathy, no intertwined values.
Think carefully about your priorities and let your intuition lead the way together with detailed research about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Don't Let the Narcissist Get the Better of You
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 8/30/2010 11:51 AM 
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
It was calls from close friends saying how wonderful my wife was and how lucky I am, during a serious family crisis, that hurt me most of all. This really shook me as I could see the act she displayed to the world and felt nothing of the mother in the family where our son was dying in hospital.
My son said to me in midst of all the trauma, "Dad I can see now what you have been trying to tell me all these years. I took one look at your face and all my stress disappeared. Mum does nothing in this way. Also looks so very different to the other families that come to visit the young sick people here".
Anything that demands self scrutiny, or any self reflection at all, brings in the self denial process. This robotic behavior looks great to the remote observer and it is designed to be.
I think this is the thing that causes much of the Narcissistic traits that build in the spouse as they try to survive the nightmare.
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This article is so accurate...it's as if you live in my home! The constant demands and negativity - and then the Narcissist will often tell their victim that she/he (the victim) is "negative". They are masters at public facade and then mean in private. Nice one moment and cruel the next. It's a roller coaster that never ends. There's alot of rage, and they are always bored, and never satisfied. The "picking apart" is so accurate. They are right there if you make the slightest human error...to point it out, tell you what you should have done or said. They have no empathy whatsoever.
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