We live in a time of hookups, sexting, dual relationships, easy sexual encounters. People have used one another  sexually for millenia, since we were cave dwellers. More recently, there is a growing lack of emotional and psychological intimacy in marital and partnership relationships. In some stratas of our culture this has become the norm. No one is expecting or even looking for commitment. Human intimacy encompasses much more than sexuality alone. True intimacy involves a close trusted attachment and fulfillment of mutual needs between the parties. Intimate relationships are reciprocal. Each person is invested in the welfare and growth of the other. When we are capable of being intimate, we forget ourselves and tend to the needs of the other person without asking or expecting a reward.

Narcissists cannot be intimate, even with themselves. They are highly skilled at playing the part of loving partner or or father or mother when there is something in it for them. I have been in contact with so many marital partners who believed that they were loved by a narcissistic spouse for decades, despite the person standing before, demonstrating every single narcissistic trait---deception, manipulation, lack of empathy, deceitfulness, chronic lying,  bottomless rage. Narcissists can be highly skilled in playing the role of sexual partner. They convince their mates that this is intimacy. The partner can become deluded by these times of high passion and pleasure and forget that in the other areas of their lives, the narcissist fails at being a decent human being. There is a profound disinction between who someone is and whom we want them to be. That  is where human pain is lodged---always wanting, waiting, hoping that the person we love will change and grow. This does not happen with narcissists. Their personality structure is rigid and fixed and highly unlikely to change. Why would a narcissist want to be intimate with someone (there is work and effort involved) when he or she can have everyone at his disposal, adoring, giving praise and adulation without emotional and psychological strings.

Learn to recognize if your partner is capable of true intimacy. Be willing to look at this person clearly, regardless of the outcome of your decision. Study the research on narcissistic personality disorder so that you can quickly recognize these individuals before you become emotionally involved with them. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Telephone Consultation: United States and international

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Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com