Children of narcissistic mothers carry a painful psychological burden. Narcissistic women cannot mother. In order to provide and
fulfill a child's essential needs for love, comfort, feelings of safety and nurturing, a mother must set her own needs aside and focus on her small child. Narcissistic mothers are completely incapable of thinking or feeling about anyone but themselves. From those who grew up this way, I have heard many life stories describing how mother's needs took over the entire household. Small children were like tiny servants to mother. They were expected to compliment mother on her beauty, her clothing, her attractiveness to men, etc. In some instances the mother made plays for her daughter's teenage boyfriends. Some narcissistic mothers compete with their daughter on the sexual desirability gauge. These children are often sent to daycare very early--much too soon so they suffer from psychological deprivation. Some have nannies who become the day to day mother. Some adult children of narcissistic mothers don't realize until long into adulthood that they grew up in such a pathological family. This is often the case with women and men who marry narcissistic spouses. After all of the abuse and neglect they have endured, you would think that the last person they would marry would be a narcissist. That is not the case. Narcissists, especially those who are at the top of their game, can fool most people. They are completely engaging and charming and if they are interested and attracted to a man or woman of their choosing, it is very difficult to resist them. Currently, the number of narcissists in the society is increasing so there are more of them available for intimate relationships and marriage. On the outside they represent everything the narcissistic mother didn't provide: laser beam attention, compliments, feelings of specialness, being swept off your feet, etc. Children of narcissistic mothers are particularly vulnerable to this kind of convincing performance. They have been waiting to be special and cherished all of their lives. They don't hear the alarm ring in their intuitive heads: "It's too good to be true." "He or she has only known me for a very short time and now is offering me the world." "I feel giddy and controlled; I can't think for myself; I have put someone else in charge of my feelings and my life." Children of narcissistic mothers override these warnings and move forward with the marriage.

When the "relationship" falls apart and the narcissist is showing his/her dark side---volcanic rage, chronic lying and deception, psychological coercions, wounding criticisms and humiliations, the child of the narcissist starts making excuses for her partner. On an unconscious level, this pattern is very familiar to the victim. It is like living with mother so many years ago. All of the abuse, the inability to view and value you as an individuals, the constant emotional havoc resounding throughout the household. is the repetition of the trauma. When we have not consciously acknowledged how we have been hurt and traumatized and worked through these childhood issues there is a strong tendency to repeat these traumatic patterns in other life relationships, especially the choice of a marital partner. Do not blame yourself for these uninformed decisions.

You were unaware then. Now, you can arm yourself with essential information about the narcissistic personality disorder and work with your psychological vulnerabilities in this area. You will view perspective partners differently, with your intuitive eyes wide open. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com