Life with Narcissist-Death by a Thousand Cuts
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In medieval times one of the worst tortures that a prisoner could endure was "Death by a Thousand Cuts." "The torturer would make one cut at a time to his victim...A thousand cuts were not enough to kill a person. He could continue living until all of his blood drained out of his body slowly. This rarely happened since a victim could be cured and tortued for months-or years."
I think of this image as it is related directly to victims of the narcissist, especially those closest to him: spouses, children, siblings. The narcissist constantly picks away at family members with ear and nerve shattering screams, reciminations, verbal threats, untrue criticims, horrendous humiliations, lies that are created to destroy credibility and reputations. The narcissist is always cutting, picking even slicing away at his spouse's, children's sibling's feelings of confidence, competence and self worth.
The narcissist is looking for ways to bring you to your knees, to weaken you psychologically so you will collapse under his/her ultimate control. Some narcissists are truly sadistic and take joy and triumph in your psychological and emotional pain.
I have witnessed the life stories of children taken by the narcissistic parent, convincing judges that they were the fit parent and the other spouse was mentally disturbed and irresponsible. I have heard often of narcissist's seizing entire estates and financial entities and leaving the discarded spouse without any material resources. I have watched some non-narcissistic spouses become physically chronically ill as a result of overwhelming "thousands of psychological cuts" they endured to remain in the coveted role as the narcissist's partner.
What is your life worth? Do you deserve emotional peace, a time to breathe full uninterrupted breaths, access to your creative gifts and unique energies, opportunities to envision your own life (not a false replica created by a consummate manipulator) ? If the answer to these questions is a resounding "Yes", do your research about the narcissistic personality disorder. If you have already studied and understand the character disorder in your life, it is time to make your decision. Some of those closely related to narcissists by marriage or family decide that they can carve out a life by detaching themselves from these individuals and developing skills to keep themselves from getting hooked into the narcissist's many lures, traps and punishments. Others, make the break from the narcissist and reconfigure their lives to reclaim their indivduality, creativity, physical and mental strength and stamina. To acquaint yourself about every facet of the nacississtic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: victims of narcissist torturer sadistic narcissist ultimate control manipulator
I wonder if they do things to be psychologically cruel and sadistic? it certainly seems like they go out of their way to do whatever will annoy their victim the most. It as if the victim is prey, they are the predators. They sit and study and wait, until they have pick the perfect spot to attack the victim and then they are relentless. Or are they just so out of sinc with the natural flow of life that they go against it at all costs? Some people don't believe they are evil or do things deliberately but I do. I think they know exactly what they are doing and get off on it. It is their "high", seeing others annoyed, destroyed, humiliated and suffering because of them. And, why do they never seem to "reap" what they have sown? Have you ever seen a NPD monster get back the pain they have caused to others? Anyone?
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The "death by a thousand cuts" analogy is so very true when living in the shadows with a narcissist. One of the things that's so frustrating to me is how narcissists are able to present a "normal" appearance to others while secretly torturing their victims. In and of itself, a single cut may not appear to others to be so bad, but the sum total of cuts does massive damage as you so eloquently point out in this post.
Trying to explain the dynamic to someone who doesn't understand narcissism is a frustrating experience. One is often met with blank looks or confused stares as the other party tries, but fails, to comprehend what is going on. And the cuts of a passive-aggressive or "covert narcissist" are particularly difficult to explain because they are executed so cunningly and so cleverly that they don't appear to be cuts at all.
One thing I have discovered in dealing with narcissists is that is does little good to try to explain what is going on to those who are blindly following the narcissist. The narcissists I have encountered are quite good at covering up their torture by gaslighting and spinning to make it seem as though you are the one with the problem. So I just don't try to explain it anymore. I walk away and let the chips fall. Like Glenda told Dorothy in Oz, "some things you just have to discover for yourself."
Thanks, Dr. Linda for a very insightful post! ~Donna
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I was married to one of these monsters, I think that the damage is so deep that your body reacts, I had surgery 2 years ago and a freak accident happened where I lost most of my blood, it happened over several hours while I was in recovery, the surgeons could not find the source of the bleed, I had to go back in for a second surgery and they spent 4 hours trying to stop it, essentially find it. It stopped itself and as they ran out of blood had to transport me to the city hospital, my husband told them not to resussitate me. I think my body was ending my life without my controlling it, I was suicidal for years while married to him. I thought that was the only way out. When I came home 2 weeks later he told me he thought my body had decided to kill me because the hemorage was so unexplainable. Even then he felt absolutely nothing a few weeks later he left. I am still recovering.
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Oh you poor thing. Callous man - and you have been blessed by his departure, truly. It could be much worse - he could still be there.
I know how you feel and they do get you down and the best thing I do is to save myself for the good people and one thing is you do get wiser - to people "who are really nice" and lure you into their clutches.
It is the feeling they give you and me - that feeling they are always right and just today I was in a cafe and we were having a meal and all was sweet and he then made a charge at me over some trival thing that he provoked me about and tried to say that I was whiteanting him. I rang on the way home and he continued to carry on about how I was wrong and he was right - that I needed to change. I emailed him later saying i didn't appreciate his rudeness in the cafe and I am yet to hear back/ get some payback for saying that. My son died since he had been my partner (had a heart defect) and he does not like my other son - always putting him down behind his back - but has left him alone since I had words with him. I lost my home, yet he lives in a big house and looks down on me as though it was my fault, yet he is quick to take my ideas, want to be close to my circles and expects me to be there at his convenience and if I have a problem he feels uncomfortable to be near me to help me and it is rare that he would be with me to help and support me, I sense it would be more to help him with his image to the world and not for any love to me.. at least that is how it feels. He feels uncomfortable with the thought of showing any feeling, except when it comes to his own personal dramas, then I am expected to be all-ears.
It is hard... and I really feel for you... you are free now... just be careful next time you meet someone... date for a long time before living with them... and be strong enough not to put all of your eggs in one basket - don;t give your heart away at the first sign of trouble... save your heart and always make sure you do things for you - like get a massage and treat yourself to things you like and that make you happy on the inside... and spend time with nice caring people and keep those people long term
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Thank you for your support and kindness, I am so much better off now that he is gone. I have read a lot on this kind of illness, if you can call narcissism an illness and I have really learned a lot. It is so destructive as I think back at the horrible times I don't know how I survived, I think we switch off to most of it because if we are aware of what they are doing it would be too hard to deal with. I know that situation, picking a fight because he feels like it and putting down your family. I have had all that. When I would go and visit my family or they came to me, even my young teenage niece said how he constantly interrupted me every time I tried to speak, disagreed with every single thing I said. I will not get involved again, there is a lot to be said for having your own space and owning the money you earn. You are right, I am free now and life is way better. I think this kind of abuse leaves very big scars and take a long time to heal that is if they ever really completely heal. The interent is a fabulous thing, it opens vents for us to air our thoughts and avenues to help us heal our wounds. With abuse there is always a sense of shame and isolation, with websites and comment boxes we can tell our story and read of others and automatically we feel less isolated.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write a comment.
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