Narcissist as Change Agent
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As children many of us are at the mercy of our parents. Many children learn to survive by placation--that is going along with the wishes and demands of the parent (especially if this individual is a narcissist). Others act out, rebel and often find themselves in trouble and alienated from the family. Some learn to pretend, to become a false self---an unreal person.
Separation and individuation is a developmental process that begins in early childhood. It is part of one's destiny as a separate unique individual. Many children are not accepted for being real, for their gifts and talents or special personality characteristics. They are not allowed to move through the process of individuation.
Aligning one's life closely with a narcissist through marriage is very difficult on the developing personality. The narcissistic personality is an immutable structure like basalt rock that has stood on the earth for eons. In marriage the non-narcissistic partner is repeating the battle of childhood. Again he or she is at the mercy of another. This time a person who is cruel, deceptive, cunningly manipulative and exploitive. Narcissists psychologically devour their spouses.
When the decision is made to sever the marital relationship life begins anew---the individuation process is set free to unfold for awaiting creativity and hope, personal respite, calm and being oneself---the true self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Right on! I was w/NH 4 25 yrs, not knowing what he was. Got divorced, grieved (thinking breakup was my fault - he said so), went back to grad school, & got Ph.D at 53. Had a rewarding career - am now happily single, traveling, & retired. I was an enabler, thinking I could just "love" him out of his bitter childhood. WRONG! Before I got out, my health began to fail from the stress of living with him. He's remarried (to another enabler), but now is a depressed alcoholic. He told me last month that having our 3 children caused him not to be a millionaire, that his Ph.D was better than mine, and how wonderful he was for having put 2 of 3 children thru college (withheld room & board from 1 after I paid his tuition, so son came and lived w/me and got his AA degree). And here I just thought NH was anal beyond belief. He may be that, too, but, for sure, he has a malignant narcissistic personality disorder and I just fed right into it for half my life. DRAT!
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