Child Custody with Narcissistic Ex
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I am writing to those who have been involved in marriages or partnerships with narcissistic personalities. Your life experience with them has been very difficult and this is an understatement. I am deeply concerned for all of those who have suffered under the tyranny of the narcissist's deceitfulness, cold repetitive manipulations, exploitation of you as an individual, the psychological chaos narcissists bring to our lives and their complete lack of empathy.
The emotional residue of the narcissist is even more painful if you share custody with them after the divorce. Before the divorce, make sure that you choose a highly experienced attorney who has dealt with this kind of client many times and understands how their games and manipulations are played out in the divorce procedure. If you are given joint custody, you will contribute tremendously to the welfare and growth of your children. This is a mixed outcome but very common. In some cases the judge rules in favor of the narcissistic client who has used highly persuasive and often underhanded tactics to win a judgment for more than half time custody. Continue your fight for custody that is fair.
The time you share directly with your child (children) is more than doubly precious now. Remember that children are wise and intuitive. They know who genuinely loves them. They have psychologically imprinted you in their psyches and hearts. Even when you are not with them physically, they carry your image and all of your compassion and love for them deep within. This indwelling is indelible---an essential part of you they have internalized and will remain activated, strong, creative and hopeful for the rest of their lives. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: lack of empathy child custody deceitfulness narcissistic ex internalized parent
I went through exactly what you're describing while my daughter was only 4 years old. I found myself spending all of my energy, emotion, time and money fighting my ex and his highly paid attorney group. I woke up one day and said to myself that I need to drop all of that nonsense and use my energy, time, emotion and money to raise my daughter. I did just that; it was of course a struggle financially, but we survived and today she is a Veterinary Doctor, who, by the way, played softball, was in cheerleading, girlscouts, etc.!
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My husband has a child with his narcissistic ex-wife and it is pure hell. My husband is a narcissist too, but the ex-wife is clearly a "more powerful" narcissistic sociopath than he is. She uses the child as a pawn and has been since the kid was born. The kid has to be the best at everything --it is demanded and she couldn't care less about the child.
Can one narcissist dominate the other? This is the case with my husband (a bullying narcissist) and his ex-wife. He can't find his balls whenever she "rises up". The bully is all of a sudden more of a coward. They go at it and then he backs down.
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from Mikki's post-- "Can one narcissist dominate the other?"
Yes, I think so. My N-sister was married to a narcissist. When they first got married, he promised her the moon-- said she didn't need to work, that he was going to make millions. She fell for the line and quit her high-paying job and followed him to his "castle in the clouds."
As you might imagine, the bubble burst right after the ink was dry on the marriage license. It became readily apparent to me (even though I didn't know what narcissism was then) that he was a hustler, just after my N-sister's recent inheritance from another husband and my N-sister's earning potential. Shortly after the marriage, my N-sister was "forced" back into the workplace, as someone had to pay the bills and it wasn't going to be him. He could sure spend it, though.
Took him awhile, but he helped my N-sister plow through all of her inheritance while feeding her the same ole line that he was going to make millions and she could quit her job and live like a queen. Of course, being a narcissist himself, the ship was always coming in, but it never arrived.
Time passed and they limped along on her salary until she lost her job. Their financial situation started deteriorating pretty rapidly at this point, since money was obviously the glue that held their marriage together (if you could call it a marriage-- I prefer to call it a "business arrangement"). I think the "marriage" would have finally ended in a divorce, or bankruptcy, but he died suddenly. Looking back, I think he was able to "out-narc" my N-sister, lol! What a screwed up existence, though.
Unfortunately, there was a child involved by a former marriage who had the misfortune of having two narcissists for parents. As a result, the child pretty much had to raise itself, since neither parent wanted the responsibility. Today, I'm unhappy to report that that child is a budding narcissist with the concurrent entitlement personality. ~Donna
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@Donna Wow, that's enlightening! I always suspected the one NPD could "out-narc" another. It's just amazing that people so dominate in controlling and bullying others, could play the puppet for anyone else (another NPD). Yes, my husband's daughter is definitely the "chosen child" and "chosen grandchild" by my husband's mother the "head monster narcissist". All evil in the family generally stems for her (my husband's mother). She has declared that his child out of all the other grandchildren is IT. She shuns all the other grandchildren and barely mentions them. Her daughter who also lives in the same city has three children, none of whom she ever mentions. She talks about my husband's child in an almost eerie way. There is constant mention of her and innuendo that we are actually supposed to "bow down" to the kid...now eleven. They treat her like she is the royal and your entire life is supposed to be planned with this one child in mind. Constant scenarios are orchestrated around the kid...it is truly the sickest thing anyone could imagine. The child is definitely a budding narcissist and I think she is going to be a strong force of destruction by the time she is grown. It is as if I am watching the creation of a new generation of this THING, this disorder. Donna, you said your sister's husband died? Really? So there's light at the end of the tunnel? (pardon the pun) What did he die of, nothing stress related? My husband is a master of taking me to the break of psychological madness...major stress. And yet, he said the other day that he "never feels stressed about anything.". That actually angered me. These beasts stress the crap out of those close to them and they just seem to dance thru life destroying those around them.
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His death was accidental, possibly caused by his own careless behavior. No, it wasn't stress that brought about his demise. I don't think that word is in the Narcissist Dictionary, lol!
I think narcissists just barrel through life with little to no planning or forethought, so they don't think enough to be stressed. And anyway, they're perfect, right? They never doubt themselves or their decisions. So there's nothing to fear and nothing to stress about. I don't think they're happy, though, except for very brief periods when they get attention. They get a little giddy, then swing back to depression or rage. Narcissists only appear to be confident--they are really empty inside, as Dr. Linda has written in previous posts. It's very sad the way they ignore children, then pretend they really matter in the power struggle of a divorce. ~Donna
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