My Sister the Narcissist
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This blog post is addressed to everyone who has to contend with narcissists in their families, including spouses, in-laws, parents, siblings, particularly sisters. I have received many communications from sisters who have been traumatized, manipulated, exploited and demeaned by their narcissistic sibling. Painful memories arise from their life stories of mothers who blatantly favored one daughter over the other. In some instances the narcissistic mother would permit her golden child daughter to physically abuse and mentally torment the other child. I hear from many daughters of narcissistic mothers and sisters who have survived this abuse after years of deep suffering.
Daughters who prevail and reclaim their lives despite their deep traumas and deprivations work toward healing one step at a time. Many benefit from solid psychotherapy, spiritual pathways and other healing modalities that move them forward toward becoming a solid, separate self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 5/24/2010 11:06 PM 
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: sadistic traumatized separate self inhumane treatment narcissistic sisters psychotherapy narcissistic mothers healing
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: sadistic traumatized separate self inhumane treatment narcissistic sisters psychotherapy narcissistic mothers healing
How very enlightening! It helps to have some type of definition for what has occurred in life. It doesn't allow me to forget, but understanding it a little better helps me go forward.
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Just Thank You!!!!!!
I am 56 years old; my sister is approx 4 years older than me and she has treated me so awfully all of my life and to this day she hates me, although she will pretend to be kind to me off and on at family gatherings, but I never know when she will like me and when she will hate me. My first clue is when I walk in the door and see her; that tells me if she hates me that day or likes me. I have asked her, called her, e-mailed her numerous times: why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me since I was a small child? She refuses to answer. I have lived now for 56 years of her hating me and treating me in horrible ways and can't even get an answer as to why! I think that is part of her game; knowing how horrible I feel wondering every day of my life why she hates me and she won't tell me.
Is that a control thing????
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This "silence" of the narcissists in my opinion is manifold: 1) It's a test to monitor your reaction and see how much emotional control they have over you. 2) Sometimes it's just because they don't have an answer because they are that far removed from their conscious and ability to empathize. 3) Sometimes the silence means they know they've done you wrong, but acknowledging your hurt would place them in position to hold themselves accountable and feel shame for their behavior. Their egos are too fragile for that. I've learned after 40 years with my sister that it's not that she hates me. She just can't love me back, because she has no love to offer herself and consequently can't offer genuine love to others. Narcissists don't even love their "favorite" chosen friends and family members. Even those who seem to get a Narcissist's best treatment are still only "objects" to extract from. No matter how old we get, we still yearn for sisterhood! Not everyone is a narcissist, and there are other loving, caring woman in the world who would love to embrace you as a friend and fellow sister. Life is too short, and it seems to be like you'd make a great friend to someone who's capable of appreciating your virtues. Your sister most likely won't ever change. I'm all too familiar with how difficult that is to accept, but I hope you realize that your efforts are too golden to be wasted on a person who can't see you or what you have to offer a relationship. I hope you invest those efforts in yourself and reaching out for the meaningful friendships you're worthy of! Take Care!
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My story is very similar to Peggy's. I am in my forties and my sister is 2 years older than me and she has done and said some pretty awful things to me over the years. She has ignored me for weeks on end etc without any explanation and when I emailed and asked her the same question 'What have I ever done to you except be loving, helpful and supportive and like Peggy got no answer except to say she has been busy etc. Just one recent example, she sent me an email which is a rare thing for her to do, saying she missed me. I showed it to my husband, I was gobsmacked. I thought well maybe she is changing. She said she would love to come and see me (we live abroad) but could not afford it, so I offered to pay for her flight and was really looking forward to it. I sent her flight details and said just ring or email back and I will book it. Then I heard nothing. Nothing for the past month. I phoned her and my nephew answered the phone and I asked to speak to her and in the background she shouted 'Tell her I will ring her back'. That was a month ago and I am still waiting for the phone call. Why does she do this to me? Neither me or my husband can get our head around her emailing me telling me she is missing me etc and then offer to pay for flight etc and don't hear a thing? Is this ignoring done for a reaction to see just how much they are hurting us? Would love to hear if anyone else has had the same treatment from their sister.
I have to say I now recognise that she is a narcissist but it still hurts - we were brought up to love and help one another so I just don't understand why she is like this. My husband has said for many years that she has been extremely jealous of me but I never really wanted to believe it. She has a good job at work and just got promoted about 5 months ago and I phoned her and said how well she had done and that she should be very proud of herself. I have always encouraged her and praised her, thinking maybe i have not been doing it enough but even after doing all this she still behaves the same way.
I would so love to have a normal sister relationship with her, go away together for weekends etc and be really close but I guess that is never going to happen. The hardest thing for me is understanding it but I know I have to accept it and move on. It is just that this is so difficult to do.
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Vanessa-- I don't know if this will help you, but I made a list of all the hateful and hurtful behaviors my N-sister has exhibited just in the past couple of years. I was surprised to see how little time it took me to compile the list. Here are just a few of the things I wrote down:
*only calls me if she wants something from me
*expects me to carry the entire relationship (i.e., she never contributes anything)
*when I do call her, she frequently puts me on hold while she answers another "more important" call
*makes snarky remarks or puts me down in the company of others, then pretends it was "just a joke"
*sets me up for embarrassment in front of others
*"too busy" to even send me a Christmas card
*all conversations are centered around her and what she's been up to, with just token comments regarding me and my family
*lies in order to elevate her achievements, but rarely compliments me on anything
*when she comes to my town, expects me to drop everything I'm doing and adjust my schedule to hers, while making sure I know she can only fit me in on the particular afternoon of her choosing
*is frequently late whenever we meet for lunch, sometimes as much as an hour, calling me to say "I just couldn't get out of bed" after I've already left my house and been on the road for half an hour en route
Keep in mind the things listed above are just part of the list and comprise the tip of the iceberg (and I only went back two years!) After this little exercise, I asked myself the following question: "Are these behaviors the acts of a loving, caring sister?" The answer was evident.
It was about that time, about six months ago, I finally woke up and realized that my "sister" was just an illusion. This conclusion was drawn after educating myself, with the help of Dr. Linda's book, this website and others on the NPD. Narcissists will never change. We can change, though. I wish you well on your journey. ~Donna
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Hi Donna,
Thankyou so much for that. Wow, everything on your N sister list is so true to mine! Re the Christmas and birthday cards - she hasn't sent me one for about six years, but she actually lies every single time and says she has sent it with a present. The first year of us living out here my husband and I actually went to the post office to see if they had lost it! She had never sent a thing. Going back to my first post, after sending my sister that recent email she has replied on Monday of this week, but with no apology, she didn't even mention anything about the flight etc - it was all about her and she said in the email that she needed to talk to me and that she loved me so much! - and that she had had a terrible weekend etc. She said she would call me that evening. No phone call until last night. It turns out her husband found a text from her boss on Saturday evening (my sister has been seeing her boss for 3 months she tells me but she is a pathological liar) so who knows just how long this has been going on. Anyway, obviously her hubby went balistic and the only reason she contacted me was because she knew that he was going to tell us the next time we spoke to him. This is not the first time she has been unfaithful. She asked me what she should do and I said 'This is something only you can decide on. Can you imagine the repercussions of telling a narcissist what to do and what they would do to you if it all went wrong! You are so right about her never changing. She even said in the phonecall on Monday (jokingly) that her husband said I used to be a looker but I am not anymore. Would you really say something so cruel to your own sister? I am not bothered about her husband saying this, he is entitled to his opinion, but would any decent person repeat that to their sister? or like you said 'Are these the behaviours of a loving, caring sister?' They are beyond belief. To be honest, normally in the past a comment like that would upset me but now I am getting stronger and like you say, she will never change, she is just a selfish, nasty piece of work and only rings or gets in contact when she wants something. I agree with your comments about Dr. Linda's book. Can you imagine if we had never found out about the book and the disorder? We would have put up with years of this behaviour without being aware. I am so grateful that I am now aware of NPD, because like you said even though we can't change them we can change our reactions to them. Have to say, I now tell myself that my sister does not deserve a second thought and that there are a lot of other 'sister type friends' in my life who ARE worthy of my friendship.
My best wishes to you.
Vanessa.
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When I read the stories above, part of me just wants to scream. Don't beg your narcissist for love or attention. Don't ask why they do what they do. They are incapable of recognizing or admitting they have any problems. Honestly, I have learned that the only way to have peace in my life is to allow absolutely NO CONTACT with her. My mother died this year, and she made my life hell throughout. She has proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is CRAZY. I recommend cutting off all contact. You will be glad you did.
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Just leave the narcissist alone. It's obviously the only way to handle it. The have no emotions whatsoever and can careless about your feelings.
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