Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Become Invisible
Daughters of narcissistic mothers who are not the chosen child in the family are ignored and/or abused. Often the narcissistic mother projects her rage, feelings of inadequacy, psychological emptiness on to her non-narcissistic daughter. These daughters are brain washed as small children, often in a state of confusion. "There must be something seriously wrong with me if I can't get my mother's attention." "My older sister gets away with everything." "No one ever corrects her when she treats me so cruelly." "Debbie (my older sister) is my mother's twin. She's the gorgeous one with all the charm." Narcissistic mothers and their clone daugthters chip away at the self confidence, feelings of worth and sense of value of the other daughters in the family. Often narcissistic mother and daughter are like a performing act of beauty queens, struting their stuff, always in the spotlight. The non-narcissistic daughter is left in the shadows and/or the recipient of cruel verbal attacks. Narcissistic mother and daughter often join together and take sport in this viciousness.
The abused and neglected daughter often learns to be invisible. She makes herself scarce when the queen and princess are around. Some daughters spend very little time at home. They find friends whrere they can hide out and only come home for meals and sleeping at night. They are members of the family in name only.
The psychological suffering of these daughters is deep and chronically extended. Often they are confused about their mother's feelings about them. They often ask themselves if they are defective and unlovable. After all, the favored narcissistic daughter appears to lead a charmed life. Everything and everyone is at her disposal. These daughters are frequently the object of ridicule and treated as inferior. Many of them spend years feeling "less than" and trying to get the attention and warmth from a mother who is incapable of being a real human being.
There are daughters who come into the light of appreciating and acting upon the discovery of their real selves. This is achieved through the very hard work of psychotherapy, self growth and spiritual modalities and years of learning about themselves and finally recognizing that they are separate in every way from their narcissistic mothers. All of their lights are shining brightly, glowing with warmth, hope,creativity and joy. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: chosen child unloved daughters of narcissistic mothers neglected daughter real self
In the 1946 Bette Davis movie, A Stolen Life, Bette plays dual roles as twin sisters-- Kate, the caring one; Pat the scheming one. To make a long story short, Pat marries Glenn Ford, much to the chagrin of Kate, who has fallen in love with Glenn's character. Time passes, and Kate and Pat go sailing on Nantucket Island. Their boat gets caught in a storm, and Pat drowns. Kate assumes her identity and tries to win back the love of Glenn Ford. In the end, she is successful, taking back the reins of "her stolen life."
Why the heck am I citing this movie? Because, as Dr. Linda has pointed out on her blog, narcissists attempt to steal your life. They want to rain on your happiness, they want to revel in your misery. In effect, they want to "mine" your emotions because of their need for control. They want to use you up and spit you out, because your life means nothing to them. In the end, they want your very soul-- I think because they are lacking one.
You are only an object. Of course you're invisible. Like a favorite doll, they put you on a shelf. They take you down and play with you only when it suits them. They use you for their pleasure. After all, you exist only for that. In the case of a N-mother, that's why they birthed you. In the case of a N-sister, you've always been their favorite doll.
As Dr. Linda advises, you must develop courage and strength. You must psychologically (if not physically) break the ties that bind. When you do, you'll "find yourself." Walk off their set. Refuse to be a part of their drama. It is then that you develop, as Dr. Linda says, your "authentic self." No longer are you invisible. You are a relevant, productive, happy individual. ~Donna
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@Donna Everything you're saying is true...especially that they want to take everything away from you...even your soul if they can get it. And, even after taking everything, they exclaim, "you've done nothing for me ever". They are beast...the demons of the earth. Whatever happened to them as kids, is sad, but becomes obsolete when you think of the pain and destruction they have exacted on your life and after their constant requests, demands and takings, think nothing of you or anything kind you have done.
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Mikki: "Whatever happened to them as kids, is sad, but becomes obsolete when you think of the pain and destruction they have exacted on your life and after their constant requests, demands and takings, think nothing of you or anything kind you have done."
It is difficult to have even a modicum of sympathy for them because of all the pain they have caused. The temptation is to become who they tell you you are-- a rebel, a difficult child, a "bad seed," etc. In my case, I became the rebel. They treat you as though you were invisible so, as Dr. Linda says, you become invisible. ~Donna
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