I am writing to spouses who are married to narcissists who continue to blame themselves for their partner's outrageous behavior toward them. We all make mistakes but don't assume that your narcissistic spouse is always right and you are wrong. It doesn't matter how loudly your spouse screams recrimminations at you, it will not make them true. Many spouses of narcissists were verbally abused as children. Some had narcissistic parents who were highly critical and extremely cruel. It is not surprising that as adults they would choose a partner who would treat them in the same unjust, hurtful way.

If you are continually humiliated, put down, verbally threatened, manipulated and exploited, the spouse of the narcissist begins to believe that this is the role he/she must play. Other spouses are psychologically trapped due to their dependence on a stronger, authoritarian partner.  These individuals are psychologically fused with the narcissist and the likelihood of their breaking free as one decade is piled upon another becomes very remote.

When your narcissistic spouse is going into his/her round of accusations, complaints, aggravations, stop for a moment. Ask yourself what is really going on. In most cases the narcissist is projecting on to you all of the unconscious negative hateful feelings he has about himself. It is his self loathing that is being foisted upon you. Learn to protect yourself from these verbal onslaughts by using some of the following strategies: Practice quieting your mind and body through a form of meditation that works for you. Practice consistently. That is the key--not the amount of time you spend but your dedication to practice daily. If you miss, don't be judgmental--resume the next day. Regular journaling is a powerful way to express your feelings and thoughts spontaneously and without interruption. Often as we write automatically we find ourselves opening doors to insights we never recognized when our minds were taken up by the destructive projections of others, especially a spouse. Take your creative gifts seriously. Think about what animates you, what you love and begin the first steps toward moving in your unique creative direction. As you take these steps you become more separate from the narcissist psychologically and emotionally and begin to feel your value as an individual.

A time for decision will come. Do I stay in this marriage to a narcissistic personality disorder, carving out as much of my life as possible or do I sever a "relationship" that can never be deeply meaningful. These choice are yours; make them in your own time, using your intuition and finely tuned judgment. Visit your website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com