The legal arrangements have been made and agreed to, the official divorce has been granted---now What do I do?  Many ex-spouses of narcissists ask themselves that pointed question. After years, even decades of marriage to a narcissist, it can be very confusing and emotionally upsetting to begin a new life without their previous partner, despite all of the narcissistic abuse. For a long time, those who lived under the spell of the narcissist, were psychologically fused with him/her. Everything they did, thought, felt---revolved around this one individual. Their role was to perfectly mirror the narcissistic spouse, to feed back to him feelings of superiority, perfection and specialness.

Being married to a narcissist is a form of servitude, a marital imprisonment. When prisoners are held long in captivity in darkness and are finally freed, their eyes cannot tolerate the light of day. They put their hands over their eyes to shield them from the force of the sun. They have been unaccustomed to light and freedom of movement for so long that it is strange and even frightening to them. In many ways, the newly divorced spouse of the narcissist is like a prisoner who has recently been released into the open living air and sunlight of freedom. Now they can think their own thoughts, give voice to their own feelings, create their own dreams, assert their real selves, form their own relationships with others. This is a time of adjustment and tremendous psychological growth for many new ex-spouses. 

For ex-spouses moving through this transition, take your time, be kind to yourself. Become aware of your personal emotional and psychological needs. How do you want to lead your life each day? What are your priorities? Sorting out, rearranging, adjusting and creating a renewed identity can be aided for some by high quality psychotherapy. The renewal of solid friendships of trust is another source of strength one can count on. This is a process and doesn't happen overnight. Be patient and receptive to the generative and creative forces within you. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.