In this blog post I want to offer you some strategies for protecting yourself from Covert Narcissists. First, train yourself how to identify them. This can be difficult but pay close attention to the signature clues to their personality. Watch for false humility. You will notice that these individuals have a backwards way of bragging about themselves. In a low quiet voice they will tell you about a recent business opportunity that will bring them large sums of money, powerful people they have met who are impressed with them. All of this is said in a monotone, even a whisper. The covert narcissist is playing the double here. He or she is almost complaining that they are receiving powerful narcissistic supplies (to which they feel secretly entitled). It sounds like they are being forced into situations against their will. That is not the case. They have been chasing fame, wealth and power all of their lives. They eat, sleep and breathe pathways that will put them on top. Another aspect of this personality is identical with the classic narcissist---the need for absolute control over others. They are always in the driver's seat. They make sure to surround themselves with underlings who will protect their power position, watch their backs and provide them with the continuous unguent of adulation and praise that they expect and demand. The covert narcissist is every bit as ruthless as the classic, grandiose, over the top narcissist. The difference between them is stylistic. The covert narcissist is highly secretive, knowing every card he will play, who's holding the ace/queen and who has snake eyes. The CN is a master of the bluff. Just when you think they genuinely care about you and are off-guard, they slam you to the ground. They are not given to outbursts so that others observing them (who are not targets) are unsuspecting of their cunning understated style. Continue to remind yourself that this individual is a narcissistic personality who will not change. Regardless of his opening gambits and easy affability, beneath it all he is predatory---stalking game--you. Practice staying calm. Remember that what the CN is dishing out is a projection. The attack and ambush are not about you. They are the MO that the covert narcissist uses to maintain his inflated feelings of superiority, self entitlement and dominance over others. Limit your interactions with covert narcissists. Since there can be no genuine relationship with them, why continue the connection. If you have to interact with the CN for professional reasons, draw protective psychological boundaries around yourself, use clear verbal non-accusative statements if you are verbally attacked and congratulate yourself that you have fended off a blow from a very cagey individual--the Covert Narcissist.  To learn more about the narcissistic personality that will help you in dealing with them, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

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Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com