In many ways the covert narcissist is more difficult to recognize and harder to deal with than the over the top, grandiose, in your face classic narcissist. You will probably feel safe around the covert narcissist until your nose is bloodied. They hide behind a facade of humility and convincing fake empathy. Beneath this act is ruthlessness, cruelty, the instinct to destroy those who get in their way. Covert narcissists are highly ambitious. They plan their dirty deeds in private. These individuals are masters of social graces and geniuses of fake empathy and faux compassion. The covert narcissist appears to be one of us. This is part of his/her well polished act. He's just plain folks, salt of the earth. Oh, contraire! This person is on his game to win no matter who is destroyed in the process. Blind ambition runs through his veins day and night. He/she schemes to bring down those whom they see as rivals or are perceived as weakened by a loss of monetary power or social status. They glory in hitting people when they're down. They do it with kid gloves; you don't hear them coming. A scene that comes to mind is going through a long dark corridor on a moonless night. Ambient light is absent. You hear only the sound of your breath. You feel safe; this is familiar territory. Soundlessly creeping behind you is a dark figure. At a precise planned moment he/she strikes you to the ground with a master stroke. You fall---shocked, shattered, shaking with fear and rage. The dark figure has made his exit long before you have scrambled to your wobbly feet. This is my description of the style and destructive force of the covert narcissist. Their psychological blows linger because the covert narcissist is a double agent. You believe he is your friend, your ally but this is not the case at all. Each time you are struck and psychologically wounded you vow to distance yourself from this individual. As time elapses you review only the happy warm memories and history you believe you share with this person. Once again the covert narcissist appears---presenting himself as humble, interested in you and very sincere. You take the bait. You let down your guard. The covert narcissist clobbers you with his weapons of emotional destruction---humiliating you, pointing out his superiority over you in subtle ways that let you know that your accomplishments are minuscule. The conclusion---You have no value. You exist only as a reservoir for his source of narcissistic supplies, leaving you emotionally drained and despondent. 

There are some strategies you can use with these covert operatives. First, remember who they are---narcissistic personality disorders. They are ruthless, calculating, cunning and highly manipulative. They are not going to change----ever. Learn to remain clear about your own intrinsic value as a human being and to practice a quiet unreactive indifference to their tactics. Honor and protect yourself in every encounter with them. Don't provide them with the slightest opening to enter your private psychological space.  Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com