Narcissistic Mothers/Fathers Abandon Their Children
It is difficult for many of us to understand how a parent can abandon his/her child. In many ways all narcissists "abandon" their children by being incapable of loving them. The narcissist is so involved with himself and his life that there is no time, energy or inclination to nurture a child, even one's own.
Even when a narcissistic parent is physically present, his attention is elsewhere---on the next business deal, material acquisition, business/social event. He or she may go through limited behaviors of caring for the child but this is mechanistic and phony. Many adult children of narcissists have contacted me and shared the painful reality that their parent(s) was not psychologically and emotionally present for them. In many instances they were made to feel like nuisances and pests.
Some narcissistic parents are so cruel that they literally tell their child to "Go away; I don't have time for you." "I have important things on my mind. You are distracting me. Go outside and play." And the classic: "Leave me alone; I'm busy!" Busy, when a child needs his parent so desperately. Busy, when psychological attachment to the parent is essential for healthy development of the psychic structure. Busy, when the result of being abandoned can be devastating to this child for the rest of his life. That's the way narcissists operate. There are many cases in which the narcissistic mother or father takes a flyer---flees the scene--leaves the family and never returns. The abandoned spouse is often left with few material resources and the responsibility for raising the children completely on her/his own. Often the narcissist has found another partner with whom he has been secretly involved for some time.
In other instances, it is a burgeoning career and the prospect of fame and large sums of money that provide the perfect motivation and excuse for leaving all of his/her responsibilities behind.
I know of an example of a children's' book writer who took this route. How tragically ironic. The narcissist abandoned his children to write and publish books that entertained other peoples' children. Narcissists commit these crimes of the heart without shame, reflection or a twinge of conscience.
In many instances the powerful narcissistic tilt within our current society makes easy excuses for these individuals. If they are successful and famous---that's all that matters. Let's not bother with the wretched details of how they have treated their own children. That takes too much effort and is too "complicated."
Adult children of narcissists who were abandoned have a very tough rode ahead of them. Some stumble through their lives in various states of agony: depression, addiction, anxiety, bipolar disorder, multiple failed relationships and marriages, etc. There are adult children of narcissists who have prevailed over their very difficult psychological histories. This has often taken many years of psychotherapy, personal inner work, spiritual journeys and other forms of healing. I have heard from many of those who have walked this pathway with great courage and perseverance. I honor them. They have given all of us hope and opened our hearts more fully to the eternal pursuit of human wholeness and healing. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships, narcissist
Tags: adult children of narcissists narcissistic parents narcissistic mother abandoned children narcissistic father
My mother was an artist and a narcissist. I was the scapegoat child and my sister was the golden child. We were both left to play on our own, as mother was always "busy" in her art studio. Her art studio was inside our house, a room lined with ribbons she had won in art shows.
Fortunately for me, I had an aunt that loved and nurtured me, and I was able to survive my childhood. My favorite childhood book was "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." It was a book based on the Disney movie and my aunt bought it for me. (What would Dr. Freud say? A wicked stepmother that gazes into a mirror that tells her she's the greatest? Whoa!) I don't remember my mother reading me stories when I was a child. A simple thing like reading your child a story bonds the mother to the child, but I don't recall my mother doing that, ever.
I recall my mother as always "busy" with her art, leaving me and my sister to fend for ourselves. When I turned sixteen, I won a beauty contest. A few days after the award, I remember coming home from school, and my mother was in her art studio, painting. She had placed a picture of herself, when she was in her twenties, on a table near her drafting table where she worked. She said, "See, I was young once, too!" in a very determined tone of voice, and then she cut her eyes over to the picture of herself. I remember thinking how bizarre it all was. But now it all makes sense. Narcissists are always "busy" trying to convince you they are better, more beautiful, more important, more everything, than you are.
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Donna, reading your comment reminded me of a moment in more recent time when I was talking to my mom on the phone. She hadn't seen me in a while and essentially was trying to figure out how my "weight was". (I've always been petite and she always wishes she could be so petite.) When I responded that "oh, I'm keeping the same" she replied "well--so far". There is always the knife with a little twist!
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I truly believe that my father is narcissistic, and not only that, but he has been a gambling addict for the past seventeen years. The fact that he is a gambling addict brings out the characteristics of his narcissism even more. He started gambling when I was about nine years old. He neglected the family and basically spent all of his time at the casinoes. I realize that just because someone has an addiction, it doesn't mean that he or she is a narcissist. But in my father's case, he definitely exhibits narcissistic behavior and he has been that way long before his gambling addiction.
I actually got a long well with my father when I was a young kid. Before his gambling addiction, my father was attentive and he took interest in what I and my siblings were doing. But when I got older, and started thinking about it more, I realized that he was still selfish even though he took interest in me and my siblings. He was always worried about how we presented ourselves, and we always had to look our best in order to go out with him. Since I'm the oldest child, I, more than my siblings, experienced this kind of behavior with him. If he felt like I didn't look my best, he would embarrass me in front of other people, by calling attention to my appearance and telling me to open my mouth so he could examine my teeth right there in front of whomever happened to be around. He was definitely fixated on image and material things.
He also expected me to like whatever he liked. If I said I didn't like something, he would give me a look like there was something wrong with me. It felt like I couldn't have my own tastes.
I have stayed in contact with my father over the years, but there were periods of time when he and I didn't talk since he has basically been homeless/living in the casinos and hasn't really had a cell phone that was working since he didn't have enough money to keep up with the cell phone plan. Recently, I got tired of him calling me out of the blue, at whatever time he felt like calling, and I told him that I really didn't have much to say to him since his life is stagnant and all of our conversations center around his gambling and him telling me that he wants to visit me but before he visits he wants to win money so that he can buy things and get me things. I basically told him that there's no point in talking to him. He's a lost cause. After I told him how I felt, he cursed me out and hung up the phone. That was several weeks ago, and I really don't know if I want to hear from him again. He hasn't been a father to me for almost twenty years, since he started gambling, so it's not like I can miss what I haven't had in that many years.
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My daughter was abandoned by her father at birth. He was always into himself and his sister n law. He was so very selfish and blamed others for his mistakes. Everything that happened to him was a result of someone else. Never took responsibility for his actions and was an alcoholic. He has never seen his daughter (she's 20). After having to attend AA, he decided it would look good if he started ministering to people about christianity. Now he has decided to show what a wonderful person he is, he has stated through the grapevine that he wants to meet his daughter. The only reason he is doing this, is that he has been shamed by so many people for signing over his daughter like a piece of real estate, that this would make him a hero now. "Jack" is now all about himself again in his pursuit to change his public image.
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Some mothers are forced out of their children's lives. The fathers use the family court system to damage and abuse them until they are no longer able to mother their children. They have no choice but to walk away. I know of a mother who had to close the door on her two preschoolers because their father dragged them through court for years. She finally just gave up.
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Well, I was totally blown away with that. I told my wife and she agreed. I would like to hear whatever else you have on this. Excellent!
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