Recovery after Divorcing a Narcissistic Spouse
Being married to a narcissistic husband and wife is stressful and exhausting. On constant call, serving them and being the recipient of the narcissist's outrageous demands, temper tantrums and incessant criticisms and humiliations, saps your psychological and physical energy. Many spouses wait decades to make the final decision. They keep thinking that the narcissist will change. Many husbands and wives believe that if they make every effort with their spouse to respond to their ego needs that the narcissist will finally recognize their value and have an insight. This does not happen to narcissists as you finally know. You understand that the narcissistic personality structure is rigid like steel and is very unlike to change. You make the decision and follow through with the divorce. This is a very difficult, especially since narcissists are particularly uncooperative with this process. They roadblock and sabotage their way through the divorce. Many of them misappropriate assets in clever ways that leave the other spouse in a difficult financial situation.
After you are legally divorced from your narcissistic spouse, the work of remaking and reworking your life begins. If you have been financially and psychologically independent throughout the marriage, the transition will not be as difficult. Many spouses married to narcissists realize very early that there is no real relationship between the two of them. When the divorce comes, it is no surprise to them. Other individuals believe that they can make the relationship work (They must try harder; they tell themselves) and hold on to the shattered dream of the marriage 'til the very end. These spouses need special help maneuvering the rough waters in the aftermath of the divorce. Researching and finding a skilled psychotherapist is a good starting point. Gathering loyal friends around you for support offers an environment of emotional safety and security. Being heard and understood by these friends furthers the healing process.
Be patient with yourself. You will have rough days. Don't make harsh self judgments. You have undergone a great trauma being married to and divorcing a narcissistic spouse. The body and mind are always seeking healing and equilibrium. Work with this natural process. Pay attention to your dreams---they are wise messengers. Let yourself cry and grieve. Take time for yourself every day to meditate, journal, listen to music---whatever you do that you find to be calming and recuperative. Take care of yourself physically. Eat foods that will sustain your health and increase your energy, Exercise in the ways that are best suited to you---walking, the gym, yoga-- physical activities that you enjoy. Getting enough sleep is vital. Sleep is the great healer--a blessing and balm to the body, mind and psyche. Your life is being renewed. Be kind to yourself.
Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Categories: divorce, self help, narcissism, marriage, mental health, interpersonal relationships, narcissists
Tags: skilled psychotherapy remaking your life temper tantrums criticisms renweing your life good sleep narcissistic spouse
I am so glad I found your blog. I just started one myself. My mother and ex husband have full bown NPD. I'm still going through a nasty divorce, he has lied and hidden assets where he can causing undo financial difficulties for me. Thanks!!!
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I am glad I found this blog too. I have filed for divorce from my NPD husband. We have been married almost 9 years and I found out 6 months ago that he had been having an affair for at least 5 years..and lying about it this time...plus he has hit me on several occasions. I guess it finally "clicked" and with help from many friends, I was able to leave him. He is showing classic symptoms now...blaming me for the affairs and blaming me for getting him arrested for the abuse. He is telling everyone that I hit him and that he wanted to get counseling but that I wouldn't go...ALL LIES. I have been gone for 7 weeks now and he is still in denial of ANY wrongdoing on his part...According to him...it is all my fault...I am just now seeing how toxic this relationship is. I guess you don't or can't see it when you living it.
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I have been seperated for over a year and a 1/2 and married 30 years. My husband made me think I was crazy and my girls think the same, because he tells them. Its also my fault for are girls faults. He said if he would have taken charge of raising them they would have been better. I only found out he was a Narissist since we been seperated.
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I am in the same situation but a little different. My NPD husband is also on the down low. He not only displays all of the classic behavior but has had numerous gay affairs. I have recently been able to prove this. Unfortunately, I have been a homemaker with a job. In a numb fog.
And, he has got us deeply in debt buying everything he wants and needs to support his lifestyles. So at the moment I have to scramble to find a living wage and pay off debts so there will enough left to start over with. Ah carumba!?
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OMG I can't believe all this I'm reading, its like reading my own book. We have been through 4 bankruptcy, because he was alawys spending money on his friend and family, to look good. I don't know how he did it but he is the good guy between all our friends we had, and I'm alone
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I feel your pain....My husband has a very addictive behavior...he is an alcoholic but won't admit it..and he spends money on himself and everyone else so he can prove what a GREAT GUY he is...then he comes home and yells at me for costing him so much...I am so glad to be away from him....but it is still tough...I still miss him...but I DON'T miss all the abuse and him putting me down all the time...I have move out and filed for divorce...so I am just ready to get it over with at this point. He is still sending emails saying "I am the one with the problems..and that I have the picture painted all wrong"...so even AFTER he's been arrested for hitting me and AFTER I found PICTURES that he took of himself and his girlfriend..he is still denying it and saying that I am the one with the problem...but from all I have read...it is SO TYPICAL of a narcisstic personality...good luck to you
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I was with my narcissist husband for almost nine years but I was only married to him for 4 months. We met as teenagers and I was convinced that the early signs of narcissism were immaturity. He kept up an extremely charming and loving facade until right before we got married. Then it was as if he decided he owned me and he didn't have to care about me or my feelings anymore. As much as I thought I could help him because I felt bad that he had a bad upbringing and lack of emotional support from family. I never had a chance of changing him. I see that now. I just wish I hadn't waited so long to leave. Now I'm trying to get over the grief of losing my once wonderful relationship, the shock of realizing how horrible my husband really was, and trying to get over all the emotional abuse I suffered in the last year. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing to help get through this? He's left me with nothing and is even telling people I had an affair...and yes...he also had a severe addiction. He literally went from Mr. Wonderful to being paranoid, accusing, and berating me so I felt like I was worthless. I never saw it coming and am still shocked all of it happened. He made it so difficult to leave but I finally got out. The more time goes on...the more I realize how disfunctional it was. I'm so worried I don't even know what's normal in a relationship now. What are other people doing?
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I have been married to for 10 years and have been struggling to divorce this man for the past year. I realized that he was cheating on me when he worked out of town, as he came closer to home, my suspense of the affairs increased. My husband has been with over 12 women in the past few years, one including my neighbor across the street. He has had these affairs, I have found out, yet he still came back over and over begging me for forgiveness. As I finally realized that the marriage is over, and started to live my life, he became very violent and threatened my life as well as my children's lives. He would spit, push, shove and have angry outbursts at me when he came home from being with these other woman or if I was out and came home. It was like a sense of control. He has lost his job due to these outbursts as well. He almost has multiple personalities. Blames me for everything and now tells me to live with what I have done to his job. Now, I sit here and wait for him to finalize the divorce. He just won't let go. I have finally received notice from my judge that I can leave my house with my children and will not be financially liable for anything. I know though, once I do leave, this is going to be a never ending battle. I had an order or protection on him that has since expired and I am thinking that it may need to be initiated again. This man is crazy and I truly don't know what I did in life to deserve such a monster. As I look back on the past 17 years we have been together, he has always manipulated me and has always cheated and never was in a committed marriage. I just wish what I know now I knew back then. It is a shame that there are such monsters out there. Men who have everything and throw it all away.
I truly don't know how I have kept it together for this long. If it wasn't for my children, I would have gone off the deep end already. He cares only about himself and nobody else. He is a terrible father that takes my children around his girlfriends, only to prance them around. He uses them to show what a great father he is, when truly he is not. As soon as he comes home, he yells and screams at them.
I am hoping that the light is at the end of the tunnel. I have lived in pure misery for many many years and it is times to cut the ties and move on. Mentally, physically and financially this man has torn me apart. I don't know how much more I can take.
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Yesterday my divorce was final, after 21 years.
From 30 days after the marriage, I knew something was terribly wrong, but I was determined to 'not give up' as I was a Christian and the whole 'till death do us part'.
I didn't even know what a narcissist was until a few months ago, well after the separation. Now I see he fit every single description. Does any of this sound familiar?
* I was never cleaning enough - his obsession, but not his responsibility.
* If the house wasn't completely clean when he arrived home each morning, the kids and I had hell to pay.
* He earned tons of money, but kept it all secret and away from me and the kids while telling us he didn't have any money because he paid the house mortgage and utilies and insurance.
* He made sure all tax return refunds went into his personal checking account and I never got a penny.
* After separation, I accidentally found out he had numerous accounts from all over and transferred money between accounts like a bouncing ball on a karioke (?sp) machine.
* His personal debts are in the tens of thousands of dollars. The purchases did not go to benefit me or the children.
* Everything wrong with the marriage was my fault.
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What a blessing knowledge is! I am getting ready to leave my NPD husband of ten years for the second time. I had never researched NPD until a good friend of mine told me about it. I was utterly speechless when I finally read and understood that the behaviors my husband was placing on me and our children actually had a medical name! For years I have let myself by into his threats and his reasoning that the problems in our marriage were all my fault! I kept trying to fix myself, see what I could do differently in our marriage to make him happy and love me but never have their been results! Until now because I know he will never change. I know now that the inappropriate interactions with other women, his violent outbursts, his outlandish ego, his need to be best at everything had not a darn thing to do with me. He was abandoned by his mother in infantacy, she still doesnt acknowledge him as a son. He was raised by abusive grandparents as well. It is like he is stuck at the age of 17.. He worries about speakers in his truck, about his cell phone, which is his number one connection with other women. I can always tell when he is talking to other women. He withdraws sexually, ignores me with the silent treatment, spends more money, I mean he made it obvious, almost like he wanted me to know so I would confront him then I would be punished for not trusting him or being nosey. There was never a time it was not my fault. Never. Even his physical abuse would be blamed on me running my mouth, which sometimes I but I dont think that warranted him becoming physically violent. I know it is going to be hard to start over, I do think that part of me is addicted to him, but I know for certain now that he will never change. I have to put myself and our kids first now..
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Oh my goodness. I was divorced for just over a year with 2 kids and he thought I was wonderful mom. I had just purchased a nice house on my own, was working full time, coaching softball, and was well liked by my coworkers. He was TOO YOUNG, but he wooed me anyway and I fell for him. He was 11 years younger than me. I wasnt looking to be married, although I knew I wanted more children someday. I was 34 at the time. He was finishing college and an intern where we worked. 3 months into our relationship, we decided to get pregnant. I know! What was I thinking!?ugh. I was in love. communication seemed like it would never be an issue. During the next few years, he graduates from college, gets fired from the internship position, we have 2 more kids, a total of 3, he doesnt seem to want to get a "real" job...well one that was full time and could contribute to our family like needed and so I can be available for all my kids (5) and force him to get a job, I leave my job. (not to mention employees are being let go, our pay and hours have been cut, I have been demoted and still expected to do my other job). I have more kids, a husband that doesnt seem like he wants to take on the responsibility. I have worked part time jobs here and there over the past 12 years but come to find out a few years ago, thats not good enough. He has opened 3 checking accts in just his name, he has now taken over the bills, he refuses to give me any money, he takes the income tax refunds and says they are his, he wants me to hand over my weekly support checks from my first ex (which I refuse), he tells me I am not worthy of a christmas or bday gifts, I am fat, I am lazy, I am a black widow...wow! lets not forget, I worked and MY insurance paid for 2 of our kids births, we lived in MY house I purchased before meeting him, I sold MY house to pay off all our debts accumulated from 2000 to 2005. I paid off his car balance, I bought him another car and it was shipped from Florida then he refused to sell the 1st car to put the money back into our account. The money I made from the sale of my home was depleted within 1-1/2 years. House sale was 75,000 more than I owed. Yes, I had debts to pay but I still dont know where $30,000 of that really went.
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Just would like to thank each of you woman for your stories, I will put you all in my prayers. You have all made me feel like I'm not alone, but it is still hard, and I too have some feelings for this man I am married too.
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Time, family, friends, make things all clearer and you will see "YOU" deserve only happiness and "he" just doesnt cut it no matter how much you care about him.
Keep looking ahead. focus on family, friends and YOUR happiness.
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