Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
I have been getting emails from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a long time. These life stories are moving; they are filled with expressions of deep psychological pain experienced over many decades. In so many instances these children have suffered deprivation and psychological and emotional abuse of all kinds since they were small children. Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Some of these mothers appear to have a deep devotion to their child. In these cases the narcissistic mother finds certain qualities and talents in her child that can be developed to enhance her image and provide her with an unending source of bragging rights and narcissistic supplies. Having a gorgeous daughter, academically gifted son or daughter, standout athlete, pumps up the family image of perfection and high achievement. The narcissistic mother watches everyone turning to her as the source of such extraordinary progeny.
In this post I am speaking directly to those adult children of narcissistic mothers who are still suffering from the mother wound---the legacy of having a parent who is incapable of love, who cares only about herself and exploits and controls her children to satisfy her rapacious ego needs. I am reaching out to those who grew up in this highly dysfunctional and hurtful family constellation to stop blaming yourselves for the cruelties, coldness and traumas heaped upon you by your narcissistic mother. No matter what sacrifice you make, how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change your narcissistic parent.
What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual who has endured and survived a very brutal childhood. Don't expect most people to understand how deeply you have suffered. I find that very few individuals comprehend the pain of others unless they have consciously experienced deprivation and psychological pain in their childhoods and have worked hard with will and perseverance to unlock and heal these childhood traumas through quality psychotherapy or other healing modalities. You are no longer alone as you were as a small child at the mercy of a narcissistic mother. You now have options and pathways to transform psychological pain, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve----filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Categories: family, self help, daughters, sons, narcissism, mental health, narcissistic mothers
How this article/entry resonates with myself, I am fortunate in that I was able to realise some years ago that I needed to exorcise the demons in me put there by my NMother, and I am happy to say I am healing, I have taken back my life, and I aim to continue in this vein, its not easy and even though my NMother is now dead I still miss her, which I think is strange, however I also know she can no longer hurt me, ridicule me, lie about me, or interfere in my relationships. The scars go deep, but they can be erased. I am certain of this.
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N (n-monster) is almost 90 yrs old. She is still lying, abusing, etc. When she finally dies, I don't think it will bother me much because I have already grieved the non-mother. Actually that might be a freeing day, since there will be one last evil in this world. However, she is an emotional vampire and lives off of the souls of others...so who knows she might live for quite a few more years.
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There is an idea in our culture that above all a child wants love. I appreciate your post because, in reality, above all a child requires healthy love. What I always wanted, growing up with a N Mother, was the truth (which I already knew in my gut): she didn't love me and I knew it because it didn't feel like she loved me. The message, though, was always "come on now, your mother loves you,". It was like I was crazy (but in reality, I wasn't: I knew the truth). I was not crazy (though, my family would suggest that I was/am). "Crazy" is insisting to a child that knows the truth that they are wrong. So many confusing messages, so many lies, so much that she missed out on!
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I have a daughter-in-law that is mean, self-centered and angry. She does not limit this to me, but to everyone she meets. The only relationships she is able to maintain are those who only talk with her by email. Otherwise she eventually looses everyone. Unfortunately for my grand daughters she is know to throw out their toys, horde clothes, and has no playroom for the girls, instead has a "DIVA Room" in which she has a disaster of hording clothes, shoes by the hundred and jewlery. She treats me horribly. I have tried everything to try and get along with her. The only time she gets along with me is around her birthday or christmas. Otherwise she doesnt deal with me. Told me that I annoy her. Oh and the other times are when she needs a babysitter. She has created a divide in my family. This has been going on for 8 long years. My son has tried to help and she is stubborn and self absorbed.
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My mother is a very cold woman to me. She always favored my brothers. After her favorite son left, she latched onto my other brother. Much left out. He is just a cold and self centered as she is. I am excluded from the family. belittled by my brothers especially 'him' he does no wrong and he's a piece of shit using her and pushing the rest of her so called children away. She expects top of the line gifts. Works a good job, and has handicapped us all, along with her Loser husband with bipolar, skitzo, psycho and his mother also. I have been told on several occasions. I am not wanted around. She is jealous of me. TOO BAD! I'm tired of her buring me and competing with me all these years. She's mentally sick and starts many arguements with me vs my brothers. Yes i am female. They call her names, that she retarded, mental yet she holds a government job. It's sick. I'm ready to throw in the towel. Sorry to others going through this as well. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I want to rip her effin hair out of her scalp!
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