Truth is more powerful than fiction when we are discussing narcissistic mothers. They come in all varieties and levels of venality, coldness and cruelty. I have communicated with a number of children who were "raised" by narcissistic mothers. Their stories are both heartbreaking and often inspiring. The narcissistic mother cannot psychologically attach to her child. She goes through the motions and deals with her son or daughter's physical needs. She is a pretend mother. Some narcissistic mothers don't even bother with the basics. They immediately find someone else to take care of their baby--whether it is a 24/7 nanny, a daycare center,  a neighbor or distant relative. Some of these children report that they were sent away  to school when they were very young---as early as the age of four. No reasons were given. At a particular time, based on the narcissistic mother's personal timing and her self absorbed needs, a decision is made, a decree comes down and the child is shipped out to be cared for by hired strangers. Some boarding school kids are not welcome to come home even during the holidays and vacations. This sounds like a Jane Eyre theme but this is not a novel. It is true real life suffering of an innocent young child. This happens more often than many of us want to believe. The bottom line in this form of narcissistic cruelty is rejection and abandonment. The message from mother to her child is: "I don't love you or want you. You are worthless; I'm sending you away."

Another narcissistic mothering style is that of the woman who is constantly insinuating herself on her child's life. From birth onward these children have no psychological breathing space. Everything revolves around mother as she molds them into her perfect puppets. The word that comes to mind is control.  She is in command of her husband who takes on the role of another child. He has been completely emasculated by his narcissistic wife. 

It is traumatic enough to spend your childhood under the iron hand of a narcissistic mother--enduring the coldness and lack of meaningful contact, the chronic cruel criticisms and withering humiliations--but the abuse often continues into adult life. The narcissistic mother continues her relentless offensive of manipulation, perfidy, betrayal and ruthlessness. In effect, she is saying: "You cross me and there will be hell to pay. Do it my way or else."   

Children of narcissistic mothers cannot let these pathological individuals diminish and attempt to destroy their lives. They have sustained grave psychological childhood wounds. Many of these children have spent years searching deep inside themselves and working with professionals tto help them through the process of healing from these highly dysfunctional relationships. It is essential that these children set up psychological boundaries that the narcissistic mother cannot cross. In some instances the narcissistic mother will not stop her outrageous intrusions upon her child's (children's) lives. Keeping a physical and communication distance may become a necessary move in separating yourself from the toxicity of the narcissistic mother. In some instances contact between the narcissistic mother and her child/children must be completely stopped. Children of narcissistic mothers must use these means in order to progress and grow in their lives and function and thrive in an environment of psychological freedom and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com