Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-New Year's Resolution
In this blog post I am addressing all of those who grew up with narcissistic parents, particularly a narcissistic mother. I frequently hear from these daughters who were trapped in the family wars and have the healing wounds to prove it. The narcissistic mother is without mercy and empathy. Those narcissistic mothers who give their daughters a lot of "attention" have their own selfish motives. They are creating the perfect child who will become the narcissistic supply for them the rest of their lives. Mother has modeled a living example of her superiority and perfection. When children are very young, their very existence and sense of reality depends on how they are treated and how they are conditioned by their parents. Narcissistic mothers often fuse psychologically with their young daughters. The little child is not allowed to breathe without turning to mother. She is encased in the emotional prison her mother has created. Mother's message: "As long as you do, think, feel, and achieve everything that I expect and demand of you, I will accept you and love you (on my terms.") "If you do not obey me, you will be discarded, punished beyond your endurance, and purposely alienated from your siblings and your father." The father in this scenario is often too mesmerized by the primal narcissistic mother to have a clue about the horrendous psychological damage his spouse is perpetrating on their child. Some of these spouses are like children themselves, dependent on the all-powerful narcissistic wife/mother who has emasculated them long ago.
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers become narcissists---miniatures of the pathological mother. Other daughters suffer throughout childhood , always out of step with the cruel manipulations of their narcissistic mothers. They pay a heavy price for their unwillingness to go along with mother's pathological child raising recipe. Some of these daughters tell me that they spent most of their childhood learning how to become invisible. They hid in their room, reading, listening to music. As they got older, they were away from the house as much as possible, visiting friends, sitting in public libraries,going to movies alone or just wandering around by themselves, doing anything to avoid mother--the fire tongued dragon blocking the cave's entrance. These daughters often leave home permanently as soon as they can. Some find solace, mental freedom and emotional breathing space in college. Other daughters marry early to escape further abuse. Some become entangled in a maze of substance abuse and dysfunctional relationships with men. Quite often these daughters marry narcissistic men and discover they are repeating with them the entrenched familiar psychological cycles and patterns of their family of origin--moving from narcissistic mother to narcissistic spouse.
If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother---you have survived a very difficult journey. Give yourself love and credit for the fine woman you have become despite all the odds. As you look forward to the year ahead and all of those to follow, take stock, embrace and celebrate the individual you have become and are becoming every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers become narcissists---miniatures of the pathological mother. Other daughters suffer throughout childhood , always out of step with the cruel manipulations of their narcissistic mothers. They pay a heavy price for their unwillingness to go along with mother's pathological child raising recipe. Some of these daughters tell me that they spent most of their childhood learning how to become invisible. They hid in their room, reading, listening to music. As they got older, they were away from the house as much as possible, visiting friends, sitting in public libraries,going to movies alone or just wandering around by themselves, doing anything to avoid mother--the fire tongued dragon blocking the cave's entrance. These daughters often leave home permanently as soon as they can. Some find solace, mental freedom and emotional breathing space in college. Other daughters marry early to escape further abuse. Some become entangled in a maze of substance abuse and dysfunctional relationships with men. Quite often these daughters marry narcissistic men and discover they are repeating with them the entrenched familiar psychological cycles and patterns of their family of origin--moving from narcissistic mother to narcissistic spouse.
If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother---you have survived a very difficult journey. Give yourself love and credit for the fine woman you have become despite all the odds. As you look forward to the year ahead and all of those to follow, take stock, embrace and celebrate the individual you have become and are becoming every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 1/2/2010 1:45 PM 
Categories: self help, family relationships, narcissism, narcissistic mother, mental health, narcissists
Tags: narcissistic mothers narcissistic supply daughters of narcissistic mothers
Categories: self help, family relationships, narcissism, narcissistic mother, mental health, narcissists
Tags: narcissistic mothers narcissistic supply daughters of narcissistic mothers
Hi Linda, You have described me beautifully. I am a survivor who finally has found my voice through much inner grief work through journaling, songwriting and poetry, and blogging to help other survivors--I finally found inner peace when deciding to go no contact with my narcissistic mother, enabling father who always takes her side, and 3 narcissistic siblings. I have a degree in child and family services and raised my kids the opposite of how I was raised--proud to break the cycle of abuse. I am 49 now. My children are 23 and 20 and we are very close. My problem is somehow my mother got my son's cell phone number and has called him and cried to him about how cruel I am not to speak to her anymore. He is a kindhearted person and feels bad for her even though he knows how much pain she has caused me. I know she is thrilled to have gotten her foot in the door with him and he listened to her--she knows it will hurt me if she starts a relationship with him. She is a master manipulator and controlled me with fear guilt and shame my whole life until I broke free recently. My question is, is it right for me to ask my son to stop answering her calls. He doesn't understand the harm in just having a superficial relationship with her. This has opened a very painful wound for me and I feel so protective of myself and my family--my worst fear is that she will convince him that she is the innocent victim and that I am just "too sensitive". He reassures me that nothing she says will come between us but just hearing that he talked to her on the phone makes me sick to my stomach. She raped my soul with no remorse over and over and out of fear and guilt we had low contact with them--my kids seeing them once a year with everyone on their good behavior only--this is all he knows except for my stories of emotional abuse which he empathizes. Lately though he has been trying to fix it and say but did you try this or did you say this--and believe me I tried it all--gave her way too many benefits of the doubt over way too many years. No contact happened when I got sick after a particularly negative visit--the stress of my no-win relationship with her has caused me a severe case of adrenal fatigue which I am finally healing from with no contact with any of them since January 2010. She doesn't care about my health at all and this was the last straw. I have to take care of myself and I found my anger and my voice and my dreams are finally happening--with my writing my songs, and life coaching other survivors. I feel I should have all the answers but this one has got me stumped. Please help me if you can. I want my son to stay away from her. (My daughter is 20 and is relieved to be free from the empty relationships). Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you for your helpful articles.
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Hi Linda, I am writing to say that the dilemma in the above comment resolved itself beautifully within days. After talking to my son soon after I wrote this, it was clear that he didn't want to be part of the rejection of his grandmother but also didn't know what to say to her. Knowing that she really only wanted to get him against me to manipulate me, I told him to go ahead and talk to her if he must but to please not to talk to her about "me" and to kindly say "Grandma, that is between you and my mother." He was very relieved to be prepared to have something ready to say to her. Sure enough when she called and cried about me, he said this very thing and he told me that immediately she was no longer interested in talking to him. This helped him to see the truth about her, that she really wasn't calling because she cared about him, her grandson. She never called him again and he found out the sad truth for himself--his grandmother is a malignant narcissist. All is well now with no contact--a new healthy life with my husband and 2 wonderful grown children and the new emotionally healthy friends we are making as I heal and help others to heal. Rosy
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