This metaphor applies to those who are and have shared their lives with narcissistic spouses. Deluded by their magnetic image, our belief that we are special to them and their innumerable empty promises, many women and men become their willing psychological prisoners. They have taken the irresistible bait, drunk the potion of the narcissist’s grand delusion.   

 For many spouses of narcissists, the thought of living without him or her is intolerable. Our minds run through all the what ifs: “If I had been more patient with him, had loved him more, we would still be together.” “I needed to understand him/her better and forgive. Then our marriage would have worked.”  “Why didn’t I change? There is something seriously the matter with me. I am to blame for the breakup of our marriage.” It is true that there is something the matter with all of us. We all carry within us a certain level of psychopathology. But that doesn’t mean that we must remain imprisoned in a narcissistic relationship that is making us emotionally, psychologically and physically ill and destroying our chances of using our creative potential and entitlement to inner peace.  

Often the narcissistic spouse provides the opening. After years of womanizing and leading a double or triple life the narcissist flatly announces that the marriage is over; he/she has found someone whom he loves and is severing the marriage immediately. This comes as a mortal blow to many partners. At first, living without the narcissist we feel a painful void. For others it is a relief—the end of a battle royale that has been waged for decades. For these individuals it is like finding an oasis in a scorching desert.  

After separation and divorce the opportunity for moving toward the light of a different consciousness and self identity becomes clearer and compelling. For the first time those married to narcissists can take a full psychological breath. No one is looking over their shoulder, criticizing each move, manipulating and intimidating them at every turn. Facing the light is both a psychological cleansing and a healing. New thoughts arise, hope’s tendrils grow inside, creative momentum gains speed, the reawakening of  the authentic self provides us with feelings of emotional solidity and optimism. The healing waters of life are flowing fully through us. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

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Email: lmlphd@thenracissistinyourlife.com