Narcissists Cannot Be Your Friends
Narcissists often appear to be friendly. They are socially skilled and can be very articulate. With their confidence and glibness, the narcissist knows how to work a room and many individuals. One paradox of the narcissist is that he or she knows precisely how to manipulate and play people. At the same time they have no insight into themselves, no self wisdom. It is tempting to become friends with a high level narcissist who is very successful. If the narcissist favors us, he promises us a special position among his admirers.
Never believe anything the narcissist is telling you. Many people are fooled by the narcissist's larger than life dazzle, his success in the world and over the top lifestyle. There is a part of us that is drawn to people who are very successful; we want to be part of the grand show. When a narcissist wants to become your "friend" he or she long ago decided what your role would be in fulfilling his ego satisfactions.
In order to be a genuine friend, the two parties must be capable of empathy, the ability to project ourselves into how someone else is feeling; to put ourselves in someone else's place. The narcissist is completely lacking in this personality trait. Without empathy there can be no relationship and certainly no authentic friendship. To learn more about the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with them successfully, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, narcissists, friendship
Tags: ego satisfactions no empathy friendships
Unfortunately, I had a best friend (female) who I later realized was a narcissist. She and I were inseperable (because she didn't want me out of her sight) for 3 years. When I began to have interests outside of our "friendship" she launched a smear campaign the likes I have never seen before. She caused me physical harm concerning my stomach ulcer because of her constant drama. She believed everyone was after her, including me. Ridiculous! Of course, I now know there was NEVER a real friendship between she and I. I just fulfilled a role she wanted me to play and when I refused to continue playing that role and be my own person she began spreading reputation-ruining rumors (flat-out lies!) about me to anyone who would listen. I haven't seen her in 7 years but she still stirs up rumors about me. You would think she would have found a new target by now. Of course, it doesn't help the situation that I married a very good looking/loving man who just so happens to have a bunch of money. She had demanded I break it off with him when he and I first started dating and when I didn't she just couldn't control her angry outbursts towards me anymore. When she screamed at me that there was no way she could ever be jealous of me, when I hadn't even said anything about her being jealous, I knew then she was incredibly jealous. This was a very happy time in my life and she couldn't bare to see me happy, so she tried her best to destroy my happiness. First by telling my boyfriend/husband that no guys ever liked me (a lie & then a degrading remark about me), then she tried to steal him from me by walking around in her underwear in front of him but when she couldn't crack him, that's when she demanded I cut ties with him. Just unbelievable how sad and crazy her behavior is, mind you she had a fiance at this time.......her 4th!! (she was only 23)
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Yes narcissists DO make terrible friends! The narcissist in my life was a friend of my boyfriend’s. She nearly ruined our relationship because my boyfriend P was unable to see the extent of the things she did to make me feel uncomfortable and excluded. P was a narcissistic supply and he in turn liked having the attention of an attractive woman (blonde, huge breast implants). I saw how she was fun when she was getting male attention. Miss N liked to make me feel uncomfortable and once when visiting decided to show P some things on the laptop. She was almost sitting on top of him and they were laughing and having a great time. I saw she was showing him porn and finally a disgusting video of a woman defecating. P was drunk and can barely (or selectively) remember that incident. Miss N didn’t drink so that’s not as an excuse. Of course P and I fought over that incident because while he admits it was totally inappropriate he was defensive when I questioned what Miss N’s motives were for her behavior? He seemed to comply with her wishes without really questioning what was really going on. I believe she got off on causing problems in our relationship. She wanted me to question their friendship so I would look like an idiot as they definitely weren’t sleeping together. Miss N talked constantly about herself, was adept at putting others down and often spoke of other women who were jealous of her. She had even been fired from a job supposedly because the office manager was jealous. She wasn’t intelligent however was very good at getting men to feed her huge ego and get them to do what she wanted. Thankfully P got a job overseas and distanced himself from her because of some other incidents. After a year of being overseas we got engaged. When Miss N heard about our engagement and that she wasn’t invited to the wedding she sent an email to P. She ranted that I was jealous and he should be standing up for her and telling me to ‘show some respect for their 8 year friendship’. She actually didn’t get that P had distanced himself from her for 12mths. Now that P wasn’t giving her (and the ego) preferential treatment, she couldn’t cope. It was a big blow to her vanity. P told me to ignore the email but I was incensed. I replied to her presenting a totally united front which she had never gotten from us before. She sent a really nasty email back saying she knows P ‘would never disrespect me or our friendship’. She accused me of sending the email behind P’s back. Laughable but very disconcerting. P said she was ‘deluded’. I was relieved she was stupid enough to put her true (not very nice) self into writing. We blocked her email address and have had no more contact since. Thank God! What doesn’t make sense is why she was so envious of us? But to understand this, you have to have known a narcissist. A narcissist cannot be a true friend. People exist only to provide them with the ego boost, attention, special treatment they believe they deserve.
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I find that after months (no, really years) of me having a one-sided friendship (me doing most of the work), I am still working through the grief process of letting my former friend go.
We have been co-workers at our part-time retail job for 15+ years. We used to be neighbors and we grew very close over the past several years through illness, disappointments, and just generally sharing w/each other personal things that we didn’t share with others. My friend has been married a number of times and I have not. We have different backgrounds & her connection to her parents was/is much less close than mine. Nevertheless, I didn’t judge her on her past or our differences and we remained close until I started seeing some major changes in her this past summer.
She’s been dating a guy for over 5 years and while I suspected he was a player, I never voiced any concerns about him to her. Our friendship remained strong even during the first years of their relationship. But, I continued to try to keep our friendship going, all the while realizing that her boyfriend was controlling her more & more. She even made comments that confirmed my belief that he didn’t want her to spend time with her kids or anyone else for that matter (that would include me).
I tried talking to her about her behavior which was becoming angry towards me, coworkers and life in general. But, it wasn’t other people that were her problem, it was/is her controlling guy. I put up with months of her hot/cold behavior and grew to dread the nights we worked together. I think a supervisor eventually talked to her about her attitude because she’s been a whole lot better towards co-workers (including me) since the first of the year. But, I also decided that Jan. 1 was a new beginning for myself. I had put in way too much time & energy into this friendship. Even if the blame can be placed on a manipulative (emotionally & verbally abusive) boyfriend, it is still HER choice to remain with this man. I distanced myself from her and her issues and no longer call her just to chat like I used to. She has called me a few times but I think she knows there’s a difference now. Whether she will realize she has few friends now is up to her because she has caused her own problems with others.
I’m now in the process of making new friendships or cultivating existing acquaintances into friendships because my hurt & disappointment with my former friend was simply too hard to continue to deal with. I still hurt at times from knowing that things will never be the same between us, but there are some women who have to have a man in their life at all times. My former friend is one of those people. Sadly, those kinds of women don’t make for good friendships because they see more value in having a guy (even a bad one) than cherishing their friendships with others.
In the end, I feel like I’ve made the right choice in this as I’d be a fool to believe she would change without therapy & she isn’t ready to seek th
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