Narcissistic Mothers-Scapegoated Daughters
One of the most painful psychological themes that I am hearing is that of the scapecoated daughter of a narcissistic mother. The narcissistic mother is ruler of her children and her spouse. She is cold, insensitive, unempathic, manipulative, ruthless and conniving. One might ask: Why does a narcissistic woman have children? Not because she will love them but to use them as narcissistic supplies that provide her with endless bragging rights. Her children are props that swell her enormous ego like her fine jewelry, well cut suits, shoe collections, sexual conquests, career advancements, etc.
As little children these daughters suffer horribly. They are prisoners within their own homes. HIding in their rooms, crying alone, reading endlessly to fill their minds with anything but their mother's screams, these daughters have no life of their own. Narcissistic mothers are highly intrusive. It is not unusual for them to secretly scour their daughter's room when she is out or at school. She wants to know her secrets and then use them as ammunition for greater abuse. Narcissistic mothers can go in the other direction of ignoring their daughters altogether and leaving them completely unprotected. They prefer their boyfriends and women friends and the many parties they attend to their children. For a narcissist, a daughter is a burden unless she can be used. Some narcissistic mothers even use their daughters as male magnets for themselves. This is a perverse and highly immoral role some narcissistic mothers play. Their daughters become sexual bait. These mothers cross the line to sociopathy since they have no regard for their daughter's psychological or physical safety.
The scapegoated daughter has a difficult time respecting herself. In some instances, other family members, grandmothers, grandfathers, fathers, aunts, nannies, babysitters, adult female friends can help to fill the void left by the narcissistic mother. Some daughters spend their lives repairing the psychological damage they have sustained. The palliative destructive answers of alcohol, drugs and sex can take daughters on lengthy detours that lead nowhere.
Many daughters find their way. using their intellectual and emotional intelligence to persevere and carve out a life for themselves. They find solace in education. I have known scapegoated women who worked by day and went to school at night for over twenty years to advance themselves. That is dedication and character. There are daughters who benefit a great deal from skilled psychotherapy. Through the therapeutic process,they recognize and feel the pit of their maternal loss, work it through and learn how to love and mother themselves. Psychological healing takes place all of our lives, whether we are seeing a therapist or not. We are the healer and the healed. We are the mother and the mothered. Ultimately, we are not our mothers; we are ourselves. Time for a victory lap! Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
As little children these daughters suffer horribly. They are prisoners within their own homes. HIding in their rooms, crying alone, reading endlessly to fill their minds with anything but their mother's screams, these daughters have no life of their own. Narcissistic mothers are highly intrusive. It is not unusual for them to secretly scour their daughter's room when she is out or at school. She wants to know her secrets and then use them as ammunition for greater abuse. Narcissistic mothers can go in the other direction of ignoring their daughters altogether and leaving them completely unprotected. They prefer their boyfriends and women friends and the many parties they attend to their children. For a narcissist, a daughter is a burden unless she can be used. Some narcissistic mothers even use their daughters as male magnets for themselves. This is a perverse and highly immoral role some narcissistic mothers play. Their daughters become sexual bait. These mothers cross the line to sociopathy since they have no regard for their daughter's psychological or physical safety.
The scapegoated daughter has a difficult time respecting herself. In some instances, other family members, grandmothers, grandfathers, fathers, aunts, nannies, babysitters, adult female friends can help to fill the void left by the narcissistic mother. Some daughters spend their lives repairing the psychological damage they have sustained. The palliative destructive answers of alcohol, drugs and sex can take daughters on lengthy detours that lead nowhere.
Many daughters find their way. using their intellectual and emotional intelligence to persevere and carve out a life for themselves. They find solace in education. I have known scapegoated women who worked by day and went to school at night for over twenty years to advance themselves. That is dedication and character. There are daughters who benefit a great deal from skilled psychotherapy. Through the therapeutic process,they recognize and feel the pit of their maternal loss, work it through and learn how to love and mother themselves. Psychological healing takes place all of our lives, whether we are seeing a therapist or not. We are the healer and the healed. We are the mother and the mothered. Ultimately, we are not our mothers; we are ourselves. Time for a victory lap! Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 11/14/2009 1:45 PM 
Categories: self help, daughters, narcissism, mental health, narcissists, narcissistic mothers
Tags: ruthless narcissistic mother scapegoat daughter manipulative
Categories: self help, daughters, narcissism, mental health, narcissists, narcissistic mothers
Tags: ruthless narcissistic mother scapegoat daughter manipulative
The theme of narcissism has run throughout the foundation of my life like a vein of gold laced with poison. I have dealt with it with rolled up sleeves time and time again in my life, and yet, it recurs. However, each time, I become more aware, each time shorter under the spell. I see this as a life process for me, one of turning bad karma into good with the goal being that at the end of my life, I will have broken the spell. I'm almost there. I can feel it. Your book continues to inspire me and I am glad to have found your website. Will visit often. I bow and say thank you for your life's work.
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I can't tell you how glad I am to find this article. I was the scapegoated daughter. My mother punished me for asking for protection from aggressive siblings. She humiliated me when I was a teenager. I have PTSD and can barely function. I'm doing my best. Sadly, my family does not understand or accept that I was abused.
I have been trying to overcome the damage for thirty years and am finally making some headway thanks to a new social awareness of narcissism in families. And information like this.
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It feels good to have some validation, doesn't it? Unfortunately, the family of origin, extended family or family friends will not give support to our cause. It's just part of the syndrome. It's NOT you.
Time to celebrate and develop the woman you always knew was inside you and stop trying to please or expose yourself to those that find pleasure in hurting you. It's not easy, believe me, I know.
Daughters are supposed to be protected and loved in their families. That's why we kept going back. We always hoped that, one day, that would happen. But, they knew that, too. That's how they kept a hold over our lives. Don't bother trying to explain it to them. It won't work. The fear of exposure only turns up the heat. Either limit your contact, be sure those who love you are always with you when they are around, or stay far away.
Best of Luck to you. You CAN do it!
(((HUGS)))
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I too was the scapegoat Daughter, all through my life I thought I was at fault that I must be a bad person, sometimes it seemed I was getting close to my late Mother, only to be rejected and humiliated again and again, she would give the impression she cared,then nothing, she actually told me one year on my birthday that she hated me always had and had been trying to destroy me, I couldn't comprehend how a mother could hate her child, but she did hate me and right up to her dying day she did all she could to destroy me, she didn't succeed I am stronger than she realised, I think to grow up as a child or a NMother one has to be strong. I started working on healing myself some 10 years ago I knew that problems in adult lives stem from ones childhood, and I went from there, I have to admit I didn't actually realise I had been abused, I know though that I was, it hurt to accept that I had a Mother who was cold and uncaring who lied to people about me, played my brothers and I against one another, took my attributes and replaced them with her own, slandered my name and character to any and everyone she could, and this was how it was until she died, however I am free now, and I am so grateful for having the sense to know that I needed to resolve my childhood issues, when I did because it has meant I am now mostly over the effects of the cruelty and abuse I endured at the hands of a woman who was incapable of affection or love for her child. If you are a scapegoat please know its not your fault you aren't to blame, you are the victim of someone who is sick and evil, I recommend you get away from that person, sever your ties, because she wont change she doesn't want to, you're her plaything, and all you'll do is end up being hurt by the woman who is meant to love you the most, she wont change, but you can make it alone, you're worthwhile and decent, you don't deserve the life you will be led under the control of your NMother. I vowed I would never treat any child of mine in the way I was treated and I thank God I was able to adhere to that. I wouldn't wish a scapegoats life on anyone. its a living nightmare. God bless anyone who is in this situation at this time, you are not alone, and you are loved by the Daughters of NMothers worldwide, we are your sisters. don't forget this, its time this topic became well known and through blogs and sites such as this it will, and who knows maybe one day it will stop, we can but pray. Love and Peace to All Marianne.
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I would love to see a book written specifically on behalf of adult children who survived a narcissistic mother. It could help younger children cope,help someone "stuck" going through the process,while also educating the general public. Its a hard won beautiful journey that digs deeply in a persons soul to find a level of enlightenment that should be shared with others. Sadly,most of us aren't willing to share what it took to get us there. If you try....most people cant get past the OMG factor and forever look at you with sympathy. And/or write you off as damaged goods." Damaged goods because they cannot imagine surviving something so cold. They are projecting "their" fear on you! Thats the real loss to humanity as a whole. I don't know about anyone else but I don't want that! The details ARE disturbing. I wish for people to look at the bigger picture and find the same level of inner peace. The understanding gained from such traumatic experiences...either by experience or understanding...very well could supply the tools to wipe out a lot of heartache for many people. A book would be a great catalyst and provide emotional well being for many. I have had more than one person give me a look of amazement border lining on fear and ask "how do you deal with that." Its not that you "deal" with it. You grow as a person from it.....
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I have only just realised that I have a nacissistic mother. I am so angrey with her that I want to inflict the same mental torment I suffered right back at her. Of course I know this is not going help or even work as she is a master at manipulation and will only use this as a way to inflict more pain onto me. However I wwas ondering, how people have responded when you have told them about your mum. I feel society has this silent rule that every mother has that basic nuturing instinct therefore does the best she can for her kids. Our mothers are so twisted and evil it's hard for to comprehend. My boyfriend has listened to me but I can sense his doubt as my mum for him appears normal. He said that everyone has times where their mum has been a bit difficult and to just get over it.
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Just found this blog, I read them for strength to keep strong although I do have some support. I strongly agree with the above, there needs to be more openness about the problem this may also help narcissistic mothers to reconise the damage they are doing. Basically, I never realized until 4 years ago that my mother is a narcissist although I knew she was emotionally cold etc. I was shocked when her true self as revealed towards me came to the fore when I disagreed with her and she twisted what I'd said using verbal bullying until I rang her and acquiesced. One of my brothers said her mask had slipped a few times and that he knows it's true. Basically, she is a bullying narcissist who hides things very well by making herself a 'victim' and using adhomen argument. The first time she did this, she told me that I knew my friend was living with a boyfriend, when I told her that I never and that she knew because she went to work early and saw him coming out of the house, she was livid I disagreed with her and I told her she was wrong, she then said about a love bite I had sustained in school to embarrass me and reveal it to my husband. my husband wasn't bothered but because she is a very jealous person, she thought it would cause me some pay back. my father was gob smacked and said that she always does that to him but he'd never seen it done to anyone else. Another time, because I rebuffed her when she twisted what I had said, she upped the anti to a shocking level which ended in her sending me a letter telling me that I was paranoid (this is what my sister is called although she displays more traits of it than my sister). When I wrote back and told her that I have a loving husband and I'm sure he would notice if I was paranoid, she finally wrote back telling me that we would call it a day if we were going to argue and that we'd had some nice times. I felt really ill, the letters were emotionally devastating to me, the thought of losing all my family when we were on the brink of moving nearer also was partly why I had to ring her and assure her I didn't now see her as an old lady as she had said to me. We'll just go back to how we were before she told me. Several years later, she had been trumping up some charges and making herself a victim so that my husband was verbally attacked in front 0f my brother and family at his house at xmas. I can only assume this was because she wants it to look like his fault that I won't go out with her on my own. When I went to see her about it she tried to stop me speaking and did her adhomen argument only this time she used my sister in law whom I'd never had words with. I told her a home truth and she physically attacked me and tried to trap me but my father positioned himself and I ran out. I have no doubt whatsoever, at the least, had I had to push past her, she would have said that I had done something to an old lady. As I ran out, she said "you're not my daughter anymore,you're (my husband's name
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I am 61 years old with an 85 year old narcissistic/martyr mother. Sadly it has taken me my entire life to finally accept the fact that she has never loved nor nurtured me. My brothers are golden in her eyes, even though I was always the one there for her. I recently told her of the sexual/physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my older brother and her reply was "oh please I know your brother would never do that, stop lying." At 17 my family moved across the country after my graduation. In this new place I had no family, no friends, no job, no transportation and no support system at all. One day about 3 weeks after moving my mother packed my tiny bag and handed me $40 dollars and told me to leave that she and my father didn't want me there any longer. I know people reading this probably think I must have done something terrible to create this situation but the truth is I did nothing, I was a good girl, respectful of my parents. I was terrified and alone. I met a young man who later became my husband and his mother, who didn't know me at all, let me live with the family, giving me a bed in his sister's room. I thank God every day for her compassion. I could have ended up a prostitute or drug user had it not been for her generosity. Still after all this and after the birth of my first child I maintained a relationship with my parents. Through my entire adult life there were instances of cruelty and disrespect and I just kept trying harder to please her. Five months ago Mother's Day or to be more specific, one month before Mother's Day, I asked her if she would like to go out with me and have dinner. She told me she didn't make plans that far in advance. Two weeks later I again asked her about dinner and she told me she had accepted a dinner invitation with my brother and sister-in-law. This in itself I could have overlooked, it was hurtful but I could have moved on had it not been the eighth holiday in a row she had done this to me. I could go on and on and on with this type of hurtful behavior. I liken this to someone hitting me in the head with a brick. I should have had a clue when she would charge me to babysit her own grandchild. I am a relatively intelligent woman but still I kept going back. Finally, I had enough. I have decided to respect myself enough to do what is best for me and what is best for me is to walk away from this cruel woman. It has been five months since I last spoke with her. Not surprisingly, she has never attempted to call me, in her world the phone only dials one way. I would just tell any young woman out there dealing with a mother like this, don't waste precious years trying to please her or trying to make her love you, it will never happen.
Love yourself, take care of your own needs and try to be happy. I wish I had not wasted my valuable time on this selfish cruel woman.
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I am so sorry to hear your story. How sad for you to have endured such abuse at the hands of your own mother. I agree with your advice for young women facing this same thing. I am 54 and stopped contact with my mother on mothers day weekend of this year. It was the best thing I ever did. No regrets only relief. Honestly until my 54th birthday it never occurred to me that I could just walk away, that I even had a choice. I only regret that I didn't do it when I was 18. I have wasted so much time and energy trying to make her love me. Something she isn't even capable of. Hurray for you! I hope you are enjoying your new found freedom as much as I am!!
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So nice to hear from a kindred soul. Good for you, you will be so much happier. I know I have been.
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Its nice to know that I'm not alone. Reading these stories reassures me.
I am 41 & I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 years or so. I don't actually know how long its been, as I've been drifting away from her for yrs.
My siblings have also stopped speaking with me almost entirely (I have 4) due to my choice to abandon my relationship with my mother. They only relate to me as their scapegoat. They can't forgive me for moving to NYC & leaving them. They resent my separation from them.
I became a psychologist. They joke that I only pursued this field b/c I am severely "damaged" & that I don't know how to relate to them "normally" because of being one. They are clueless! And cruel.
It never occurs to them that I (or others) become healing professionals because we believe in self-love and love for others.
Because my mother glorifies each of them more now that I'm gone, their perspective is that "mom has changed" & that I'm holding grudges & acting immature. They are too codependent to understand healthy boundaries.
I have countless stories of my mother's abuse towards me. I was abused for being attractive, athletic, & independent. She was relentless!
I am the kind of woman she will never be & never was: brave, self-motivated, independent, loving, nurturing, respectful, & empowered!
The cycle of abuse continues. My siblings have passed their resentments down to their own children-teaching them that I am crazy, cruel, unwanted by them, & completely insignifiant.
One sister even refuses to discuss, share pictures, or have any contact with me since she became pregnant with her 2nd child-she gave birth in Sprg 2010. My mom played a hand in that b/c she fears me coming home & refusing to see HER.
My parents even moved to a new house in '09 & refuse to inform me of their new number or where they live. She sent me an impersonal x-mas card with no return address. I know her games well!
Even with all of the ways they taunt me & fantasize about me chasing after them like I used to, I understand that they actually resent my "good girl" b/c of their collective & individual disorders.
Sometimes I wish there was a specific diagnostic description of personality disordered family systems/dynamics, so I could simply state my background like I would a religious background.
I have come across many people who can't believe my mother could be so abusive and tormenting. I've learned that many people are uncomfortable discussing abuse-so they look for ways to deny it. Some challenge my choice to move on with my life rather than have close ties with my family. Many people tell me "I'm sure your mom really loves you, she's your mom".
Nothing annoys me more than those statements (even though I realize people's unawareness about psych disorders) but I wish that more people could understand that some people in this world have learned what love is b/c they were clearly shown what love isn't.
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OMG Thank the good heavens I have had my suspicions finally out to a disorder. Within the past month, my husbands granddaughter has come to live with us. She was "causing to much trouble in the dream family" We live in a different state than mother, and evidently the maternal grandmother was not worthy of taking this wonderful 13 almost 14 budding young lady. I reads description this morning of a narcissist and asked this granddaughter if it was anyone she knew, without hesitation she said "mom". Now I would like to keep this girl safe from any more damage I am going to try to get guardianship so I may have some backup, she gets mad and threatens to come get her. The granddaughter needs this loving , stuckchered enviroment. She is enrolled in school, we go to church every Sunday and she is in her last year of confirmation. She like it here, but gets calls from mom and things get bad again for a while. Can I stop the calls can I take legal action on behalf of my grandaughter?The mother is suppose to pass on the fathers child support payment, but I doubt that will happen and so does he. He is ready to start legal action on that front. This woman thinks she is coming here for Thanksgiving, altho not really invited, bringing her nars husband and their two sons. The other daughter that has been living with other biological dad for two years may also come. My GD is just excited about seeing her siblings. Do I have a legal leg to stand firm on in South Dakota?
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I have only just realised that my mother is a narcissist. There is a sense of relief knowing that I'm not crazy. The emotional abuse these women torment their children with is beyond belief. I now look at my what I believed to be true and find that everything my my aid was a complete lie. She said I was over sensitive, demanding, difficult and that I was mental. This verbal abuse was daily through out my life. She led me to believe she was a liberal open minded young mother who provided a safe and happy home for her children. I was aware in my early twenties that my mother viewed me as someone she owned and I was not equal to others, my needs were not important. If I ever challenged or disagreed with her she would attack, It was the most degrading and scary experience of my life. She kept me dependent saying that because I was mental and dysfunctional no one would want me. Part of her games were regular quilt trips. My mum was a victim and I was responsible for his. Everything was so twisted. I didn't know why I felt anxious all the time. I had a real sense of self loathing and worthlessness. Another trick my mum used was habitual lies. If I questioned her behavior she would blatantly lie this happened over and over to the point where she got me questioning my own sanity as I thought maybe I was falsely creating events that hadn't happened. I was attacked once by an x convict very scary for me broke e nose and couldn't go back to my flat as he was threatening me, mum saw me having to stay with her for the night as big inconvenience, the man had previously been jailed for murder it was seriously scary stuff but the total lack of empathy from mum astounded me. She would go guarantor for a car loan and then have my dad and brother repo my car to punish me for not opening the door to her one evening. She has now banished me from her life asking that I leave the last few of her life in peace and never contact her again. She did this to punish me because I had asked her nicely to please not judge me when visiting as I wanted a happy experience with her. I have gladly taken up her demand to never contact her again and feel a sense of freedom. I can now start the process of repairing and rebuilding what she has taken from me. I now have the freedom to live without persecution,
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I have only just realised that my mother is a narcissist. There is a sense of relief knowing that I'm not crazy. The emotional abuse these women torment their children with is beyond belief. I now look at my what I believed to be true and find that everything my my aid was a complete lie. She said I was over sensitive, demanding, difficult and that I was mental. This verbal abuse was daily through out my life. She led me to believe she was a liberal open minded young mother who provided a safe and happy home for her children. I was aware in my early twenties that my mother viewed me as someone she owned and I was not equal to others, my needs were not important. If I ever challenged or disagreed with her she would attack, It was the most degrading and scary experience of my life. She kept me dependent saying that because I was mental and dysfunctional no one would want me. Part of her games were regular quilt trips. My mum was a victim and I was responsible for his. Everything was so twisted. I didn't know why I felt anxious all the time. I had a real sense of self loathing and worthlessness. Another trick my mum used was habitual lies. If I questioned her behavior she would blatantly lie this happened over and over to the point where she got me questioning my own sanity as I thought maybe I was falsely creating events that hadn't happened. I was attacked once by an x convict very scary for me broke e nose and couldn't go back to my flat as he was threatening me, mum saw me having to stay with her for the night as big inconvenience, the man had previously been jailed for murder it was seriously scary stuff but the total lack of empathy from mum astounded me. She would go guarantor for a car loan and then have my dad and brother repo my car to punish me for not opening the door to her one evening. She has now banished me from her life asking that I leave the last few of her life in peace and never contact her again. She did this to punish me because I had asked her nicely to please not judge me when visiting as I wanted a happy experience with her. I have gladly taken up her demand to never contact her again and feel a sense of freedom. I can now start the process of repairing and rebuilding what she has taken from me. I now have the freedom to live without persecution,
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My mother is a narcissist.I've just recenty realized this fact and yes it's painful as hell.But also admitting it and researching information about the subject has been an important step for me.I no longer feel so guilty and feel the need to blame myself for everything as much as before.I'm now smart enough to realize this and go through things in my mind logically and things make so much more sense this way!I've always known there was something wrong or missing in my relationship with my mother,but never before really knew just WHAT exactly except a feeling that something important was missing and I never truly felt loved or appreciated for who I am by her.I get now that she actually DIDN'T ever truly love me as her only child.She couldn't have,she was entirely too self centered and is in some ways even worse now.Or her denial about her own cold behaviour/obvious problems is.I think it's just that only now in recent years I've actually started to confront her properly about her behaviour in the past and today still.She still repeats the same exact patterns of behaviour,doesn't seem to really change,evolve or grow past them.She's emotionally extremely cold towards me and seems to be on the level of a teenager emotionally.She revels in ignorance,genuine or affected.My parents got divorced when I was about 5 and I moved to live together with my mother after that.She was a single parent since.I've had no other siblings living with me ever.I was the only(and VERY lonely)child and my mother was always working.Now that's one of her favorite things to use to play the guilt game with me.Shes always referring to her need to work more as a single parent as the reason I was always so lonely and without her real support.But when she DID have time it was rarely spent with me alone,and when it was I felt she really didnt care for my company and was just burdened or bored by having to spend time with me.She's had many boyfriends and some adult female frieds who've always been more important than me.Usually I spent time with my grandparents,in some other place or even all alone at home at nights when she went out.The divorce was very hard on me and on those nights spent alone I was truly worried she might have abandoned me entirely.I stil remember the fear and loneliness.Nowadays my mother feels every right to steal money from me,go through my personal things and blatantly lie straight to my face about things.She knows I'm very dependent on her(no wonder why,that's how she raised me to be!)and resents that fact and me.She feels entitled to treating me with no regard to how much I need her REAL love and support,she KNOWS that's the most important thing I want and NEED from her so she denies exactly that from me.She doesn't care how much her selfishness and coldness hurts me and will even close the door between us or turn away and do something else to distract if I start telling her how I feel.She HATES being confronted and wont admit doing anything wrong.EVER!
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I love it that we are strong women! We have survived, from a young age seen the coldness and nothingness of their mothering, and became loving mothers and woman anyway! LOL I think of re-parenting myself beginning at age 20, the struggles I had, having to stand totally alone in my family, no acknowledgment from sister or brothers, friends who had healthy families "not getting it", and thinking I was depressed. For years I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with ME! Why not one therapist, after all I told them about my family, did not once look at my cold, angry Mother, my arrogant hateful Grandmother, and haughty golden child sister?!?! OK--it's all right. I have figured it out. I am whole, very strong, compassionate, a good wife and Mother, healthy adult children, and now caring for the 93 year old Nmother in my home! YIKES! Doing the right thing for her, even though I do not like her. Once in a while she acts like she cares about someone other than herself, but I snicker away, and count it to dementia. Detached from her and her "me me me" ways, I can provide the safe care she did not get in a NH, because she is such a PITA, they wanted to over-medicate her to manage her.
Life is funny. All the years I wanted her attention, now she is always trying to get MINE! Guess what? I see to her needs and she never wants for anything. I am a GOOD daughter, and she does not deserve it, but doing this job, taking on the responsibility--because the golden child older sister" "just couldn't do it. She has issues"-- has neutralized ALL emotional problems I had, residual anger, and put the ball in my court. Gee, if only I had been my own Mother in the first place...
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I just want to have some real,meaningful connection with her more than anything else,but every time I try to reach out she pushes me away and doesnt even want to listen.If she listens to me one day and we talk and I think she finally gets it then the next day or a bit later she’s seemingly forgotten all about our discussion and is right back to her own spineless,cold,selfish ways.No real change has happened.It’s ALL just empty promises and talk.Or silent treatement if something I say bothers her too much and she doesn’t want to face the reality.It’s very tiring and exhausting.Getting nowhere. She knows she’s hurt me,she must know it!I’ve told her many times.Yet she refuses to change or apologise,most of the time she even refuses to admit there’s a big problem with her attitude towards me.That everything is NOT all my fault. I’ve been to therapy since I was 14 years old, on and off.I was forced to start it at 14 because I was being bullied at school.So of course they sent me,the victim to be analyzed instead of doing anything to stop the bullies from hurting me.Going through my parents divorce at 5 and moving to a new place, being bullied at school for three years,my self esteem totally ruined,having a alchoholic,unstable borderline father with a crazy new wife who hated me and envied me(likely another crazy narcissist!)AND having a cold, uncaring selfish narcissistic mother to live with all my life has made me basically totally unable to trust anyone or accept much help.
Now that I’ve finally realized it’s not MY fault that I’ve always felt so invisible,ignored and unloved at home being around my mother,a place and relationship that should have provided me at least one safe place in a world full of abuse,insecurity and loathing towards me is a great relief.It’s NOT all just in my head or my fault! Because she would never admit she’s the one with mental problems and she’s been infecting me with her disease of being unable to feel for others my entire life,trying to make me feel miserable,lonely,unloved and dependent on her all at the same time.And for this knowledge I am more than grateful.I get now than my mother will likely NEVER change her ways,in fact she seems to have gotten worse the older she gets.She’s 51 now and acting out like a silent suffering martyr is increasibly her “thing”
She wants to be seen as my victim.Ironic really because SHE’s the one who raised me so if she has a problem with how I turned out she needs to look in the mirror first before judging anyone else!But of course she wont do THAT.She wants to get rid of me and get me away from her life. The ultimate invisibility and ignoring of my desperate need for her love and acceptance.And oh boy if I only had some other support and people who truly cared in my life I would leave her in an instant.She obviously doesn’t want or need me around,I’m not useful to her now except when she needs someone to whine to about her boyfriend.
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Its been 2 years since my Mother died, so this is an update, my brothers and other family members are still not acknowledging my existence, to this I say their loss my gain.
Ive read the entries above added since my first post, to all who have written I would say don't waste your time energy, life, breath on hoping to win your mothers around, it wont happen, she wont ever be the Mother you long for or desire, she doesn't want to be, she enjoys seeing you flinch and hurt when she rejects you again and again, it gives her a thrill. One thing though I do know, Mothers like ours hate being ignored, cant take it if you don't bite, or you show her no emotion, just be flippant, and in time or fairly soon she will start cracking, they cannot take their own medicine.
Ive researched this subject enough to figure it out in a small way.
Mothers like this also hold grudges, so I would also say don't hold one yourself, anything your Mother is or does, try to do the opposite, don't fall into her trap, don't indulge her in her games, she knows your buttons and which ones to press, next time she does this try not to react, or show that you're bothered.
However one thing I would advise any one who is the scape goat, don't even waste another second hoping to win her around, or get one over her, don't play her games let it go and YOU move on she cant or wont shes like a 2 year old in an adults body, and her world consists of her only, you're a plaything, an annoyance, she doesn't care how much you do to show her you're a good Daughter, she doesn't want a good Daughter, just a plaything until she tires of you, but whilst you feed her addiction she will boomerang you (throw you out and have you back ) for as long as you endure it, and if you do walk away don't hope for her to come to you asking for forgiveness, she has no need to be forgiven, she in her mind has not and does not do anything to harm anyone ever, yes, but she plays with her daughters heads she feels its her right, shes Your Mother, but you're not her property. Good Luck. She knows what you want and wont ever give you it, why would she do that it would take her fun away and she likes playing with you, you always bite and take the bait. Or DO YOU!???
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I am again here to give an update on how Ive learned to heal the hurts and damage caused to myself by my late NMother.
Well its been over 2 years since she died and I am still disowned by all other family members, that hurts and is something I am scarred by, but I survive and will continue to survive.
I have been fortunate enough to have helped other scapegoat Daughters by telling my own story of abuse. I feel Ive been able to let others know that they are not alone that its not their fault. So for this Im grateful.
Again my message to any other scape goat Daughters is You are not alone, You are not to blame, You are loved, We are all strong Women, and are better human beings than our Narcissistic Mothers could or would ever be.
Keep on Keeping on, you are better than you think. Be Strong and learn to be happy. You are Loved...
You can do it.
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My mom's emotional support has been fairly non-existent; however, I can't say she had much from her mother (probably less than she has given me). The one thing I've noticed is her ability to take money from me at any moment without it necessarily being illegal. When I was younger she use to write me IOU's after digging through my drawers to find babysitting money. She used this to go out with her friends. Another time she charged my christmas gift to my credit card account so she wouldn't have to pay for it. That's borderline stealing, but of course in her mind, I wanted the clothes so..... Up until I was seventeen I didn't know it was abnormal to have a joint account with my mom.
I'm glad I'm aware that her action's are not ethical, nor are they in my best interest (even in the slightest!). I hope my past experiences will help me grow as an individual, instead of hamper my future ability as a mother. I pray that I will be less of narcissist than her, as she probably prayed for the same thing when she was younger.
STOP THE CYCLE!!!
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My sister is narcissistic. It's so bad that I have lost patience to talk to her any more. It's so boring to talk to her. Listening for hours about her troubles, ideas, thoughts, daily experiences, is over whelming. I'm so tired of it. She's ten years older, knows EVERYTHING, even on parenting, yet she never had kids! Is there a cure for this mental illness? I remember my folks used to get annoyed with her and I wonder if they could have nipped this in the bud as a youngster, if there's even a cure for it, my sis is in her 60's now, it's probably too late for her...it's been tough, let me tell you.
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