Thriving in a Narcissistic Family
When we are small children we are at the love and/or mercy of our parents. Many individuals who contact me have been raised in families where there is a narcissistic parent (s) or sibling(s). These individuals express the pain connected with their childhood experiences of being verbally abused, constantly criticized and humiliated and treated like they were invisible. Some of these children spent most of their hours hidden away in their rooms or when possible going to friends' houses to distract themselves from the psychological and emotional abuse that was always a moment away. A common pattern with a narcissistic parent--let's use the father as an example---is a drumbeat of criticism and psychological intimidation that starts from early childhood and continues throughout adulthood. The message is: "Your not good enough, bright enough. You'll never measure up to my standards of excellence. No matter how well you do in school or anywhere else, even if you get perfect grades, I am not satisfied." The narcissistic father dominates his child and controls his spouse. Wives of intimidating narcissistic husbands can be so fearful of abandonment and/or more abuse that they are unable to protect their children from their husband's wrath. When push comes to shove, they acquiesce and side with the narcissist. The child is left without protection and is unable to achieve a solid positive emotional attachment to either parent. In some families another sibling or siblings will fulfill the role of the psychological parent and provide a source of emotional nourishment. Some children are surrounded by narcissists: mother, father and siblings. This is an extremely difficult challenge for the young child who is not a narcissist. There is tremendous emotional suffering experienced by this child. He or she is often the target of cruel remarks and negative projections wielded by the narcissists in the family constellation.
Those who psychologically survive as members of a narcissistic family deserve tremendous credit. Many of them have benefited from professional psychotherapy and have worked through psychological issues of unworthiness and lack of entitlement that are remnants of their past identity. Those who continue to rediscover their true natures, despite the narcissistic family delusion, become incredible adults. They recognize the psychodynamics within their family of origin and able to maintain a perspective of the pathology of the narcissists that ruled their childhood. As adults these survivors often discover hidden gifts that were stored safely away, waiting for a time when they could flower and bloom. I have met those who have prevailed over their traumatic beginnings. They are people of psychological depth and great empathy. They are genuine and transparent; they need no elaborate mask. The lead their lives with clarity and integrity. In some instances those who prevail and triumph over their childhood circumstances have had to sever their ties with narcissistic family members. This act for many is part of their healing process as they move forward in spirals of emotional and psychological growth, creativity, compassion and joy. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Those who psychologically survive as members of a narcissistic family deserve tremendous credit. Many of them have benefited from professional psychotherapy and have worked through psychological issues of unworthiness and lack of entitlement that are remnants of their past identity. Those who continue to rediscover their true natures, despite the narcissistic family delusion, become incredible adults. They recognize the psychodynamics within their family of origin and able to maintain a perspective of the pathology of the narcissists that ruled their childhood. As adults these survivors often discover hidden gifts that were stored safely away, waiting for a time when they could flower and bloom. I have met those who have prevailed over their traumatic beginnings. They are people of psychological depth and great empathy. They are genuine and transparent; they need no elaborate mask. The lead their lives with clarity and integrity. In some instances those who prevail and triumph over their childhood circumstances have had to sever their ties with narcissistic family members. This act for many is part of their healing process as they move forward in spirals of emotional and psychological growth, creativity, compassion and joy. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 10/28/2009 10:23 AM 
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, narcissistic family, narcissists
Tags: humiliation verbal abuse psychotherapy negative projections criticism healing process
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, narcissistic family, narcissists
Tags: humiliation verbal abuse psychotherapy negative projections criticism healing process
I'm sure everyone who reads this article, who had the horrible misfortune of being born into a narcissist family, will recognize themselves. It amazes me that there is never a deviation in the scenario. This article is right on target and anyone who was/is the scapegoat of an Nfamily will think Dr. Linda has witnessed your life from the beginning.
I think the most painful aspect is that there is one parent who knows what is going on and yet will do nothing. Saving him/herself from abuse of the narcissist spouse ( and in my case a violent narcissist male sibling as well)by going along with the macabre games and tactics is unforgivable. All normal children in an Nfamily knew from an early age, which parent had the capacity to love. To be denied that is more damaging than the actions of the narcissist. My NM would say and do horrible things behind closed doors and then have "no knowledge" in front of my father. My father would say and do nice things behind closed doors and have " no knowledge" of it in front of my mother. I knew my Nmother didn't love me. She made it clear when she told me she didn't when I was 14 years old. My father, however, would show love and compassion, when NM wasn't around, and run away and deny it. Confusing? Hurtful? You bet.
For the "normal" parent to express some form of love to their child and then deny it to NM, NS, so they won't get angry, and the public at large is by far the worst. As a child, who spent hours a day alone in my room, I would hope and fantasize that my real parents would come for me and take me away.
As the article states, I managed to save myself through all of this by emersing myself in the arts. I became a professional business woman in the field. My adult life and profession was the never ending target of downing from my NM, NS and EF. ( 'I should be at home doing housework like my NM") I did that, too. But had a life.
I went No Contact 9 years ago. No, I will never have family at the holidays, be invited to family weddings or just be invited for dinner. BUT, I have found, by finding and being myself, who is not degraded and humiliated at every step I take, wonderful friends and people who accept me for who I am and the warmth and love I give and recieve. It's better than what I put up with, by lightyears, from my "family" It took some time to be comfortable and safe with something I was never used to. But, at this point, I couldn't care less what my family of origin are doing or saying.
They chose a life of pure hell. They don't have that choice for me any longer. My life belongs to me.
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Lynne, I just wanted to comment that I figured out, when I was a teenager, that my Dad and I couldn't have a relationship. It was so sad and still is. He wasn't perfect, but he was a kind man and I think he really wanted to be close to his "little girl". My mother made me feel like "the other woman" and she was obviously jealous, insecure and I think paranoid about us being close. I feel so fortunate that I, at a young age, identified there was something wrong in my mother's head and I just needed to hang in there until I could get out. I married a wonderfully loving man (over 25 years ago) and I think she despises me for it. I've been doing the limited contact, but I think this last rage of hers is the end for me. She's going to have to come and make up with me before I talk to her and I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately my Dad just passed away, but since I've gotten over the initial grief, I almost feel a sense of relief. I told my husband, I hung in there for my Dad, but now he's gone and I don't want to do this anymore.
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