Protect Your Child from a Narcissistic Father
If an adult chooses to remain in a marriage to a narcissist, that is her prerogative. When you have a child with a narcissistic parent, you are the responsible party. I understand that in many instances the marital partner is unaware that she is married to a narcissist. The purpose of my blog is to inform readers about the true nature of narcissists so they can identify them and deal with them. I have spoken to clients who were unaware for years that they married a narcissistic personality and kept blaming themselves or trying to change this individual. Narcissistic personalities are most unlikely to change. They have no reason to since they believe that they are perfect and superior and that everyone else, including their immediate family, is flawed and inadequate. Some women decide that it is better and they tell themselves, easier, to stay with a narcissistic husband than to take the risk of leaving that can mean facing financial instability and the perils of re-starting their lives alone. When a woman has children with a narcissist, this is a game changer. One way or the other the narcissistic father will have a variation of negative psychological and emotional effects on his child. No amount of good mothering within a narcissistic family constellation will erase every bit of damage that the narcissistic father imposes on his child. For him, the child is an object, a narcissistic supply he can use to inflate his ego. If the child does not fit his qualifications because he or she is not bright enough, beautiful or handsome, talented, etc. , the narcissistic parent will neglect and ignore this child or worse, make him or her the target of his aggressive verbal attacks. If the father finds that his child can be become a vital source of ego gratification due to his winning personality, attractiveness, intellect, etc., he will cater to this child. In some instances the fusion of the child with the narcissistic father is strong enough to create a narcissistic son or daughter despite the mother's influence.
If you know that your spouse is a narcissist and you continue to expose your children to his psychopathology, think carefully about your options. I have found that many clients decide that they can no longer risk the day to day exposure of their children to this level of pathological toxicity. Doing what is right for our children is never easy---but it is necessary. We gave birth to them and in that act and onward we are responsible for nurturing and protecting them on every level. The course ahead may be difficult. Keepng the welfare of your children in the front of your mind is a compelling motivator. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
If you know that your spouse is a narcissist and you continue to expose your children to his psychopathology, think carefully about your options. I have found that many clients decide that they can no longer risk the day to day exposure of their children to this level of pathological toxicity. Doing what is right for our children is never easy---but it is necessary. We gave birth to them and in that act and onward we are responsible for nurturing and protecting them on every level. The course ahead may be difficult. Keepng the welfare of your children in the front of your mind is a compelling motivator. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 10/19/2009 11:12 AM 
Categories: self help, children, narcissism, marriage, mental health, narcissists
Tags: narcissistic father good mothering child as narcissistic supply
Categories: self help, children, narcissism, marriage, mental health, narcissists
Tags: narcissistic father good mothering child as narcissistic supply
I hate to say it, but I think this is true. I recently realized my husband has strong narcissistic tendencies.
Dr. Linda said: "For him, the child is an object, a narcissistic supply he can use to inflate his ego... If the father finds that his child can be become a vital source of ego gratification due to his winning personality, attractiveness, intellect, etc., he will cater to this child."
For the last 3 years or so, my husband has been catering to our 18 yr. old son in the most obvious, weird way. He gives him an absurd amount of weekly allowance and even does our son's minimal chores for him! It's as if he is trying to 'curry favor' with our kid to be the favorite parent. I have found it extremely disconcerting and wrong. I believe a father should stand up and be a leader in his family, not a co-teenager! I've been praying about this and hope and pray our son doesn't become a narcissist too! Thanks for letting me vent --
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In the case it is the Mother that is the Narcissist, and the courts tend to give Mothers custody, what does a father do to change this? Mother gets into the custody hearings and lies about not leaving the family, that she had them every night when in fact she had them very little. She sits there and makes the father look like a jerk. and that he is the one lying. Father feels very defeated in the hearing, is asked to sign a BLANK paper, becasue the hearing officer hasn't made her decision. He feels obligated to do so and his lawyer does not advise him not to sign the blank paper. Father said he never felt so railroaded in his life. His lawyer coudln't make the hearing and sent someone from his office in his place " a woman". She said if he didn't like the outcome he could go before the judge, NOT SO ,his lawyer tells him after the decision and the signature was given, so he was stuck having alternating custody for the summer. He vowed he'll Never again sign another blank peice of paper Hearing or no Hearing...
So what recourses does he have to protect these children? Some of these court systems are deplorable. Mothers are not always the best choice for the children. She doesn't take care of them on the 50/50 vistitation her mother has them 24/7, that is not right either, I suggested he ask for a physc. eval on her, and drug testing. He is just too leanient on the Mother/wife. To nice. I think he is afraid of the wife and her narcissistic ways. Oh she knows how to play him and she does.
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Once a spouse is aware and has confirmation that they are married to a narcissist, it is my opinion they should work on an exit plan as soon as possible (especially if there are children involved). "Children are resilient"... We've all heard it a thousand times over, and I'm sorry, but that old adage is far too cliché, if not a flippant excuse to subject children to unhealthy circumstances. Read the blogs on this website. Most of the individuals blogging are adults, who were once "children" raised under severe narcissistic conditions. If children are truly that resilient, all of us would be well-adjusted adults, free from mother and father complexes... free from bad relationship patterns... free from self-doubts and depression... free from food-shopping-work-drug addictions, etc.... and living in proper balance between healthy narcissism and altruism. I have several friends who were lucky to be raised by "good enough" parents, and even they have their hang-ups. It's irrational to think children in abusive environments will leave unscathed. Children need emotional stability more than anything. There are more options now for spouses in abusive relationships than there ever were. The help and support is available. The biggest obstacle is fear. Just because an adult can tolerate abusive conditions and downplays abuse with convincing thoughts like, "it's really not that bad"... doesn't mean it's not interpreted as "tragic" circumstances by a child who is still in the process of intellectual/psychological development. Children don't have a fraction of an adult's coping abilities. Whether the abuse is verbal, physical or sexual, it's always bad for children and has scarring consequences without healthy intervention. This is just my two cents, but the hang-ups in all adults would be less severe if healthy intervention started with the parent. When a spouse with children leaves an abusive relationship, the ultimate lesson learned from the children's perspectives is that they too have options. When the spouse leaves an abusive relationship, the parent is modeling to his/her children that when they grow up to become young adults, they have the inherent right to choose healthy relationships and means of living. Our children are the future. The future is "predictable" in a narcissistic cycle, and chances are the forecast will be gloomier than the past. Is that what we want for our kids? Narcissists have a much bigger bark than bite. They really are cowards. This fear we feel from the narcissist's bark is mostly delusional because the narcissist's bark is predominantly illusional. With a large enough, educated support system, abused spouses and their children can escape a narcissist safely. It takes an enormous amount of courage, but it's feasible. And regardless of the financial insecurity that may result, securing our children's mental welfare is priceless, and it's the very best gift parents can provide their offspring.
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Before leaving an abusive relationship find out what the laws are in the state you live in. I left an abusive relationship after my 5 week old daughter's narcistic father began to threaten to kill and hurt her. In the past almost 2 years I have been scolded and penalized by the courts for what I believe to be protecting my daughter. Her father now has visits with her every 6 weeks that are supervised by his mother and girlfriend. These visits are at my expense costing me $300. I have lost everything including the right to advocate for and protect my daughter. Before you do anything seek the advice of a family attorney and of course, document everything. Wear a tape recorder. Do whatever you have to do to not let the courts keep victimizing you and your child.
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When making any determination to leave an abusive relationship, caution is advised. Document everything, maintain a journal keeping dates and times as accurate reference material.
When dealing with custody concerns have a witness present during all discussions , never communicate in private with a narcissist.
During divorce and separation immediately enter into counseling for yourself and children.
Teach your children their human rights, Speak openly about and provide expamples of human rights violations.
Talk about abuse and have open age appropriate discussions on going with your children.
Never criticize their narcissistic parent, allow your children to speak using their own observations and reasoning.
Teach your children critical thinking skills. Talk about ethical reasoning and provide for them a knowlegdeable respectful living environment.
Teaching children life skills, supporting their choices disables and significantly diminishes the extent of harm and influence a narcissistic parent will have in their life!
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Thanks Maureen for that advise, i split from the narcissistic father of my 6 year old son 2 years ago and hav been struggling with access since. I only looked up narcissism yesterday and its such a revelation to realise its an actual condition.
I was 7 years younger than him when we met-young and naive. I was 17 and easily influenced, got pregnant after a short time and as i was still in school and doing the leaving certificate (final exams) with a young baby and post natal depression i was very vulnerable.
He lowered my self esteem and confidence so much to boost his own ego and also to turn me into the "trophy girlfriend". He dabbled in drugs and caused me so much emotional distress I could write a book on!
You might think i was crazy staying with him but I felt trapped and was in some respects blinded to it all, this was obviously because he really believed that it was me who had lots of problems and his force of character and psychological bullying, together with my self esteem and confidence being non existent meant i somehow either believed him or maybe it was that my mind was so clouded with confusion at the whole thing!
I had moved out of my home environment also and into his after id had the baby, (his sister looked after the baby while i was at school as my parents both worked)so this was another advantage to aid his control. He always had me convinced that everyone would think i was mad and somehow convinced me not to confide in my family and friends.
I finally freed myself of him though he was unwilling to let me go for a long time, during which i was empathic and considerate towards him, which all got thrown back in my face on many ocasions. his family are completely ignorant to his "disorder" and were very resentful towards me.
I thankfully came out the other end with surprisingly no problems that im aware of! (considering everything he put me through) However he is the father of my 6 year old son who thinks a lot of his dad, naturally, and looks up to him. I want my son to have a relationship with his father but i dont want him to be influenced by his arrogance, selfishness and vanity etc. That is not my biggest concern though as i know if i work hard at it i will be able to hopefully impress on my son the importance of respect, empathy and education in life. I will now set about recording dates times and incidents in case this ever does get taken to court, but how do you prove someone is narcissistic to a judge?! with fathers rights these days there is little investigation done anymore. I think it is wonderful that fathers are getting rights they deserve as there is some amazing dads out there. He gets our son each friday until sunday evening and still gives me a hard time when i want weekend time with my son. Its hard for my son to know we argue although we never argue infront of him he is sensitive and intelligent.My son gets upset sometimes and blames me as it was me who ended the relationship, how do i help him under
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As long as you show your a good mother, want a secure enviorment for you son, and be a loving mother. It is the mothers that walk out on their children and make no provisions for them that are the mothers that do not get primary custody of their children. Just be the mother you know you must be and you should make out fine infront of the judge. Your Ex will probably show the judge all on his own his Narcisstic behavior. Mothers don't leave their children behind. Take good care of your son provide stability and good morals and you should be just fine. A good lawyer helps too. My son just won primary custody of his two children, mother left behind, didn't want to pay child support, and took no interest in their well being, or time with them. Her life was much more important than her two beautiful children, she is verbally abusive, denied her child an education in the least restrictive enviorment. In other words she was not a fit mother for the children to be with. Good Luck and just be the best person you can be.
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In my experience, you are dead wrong. A narcissistic father will lie and cheat the system, and use the system to punish the woman who left him (but took the children, because she had always been the primary parent). Happened to me - I had sole custody for the first few years, but I lost custody when I remarried and moved out of state due to my second husband's job transfer (we took the kids with us), because my ex had more money and the motivation to be manipulative and punitive. He lied to the custody evaluator, and bribed the kids to lie, too. I paid child support as ordered and took all the visits to which I was entitled, plus any extras I could get. He totally failed as a parent, too. Our daughter moved into an apartment with her boyfriend when she was still 17 and in high school, but as soon as she graduated, she asked to move in with my second husband and me. She stayed almost 3 years, now has a good job, an apartment, car, and is very responsible and healthy. My son recently came back to live with me, after getting involved in drugs, getting bad grades, disappearing more than once for a week at a time (and his father would not go try to find him). After a final-straw altercation between the two, a couple of weeks after my ex had triple-bypass surgery at age 50, the ex called the cops on our son and then emailed me to come get him. He is not paying child support, but continues to send hateful emails criticizing all of us very severely. Our son is doing better in school and I don't think he is using any drugs or alcohol. He's polite and helps out around the house, learning to drive, and has good friends.
So please don't make gender-based generalizations about who wins in court. I have seen more than once that the biggest bully with the most money wins in family court. The courts/judges do not have time to be comprehensive and fair - they work off whatever brief impression each parent makes. In my case, my ex made four times as much money as I did, and my second husband also pays quite a bit of child support - so my kids' father had more disposable income to spend on attorneys.
At this point, our daughter who is of the age of majority will hardly talk to him, and he will not take any visits and will not contact our son (a minor), and will not pay child support, but feels free to send his endless criticism via condescending email.
I get a little defensive when people say the courts are biased toward mothers, because I have had a totally different experience, and I think the difference was the type of "character" my ex-husband has.
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I have had almost the exact experience as you have! I believe that the pendulum for family court is swaying towards more and more fathers, majority of them being narcissists! I however am in the middle of it all; finally trying to stand back up from the blow of having my daughter taken from me. The worst part is that not only is her father this way but also his new wife. I have caught them in lies even and yet I am the one portrayed as emotionally unstable. The one being affected the most is my young daughter. She is constantly questioning what is fact or fiction. Dealing with severe emotional abuse. She has even asked me to speak to them because she doesn't know what else to do. Sadly this has put her in an even worse situation and now bring forced to see a behavioral therapist instead of depression counselling. I am supposed to have a say in all these decisions but usually they do a they please and I find out from my daughter what is happening. Yes, for the record I do ask questions and try to encourage us making mutual decisions as we should. It ends with them doing as they choose even when I thought we had agreed. I know I'm all the over the place with this but I am smack in the middle of trying to fight for my daughters sake and sanity without losing my own! It is such a very upsetting situation to be in from any angle. Something huge has to change in order for our children to not be harmed emotionally by this type of personality. Good grief I know the damage it did to me, and kills me slowly everyday listening to what my daughter goes through. I keep journals, I screen shot all my texts, print my emails, most of which has been overlooked in court or thrown out. I'm out of money, trying to do this on my own and turn around the damage that's been done to me in the court setting. I've considered starting a foundation even. No one deserves this! Children deserve this even less! They didn't ask to be here, for the split of their parents, and definitely not to be used as a pawn because one parent has psychological issues. I just want her to have the chance at a more normal life and the opportunity to know she is beautiful, intelligent and worth something!
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Hi Cathy,
there is no prove nor any way of using this label in court. Be very careful of what is becoming a very common allegation in family court,'parent alienation'. As a custodial parent you are required to up hold the agreed upon terms of visitation and not hinder or negatively influence your child's relationship with his father.
this how ever does not mean that you give up your rights as a concerned parent, but if you attempt in any small way or that the other believes that you are causing negative influence, the court will take such allegations seriously and will place a heavier burden of responsibility on you to comply and cooperate.
The difficulty is providing legitimate proof of their complicity to any claims of uncooperative, harassing, bulling, aggressive nature contributing to any co-parenting issues of conflict.
You yourself must learn to understand the underlying issues of conflict that are being experienced , not just stating that you have identified your child's father as being a narcissist (this is not a defense. Understanding how to deal with a narcissist is your first defense and over time you will become more accomplished in dealing with this difficult persons nature. your son will have to learn to deal with his father , you become his support and help him acquire strong personal boundaries that he can firmly assert. This is not a simple task but one that will allow both you and your son more ability and important life skills that dealing with any difficult person throughout life.
My suggestion is begin reading Linda's book! a really helpful start to your recovery and as you begin to understand terms of abusive relationships you will have the knowledge to counter with insightful self directed confidence,being more able to express to anyone when your rights as an individual are not being respected.
Further you will have a greater understanding of what abuse is and perhaps your greatest achievement will be that you have stopped your families cycle of abuse!
Being well informed is the only defence against a narcissist!
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To understand the complications in dealing with a spouse that possibly has a narcissistic personality disorder causing unresolvable high conflict situations pertaining to joint or co parenting issues one must become familiar with all current family law information available. Recent new consideration regarding high conflict divorce and separation conditions concerning best interest of children where court ordered parenting plans take into consideration personality disorders causing and being the primary source of continued inter relational conflict.
Having a third party involved (family counselor, family mediator, social worker) immediately involved during divorce and separation provides that an unbiased and highly experienced individual is able to provide a more accurate account of any and all problematic situations FIRST HAND.
Through my own personal experience over an 11 year period of dealing with an Ex spouse with "narcissistic characteristic traits" ( not formally diagnosed, there for could not be described as being a narcissist but having "narcissistic traits")being involved in family counseling throughout these 11 years has helped myself and my children deal with many difficult and straining situations throughout stages of separation and divorce and post divorce years.
As my children have grown and have become more able to make informed decisions and choices in their lives having had on going support through family counseling they are better able to deal with their fathers narcissistic traits!
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But what can we do? IS there ANY legal recourse or steps we CAN actually take to protect our children? can I ask the court to require that my ex husband have a psych evaluation? what REAL things can we do to protect them and end the abuse and manipulations of the abuser? i need real tangible steps and not just support groups. thanks
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In defense of ones personal opinions the law can only respond to actual criminal violations.
To ask that a court of law determine the competency of another there must be reasonable cause to question the level of psychological instability through distructive actions of property damage, physical harm to another,proven intentional malicious acts of any form of descrimination,ect..sufficent proof of violations are reqired in order for any ruling of lawful action to be taken.
Within family court violations must be substaniated and proven before any charges are applied or action is taken.
If child abuse is suspected, reporting to child protection agency or police services is the first coarse of action where for purpose of protection an investigation by authorities is under taken. The court then has the required evidence to take action and lay criminal charges or apply enforced protection.
The difficulty when dealing with a narcissist is that behind closed doors and in private there is a distinct difference in thier personalities, public image is well constructed to hide any alarming signs of disturbing instablities.
Having counselors, social workers involved allows that over time your integrity is upheld and that with a third party involved desturbing circumstances and events will be evaluated by an unbiazed and recognized experienced party.
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Thank you for this wonderful website. It is very informative and has helped me very much over the past several months. I have not seen any advice/information regarding my particular concern. I have recently relized that my husband of six years is obviously a bloodless psychopathic narcissist. We have a 2 year old son. I am very much worried that my son develops differently than his father. I adore him and I try not to be overly doting. I want him to be compassionate and kind. I do not allow obnoxious behavior to go unchecked. Although, I am a first-time mother and am sure I could handle certain diciplinary issues differently. I make sure he knows that he has mommy's unconditional love (as my mother did for my sister and I). I worry that he will be spoiled and narcissistic as he certainly sees this displayed in his father. It is a fine line to walk rom my current perspective and would appreciate any guidance available. Thank you.
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My husband of 3 years also belongs to this category of narcissist and I want to protect my son as much as I could. Luckily there are some of my relatives who realized he has a problem and I am going to stay with them till my job location is fixed. I do not even know if my husband has just NPD or split personality. He is so confusing and scary. He has not contacted me for about a month now and I am not sure what his plans are. If you have any good material to read regarding protecting children from NPD parent, please recommend.
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I hate to say it but I found out the hard way that divorcing a narcissist doesn't help you protect your child. It may mean that the spouse you divorced feels an intensified need to use your child for narcissistic supply and they will do this during visitations when they can arrange things so that their needs take center stage. And legally, you will be able to do nothing about it. Just speaking from personal experience here and not trying to advocate staying with your partner regardless of what they do. Ultimately, divorce may really be the lesser of two evils. I just hate to see people thinking they can protect their child when they can't. I thought I could and finding out over the years that this was not true was devastating. It would have been helpful to me to make a more informed choice.
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My situation is a narcissist father to whom I was not married and has legally acknowledged paternity and is very good with the children now while they are young. Since we weren't married there is no custody determination and we live in a state that says without one niether parent technically as any kind of custody. Where the biggest problem arises is that his employer works specifically with families and children and work very closely with family court. While he personally doesn't hold any special position with them, he's just the maintenance guy, he still is this organization's employee and as such as access to highly experienced attorneys who do nothing but family court proceedings, therefore know all the judges, clerks, law guardians, evaluators, and everyone else who can alter documentation and/or sway opinions. His free attorney as an employment benefit would tell him everything he needed to know, hand him a script and reherse him until his performance is flawless! At the same time, It being the very business of his employer and his absolute fear of being exposed as being exactly what his employer works to protect families and children from and exposing himself o not be what he puffs himself up to be to them might be exactly the reason he wouldn't use the organizations attorney. So I see my situation as much more "maybe-maybe" not and that much more a risk I'm not willing to take, a bet I'm not willing to take with my kids as colateral. I hate the feeling of being worried for them should something trigger a rage while they are with him for wkend visitation, and I can't decide if its better that I not know what goes on in his house or not, knowing what I do if he ever hurt my babies and the chaos that would ensue, btwn me making sure he got what he deserved and him (and his thug-like family) retaliating. I feel in my heart that the kids having a safe environment to come home to is better than him having my kids because I met with a "unfortunate and tragic accident." I'm confused and not sure that I'm going abt this problem the right way, in the way that is the absolute best for them given the options I have or if I need to strengthen my spine a bit more. I do welcome educated opinions.
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I did everything I could to get my young children and I out of my malignant narcissistic husband's grip. Long story short, a master manipulator can manipulate the courts easily. They will put an enormous amount of energy, money and time into "winning". Most normal people do not desire to spend their entire day planning and plotting against another human being....narcs do this. I am a fit mother who was the primary care taker and lost custody to the narc. I am writing to warn others that the courts are not the way to go if you can avoid it. It would have been much better to have blinded him with narc supply and manipulated him on my own with a mediator possibly, into giving me time with the kids outside of court. As long as they think you worship them and they are in control you get more. Don't trust our court system no matter what an attorney tells you about what you could potentially get from a judge or going to trial.
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