The narcissistic mother is a mother in name only.  I have heard heartbreaking childhood and adult autobiographies of the traumas, struggles and despair that these daughters have endured. Imprinted in their memories, deep in their cells is the knowing that they were never loved.

Narcissistic mothers have always been with us. Different words have been used to describe them, but these non-mothers have been endangering and destroying their daughters for millennia.

The narcissistic mother is predictably unpredictable.  She has neither insight  nor compassion. She focuses solely on her needs, drives and desires. Her little daughter makes too many irritating demands. The narcissistic mother doesn’t want to be bothered with a child. Children are frustrating and require special attention. These mothers are focused completely on themselves. Their daughters are psychological irritants, time wasters that drag her down.  

There are different types of narcissistic mothers. Some are so fused with their daughters that they are suffocating and overprotective. They keep their daughters on  short tethers, not allowing them to take a step without  direct orders.  

In this blog post I am talking about narcissistic mothers who are careless and recklessly unprotective of their daughters. From birth this daughter is abandoned by her mother. As a young infant she doesn’t receive the essential warmth and attachment to mother that she needs. Mother’s touch is cold and mechanical. Some narcissistic mothers hate their daughters and experience them as equal rivals. A baby is greeted with attention and joy in a healthy family. The narcissistic mother is often jealous of this tiny upstart who is getting all the attention from other family members. As soon as possible, this mother hands her daughter off to caregivers. She is not concerned about the quality of her child’s care as long as this daughter is taken off her hands.  Narcissistic mothers know how to put on a clever act when necessary to convince people they are excellent mothers. When the curtain comes down and the spotlight dims, mother quickly re-hardens, returning to her self-absorbed coldness.  

 Many young adolescent girls are left to fend for themselves while the narcissistic mother leads a free and easy social, personal and sexual life. Daughters of narcissistic mothers are exposed to adult behaviors that are traumatic and inappropriate. There are narcissistic mothers who have a series of boyfriends moving in and out of the house.   Many of these daughters have regularly witnessed their mothers in intimate sexual contact with boyfriends. This kind of psychological exposure is overwhelming to the young daughter  and can cause serious psychological trauma.   

These daughters are endangered by their narcissistic mother’s profligate, reckless lifestyle. It is not surprising that some of these young women are the victims of sexual abuse, including rape. Others become premature adults and if the narcissistic mother is an alcoholic or drug abuser, the daughter can be drawn into the use of these substances early in her life.  In some instances daughters of narcissistic mothers are sexually abused or raped by one of the mother’s lovers. Narcissistic mothers are  exceedingly jealous of their young attractive daughters and become rivals for male attention. In some instances the narcissistic mother encourages her daughter to become intimate with men who are much older than she. The narcissistic mother here is using her daughter as a sexual narcissistic supply to men who are attracted to women less than half their age. This is serious abuse and criminal. Narcissistic mothers always give themselves priority in all life decisions. I know of instances where these non-mothers left the country, leaving their daughters with distant relatives for years at a time without maintaining any form of contact. Suddenly, mother reappears with a new boyfriend, expecting to be greeted warmly as if nothing had ever happened. This is heartbreaking and confusing to children regardless of their age.   

Daughters of narcissistic mothers handle this tragic life history in a variety of ways.  Some leave home early and try to survive on their own. A few of them succeed in raising themselves although the psychological wound to their heart remains. Other daughters numb their pain by acting out---chronic drug and alcohol abuse, risky sexual activities, habitual shop lifting, eating disorders.  There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who marry narcissistic men and who perpetrate a different version of the cycle of abuse they experienced as children.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have lead difficult lives, especially when they were young and at the mercy of a mother who was incapable of love or protection. Many of these daughters were able to find other individuals in their home environment---relatives, family friends, teachers—who sustained them with affection and caring during the rough years of growing up.  

I have been in contact with daughters of narcissistic mothers who are psychologically resilient. They became participants in their emotional and psychological healing often through high quality psychotherapy and various healing modalities including yoga, meditation, journaling, support groups. These women are an inspiration to others who are still dealing with the early wounds of being the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have immense respect for their perseverance, strength and faith in themselves. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com