Narcissistic Siblings - The Challenge
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Growing up with narcissistic siblings is extremely difficult. While they get the spotlight, no attention is paid to you. The narcissistic sibling is the parent(s) golden child who can do no wrong. Begin to heal as the sibling of a narcissist. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 9/1/2009 9:22 PM 
Categories: narcissistic siblings, self help, narcissism, mental health
Tags: narcissistic siblings golden child chosen one narcissistic parent
Categories: narcissistic siblings, self help, narcissism, mental health
Tags: narcissistic siblings golden child chosen one narcissistic parent
I had the experience of growing up with an extreme narcisstic sister and my brother is a narcissist too. I am black sheep of the family and in the end, after much pain over and over again - I had to walk away. I still, through my current relationship with a narcissistic type personality, find myself in the odd situation of how did I happen to fall back into the old pattern of always being helpful and selfless while the narcissist always had a way of luring me to them and then trapping me in a web of hidden torment- manipulating and confusing me - and making me feel that I am always wrong and they are always right.
I feel imprisoned at the moment.
I spoke to my mum, of which I am closest - as my dad was aggressive to mum and mum was always very kind and loving to me as a child and to this day. I still scratch my head - that why I as the youngest, feel so different and sense my brother and sister lack feeling. I had a son with a heart condition who died when he was 6 years old and neither my sister or brother would send even a card or flower, let alone attend his service, and my sister fabricated a lie to my dad that she said I lied that she was the god mother (and I had photos and certificates to prove this). I do not know if 100% for sure this is narcissism, but what I do know was that she always made me feel as though she was better than me and that I would always have problems in life. My brother always believed he would be a millionaire and conned money out of my mum and so did my sister.
Life for me at the moment is such that I feel that I should not feel as though I should not have feelings - I work in the community and I have a loving son and mum and friends. I protect my self as best as I can, but I still cannot comprehend how "people can be so unkind" as children, there was a coldness and never a heartfelt bond. I now refuse to have anything to do with my siblings as this creates safety for me. I am selfless and try to improve my self-love, which is hard around my partner who is narcissistic.
If you can share some ways that I can use to help me to be stronger in myself, and help others who face this isolation - then I would be grateful. I have had to come to terms with the fact that in my heart these people are dead - my sister, brother and their partners. They have no heart and there is no sense of generosity or empathy - it is all about them...
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Hi Al,
Firstly, so sorry to hear about your son. Regarding your brother and sister, I can relate to your situation. I am the youngest also with a narcissistic sister and brother - my brother is the worst. I like you feel SO different to them - it is like they were both born without a heart. That sounds a bit extreme but it is true. Just one recent example, my brothers wife left him last year for another man (nobody would blame her) and I stayed with him for a weekend and my two nieces aged 14 and 8 were crying to me saying how the separation had affected them. When I told my brother that the eldest one cried to me about it - he said 'Well, I have been crying a lot too, people don't know what I am going through'. He could not give two hoots that his 14 year old daughter was distressed. This is classic narcissistic behaviour. My husband cannot believe some of the things they have done and said over the years. It is all about them.
My suggestion to help you be stronger is to buy Dr. Linda's book and really research NPD. The other thing from a personal point of view which I greatly benefited from was a guy called Brian Tracy - don't know if you have heard of him but I bought his Psychology of Achievement course a couple of years ago (nothing to do with NPD) but would recommend it anyway. From this course there are two things that I say to myself every single morning when I wake up - 'I like myself' and 'I am responsible'. What a difference this has made to my life. Especially the 'I am responsible'. We are all responsible for our own lives, we just never think of it that way. Now, when I am making decisions, I always think well, this is my life and I am responsible for it so I have to do something about it'. I also now do meditation and it is amazing how great this is also. Building up your self confidence will not only help you feel better about yourself but hopefully it will attract the right sort of friends into your life. Re having a narcissistic partner all I can suggest again is to read Dr. Linda's book. She definitely is the expert here and by reading it I have now accepted that my sister and brother are never going to change (this is not the case with every NPD), although my sister and brother could change with help but they would not think they needed it in the first place. I understand you walking away from them. You deserve better. I can understand you saying that in your heart these people are dead - I have tried to tell myself the same thing but I personally find this difficult to do. I am now trying the 'least contact the better' angle . If they do contact me I will not ignore them because that is coming down to their level, but they no longer disrupt or impinge on our lives. All I can suggest is to stay close to all the positive people in your life (family and friends) who genuinely care for you and focus on them.
Best wishes.
Vanessa.
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from Al-anon's post-- "If you can share some ways that I can use to help me to be stronger in myself, and help others who face this isolation - then I would be grateful. I have had to come to terms with the fact that in my heart these people are dead - my sister, brother and their partners. They have no heart and there is no sense of generosity or empathy - it is all about them..."
It sounds to me as though you have already reached your epiphany. You have a good grasp on the fact that the narcissists in your life will use you up and spit you out-- they are empty and provide no support for your existence. You have listened to your gut or intuition. Your mind has already declared them dead for your own survival.
You are on the right path. You are strong and believe in yourself. As far as your "isolation," it's okay. The path to enlightenment is a lonely path. You just need to embrace the human race. The force is with you. Being alone is okay. It's not the same as lonely. Recognize that you have overcome the evil in your life and you have strength. Take little steps toward trusting others. Send out a positive energy and it will be returned. You are more than halfway there. Believe in yourself. ~Donna
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I am so sorry you are experiencing the role of scapegoat/ victim. As one myself, I know that you have been experiencing it your entire life. But, now is the time to take action. You have alot of choices.
I too loved my father as I thought he was the only one who "cared". But, when you get right down to it, he was the enabler. Perhaps your mothers lack of taking any action put her in this role as well.
My first husband was a first-class narcissist as well. Since being abused is the only treatment we have experienced since birth, we think the behavior is "normal" and we have to take it and put up with it. But, something inside tells you that this is wrong and not the way you, or anyone should be treated. It's your spirit, your soul, your true self speaking to you. Yes, my divorce was an epic that lasted for 6 years. But, that was over 10 years ago and after spending years alone to pull myself together and come to some basic conclusions about who I am, what my gifts and talents are ( not what anothers told me they were) and what I want my life to be, I am happy and successful in my life and career. I met a man and after 3 years we are now married and I've never been happier.
I have stayed away from my "family" ( No Contact) and all people who felt they could run me, control me and dictate to me. It took awhile. But, the rewards and benefits are more than I ever thought could be obtained. Listen to your heart and the voice inside. It knows what it's talking about. It's the very essence and being of you.
Best of Luck and Love to you,
Lynne
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