The narcissist lives in a magical world of his making, characterized by grand delusions. A delusion is a strongly held false belief that has no validating evidence. The narcissist's beliefs about his perfection and power are as real to him/her as the fingers on his hands.  "Experiencing himself at the center of life...the narcissist believes that everything flows from him...The narcissist fabricates delusions that protect his belief in limitless power" over all others. When we become intimately involved with a narcissist we are sharing his/her delusions and leading our lives according to these false beliefs. We have thrown our fate and ourselves to the winds of a highly disturbed personality disorder. This sounds ominous considering the compelling positive image that the narcissist first presents to us.

As we become more aware of the narcissist's controlling nature and his outrageous demands, we begin to feel an unease, a faint sense of being blocked and subtlety fused. For some individuals, the narcissist's attention feels like a blanket of security and benevolent protection. This is the case with those who never had any attention ever paid to them and spent much of their young lives in a painful state of parental deprivation and neglect. This is the psychological hook that keeps non narcissistic partners repeatedly returning to narcissists. 

To step out of the narcissist's life, learn to become detached from the narcissist and his delusions. This is an evolving process. It can take months or years, depending on the psychological power the narcissist has over his partner. It is up to you to make the move. The narcissist expects his spouse or mate to smoothly go along with his false inflated sense of reality. it is always better to listen to your pain before it reaches an unbearable level than to keep making excuses for the narcissist or blaming yourself for his/her insensitive demands and cruel behaviors. 

Take stock of who you really are and were before the narcissist entered your life. Be tolerant of yourself. Remember that you have been criticized  and demeaned by experts for years---first your parent(s), now the narcissist. Take time each day to be quiet with yourself. Becoming familiar with yourself as an individual and learning to appreciate your own company are all part of the process of detachment, separation and independent growth. You may find that skillful psychotherapy will be part of your set of tools. Having a good therapist with whom you form a therapeutic alliance can help you to perceive yourself as an independent, solid person of competence and value. Working through the core issues that led you into this dysfunctional relationship will help serve you in not repeating this destructive relationship pattern. 

Discover who your real  friends are and if you feel secure in disclosing your thoughts and feelings, share yourself with them. Work consistently at becoming physically, mentally and psychologically stronger. Get into a routine that you create that will achieve these goals. Be disciplined but patient with yourself. Some practices like tai chi, yoga and meditation steady the body, mind and psyche. Learn to appreciate your spontaneity and your capacity for giving and receiving affection and letting loose with your unique brand of humor. Write the narcissist out of your life with journaling. When we write down what we are feeling and thinking in a spontaneous way, a new reality about ourselves is revealed. We might look at a page of automatic written expression with a reaction of surprise and delight. As we repeat these internal and external activities, we become more familiar and loving toward ourselves and distanced from the narcissist's pathological thinking. Expect that you will dream again and realize a self  that is grounded and  shines with renewed creativity and hope. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinnyourlife.com ,