Narcissistic Relatives - Severing Ties
Everyone is faced with emotional and psychological issues with family members. Those who say their family is perfect, are either fabricating a story or sharing a delusion. Ancient sibling rivalries, feuds among in-laws, disagreements on religious and political principles, long held unacknowledged secrets, painful residues of favored siblings over other family members---these are some of the many issues affecting most families. Enter the narcissist or narcissists in a family constellation. Now you are dealing with serious issues that often cannot be resolved and become intolerable. From babyhood on, the narcissist rules his/her kingdom. Often it is the narcissistic parent who perceives one particular child as the special one, the savior of the family. The parent views this child as perfect, superior,incapable of making mistakes. These children are not expected to be aware of or understand the feelings of other family members or anyone else. The narcissistic brother or sister usurps the power in the household and everyone, including the parents,are beholden to him or her. These young tyrants grow into impossible adult narcissists. The structure of the narcissistic personality becomes more deeply ingrained and hardened as the child moves into adolescence and adulthood.
Siblings who have suffered at the hands of their cruel, churlish, dismissive, demeaning, and in some cases, sadistic narcissistic brother or sister, find that any interaction with them is exceedingly painful. The adult sibling, in-law, cousin of the narcissist, discovers that these individuals who were so superior and self satisfied and critical as children are more venomous as adults. Ugly, hurtful comments spew forth from their mouths, uncensored by any humane or merciful filter. Verbal attacks, petty criticisms, recriminations are catapulted forward in non-ending barrages by the narcissist. At the same time he or she is obsessively telling you grandiose stories of career achievement, monetary success, awards bestowed, honors given.
If you've ever been at a family gathering and become the recipient of a narcissistic relative's blast, you understand the cunning cruelty of their intent and their swift, unexpected shocking delivery. Narcissists are particularly skilled at the verbal ambush and it is especially wounding if you are alone with this viper. Narcissists are brazen and will deal out harsh deluded criticisms in front of family members and strangers alike. Narcissists are double agents and regularly sabotage one family member against the other.
At some point on the horizon, some individuals decide that they are unwilling to take any more abuse or be subjected to the narcissist's primitive cruel projections. This person says "No" by removing his physical, emotional and mental presence from the narcissist. Other family members stay put, circle the wagons and make excuses for the narcissist: "He's brilliant, just a little eccentric, loses his cool once in a while. It's no big deal." This group closes ranks around the narcissist and preserves the fictitious family fairy tale.
It is your choice to remove yourself permanently from the narcissist's presence in your life. Some of us make this decision to restore peace of mind and psychological equilibrium. They recognize that there never has been a genuine relationship with this individual in the first place so there can be no meaningful exchange in the present or future.
If you want to learn more about the specific nature of the narcissistic personality--family member, sibling, spouse, ex-spouse, in-law, etc and how to deal with these difficult complex individuals, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi,Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com
.
Siblings who have suffered at the hands of their cruel, churlish, dismissive, demeaning, and in some cases, sadistic narcissistic brother or sister, find that any interaction with them is exceedingly painful. The adult sibling, in-law, cousin of the narcissist, discovers that these individuals who were so superior and self satisfied and critical as children are more venomous as adults. Ugly, hurtful comments spew forth from their mouths, uncensored by any humane or merciful filter. Verbal attacks, petty criticisms, recriminations are catapulted forward in non-ending barrages by the narcissist. At the same time he or she is obsessively telling you grandiose stories of career achievement, monetary success, awards bestowed, honors given.
If you've ever been at a family gathering and become the recipient of a narcissistic relative's blast, you understand the cunning cruelty of their intent and their swift, unexpected shocking delivery. Narcissists are particularly skilled at the verbal ambush and it is especially wounding if you are alone with this viper. Narcissists are brazen and will deal out harsh deluded criticisms in front of family members and strangers alike. Narcissists are double agents and regularly sabotage one family member against the other.
At some point on the horizon, some individuals decide that they are unwilling to take any more abuse or be subjected to the narcissist's primitive cruel projections. This person says "No" by removing his physical, emotional and mental presence from the narcissist. Other family members stay put, circle the wagons and make excuses for the narcissist: "He's brilliant, just a little eccentric, loses his cool once in a while. It's no big deal." This group closes ranks around the narcissist and preserves the fictitious family fairy tale.
It is your choice to remove yourself permanently from the narcissist's presence in your life. Some of us make this decision to restore peace of mind and psychological equilibrium. They recognize that there never has been a genuine relationship with this individual in the first place so there can be no meaningful exchange in the present or future.
If you want to learn more about the specific nature of the narcissistic personality--family member, sibling, spouse, ex-spouse, in-law, etc and how to deal with these difficult complex individuals, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi,Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com
.
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 7/22/2009 11:30 PM 
Categories: family,self help,mental help,narcissism,marriage,narcissist
Tags: narcissistic siblings narcissistic parents narcissist's cruelty narcissist's projections narcissistic in-laws
Categories: family,self help,mental help,narcissism,marriage,narcissist
Tags: narcissistic siblings narcissistic parents narcissist's cruelty narcissist's projections narcissistic in-laws
Dear Linda,
As the adult daughter of a narcissist and the only sibling of her narcissist golden child, I can state without any hesitancy: You are extremely accurate in this essay.
What the extended family thinks of them is of the utmost importance and use family gatherings as a means of tranfering their behavior on the scapegoat. The method is to establish that they are perfcet and without fault, never say or do anything wrong and have the family believe that one person and one alone is responsible for and takes the punishment for their actions by re-writting history. By having the family "buy into this" the scapegoat is marked by everyone. Being degraded publicy and lied about, by those who are supposed to protect you when you are young, is a tramatic experience and existence. But once the seeds are sown, as an adult, I had no support or help from any other family member.
I severed all ties with my narcissists and the extended family severed with me under their instructions. My trying to tell them what really went on was met with distain and immediate isolation. Indeed they did circle the wagons around the narcissists. But, who really wants to admit that they were fooled and manipulated for decades? The protection of the narcissist is not only to preserve the fantasy family, but, moreover, it is the means to not have to face the dysfunction and abuse of one member and their part in it.
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Well said, exactly.
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I too was the scapegoated member of a very large narcissitic family. Recently I attended a family gathering (my birthday) and re-experienced the intense targeted pain that the scapegoat is subjected to. When I was a child most of my efforts at individualism or self expression were met with contempt and sneered upon, which over the years caused tremendous pain and self doubt. During my birthday weekend I was again confronted with this horrible pain. I went up to the hotel desk to request keys and resturant information and could feel the sneers and contempt from my family members as I, at 56 years old, took charge. Of course it was very subtle and only someone very tuned in would have noticed. My family probably were aware of what they were doing but felt justified, as once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. Very painful indeed.
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Dear Linda:
(re: Narcissistic Family Reunion - How to Deal with it Effectively)
I was reviewing your Blogs. For the past 30+ years I have pretty much severed and/or limited my ties w/my narcissistic New York jewish Mom and my elder narcissistic sisters.
My dad died young (1965) when I was 9. Then my mom made her eldest daughter the 'golden child' and surrogate spouse back then. Out of fear of my older sister, my middle aged sister was my older sister's echo too. So, I became the man of the house & scapegoat. I had no older male figure in my life too. I emotionally suffocated with a multitude of abuses, as all 3 women scape goated me to death. They virtually pitted themselves against me as one colossal narcissistic unit! At 17, I had my 1st nervous breakdown. At 21, I moved to Los Angeles. After many years of psychotherapy; support groups, religious spiritual healing; forgiveness, etc., I feel I have rehabbed myself. Family loneliness & relationships with women (I'm still single) are somewhat of an issue for me however, I'm proud to say I have remained 'the untouchable one' and I have my emotional freedom.
My mom is now 95, has dementia, is on a walker and resides in assisted living. I booked a flight to NYC during Labor Day to see my Mom. It may be my last chance to see her. I'm sure it will feel weird seeing them all together after many decades. My objective when I go back is to not give them any power; execute my autonomy; protect my thoughts and feelings, (I do not want to give them anything to feed off of) & do it with my best game face. In a way, I feel like a boxer climbing into the ring! I suspect they will invite me to a family get together and collectively work me over for family reconciliation. It would be nice if I could have a lawyer & shrink at my side too.... however I have a good friend who said he'd help me through it.
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Dear Barry: I have worked 30yrs to work on issues thru my life based on the abuse of a totally narcissistic Family of three Sisters and My Mother who have managed in just four year to reduce me back to a basket case. I'm very angry at the lost ground, but I'm picking up right where I'm at and putting the pieces back together. I've put all sibs and Mother on notice: Own your own and stay out of mine. Limited to no contact now. I'm devastated, I tried to love them as they were but it never mattered. I'm letting go and that includes they take responsibility for their own decisions and the actions thereof. I won't get involved, and I don't want to hear about it. They don't control my phone and I don't answer my door. I've taken away every available weapon but they find more. I've managed to hold them at bay for now but they will continue to challenge.
I have one out of control Sister who just brought around a stone cold narcissist who has already threatened the whole Family, she is turning him loose but he made a mistake by ramming into the immovable force, Me! Get strong
and don't waste time laying around lamenting the loss of these loosers in the Family. The only thing these bullies understand is direct and opposing force. They are cowards, and phonies. Confront them at every point of contact. Use their tactics against them, When the game is no longer fun they run away. And by all means, ignore them as much as possible they hate not being the center of attention. It is heartbreaking and difficult to wrestle power away from them but you can. Once you have the narcissist's corraled up they will manage to break free every now and again like at family gatherings.
I've found that if your willing to attack them with whatever they come at with you at the sake of causing a disturbance, also shocks them too. It's not the reaction they are used too. Take back your power and self control. Get together with friends for the Holidays and do not allow them to know any of your friends. Stay very personal give them nothing and be very happy. They also hate happy people, have a blast at their expense and show them no fear, they are like wild dogs that eat their young. They deserve nothing less than to be given back what they give and loosing their grip on your emotions You can effectively combat them, You can win and sometimes it's great fun to watch them squirm around in a panic for a way out. And then watch them slink back into their corners where they belong they are pathetic creatures.
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I'm sitting here shaking my head. I know the drills so well. I just got my first "blast" from my brother. (I'm the scapegoat.) I'm nipping it in the bud, been there--done that, with my mother for over 40 years! He's getting nothing from me!
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