Narcissistic Stepmother-Nightmare
Fairy tales of wicked stepmothers crowd human memory throughout the ages. Some declare that these are the exaggerations of an overactive imagination, a delusional attempt to purposely impugn another individual's character. Many people don't want to believe how cruel, venal and destructive other human beings can be. The narcissistic stepmother is a classic when she is acting out her raw psychopathology upon her stepchildren. The damage sustained by them is profound and palpable. There are a large percentage of stepmothers in our society today who are performing a magnificent job, loving and raising their children. In this article, I am addressing the specific subject of the female narcissistic personality who is a stepmother.
Some narcissistic women purposely seek out male spouses who are psychologically weak, emasculated and vulnerable. Their purpose is not to form a meaningful, intimate relationship with this man but to gain certain monetary and power positions through their marriage to him. This man is a particularly tempting target if he is wealthy and has been widowed. In one instance, an older affluent man who had just lost his wife of many decades was completely at loose ends. He attended a grief counseling group. Within less than month the grief counselor (a narcissistic personality disorder) had smoothly insinuated herself on his life and become "indispensable." She pushed for marriage, got her way and became the sole legal recipient of his fortune, despite the rights and wishes of his grown children.
When the widower or divorced man has children, the dynamic become very complex and the psychological consequences to his children are serious and negative. The first revelation is that the narcissistic stepmother doesn't care a whit about what she views as expendable human barriers, the stepchildren. These women put on a convincing act in the beginning to anchor themselves within the family. Her primary focus is cementing the psychological glue of her marriage to a man who can provide her with everything she wants. Faking sexual intimacy is one of her skillful ploys. Her next step is to achieve complete emotional and financial control over him so that she is in full command of all the members of the household and is free to have every asset at her disposal. She achieves this goal by isolating her spouse from his children or turning him against them through a calculated plan to become the only significant person in his life.
Some narcissistic stepmothers play one sibling off the other by creating favoritea and offering him or her special attention and material rewards in exchange for unquestioned alligence. Children who are more independent in their thinking and can see through the stepmother's machinations are marginalized and dismissed. In extreme cases, a powerful narcissist will persuade her spouse that one of his children is causing her emotional distress or that he or she is mentally or psychologically disturbed. This is a maneuver that thrusts this child off the radar and isolates him from the other children in the family and their psychologically weak, delusional father.
The psychological consequences to children of narcissistic stepmothers is profound and painful. In the case of the death of their mother, the children have not had an opportunity to grieve her loss and are intruded upon by a cold calculating woman who is replacing their mother in their father's affections. There is a horror that they experience, watching their father mesmerized and intimately involved with another woman and assuming the role as his wife and their stepmother. Having what feels like a stranger in charge of their lives, and knowing that she is manipulating their father, they feel emotionally trapped, boxed in, and helpless under the sway of a narcissistic stepmother who has unmitigated power over their father. Some narcissistic stepmothers remain in the game long enough to cash in on the greatest prize of all: the husband's fortune. There are a number of cases in which the frail, weakened, dependent, deluded spouse was masterfully tricked into changing his will and turning over all of his assets to the narcissistic wife at the exclusion of his children.
There will always be malevolent, narcissistic stepmothers. The more highly informed we are about the psychodynamics and predictable behaviors of the narcissistic personality disorder, the greater chances of protecting our children. Shining the light of knowledge on these highly destructive personalities, clarifies, strengthens and provides solid hope to our children and ourselves. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com
Some narcissistic women purposely seek out male spouses who are psychologically weak, emasculated and vulnerable. Their purpose is not to form a meaningful, intimate relationship with this man but to gain certain monetary and power positions through their marriage to him. This man is a particularly tempting target if he is wealthy and has been widowed. In one instance, an older affluent man who had just lost his wife of many decades was completely at loose ends. He attended a grief counseling group. Within less than month the grief counselor (a narcissistic personality disorder) had smoothly insinuated herself on his life and become "indispensable." She pushed for marriage, got her way and became the sole legal recipient of his fortune, despite the rights and wishes of his grown children.
When the widower or divorced man has children, the dynamic become very complex and the psychological consequences to his children are serious and negative. The first revelation is that the narcissistic stepmother doesn't care a whit about what she views as expendable human barriers, the stepchildren. These women put on a convincing act in the beginning to anchor themselves within the family. Her primary focus is cementing the psychological glue of her marriage to a man who can provide her with everything she wants. Faking sexual intimacy is one of her skillful ploys. Her next step is to achieve complete emotional and financial control over him so that she is in full command of all the members of the household and is free to have every asset at her disposal. She achieves this goal by isolating her spouse from his children or turning him against them through a calculated plan to become the only significant person in his life.
Some narcissistic stepmothers play one sibling off the other by creating favoritea and offering him or her special attention and material rewards in exchange for unquestioned alligence. Children who are more independent in their thinking and can see through the stepmother's machinations are marginalized and dismissed. In extreme cases, a powerful narcissist will persuade her spouse that one of his children is causing her emotional distress or that he or she is mentally or psychologically disturbed. This is a maneuver that thrusts this child off the radar and isolates him from the other children in the family and their psychologically weak, delusional father.
The psychological consequences to children of narcissistic stepmothers is profound and painful. In the case of the death of their mother, the children have not had an opportunity to grieve her loss and are intruded upon by a cold calculating woman who is replacing their mother in their father's affections. There is a horror that they experience, watching their father mesmerized and intimately involved with another woman and assuming the role as his wife and their stepmother. Having what feels like a stranger in charge of their lives, and knowing that she is manipulating their father, they feel emotionally trapped, boxed in, and helpless under the sway of a narcissistic stepmother who has unmitigated power over their father. Some narcissistic stepmothers remain in the game long enough to cash in on the greatest prize of all: the husband's fortune. There are a number of cases in which the frail, weakened, dependent, deluded spouse was masterfully tricked into changing his will and turning over all of his assets to the narcissistic wife at the exclusion of his children.
There will always be malevolent, narcissistic stepmothers. The more highly informed we are about the psychodynamics and predictable behaviors of the narcissistic personality disorder, the greater chances of protecting our children. Shining the light of knowledge on these highly destructive personalities, clarifies, strengthens and provides solid hope to our children and ourselves. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 7/19/2009 12:47 PM 
Categories: self help, female narcissists, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: husband's fortune widower wicked stepmother stepchildren suffer fake intimacy
Categories: self help, female narcissists, narcissism, mental health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: husband's fortune widower wicked stepmother stepchildren suffer fake intimacy
My husband's MOTHER is the narcissist. His step-mom is actually the "normal" one. His mother would always "give", but not without "diabolical strings" attached. Finally, when her "puppet son" wouldn't jump like he had in the past...she began her cruel mission. When we distanced ourselves from her toxic cruelty, she slandered me throughout town telling everyone that I was controlling and had stolen her son and was isolating him from his family. No mention of the horrible, humiliating things she did, that led us to decide to stay away. She is the evilest person. I'd match her against Charles Mason any day - she'd eat him alive. And yet, she plays "the helpless little victim" like a charm...and some people actually buy it. Recently, she had some one tell us that she was "sick and of ill-health". Sure.
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very, very insightful. Almost perfectly describes our unenviable situation.
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This describes my step-mother perfectly. She destroyed any relationship my father had with his natural children and convinced him that none of us loved him and were only out to use him. The real person using him was discovered at the time of his death. He needed to have heart surgery and was convinced that insead of using the finest surgeon in FL, he would be better served to have this intensive heart surgery in a two floor 'nursing home' nearer their home town. That of course ended his life. And, she got all of his money. I wish this issue was studied more and their were more psychologists that deal with the traumas caused by these women. I am now 57 years old and still suffering from the damage she inflicted on myself and my sisters.
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BBM - My stepmother has completely convinced my dad that "we don't love him" and her family, 2 sons a daughter and grandchildren love him like their own father and grandfather. She has repeatedly over the years somehow convinced him that this is true. It is very sad and heartbreaking, but it really helps to read that there are other people who know what my sister and I are going through. She has even convinced my daughter and husband that I am the "bad" guy.
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I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality , it's rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..
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Linda - I have the stepmother you wrote about. My dad is dying of cancer, and she has successfully separated him from my sister and I with her lies and manipulations. Yet, she makes it look to him like we are "hurting her by how we treat her". We know that we can't win, no matter what we do. Everything he says to us is a tape recorded message in his head that I know she must repeat to him over and over when she is with him. She is a very, very good actress, and has everyone, even my husband and children convinced that my sister and I are the "crazy" ones. I am going to give your article to my husband and children to read, but at this point, she is just too convincing, I am not sure how much it will help. Thank you.
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Wow...sure does sound like a familiar story hitting home with my situation. Fortunately I have listened to my intiution for the last ten years, I have been the mother and father to my children (mother died..yes, I was a weathy widower) and it is not too late to pull the plug on the stepmother who is evil even though she does not think she is. We fit the classic picture of where the stepmother has isolated the Dad, and then tries to blame problems in the relationship on the daughter, wanting her banished from the home and our lives!
Very insightful. So, how does one deal with the Narcissist Stepmother?
Tahnks,
Ron
It is OK to post my comment!
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wow,
sounds like my situation, only difference is I am the falsely accused narcissistic stepmother who married a widower with two children--Wealthy? i came to the marriage with MORE assets than the widower--it is quite possible that the woman (me) married the widower because she LOVED him. His children harbored tremendous animosity and were extremely negative towards the new young wife, as the new couple were affectionate and expressed their love for each other in front of the children, who had recently lost their mom. Did the stepmom want to cut her husband off from his kids---or was she the one suggesting they take bi-annual trips together (without wife!).
Perhaps this narcissistic stepmom could just barely stand the hatefulness that was tossed her direction by 18 and 21 yr old stepchildren, she never hated them-- she could barely tolerate their mean, hurtful nature towards her. Doesn't a narcissistic stepmother stick around for the money, or have some goal or underhanded prize in mind?? This stepmom at times earned MORE than the husband--why would she stick around, if she did passionately care for her husband, as financially she would have come out ahead if she had left years ago!
This narcissistic stepmom WAS panicked by the idea of the daughter moving home after college, because she knew her soul might not survive the torrent of hatred and coldness that would be coming her way daily, from the 21 yr old stepdaughter, and she knew her husband did not care if she was hurt, or how she felt.
In my situation, the 18 yr old son tape recorded the "narcissistic" stepmom,(venting with girlfriends about how the husband allowed his kids to disrespect her and be hateful over the holidays) and photographed her emails, in order to coerce his dad into leaving the "narcissistic" stepmom recently.
Am I really a narcissistic stepmother, or a woman that sadly fell head over heels in love with a man that had his own children,and issues (due to the death of their mother) , who tried to tolerate his kids, until the hatefulness just got too overwhelming, and who financially certainly did not benefit from the union.
I believe there is another name for this situation, not "narcissistic stepmother. It is a shame this family blames the "narcissistic" stepmom for all their troubles, as the issues are unlikely to go away, even if the stepmom does.
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@Janna
quoted from above: "In extreme cases, a powerful narcissist will persuade her spouse that one of his children is causing her emotional distress or that he or she is mentally or psychologically disturbed. This is a maneuver that thrusts this child off the radar and isolates him from the other children in the family and their psychologically weak, delusional father."
Seems to perfectly describe your statement:
"This narcissistic stepmom WAS panicked by the idea of the daughter moving home after college, because she knew her soul might not survive the torrent of hatred and coldness that would be coming her way daily, from the 21 yr old stepdaughter, and she knew her husband did not care if she was hurt, or how she felt."
just something I observed...what does your stepdaughter do to classify her as a torrent of hatred and coldness anyhow?
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I am the falsely accused narcissistic stepmother who married a widower with two children--Wealthy? i came to the marriage with MORE assets than the widower--it is quite possible that the woman (me) married the widower because she LOVED him. His children harbored tremendous animosity and were extremely negative towards the new young wife, as the new couple were affectionate and expressed their love for each other in front of the children, who had recently lost their mom. Did the stepmom want to cut her husband off from his kids---or was she the one suggesting they take bi-annual trips together (without wife!).
Perhaps this narcissistic stepmom could just barely stand the hatefulness that was tossed her direction by 18 and 21 yr old stepchildren, she never hated them-- she could barely tolerate their mean, hurtful nature towards her. Doesn't a narcissistic stepmother stick around for the money, or have some goal or underhanded prize in mind?? This stepmom at times earned MORE than the husband--why would she stick around, if she did passionately care for her husband, as financially she would have come out ahead if she had left years ago!
This narcissistic stepmom WAS panicked by the idea of the daughter moving home after college, because she knew her soul might not survive the torrent of hatred and coldness that would be coming her way daily, from the 21 yr old stepdaughter, and she knew her husband did not care if she was hurt, or how she felt.
In my situation, the 18 yr old son tape recorded the "narcissistic" stepmom,(venting with girlfriends about how the husband allowed his kids to disrespect her and be hateful over the holidays) and photographed her emails, in order to coerce his dad into leaving the "narcissistic" stepmom recently.
Am I really a narcissistic stepmother, or a woman that sadly fell head over heels in love with a man that had his own children, and issues (due to the death of their mother) , who tried to tolerate his kids, until the hatefulness just got too overwhelming, and who financially certainly did not benefit from the union more than if she had been by herself.
This stepmom did not want the kids to “go away”, she just hoped the daily dose of hatred hurled in her direction would be lessened, or at least not have to be tolerated by the stepmom, daily, in the near future.
I believe there is another name for this situation, not "narcissistic stepmother. It is a shame this family blames the "narcissistic" stepmom for all their troubles, as the issues are unlikely to go away, even if the stepmom does.
janna
ok to respond to me!
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Well from the other side, I would have to ask What did YOU do to make the kids feel 1000 % welcome in YOUR life. They are already traumatized and YOu being adult I would assume you Did absolutely everything in your power to let them know to take their time and someday you would be friends. I see no empathy for what these 18 and 21 year olds may have been feeling, I only see you venting here on how you were not at fault. If you are not narcissistic then perhaps you could look at the situation as if these were teens trying to adjust and you were the adult. Surely you can understand how you complaining about them and not suggesting counselling for the family to adjust may be part of the problem here
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I am the mother dealing with the stepmother. our child is 7. As of this morning I have been informed now if I need to let the father know anything I must contact and go through her only.If you are married to a npd step mother.... get out now before you lose your kids. My ex has already begun alienating the 25 year old daughter, because step mother feels hurt by her actions.... give me a break.I am a product of a npd mother, and a nnarcissist mother. I am a grown woman who still feels nauseated when I have to deal with those personalities. currently the couselor is teaching how to set boundries and I still stink at it. But with lots of prayer I hope to stop their chaos from spilling into my world.
God bless you in your journey.
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Wow, if this describe alot what we are going through. My 70 year old father has been living with a narcisstic woman (gold digger) and her leech son(47)for almost 2 years. She sought him out 2 years after my mom had died (our families knew of one another and shared mutual friends). Oh she was so impressive in the beginning, charming us with her outrageousness and wit. It didn't take long for her to start her controlling,criticizing,bullying techmiques and her lying. All pictures of our family have been put in the closet at my dad's home. Although she has a picture of herself on his bureau. My mom's urn has been put in the closet. She went through our box of family pictures and sorted them out. Her pictures are now in there. Oh and then she started to criticize the grandkids behavior. They didn't get up off the couch when she was around, they didn't say hi to her the way she expected, said they were rude... But her son is so perfect. Never worked a real job, works when he wants to. She manages his money and checkbook and who cares what else. Needless to say she has disowned her eldest son, and his children. (His fault of course) She refuses to take blame for any problems and always turns it around back to us. She lied and SHE told us she was a teacher. Find out she never was a teacher but an teacher's assistant. When confronted, she became extremely angry and stated she never told us that, blamed my dad for telling us she was (lie). We live in the same county and I hadn't seen him for almost 2 months. She doesn't like him coming over to our house, because he is close to us and she can't have that. She accused me of being jealous of her. Yeah, I'm jealous of an overweight 73 year old. My dad wants us to like her, I can't stomach her. I refused to invite her over for Christmas Eve, told him he was always welcome in my home, but under the circumstances, she is not. He said he understood, Well she was offended. I have 2 sisters which she's managed to tick off 2 of the 3 of us so far. He wrote an email to my sister stating she doesn't know why we turned on her, don't like her she's been a good friend to her and if we continue to dislike her she would leave the relationship, which he said he would be mad at us and sad. I'm waiting for the next blowup. I've told my other sister to be very careful, as she is getting along with her at this time. I'm waiting for another incident, as from what i read, it's only a matter of time for these nasty human beings.I've also read that's what these people do, create chaos with others. I'm wondering,and praying for my dad to realize what really is going on, or will he realize it at the cost of his family? Is there a support forum for us as this whole ordeal is causing great anxiety.
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I think your dad and my dad are with the same person, only the woman my dad was with got him to marry her 9 years ago, so she has complete control of all his money, stocks, savings, lock boxes, etc. She has made him believe they can't live on $80,000 a year, and he doesn't even have a house payment, but I believe that has been because she has been socking away money over the years in her own accounts. She took away his ability to have cash in his wallet, or to even write a check about 3 years into their marriage. My dad doesn't even have a clue to her evil side, and all he can do is ask us why we are so mean to her, when we have not done anything to her, but tried to stay out of her way. It is because we are not reacting any more that she is getting more frenzie, I feel. I bought my dad a nice walker to use as he was falling down alot, and somehow she made that into it being about her and I am not being nice to her. She is very controlling and does not want our father to have any relationship with my sister or I, only her family and granchildren. She has him calling her daughter his daughter now. Thanks for responding. It still helps to know we are not the only people that have these crazy people in our life...
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It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this crap. This whole situation has caused so much bitterness and bewilderment. We've always had a good relationship. What gets me is that she thinks she has a right to go through our family's stuff. And she's so jealous of my mom, even though she's no longer with us. I've been seeing a counselor and she's alot of help, although I wish I could see her on a weekly basis at times. The anxiety that this whole situation has caused me is unbearable at times, but I have to try and remember what comes of this is out of my control and I need to let it be. I've come to the point that I am going to back off and out of this picture and perhaps eventually he will open his eyes and if not, I don't know. At this point I need to take care of myself and my family which I have not been doing. She is trying to force herself into our lives and refuses to back off. There are no boundarys with this bitch. We even had a meeting with both of them, after the holidays, as she was offended she wasn't invited over and everything came back at me as it was all my fault and when confronted about the issues that I had, they all became my fault. I had adamantly refused to meet with just her as she wanted to, and I insisted that my dad and husband be included and boy did that piss her off. But knowing how manipulative she was I insisted. Everything that was discussed, came back at me. And my dad never defended me once. Thanks. She said she didn't know where I was dreaming up this stuff. I also will continue to refuse to invite this woman into my home as she has taken advantage of our hospitality and kindness and I'm not going to put up or tolerate this woman's crazyness in my life no more. If this means I don't get to see my Dad than so be it. I absolutely refuse. If she dropped over tomorrow, I could care less. Although my dad would be awfully lonely again and that was hard to witness.
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Midnite-
I too have a Stepmother exactly like the one described. Complete controller. My father is entranced in her web of destruction, which is hardest to deal with as we used to be close, before she pitted us against eachother. Bitch.
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So how have you or anyone else suffering from this dealt with all this, it's so draining on us.
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Wow, over the last few years of my life it has become blazingly apparent that I have surrounded myself with npd
people. About 2 years ago, through spiritual guidance, I began researching this disorder to figure out what had been happening in my own marriage. He had been uncooperative, kept secrets,charmed our counselor to HIS side (also npd i believe now) created 120,000 in debt and loss (not including cars and house).Then refused to show me the finances for the next 3 years until he moved out, claiming i was too controlling, and could not be pleased or satisfied. To the world he appears to be father of the year and was trying for husband of the year in public.almost 2 years after separation I gave up the ghost and filed for divorce. Long story short, i am a recovering codependent to npd and now I am struggling to co parent with him and my children's narcissistic step mother.
She has stopped all contact between him and I ,I am only allowed to text or email her, the alienation of my oldest girl ,who sees right through her has begun.
I am a hair stylist and they took my 7 year old to another salon, without telling me, then posted pictures on face book. Then told the child they would be caring for her hair.Now the alienation of me as her mother begins, albeit subtle. I have been accused of "turning " our child against her because our 7 year old did not ask to speak to her one night on the phone. They insisted until recently, on talking to our girl EVERY NIGHT, claiming it best interest for the child. They show up every day after school even when someone else is there to pick her up. (until I mentioned how other peole think there is a control issue going on with this)Step mother hates for people to think ill of her. at least I know her achilles heal now. We do not disparage the father nor the step mother to our child. She refuses to read the coparenting books our girl's councellor reccomened all 4 of her parents read including the steps. claiming she doesn't need books to teach her how to raise kids, she is a great mother. Every conversation about our child becomes about the step mother evry time.
Being at a loss on how to coparent in this highly conflicted situation my husband and myself are taking parenting classes and researching websites, going to counelling and just trying to create a very cohesive , safe environment here for our daughter.
So far , she still loves going there as the step mother is making our child the center of the universe but since the marriage is now done we believe things are going to slowly shift to being ALL about the step mother. Any advice or other similar stories so we know we are not alone in this are welcoe.
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During our (ex and I) last conversation, about where I have been the last 6 years for our child and how they are refusing to co parent with me about her hair etc, I asked repeatedly how would you like to see this talk go? or How would you prefer our coparenting go? That was like harnessing a swarm of bees.
I have learned to record all important conversations for 3 reasons, 1, to keep me clear on what was said and hold me accountable to my attitude. 2, in case he fights for more custody of our child. I have him on tape admitting he has given the step mother "95%" of the responsibility and she is the "main care giver" of our child there. Not to mention the questioning my parenting skills. Yes, he knows I record these talks. That is what makes it more bizarre. He knows and yet he says things like this. 3, to keep me clear on the he said she said games. The npd person is a master at shifting what was said and they "forget" agreements, and tell others how horribly verbally abusive you were etc. recording helps me know I AM NOT CRAZY.
After an hour of spinning our wheels to no conclusion,I finally said bluntly that I think it is time to get all 4 adults into see our child's councelor. We need to all be on the same co parent page . To this her reply was "we do not need the help, yall do, so we will be there" Of course now there is a ceasefire because she honestly does not want to go to coparent councel and find out she might not be perfect. My new husband and myself are going anyway to learn better coping skills, starting tomorrow because I am very aware of the calm before the next storm, thanks to my mother. These personalities simply thrive on drama. I am recovering from needing others to stir drama in my life.
Ironically, the stepmother uses the exaCT same verbage and language as my npd mother. They never need help, it is ALWAYS someone elses fault, the other person is always damaged in some way and they are so dang near perfect it is pitiful.
For me I have talked to 6 different lawyers, getting all kinds of advice.
I document and keep all emails, cd's of all conversations and all texts, good and bad. As for the healing about my mother, I spent years in therapy trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Stayed with one therapist for 20 something years not realizing she is probably npd as well. oh< I can see it all so clearly now.
unfortunately, I still need help with that self doubt narcissists instill in their victims. I still wonder if I could try one more thing, say the magic words, plant the perfect seed, or even worse... maybe 'I' am the one who is crazy, maybe 'I' am the narcissist. Maybe what they are doing is normal and I just LOVE to make a "mountain out of a molehill".
I am 47 years old and am very happy I have learned my mind. They are still there to me but quieter these days. so I wait, wait for the next storm and pray to get stronger and have quieter thoughts....
to put those thoughts to the back ofhaun
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wow. My ex married a woman who thought we should be friends. I can do that. It did not take long for me to realize I was being used for information. She reminded me repeatedly how all of this was for the child etc. I told her we would not be able to discuss my ex or his family after she wanted to hear my side of the story. I was careful to give her the information of what THEY felt etc, trying to remain as neutral as possible.
BIG MISTAKE. My ex has narcissistic tendendencies and set me up on many occasions to look as if I had an anger problem or look as if I was simply never happy. One thing I know for sure, it is very difficulty and virtually impossible to be happy in a relationship with a narcissist. I created a world of friends and extra curricular activities, took dance and singing lessons to give myself other areas of happiness. I gave him COMPLETE control over our finances so he could feel like the "head of his household" and I could be The kind of partner he needed me to be. This was the beginning of the end. The debt I had no idea about was ridiculously high. There was no reason for this either as we both made six figures and I had worked hard to keep us out of debt. Like Alli we found counsel and he charmed her as well.
Now the new step mother gets her knickers twisted if she texts to have our daughter call them and I call the fathers number. Or if I have our daughter call him first if she is at work. Seriously, I have gotten to the point I already know the next move I make will be the wrong move for her. If I leave my phone in the car I panic that they will attack me as a mother. they have. a few months ago when they were newly living together, step mother asked me to allow her 15 year old to watch my 7 year old all summer every day while i worked. I work at home and choose to put her in a daycare during summer to keep her busy, swimming , activities etc. I said no I prefer the program she was in. step mom asks 2 more x last one stating how this will give her 15 year old something to do, save me money AND at least our child would be with family. Family? They had only known my child 3 months and the daycare had been part of our lives for 5 1/2 years. The owner is our friend. The next thing I knew I was no longer allowed to contact the ex by phone only emails because I had called to see if they could keep our girl an extra day so I could travel for work. As soon as i got off the phone I emailed what we had just discussed (as per a previous agreement of follow up). I emailed to soon and I should have waited, soI was no longer allowed to do both. But as you know with npd, you must do both to be clear. Now I record conversations. and keep all texts and emails. It is a difficult task but it is necessary or I feel I am losing my mind. I am going to a counselor to deal with their chaos but still feel sick when I see an email or text as I know the accusations and chaos follows. I know she simply cannot help herself and they need chaos....
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I was ambushed. That's the best way to describe it. I thought we were going to discuss Christmas but instead I walked into what can best be described as a "bitching" session. I must admit she (new step mother) presented her evidence with passion and fire, but her flaw was attacking my mother and the fact the I call stepdad 'Pops'. (She found out about this through my 7-year-old sister who saw it written on a Christmas gift under the tree. Never mind that the handful of times I've called him that have been in writing.)
She exhibited jealousy as she asked me what was so special about my stepfather and why he and I have such a close relationship. I told her stepdad
was teaching me how to deal with some of my anger and frustrations. She told me I don't know stepdad and that he changed his name. I told her I do know him and I let him into my life because he wanted to be there. She complained that he and mom where engaged before mom was divorced conveniently forgetting the fact that for the last two years before the divorce 'Dad' didn't live with us and even before that a reconciliation in the marriage was a ball that was in his court. He dropped it. He chose not to hold up his end of the bargain. He left us.
Where was 'Dad' during this ambush? Sitting to the side not saying a damn thing and when he did try to say something well, that was quelled pretty quickly. She told me I was hurting 'Dad' by calling stepdad 'Pops'. Never mind that he is not my biological father and for the eight years (beginning at age two) I called him 'Dad' before my biological father died it hurt my own father immensely to hear me call another man 'daddy'. When I stated this fact, she told me that my father was gone and that I need to grow up. I told her I can't know if something is hurting 'Dad' if he doesn't say anything.
"He's not going to," she said. Apparently they where both hurt by my accepting another man as a positive male role model in my life. To which I looked to 'Dad',
"Does it hurt you?" He said yes and went on to say how over the moon he was when I first called him 'daddy' and that he didn't like my father, but he was sad when he passed on and that he was sorry that he didn't see how much it hurt my father. So, to recap I can call him 'Dad' despite the fact that he's not my biological father and it hurt my own father, but I can't call step dad 'Pops' because it hurts 'Dad'. (Confused? Me too.)
She went onto say that she walked into school one day and baby sis said her 'Mom' was there. She pulled baby sis aside and informed her that she was her 'Step-mom' because she just knew that baby sis calling her 'Mom' would hurt Mom. (Yeah, it wouldn't.) She then started in on how my mother is uncooperative and that she can't get a straight answer from her and how Mom was disrespectful because she didn't ask to take pictures of the kids at the wed… I'm sorry her wedding. I was her day. I "spit in her face" by taking a picture of baby sis and
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and I "spit in her face" by wanting to take a picture of just my brother
, baby sis, and me with my phone. O-kay…..
At one point I was so sick of her attack on Mom that I grabbed my keys and started for the door. That's when she questioned my maturity and said we where all adults. (But I'm not allowed to make the adult decision to call my step dad 'Pops'?) She asked again what was so different about her and Eli and why could I accept him but not her. I told her Eli came with references. She immediately told me to go talk to every kid in her old home town. So, I clarified and said that there where mutual friends involved. (While screaming in my head, that he's not a crazy person.) I told her I've cut her personality type from life and that to accept her I was slowly reintegrating that personality back into my life.
I went on to talk about my fear of something happening to 'Dad' and how Susan, my once step-mother, treated me after my dad passed. I told her that I didn't want that for baby sis She told me several times that baby sis is her daughter and she'd die for that girl. I told her Susan used to say the same thing. She then said she would take Mom to court and fight for rights to see baby sis if something happened to 'Dad'. (I don't buy it.)
At one point I asked her if she wanted to start over to which after much what can best be described as 'bitching' she said she did, but she wanted me to have my own opinions and that she knows my mom hates her and that she hates my mom too, but she wants us to be friends. (I hate your mom but I want to be your friend… What's wrong with that statement?)
By this time dinner was ready and baby sis reappeared. (Did I mention she was fifteen feet down the hall in a room with a TV on during all of this? Yeah, she was down the hall fifteen feet away.) She became a completely different person and after a beer she became an almost pleasant person>
This was supposed to be a CHRISTMAS meeting to discuss holiday plans with my 25 year old daughter. The above is HER take on this so called meeting....
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Well , the meeting I have described above betwwen step mother and my 25 year old daughter as well as an email eluding to us(my husband) not respecting our 7 year old when she is changing, sent up my hackles. I realize now that this woman is more than just immature, she is manipulative and even evil. Let me clarify something. I NEVER said I hate her. In fact I have NEVER felt or thought enough of stepmother to have those deep feelings about her. In the beginning I was truly hoping we could get along, however it became clear rather quickly she was only after what SHE could gain to further her cause. I finally hired a private investigator and started digging around myself. So here is what I have so far, This woman has a dwi for driving with 4 kids in the car with her, 5 years probation which she violates repeatedly by frequenting alcohol serving establishments, then posting pictures on facebook and tagging themselves to that location. PLEASE! Are these people just TRYING to get caught??? Seriously. There are pictures of my ex holding beer cans with his arm around her with dates and times. Luckily I have a friend who works right next door to stepmother'S probation officer. Step mother is checking in twice a month and is supposed to report going out of town or the country. Well, the delayed honeymoon cruise they are taking leaves Monday. And guess what?? Stepmother did not report it. So probation officer called stepmother to give her the chance to tell the truth on where she is going.
shocker, she lied and said only to visit family and no where else. Crazy? Well, it gets better. She is bragging and counting down on facebook the cruise.She even said which cruiseline. These people , if given enough rope will hang themselves. I hope she violates enough they give her jail time.
At least for a while we will be free from her insecure, tyrannical tyrades. And my baby girl will be free for a while.
But I have been informed she may get yet another break if the judge feels it necessary. Stepmother will cry and say she did not know the rules, manipulate any way she can and then feel powerful she made yet another probation officer feel sorry for her.l BLEH. How do these people get away with these games? I supoose it is because they are so convincing. At first she shmoozed me and told me she wants to learn from me about spiritual things and be friends, soon she was trying to get me to let her 15 year old watch my child 40 hours a week and when I said no, I like her dayschool summer program, she asked two more times pleading that at least the child would be with family and not strangers. Frankly that angered me because the ex husband did not correct her and let her know that these dayschool workers were personal friends who have helped take care of our daughter for 5 1/2 years. Of course I responded with a simple, still not comfortable with that and all hell broke loose. Fom then on I was only allowed to call or email but not both and the games began.
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Wow this is so true of our situation where the day after our mother moved out dads girlfriend moved in and starting talking lies to dad and telling lies to each of us about each other in order to split us up. Dad listened to everything she said, stopped spending any time with any of my siblings or myself and instead of encouraging and offering affirmation to my younger sister who was loosing confidence in her self as a young teenager dad began to tell her that she was depressing to be around and a waist of his time. It's sad not only how pathetic an psychology weak minded he is to believe what our step mother lies about us but that he is using his words to support my younger sisters biggest fears and insecurities in thinking she isn't good enough to be his daughter. The stepmother couldn't care less and is more pleased with herself each time one of us leave home for good. I know this is not true of every step mother as there are some amazing mothers out there. A sad but very real situation for us but me and my siblings have and will stick together and when my father is old and has nothing to do with his kids or grandchildren maybe then he will see it. At the end of the day it will be his loss and fault for not being man enough to stick up for his kids.
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I wouldn't wish an evil 'narcasistic' step-monster on my worst enemy!! I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl. Marilyn is a text book example of this mental condition. My dad is not the same man, she has literally sucked the life out of him.
She drove her first husband nutty, he committed death by cop, and I pray every night that my dad will snap out of it and see the truth. This woman has made our lives a living hell!! How do I deal with her? I am not a violent person, but I wish that my father would bring her to my house for a visit. She will not be leaving here in the same condition as when she arrived. Please help me!! I have read a little bit about this evil mental disorder. Is there any hope of escape? Is there anyway for us to reach 'our dad' and bring him back? Dad wants to escape, but she has convinced him that she has the power to REALLY hurt his kids. I've tried being nice and I'm a loser. I've told her that she is not even a hair on my Mom's ass and she convinced my dad to not claim me or his grandchildren, so I stay away and purposely avoid holidays. So my latest experiment is to tell her how wonderful she is... after the last batch of stupidity, I just told my dad that I was done fighting for a father who didn't think we were worth his effort. I HATE hurting my dad, he was so GREAT!! I know he loves us but I feel like we lost him too, we just haven't buried him yet. How do we get rid of this demon? I also hate the fact that other people have to deal with this kind of MONSTER!! Can we round up all the evil step-parents in the world and put them on a remote island?
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I just read the recent posting on evil stepmothers. Wow! I thought I was the only one that had such feelings. I agree, I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy, if I had one. I really felt that I was crazy, which I learned they want you to feel that way. I now know I am not, she is. She wants control over everything... My Dad, us grown kids, the grandkids, his MONEY and his possessions. And they aren't even married. She destroyed her own family and her grandkids. Only1lilbit, you are a bigger and stronger person than I am, there's no way that I can even be nice to her, or in the same room. She is not welcome in my home, nor do I celebrate the holidays with them. To me it's not worth the emotional upset it would cost me or my kids. Unfortunately I don't get to see my Dad then either but that's okay... I don't have to see him on those particular days, I just want to see him occasionally (without her. She continues to play her games, but guess what... I don't reciprocate. I know it kills her that I feel this way, for she has had my Dad ask me, "What is it exactly that you don't like about Jessie?" I responded with, "Are you kidding me? I am not going there again. You know exactly why." He was there the night we tried to work things out and she told me I was dreaming things up and she basically implied I was wrong with everything!" I wasted too much of my time on the situation and I am done. She'll eventually have to find some one(s) else to create havoc with. It's a habit of hers. And that day will come. I believe in Karma, I just hope to be able to see it for myself. Don't get me wrong it hurts, it hurts alot. With time it gets somewhat better. Unfortunately there isn't alot of support out there unless you pay for it with therapy. I don't know how old your Dad is? Have they been together a long time? Does she have any serious health problems? Just Kidding. Mine is 71 and after he lost my Mom a couple of years ago was absolutely lost and so lonely. This Bimbo is the first he dated and she all but threw herself at him, moving him into her and her 47 year old deadbeat sons home, 2 months after they started dating. I understand this, but there are so many nice women out there... At least he could have chosen one that respected his family. But again... she wants it this way. He does love you. And continue to let him know that you all love him, and pray that he opens his eyes to what she really is and what is really going on. P.S. I'd love to know where that island is.
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n.
February 10 2011
Today my child came home and said to me, “notice anything different about me?” Immediately I looked at her earrings and she was wearing a different pair than the 14 k white gold ones I had just had my husband buy to put in her crusty , angry left ear. we went back to the original place they were pierced and told them the problem. These were the earrings they recommended for her.
She came home playing with her dolphin earrings, turning them, taking the backs off, then she said she was practicing taking them out and putting them back in.
As she was doing this she dropped the back of the one in her left ear. We never found it. Then soon she dropped the earring itself and after 5 minutes, with 3 people hunting finally found it. I told my daughter to stop playing with them and leave them be. Later that night she pulled another earring out, and lost it too. She could not find it so I had to put one of my earrings, with a new sheath over it, in for the night. Her left ear was crusty and inflamed and hurt her to put it in. She cried. This is when I sent Eli for new earrings to put in . Next morning, we put her new earrings in and explained to her that her ears are inflamed and to leave them alone for several days, also sent a text to her dad telling him briefly what happened.
Thursday, Dad , stepmother, AND 16 year old step sister all told our child her ears were fine and put different ones in.
Then tonight I was talking to my daughter about perhaps we could take kung fu together. My child informed me she would need to speak to her stepmother to be sure it is okay.
Tonight, I had a very serious talk with my child about what WE choose to do in OUR home is OUR decision and no body elses. I reiterated, we can take a dance class or anything else we want. This is up to US.
Also , we have been fighting the battle of healthier eating for a while now but since I received the email from Robert about the noodle bowls, I called our daughters doctor and got some advice as well as an appointment to a nutritionist for kids.
When our child got home she got a small piece of my birthday cake for a snack. Then around 5:30 she came in my shop and told me She was hungry “right now” and my husband, her stepfather would NOT let her eat anything. He was cooking dinner. He told her we would be eating in 30 minutes. I told her to go work it out with HIM. I needed to finish my client.
Then she told her friends that were in the shop, her stepfather wouldn’t let her eat anything. Then proceeded to tell her step father , I had told her she could handle it herself and get her own food.
We had a serious talk about lying tonight as well as the serious talk about who gets to tell us what we can and cannot do in our own home. I also told her we would not tolerate her TATTLING on her other parents to us or TATTLING TO HER OTHER PARENTS about us.
I see a lawyer Monday. I have sent my ex and his wife an email asking them to meet us (
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Excellent article. Thank you for writing it.
My situation is even worse than a narcissistic step-mother: she's also a psychotherapist! For a while she was sending letters on her official letterhead to my wife and children telling them what all my deep-rooted problems were, while she and step-bros were taking hefty handouts from dad. By the grace of heaven, my dad, who buys into her self-absorption, told me to show the letters to a psychoanalyst, presumably to validate what step-mom says. The psychoanalyst took one look at the letters and let loose a barrage of what the narcissitic personality disorder is. What a relief!
Unfortunately that hasn't improved the situation with dad, and he has figuratively "kicked me out of the house" at age 52 because of all the turmoil I cause (which I do cause, because I keep telling step-mom that she isn't who she thinks she is and doesn't deserve what she thinks she deserves). Definitely a losing situation on my part.
How do we all move forward? I focus on the 95% of my life that is truly blessed with wife, children, gainful employment, and a dreams left to pursue. Any other suggestions are welcome.
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Wow, so glad I stumbled onto this article. At 47, I've been dealing with a self-absorbed stepmother for the last 25 years. Every conversion has to be about her. My Dad bends over backwards to accomodate her and her grown children, yet doesn't seem at all interested in his own children. She and her kids talk openly about inheritances and "what they're gonna get". He seems to have completely lost his sense of self. He's giving his assets away to her children. My dad is the classic "inverted narcissist". I believe he might have some form of Borderline personality after watching him completely change in the years he's been married to her.
She called me a few months ago to say that my Dad was having health problems and she hoped I'd talk him into going to a doctor, because she says she can't convince him. I visited more frequently after that but he's very unapproachable in many regards, including this one. I have to bite my tongue so hard when I visit that it's caused me a great deal of stress. Any relationship where I don't have a voice hardly seems worth maintaining.
I'm grappling with the question of this:
What is my responsibility as a financially indepedent daughter if he has a serious illness, when we've really not been close? I'm concerned she'll lean on me for his financial support before their collective assets are exhausted. In other words, if she puts him in an assisted living facility then who pays? Should I insist on Power of Attorney before agreeing to provide financial support? I've been chacterized as the "bad daughter" for many reasons in the past, but what is my responsibility financially should the worst occur?
My expectations have been so low for so long that nothing can possibly disappoint me anymore. My own mother died when I was 13.
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Kim, I'm just giving you my 2 cents but I don't think you are financially responsible for him at all. I mean it's really up to you, but if he's been giving away his assets to her children all this time ??? I think when one goes into an assisted living facility they look at the couples finances, not yours. Are they financially set? They should be the ones worrying about it. Are you able to help financially, without expecting anything? Would it make you feel better? If something happened to your dad eventually, would you regret not helping? I doubt if she'll let you sign on as the POA, (that would be giving up control)but then if money is involved, who knows. They are sick and twisted people, and it's always going to be something. Good Luck.
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This is an uncanny description of the family dynamic under the thumb of my stepmother...except for the "fortune" part, ha ha. God, I wish this were not a thing that really happens to kids. I try to tell myself that it made me a stronger and more interesting person, but really it was horrible and scared me beyond words for life. As I now understand it now, it is quite predictable that they think I'm victimizing them by bringing up the past or just having a problem.
Thanks for writing this and providing the info! Total "like."
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