Lure And Pain Of Narcissist's Style
A lure is "something that tempts or attracts with the promise of pleasure or reward." The lure of the narcissist is irresistible, especially if he or she is highly accomplished at magnetizing people to him. We begin with the narcissist's physical appearance. Many narcissists are beautiful or strikingly handsome. Narcissists use their carefully designed outer package to the hilt. They demonstrate extreme confidence that prospective partners find enchanting. We feel their mastery of the world and their genius at controlling everyone and every situation with panache. Successful narcissists zero in on those who will satisfy their needs for adulation, sexual pleasure, blind loyalty, creativity, and high powered connections.
When a narcissist's is chasing after you, he uses every lure in his box. Like an expert fly fisherman, he chooses the precise color, size, shape, weight, and design that he needs to catch the exact fish he wants. This fisherman has performed this skill thousands of times with stunning positive results. Despite his or her lack of personal insight, the high level narcissist accurately appraises the needs, desires, fragilities, proclivities, and longings of his intended catch. Once in his hands the catch becomes his possession.
Eventually, the seamless act of the narcissist is exposed. The underside of the narcissistic personality seeps through. Criticisms, recriminations and humiliations are foisted upon the partner. The narcissist conjures up the tiniest mistake or oversight to use as an opening for a major battle. He or she throws out empty accusations with vehemence as if they were the worst crime ever perpetrated. The source of this psychological venom is buried in the deep unconscious recesses of the narcissist's psyche, stemming from intractable psychological pain and unrelenting feelings of emptiness and rage. Since the narcissist is unable to own these damaged parts of himself, they are projected on those closest to him: spouses, ex-spouses, children, and friends. Narcissists always inflict pain on others. It is as much a part of their personality structure as photosynthesis is responsible for the greening of spring leaves.
When the relationship has finally become impossible and contact with the narcissist is terminated, pain, bitterness, rage and deep sorrow emerge. The response the partner receives from his/her selfless, vulnerable constant giving, amounts to some form of detached coldness, baseless recriminations or haunting humiliations. Recognizing and accepting the truth of the relationship, acknowledging its loss, understanding and repairing one's own destructive repetitive psychological patterns is the beginning of
re-starting one's life with simplicity, faith in oneself and renewed strength in the power of ourselves as unique individuals who are always growing. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 5/22/2009 11:57 PM 
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, narcissists
Tags: narcissists inflict pain on others the narcissist's lure narcissist magnetizes others
Categories: self help, narcissism, mental health, narcissists
Tags: narcissists inflict pain on others the narcissist's lure narcissist magnetizes others
I filed for divorce from my N spouse (he was diagnosed with npd and I was dx with post-traumatic stress disorder, our daughter was anorexic but has since recovered) and left with the kids while he was out of town, due to the emotional / verbal abuse he inflicted on all of us. Instead of reacting with coldness and rage as I expected, he instead is treating me with more respect than ever before, saying that I was right in leaving, it had to happen, etc., but that he wants to "slow down" the divorce process and see if things can be made better. We were in marriage counseling and individual therapy for three years, and did not make much progress. I feel like he is simply manipulating me because he does not want to spend money on attorneys, and of course our relationship would go right back to the way it was if I was to return to him. How do I deal with this and how do I stay away? He is asking me "out on dates" (which I decline), but whenever we are at the same place for any reason we get along better than we have in years. It is driving me crazy. I've come this far (my own apartment, FREEDOM!, about half-way through divorce process) how can I help myself keep going in the right direction and not get sucked up in the madness again. He is draining my emotional energy. Please help me see this situation clearly and advise.
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omgosh...i am so right here...if i hadn't found this sight and this doctor and her book, I think I was in danger of being manipulated by my husband's "charms" to halt our almost-completed (it's just weeks away from being finalized) divorce. I have my own apartment and income now. I feel like this site and info has (maybe literally) saved my life.
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DON'T GO BACK!! He now knows you are willing & capable of leaving. The next time you try (his crap will get old again because he is not going to change)he might make it so you won't be able to leave him again. When I told my N that the relationship was over, he made sure I didn't have access to a vehicle since. He will sabotage your efforts any way he can. He's not going to forgive you for leaving & will extract revenge whether you go back or not. He's pouring on the charm, and telling you what you want to hear hoping you will fall for it, one more time, just to lure you back into his hellish existence. You need to give yourself a big pat on the back for getting this far. You have to stay strong & determined not only for yourself but for the kids - they can't do it w/out you. The future may look uncertain, but nothing is going to change by going back. Be excited about the uncertainty, welcome it & embrace it, because you get to call the shots. The confidence & self worth that he systematically eroded will start to seep back with every step you take forward without him. If you go back, it possible the children will resent you and you will definitely beat yourself up. Don't go back. I want you to be one of the fantastic ladies that posts a how-to on finally getting rid of one of these @@@holes! Lavish all your time & attention on those kids, I'm sure you've some catching up to do. None of you were being nurtured in his self-serving reality. By not going back you can honestly tell yourself that tomorrow will be a better day.
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That was an important article. I came across your article and felt it very helpful.
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