It is difficult these days to find an adult, let alone a child, who has good manners.  I'm not speaking only of knives, forks and napkins, how to manage different place settings or not talking  with a shovelful of food in your mouth.  I'm speaking about how children are taught or not informed by their parents to be sensitive and considerate to the feelings of others.  This awareness can begin at a very early age. Children are very curious. They notice everything. Their growing minds and imaginations are keen.  Babies are making fine discriminations of every kind soon after birth. 

The purpose of manners is kindness and deference to the feelings and concerns of another person, whether it is someone we know or a stranger. Many years ago along with communicating to their children that they were loved and cherished, there was an additional message. Good parents taught their young children that the child was not the center of the universe. An essential part of this message is that when we observe someone who looks or acts differently than we do, in the case of a physical imperfection, deformity, or incapacitation, the parent teaches his child (who can be very young) that what we observe and what we speak out loud to or about this individual are two separate issues. Small children can learn very early not to blurt out everything they observe and can understand that an impulsive remark or a nonverbal gesture  is not only rude but deeply hurts the recipient of this crude, self oriented behavior.  Very few parents today observe their children closely enough, let alone gently and clearly instill in them  that how we treat others, matters greatly. It is part of developing into a complete human being, There are sterling exceptions of children, little, young and more mature, who are very considerate.  We thank them and their parents.

Parents who don't  correct their child's unkindness or rudeness are giving him or her the message that the feelings of others don't matter. All that counts is getting your way, acquiescing to your impulses, being oblivious to others unless they can forward your goal.  This void on the part of the parent can lead their child to adopt a narcissistic self centeredness and dismissive attitude, a psychological and emotional coldness. It gives  the child the message that he or she is the best, has no limits, doesn't have to think of others and that he is superior. This sounds like the beginnings of a narcissistic attitude that can become deeply ingrained in the personality of a small child.   

There are too many parents who have taken this "It's all about me" route with their children. Hopefully, this cycle of bad manners and insensitivity to other human beings will end and more parents will once again actively teach their child very early how to be considerate, sensitive and respectful. That will be a great day!  Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
email:lmlphd@gmail.com