Staying Married To A Narcissist Can Endanger Your Physical Health
Deciding to remain married to a narcissistic spouse can be a life or death decision. Some spouses are not aware that they are living with narcissists and for years or throughout their lifetimes, they are acquiescent victims of the constant barrage of abuse and extreme physical, mental and psychological stress that the narcissist thrusts at them. These individuals are in a tragic state of denial that has negative consequences on their physical health.
Many spouses of narcissists internalize their psychological and emotional stress. This is manifested in a variety of illnesses and disorders including gastric ulcers, acid reflux disease, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic insomnia, suppression of the immune system, asthma attacks, obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease in certain individuals.
Unlike the narcissist, the spouse at risk for illness has a weak sense of self entitlement and worthiness. Although this spouse may be well educated, intelligent and competent in his professional life, these individuals are lacking in the capacity for self care. They are ready day and night to serve the narcissist, but dismissive of their own emotional and physical needs.
When the spouse or partner of a narcissist is constantly screamed at, demeaned, humiliated, deceived and lied to, day after day over a number of years, something has to give. Often, this results in the physical illness of the non-narcissistic spouse. Another critical factor is the stress that the narcissistic spouse imposes on his children. The continual psychological turmoil and chaos in this household have a direct effect on the stress level of the narcissist's children.
Many spouses of narcissists decide (consciously and unconsciously) to stay with the narcissist to the end point. They have made a no-win deal. " I will capitulate to my narcissistic spouse in every way in exchange for the lifestyle and economic security that this role provides me." In instances where the reason for staying with the narcissist is uninfluenced by monetary considerations, the partner has convinced himself or herself that he must stay with this individual out of loyalty or duty. He or she is trapped in a default victim mode.
When you can no longer be married to someone who is making you physically ill, you will free yourself to lead a healthy, forward looking, creative life that is determined by your needs and talents and the full acknowledgment of your self worth and self respect.
For more information about freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life, go to my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Posted by LindaMartinezLewi at 4/13/2009 8:49 AM 
Categories: mental health, self help, marriage, physical health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: heart disease danger to physical health free from narcissist chronic insomnia irritable bowel syndrome gastric ulcers high blood pressure
Categories: mental health, self help, marriage, physical health, interpersonal relationships
Tags: heart disease danger to physical health free from narcissist chronic insomnia irritable bowel syndrome gastric ulcers high blood pressure
This article really made an impact on me. I've suffered from mental abuse and sometimes physical abuse, from my narcissist husband of four years. I always think there's something I should be doing differently to make it work but every time I have this idea, my husband raises the bar on what a good wife and mother should be according to him, so I never really had a chance. This marriage has left me feeling like a shell of my former self, I no longer dance, exercise, pray, all things that were once a big part of my life. I recently started therapy and I'm hoping that I can finally find the strength to move on, if not for myself for my kids. They've suffered from the emotional abuse from their father as well. I feel like to stay with my husband would be a slow emotional death. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this blog and I'll be checking out your website as well. God Bless You.
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Wow-this article had an impact on me, too. I stayed with my husband for 24 years, so good for you for working on finding strength to help yourself and your kids. My daughter suffered terribly from the neglect and emotional abuse from her father. I didn't realize just how bad it was until as a teenager she began cutting and then became anorexic. And STILL I couldn't leave! We went to family counseling for three years -I really felt 'obligated' to stay for some reason. I had an idea in my head that the narcissism was like a 'disease,' and 'if he had cancer, I wouldn't leave, so I can't leave just because he has this personality disorder." But a physical disease would not have harmed me and my kids in the way the npd did. As someone who stayed 20 years longer than you, I can say that staying IS "a slow death," like you stated. Work hard and save yourself and your kids. Have a strong support system, friends who will remind you that you're doing the right thing. Good luck!
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I am sad to state I stayed in my marriage 32 years too long! I knew something was amiss; but I thought it was me; until I was seriously punched in the face and blamed for it! I had had counselling and the therapist missed it!!Colluded with my ex until I one saw it clearly through the therapist turing on to me. My EX (NOW) a Priest a skillful chaemlion; displaying to his parishoners; a facard of goodness and perfect humanity. Leaving seemed immense; as I too lived a broken 'self' brainwashed!! with subtle negatives projected onto me: lazy, not a christian, you havent done anything in years!!(notice the generalisation here! I suddenly woke UP. The healing process has been problematic; with no confidence left; no self worth or courage all used up. 7 years on I feel just about OK enough with support.I now work with many males (as a psychotherapist) who are Narcissitic and I can spot it immediately. My EX still in a position of power over others; no care or concern for his kids. I left with no money; as my ex carefully lied to the courts; and so I received no support; the Church supported him investing in his many lies about my character and then scapegoated me to the point of abuse. I learnt a great deal and grow stronger each day. So can you too.
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I am in the midst of filing for divorce from my husband of 15 yrs. I wanted to keep our family happy and I thought by giving everything of myself I could help him fill that hole inside of his soul. It took me this long to realize that I have been emotionally and mentally abused by his behavior. Each day is an opportunity to start anew. I feel compfrt knowing that I'm not the only one.
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My mother lived with her brother in law for 60yrs. Had 3 kids. Kept this from all of us until I found out when I was aged 60yrs. Everything all of our lives had to be his way or no way. we had no friends, no visitors and non of his relations (obviously they all fell out when he ran off with his brothers wife!! We had minimal contact with Mums parents and sisters only. He hated me as I asked questions about our way of life- it appearing abnormal to me. He did nothing in the home ever and did minimal work until aged 45 he became unemployed and never worked again - claiming he had bad legs. He never used them how would he know? He claimes to idolised Mum and my young brother and kept them by his side until his death. But he never did anything special for any of us. Not even at Birthdays etc. Never treated Mum to anything. My brother never had friends or left the home only to work. He never married and continued to live at home with them buying his sweeties until their deaths. My sister seemd to be taken no notice of at all except if she was in conflict with me then he would chastise me and she felt favoured but only in such circumstances. I left as soon as possible and rarely went home and then only to see Mum. I was never no matter what I did or bought for them in favour. Mum was always said to be ill by him. She frequently had panic attacks (as did I throughout much of my life) he said I was responsible for her panic attacKs. She was a strong personality but never stood up to him. Daddy was always right. She always refered to him as Daddy to the day she died at 81yrs. She died of asophegas cancer and I felt this was because she was never allowed a voice.
When I discovered that they had never been married and in fact were brother in law and sister in law I told my brother and sister (we all gown up aged 55, 58 and 60yrs old) and they thought me a fantasists and said that they were a lovely Mum and Dad having done all they possibly could for us. They never ever took us for a day out not even for a picnic, no holidays, no attending our school functions etc. Mum certainly did all she could to keep us looking clean well clothed and fed etc. Particularly as Dad always found homes with no elc gas or lighting to live in and far away from neighbours. It was hard for Mum. Later they moved into a village but still had little contact with outside World. Dad had not ventured out of the garden for over 20yrs. Now they are both dead my siblings know and have seen proof of the fact that they were not married etc etc but still do not see that theer was anything unusual about our upbringing. I have been through Couselling but they have not even felt the need. I am the black sheep as I talk about it and they think I am being disrespectful I am sure. I loved my Mum but cannot say that I ever did my Dad. However, Mum must have been an enabler or something.
I am sure we had a narcasists for a father,.
Thanks for listening
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I thought I was Cinderella and he was my Prince Charming! He swept me off my feet, with poems, flowers, romantic cards,etc. I felt like I met my soulmate and how could I possibly be so lucky. We have been married for only 14 months. Prior to meeting him, I was a strong independent woman who has worked for the same company for 27 years. I have three wonderful confident children from my 1st marriage. My youngest and the only minor, a 17 year old son, who moved in with us. When we met, I had friends, I had my own home, a great paying job, I was self confident and even consider myself attractive. These were all the qualities he said made him fall in love with me. My son and I moved into his house and we allowed my two daughters and my new husbands daughter to all live in the house that I owned (for free) while I still paid all the bills for that home. I will say that my husband was always generous with money. Although I like nice things, I don't require name brands or having the best of the best. Shortly after we wed, we decided (together) to go see a real estate attorney as the housing market took a dive and I was upside down in my home. When we left the attorney, he agreed that we should let my home go into foreclosure, and that his credit would remain in tact, so we didn't have to worry about anything (he has lots of money). At that time, we opened a joint bank account and I began contributing my entire salary into that account which went to paying household expenses at "HIS" home. I deposited a total of over $70K in 11 months, and the home isn't even "OURS". My new Prince Charming turned into an ugly troll. Constantly demeaning me and my children (although he doesn't demean them to their faces) just through me. And these outbursts are over such trivial issues. He drags them out for weeks, withholding affection from me, ignoring me, and harasses me via text messaging and e-mails constantly. If I don't answer right away, he accuses me of things and wants to know why it took me so long to respond. Sometimes it's only 10 minutes!!!! 14 short months abo, I had my own beautiful home, a paid off car, (I did live paycheck to paycheck but I was independent and confident about myself). I moved out last week and back to my house that will be foreclosed on. I can't believe I let myself get into this situation, and I'm so disappointed in myself that I still care for this monster! Nothing in his life has change except that I left and my life which has always been so together is in shambles! I have always thought I was STRONG, why do I miss him so much? I know I can never go back, but I feel like I'm grieving a death. He has not contacted me in over a week (and that's not like him). I am in limbo with my life. I have changed my direct deposit, and had my mail forwarded. I guess I should just enjoy the peace, but WHY do I miss him??
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To LLM
YOU MISS HIM BECAUSE You're human and you where in love with him. So am I but do your self a favor cry about it, talk about it to friends that will listen with a sympathetic ear, but move on this NPD is like a disease that spread and affect women like a plague. They hurt you with no conscious, never say they're sorry for the pain and confusion they cause you. mine was a cheater and a liar, he could go days without speaking and I began treating him the same way he was turning me into a cold monster like himself,I didn't like the way I was feeling all the time I wanted to feel normal again so I put him out when he left town for a weekend. I called him for 2 days while he was out of town and he wouldn't answer the phone. I had enough I knew he was cheating this was something he would do without a conscious also no matter how bad it hurt me he showed no empathy. He once even told me that he just used a girl for what he could get and that it was nothing. Yes you can love these men and thats ok because you're normal and how can you not fall for someone that came and swept you off your feet. But I also love me and I'm to good to settle for someone like this. So lonely nights will eventually lead to better days.Don't Go Back!!! FIND SOMEBODY NEW.
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Reading all of these experiences of all of you keeps me from looking back and sinking down, My husband of 29.5 years is a narcissist now i know why my life with him was so hard, sometimes in my right mind I thought he was STUPID!!!, each day that goes by is giving me strength, but what if he comes back and says he made a mistake and sorry. What would I say, I do feel the monkey is off my back, My story is my husband went to prison for 7 years and the good person i was stood by her man, good deported to Mexico, happy to start a new life, 1 month later the monkey back on my back, I worked in san deigo and for a large company, money was good and would have a better life you would think, started i need this and that to work and he did, but payday would come and go excuses why he didn't get paid, and he has cheated on me a lot and he always cried and i took he back, start all over, 2002 he started building our dream home, because being and American and not speaking Spanish, didn't understand and trusted him, he was ripping me off. gave him money and nothing. his jobs started to dwindle to nothing for 9 years 1 excuse after another, my house to this day is not finish and scared to turn a light switch on the house may blow up. Heavenly Father did not bless us with children. Then he meet a whore that told him everything he wanted to hear and about having a child, now threw all this she had been 8 months with a another mans child and her husband didn't want so came back, and promise my husband that she loved him and wanted to get him a son, so during this time she was still 8 months pregnant and was drinking and smoking crack and all this while i was at work, oh yeah he's 55 and she 27, always helping the poor in his mind, well while robbing a house and getting taught they beat her and she give birth and baby is dead somewhere buried in the street, and my husband mourned for her lost. I went threw so much with more events with this whore, 2 years pass and say she give birth to my husbands baby and wanted for him to support his child. So any ways it got to much, for 2 years this has plague us, she wanted to play with him and put a BIG BIG wedge, he wondering if its true or not. Then all things I've been reading about NARCISSIST came out in full force, I was getting sick, deadly sick, all ready had 2 mini stokes with all the other stresses in my life. will i kicked he out, wanting for him to return. It's been a month and I know he's just waiting to pounce on me, I have the house and everything to make a new life and he knows it. and i know he is going to want something, thats been our roller coaster marriage. but the truth is every where, with friends family, neighbors, we are all tire of this drama. just talking to neighbors, and friends of his, thats just came up and say hi!! and I've lived next to them for 10 years, and the only information they was from him, My wifes a B----H!!. thank you, thank my GOD in keeping clean & strong.
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