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Misogynistic Narcissistic Husbands Full of Self Loathing
"Misogyny .... is a central part of sexist prejudice and ideology and...is an important basis for the oppression of females..." (There are women who are misogynistic toward other women.)
The narcissistic husband is convinced that he is superior to his wife. His self appointed role is to control her emotionally, psychologically, mentally. This may not what appears on the surface. Socially skilled narcissistic men appear to adore women. They charm them, wine and dine them, give them surprise gifts, offer effusive compliments and successfully seduce them. Some women become so entranced by narcissistic boyfriends that they marry them. After a honeymoon period that lasts varying lengths of time, the narcissist's true nature emerges. (You may have had strong hints of the dark nature of the NPD before the wedding.)
When their volcanic rage is spewing forth, telling their spouses how inferior they are, how they constantly make dreadful mistakes, insult their intelligence, throw verbal barbs in rapid succession and wear you down with constant attacks on you as a person--a woman, you are in a state of fight or flight. This internal chaos inside of you can become chronic. You never feel at peace. You celebrate those times when your narcissistic husband is taking business trips or out with friends. You dread his presence and find ways to allude him. But as long as you are married to this man, you are subject to his abuse. It is very difficult to tune out the thunderous tirades. He is the ultimate hypocrite. In public he is a prince of a man. He is respected even venerated by some. You are congratulated at social and business events for choosing such an extraordinary man as your spouse.He's getting the applause; you have the headaches, stomach aches, anxiety and depression.
Deep in the unconscious, the narcissistic husband is filled with self loathing and lives in a bleak, empty internal world. He is inauthentic and psychologically depleted. The narcissist, incapable of insight or introspection or empathy, is frantically searching his outer world for the psychological supplies that will fill his bottomless needs. He seeks others who venerate, even worship him. They provide him with constant praise, making him feel good. If he is a high level narcissist, others come to him to worship at his throne.
This dynamic is very different when you are married to narcissistic husband. Out of his public image and within the privacy of his home, this man is an ugly misogynistic tyrant. He thunders, bellows, screams through the house. He comes close to your face and you feel his foul breath and his disgusting words pierce your eardrums: "You are downright stupid. Women--they are idiots!" "My father was right. They are only good for sex and babies if you want them.. Otherwise, forget it." "You cause me so much stress I can't bear it." (Actually the reverse is true. Narcissistic husbands cause spouses to be in a constant state of fight or flight; their nervous systems are continually on the alert. These ugly scenes occur year after year, decade after decade.
The narcissistic husband continually spews his unconscious venom on to you, his wife. This abuse will not stop. He hates himself but has put you in his place. These projections will continue. He is incapable of insight, true remorse, introspection or empathy. Remember, he is the ultimate bully and hypocrite.
Some abused wives of misogynistic narcissists dissolve their marriages. This divorce course can be difficult but I often hear positive reports from ex wives of narcissists that are very positive. These women are now free. No husband is accusing them of being inferior or treating them this way. They have inner peace which is invaluable. They re-discover their creative gifts. They renew their relationship with themselves and find relationships that are genuine and meaningful. You deserve and are entitled to be your authentic self and to choose how you wish you live each day and to look forward to each day. Visit my website:thenarcissisitinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Women Grabbing Highly successful Men They Control
There are narcissistic women who spend most of their time seeking and finding the "right man." to marry. This means a guy with a lot of monetary assets and properties whom they can completely control. (Of course there are narcissistic men with the same plan). Narcissistic women are predatory. If the man they have in their sights is married, this is no problem for them---even if this "right guy" is married to her best friend or even her sister. They are brazen and conscienceless. In fact narcissistic women luxuriate in being outrageous. They always get away with it, especially if they are very attractive. Naturally these women need to brand their men by insisting on getting married without a pre-nup if at all possible. If the man in mind is not cooperative, they move on to someone else who is much more receptive. Some narcissistic women purposely marry men three or more decades older than they are who have immense wealth and worldly prestige. This is a perfect setup for them. If the guy is old enough, they find a boyfriend or two on the side to satisfy their need for excitement, frivolity, escape and sexual fun.
Men who marry these women often fall hopelessly in love with them and will shoulder limitless amounts of abuse, including constant demands for every material possession imaginable. These women are in charge of their unsuspecting husbands. They are incapable of loving them and don't invest emotionally in their spouses or want to. Using their seductive wiles, the narcissistic femme fatale can always bring her man back instantaneously if his attention wanders. Some spouses of narcissistic women become obsessed with them and put up with every level of verbal abuse. They are enthralled with this woman and would never give her up. On the other side the narcissistic woman is having a grand time playing the role of partner to a prominent, highly successful man who wields great influence. Despite their accomplishments, education and professional achievements, this particular kind of narcissistic woman gets most of her narcissistic supplies being aligned so closely with the lifestyle that this highly affluent man provides.
When the marriage falters and the narcissistic woman has total control of her husband's assets and feels restless, she moves forward to another relationship (which has often been going on for some time outside of the marriage) with a another man who will make all of her material dreams come true. The narcissistic woman never looks back to view all of the psychological and financial damage she has done. She moves in the unfettered fast lane of life where she creates her own rules of the road and fashions her life according to her extraordinary wishes and desires. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Ongoing Psychological Absuse by Narcissistic Sibling
There are many secrets held in families about sibling psychological abuse. Each child in a dysfunctional family is trying to survive. In a narcissistic family when a mother or father has NPD it is very difficult. When you combine this with a narcissistic abusive sibling, it is much more difficult.
From the beginning of there lives there are brothers and sisters who have to withstand their narcissistic sibling's torturous acts, cruelties that go on every day. The narcissistic sibling constantly threatens them with physical harm, or says that they will get her brother or sister physically beaten or psychologically shamed by telling on them. Often this telling is a lie that the narcissistic sibling uses to erode and destroy the innocent sibling's relationship with mother or father. Often the narcissistic mother and the sibling collude to victimize the chosen scapegoated child. This can take a form of torture to the point where the victim feels like he or she can be annihilated at any time. It is terrifying to grow up in these circumstances. The other parent is useless in standing up for this innocent child. The parent is oblivious or gone all of the time, or completely caught up in their own private world that has nothing to do with his/her children.
The abusing sibling is often chosen as the Golden Child who can do no wrong. These siblings perpetrate horrendous deeds on their brothers and sisters. When the parents are absent they bring their friends into the house to terrorize the already frightened child. They make him or her drink something that is putrid. They tie the child up for hours. They make him wet himself. They scare him to death, telling stories that they are about to kidnap him. And any other horrendous idea you can imagine. I know about these abominations from those who write to me and share their life stories. It can be hard to imagine that these cruelties take place. Believe me, they are happening and being repeated day after day and during the night. They are never ending. Children who grow up in these circumstances often develop post traumatic stress disorder. The narcissistic parent ignores her child's symptoms--night terrors, recurrent horror dreams, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, physical symptoms of extreme distress. Narcissistic mom thinks it is all so humorous and overblown. "You have a wild imagination and are making this up to get attention." "Shut up and do your school work and don't talk about this again. I am sick of your lies." Among themselves the narcissistic sibling and the mother make fun of the child who is being severely abused. They are purposely perpetrating these cruelties upon this child.
Never underestimate the psychological damage that a narcissistic sibling in collusion with a narcissistic parent can and will do. Remember there is no conscience with these people. Some narcissistic siblings are highly sadistic and get pleasure from harming their brothers and sisters.
Those who remain silent--adults who know the truth--need to speak up an stop this horrendous cycle of abuse and torture. If you do now speak out and intervene, no one else will. Much of human nature has a distinctively dark side. Don't brush this truth away. Use you knowledge to alleviate the suffering of others who have been through these psychological hells of childhood. Many of these children survive to tell their stories. They are inspiring and redemptive. They are our heroes. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Embracing Treachery--Married to Narcissistic Sociopath
Treachery causes an annihilation of the self. Its natural course is psychological danger to you, betrayal and deceit. When you live and are married to a narcissistic sociopath, treachery shadows you day and night. You are never safely alone with your private thoughts and feelings. The treachery of the NS creeps cunningly into your dreams that often reoccur, warning you to get away, get out, save yourself. But you cannot listen because you are ensnared by the sociopath's seductive ways--his promises, his rewards for "good behavior"--meaning that you do exactly what he expects of you, even if this goes against your personal principles and values. Many women are psychologically fused with socialized psychopaths and find them addictive. They flee from their lover or marital partner, only to return again and again. Each time they are a little weaker psychologically and less aware that the price they pay is with their lives--the dilution of their emotional energy, creative gifts, core sense of self, the initiative to follow their professional and personal dreams and to experience an abiding inner peace.
When you are twined with NS your life is in his hands, your thoughts are his thoughts, your heart belongs to him not yourself. He screams at you when he is projecting his noxious venom into your face. He humiliates you emotionally and psychologically when he is enraged. He gets a thrill out of hurting you as you cower and beg forgiveness for what he has done to you. The cycle of destruction is endless until women married or tethered to these men wake up and recognize that their mate suffers from a severe pernicious personality disorder that will not change. The experience with the NS leads you to the lowest depths of your being.
It is when we are at
a very low ebb that the urgency of "Waking Up" becomes strong and
persistent. The voice of intuition speaks clearly: now is the time to
sever the non relationship with this man/woman. You are a strong
independent, capable and gifted human being.Leave this regressive,
pathological non relationship. Get back in touch with your real
self----the person you were meant to be. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Are You At the Breaking Point with Narcissistic Spouse?
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Breaks Up Marriage
There are countless victims of psychological abuse perpetrated by the narcissistic mother-in-law. She is the controlling matriarch. One classic situation is the triangulation of the narcissistic mother, her son and his wife. In the beginning she pretends to care deeply about the new member of the family. The NMIL praises her son's choice of a partner and skillfully pretends that she wants the marriage go to be successful. But this can never be the case with a narcissist in any family role.
The narcissistic matriarch spreads lies about her daughter-in-law, beginning with subtle digs and innuendos about her character and family background. These lies are dropped like pedals on a lawn--meant to be barely noticed. In secret she goes to her son and slowly and skillfully drops poisonous bits of gossip about his wife. She puts doubts in his mind about her. At the same time the narcissistic mother is intimating that his ultimate loyalty belongs with her where it has always been. The wife becomes slowly aware that she is not welcome in this family. She feels a coldness and is ostracized by the narcissistic mother's inner family circle. She turns to her husband who feels conflicted between loyalty to his mother and love and duty to his wife.
After years of hurt feelings, attempts at bending to the will of this impossible woman, being on the receiving end of insults and false accusations, the daughter-in-law is forced to make a fateful decision. She can stay in the painful triangle, make further attempts to break her husband's pathological attachment to his mother or she will leave the marriage. These are difficult choices, especially if there is a strong pathological fusion between mother and son. These ties that bind are made of steel and cannot be unraveled.
There are successful outcomes that involve the wife freeing herself by separating and divorcing her spouse. This is a difficult path but can be accomplished. The individual leaving the marriage often benefits from highly skilled psychotherapy, a support group of close friends and her own family of origin. It is better to be true to yourself than to struggle under the yoke of a woman who is out to destroy your individuality and peace of mind. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Spouses Keep You in Fight or Flight Mode
Male or female spouses of narcissists are under constant stress They don't recognize the beating their nervous systems are taking. The pressure to have a perfect image that the narcissistic spouse puts on his partner is extreme. If one hair is out of place or a few extra pounds have accumulated there will be disgust on. The face of the narcissist. Often a tirade will follow--an out of control screaming bot of long duration,pointing out all of your mistakes,character deficits and your lack of intelligence---more plainly,calling you stupid and worth. The narcissist can pivot quickly and become charming and giving as if the previous dressing down never took place. You start to relax and let down You say to yourself. "Maybe this person loves me. I must be more tolerant and giving."
Soon the mood switches and we experience the horrid dark side of the narcissist ,raging again
As long as you are married or involved closely with a narcissist you will be in survival mode.
Many spouses reach a point of no return,recognizing that they are hurting themselves by staying with the NPD. They make a plan and sever the relationship even if it means very hard work Once they are freed up they embrace life with their own perspective. They answer to themselves and thrive using many creative gifts left in storage. They discover that there are individuals who appreciate their authenticity
Their lives are re-ignited with hope and new life visions. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissists Accuse You of Being Crazy--Not True
Narcissistic mothers, spouses and siblings accuse their victims of being "crazy". That can mean anything--that you express your feelings, think independently, call the narcissists out on his mistakes, that you are creating a life of your own, that you have talent and tremendous creativity. Wherever you don't fit into the mold that the narcissist has created for you, there will be a target of his/her volcanic rage. Narcissists are so intimidating to most family members that we tend to believe what they are saying to us---even though it is a lie, figment of a deluded person. You are not fitting into the narcissist's image of how he has molded you. There's the rub. Being yourself is not part of his repertoire. Since all reality revolves around him/her, you cannot step out of this very confined psychological space or the doors of Hell will open right before your eyes.
Narcissistic siblings are often sadistic with the chosen victim brother or sister. Having mother or father in your back pocket is a big plus if you want to put your sibling in constant turmoil. He or she gets the blame always for things that the budding narcissist, the golden child has done. The victimized child is not crazy. He lives in terror from one moment to the next.
Narcissistic spouses dispense with their perfect images when they enter the confines of their private spaces and all Hell breaks lose with their screaming demands, their false accusations, their threats to expose you for something you never did. This is crazy making but you are not crazy. The narcissistic spouse is creating chaos inside of you that is intolerable. You don't think you can live through one more moment. Some husbands and wives on the receiving end are so afraid that they go along with the narcissist and even blame themselves and agree with his delusional accusations.
You are not crazy; you are being severely abused and treated with disrespect, dismissiveness and a complete lack of empathy or compassion. In these instances the narcissist is inhumane. Stop blaming yourself if that has become your pattern of survival--identifying with the aggressor. Seek excellent professional help and make sure you do all of the research on finding a therapist who is worthy of your trust. Reach out to friends whom you can count on. You only need one. Know deep down that you will prevail over living in a narcissistic family or being married to a narcissistic spouse or having a narcissistic sibling. There are so many alternatives waiting for you. Start to recognize the beauty inside of you--the original self that you always were. There are many pathways to freedom. Trust your intuition to find the one that is suited for you. Listen carefully and let yourself be guided. Meditation in a form that works for you deepens intuition and the guides that lead us to freedom and rediscovering our real selves. You will find individuals whom you can trust along the way. They will help you. Be receptive to the gifts of knowing that don't come from the intellect. You are learning that you can be calm, that the body, mind and soul are always in the process of healing. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Healing from Narcissistic Spouse--Resurrect Your Life
If you are married to a narcissistic spouse this person has stolen too much of your life. The hours, days, months, years and decades add up quickly and the psychological and emotional pain of living with one of these impossible, psychopathological individuals takes it toll on you.
The narcissist is free and easy. Without a conscience, obsessed with self, the narcissist moves from one narcissistic supply to the other like a frenzied honey bee. (Honey bees are magnificent; they create one of nature's greatest gifts--honey. )
Once you have broken free from the narcissist spouse and resumed regular breathing, the doors of your life open. Take time to rest and appreciate what you have accomplished. It is a great victory to leave the notorious narcissist behind. Don't wait for an avenging angel to bring you justice.
Use the new more peaceful moments of your life to rebuild yourself on every level: physical strength, professional growth, rediscovery and use of your creative gifts, spending time alone to experience uninterrupted peace. Take time for yourself each day to quiet your mind whether this is formal meditation, prayer, reading poetry, journaling, listening to inspiring and calming music and any other activity that you choose. You are making decisions based on your needs and wants not on the demands of the narcissistic spouse.
Bring beauty into your life. Spend time with Nature---the great healer. Grow flowers and watch them bloom. Listen to the bees, the birds, the winds that blow across your face. Let Nature speak to you. Listen to your intuition. It is always present with us. Don't override its messages.
If you have friends that have been left behind during the trials of marriage to a narcissist, reacquaint yourself with them--the keepers who are loyal and care deeply about you.
Practice self care. Eat and sleep well. Exercise in the ways that you find pleasant. Make an effort to be consistent. As the days move forward, be patient with yourself. Healing does not move in a straight line. It is a complex process. We reach plateaus and feel like we are going nowhere. That is not true. Healing is catching up with itself.
Be spontaneous--laugh, sing, dance and be silly with a friend. Feel yourself lifted and lighter and freer. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissists Have Short Affection Spans
Narcissists love the ones' they're with. This can mean having several romantic "relationships" at one time. Narcissists are restless beings--peripatetic--always off to the next thrill, excitement, big win, victory dance, grand party. They are thrill seekers in the human arena even if that means that they are dissembling your life.They are incapable of caring deeply; they cannot love. This is a central piece of them that is missing. A dark hole has invaded their heart and will remain there for the rest of their lives. Regardless of their professional accomplishments, the esteem in which others hold them, their financial thrust, they cannot be human. They are incapable of empathy of any kind. They are masters of pseudo empathy like fine method actors.
Once you identify the man or woman in your life as a narcissistic personality, know that this person is not going to change despite all of the over the top promises, intimidations, cajolings, gifts, guises and dramatic performances.
It
is up to you to make a decision for your life. That's what matters. You
have the knowledge, strength and wisdom to unyoke yourself from the
narcissist. You have many brothers and sisters in spirit who are waiting
to hear and see your victory dance. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
