Narcissists-Convenient Lies
Most people feel uncomfortable when they lie. They feel shaky, ashamed, nervous, stomach-turning conscience has been struck. By the age of three the psychologically healthy child has developed a primitive conscience. By seven or eight the conscience in most children has been formed. Conscience develops as a result of parental influence, the laying down of moral standards from the time of a child's birth. The parent teaches his child through example and very specific communications the nature of right and wrong, the distinctions between telling the truth and lying.
In the narcissist conscience remains undeveloped. The budding narcissist learns from his parent(s) that he or she has no limits. The driving force of life is to reach your goal before anyone else---to be a winner, no matter what it takes. Omitting the truth, shading the truth and outright lying become part of the narcissist's repertoire in dealing with other individuals.Telling the truth is inconvenient. Lying is the quickest route to the goal line. The narcissist is unburdened by conscience. "He knows he can lie and get away with it...Lying is a free ride in the fast lane that will get him to his destination more directly than telling the truth. ...The narcissist looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation. He is a master at justifying lies to himself."(From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
Once you know that your spouse, parent, sibling, friend is a narcissistic personality, never be surprised by their mastery of lying. Don't be taken in. The narcissist has been practicing the art of lying all of his life. Chronic lying builds on itself and becomes easier as time moves on and the perfidies mount. Can you have an authentic relationship with a person who is continually lying to you? To obtain more specific information about the personality characteristics of the narcissist, visit my website:
www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Is Your Friend a Covert Narcissist?
There will come a time when your friend the Covert Narcissist reveals his or her fangs. It can begin with subtle criticisms in the form of "helpful suggestions". You notice that this person is competing with you and even envies your appearance, social status, professional accomplishments and personal relationships. Eventually you recognize that this "friend" wants everything that you have, including your spouse or boyfriend. They are after something that will increase their narcissistic supplies. They ask you to do them a favor, a professional entrée---introduce them to one of your influential business contacts that can maximizes their chances of getting a prestigious, high paying job. After you have done this favor and your friend has benefited from your kindness and naiveté, you notice that this individual begins to distance herself/himself from you. You are initiating all of phone calls. When you do reach your friend she is deluged with work and familial obligations. Your friend doesn't return your calls or respond to email. You now remember that beneath it all, the relationship was always about her and her narcissism. She was a brilliant actress who had played the role of "friend" to the hilt until her goal was achieved. Now you can't reach her--by phone, email, texting, relatives--She has vanished from sight like a mirage in the desert.
This is a painful reckoning but valuable to you as a human being. Learning how to recognize the Covert Narcissist early before you become highly invested in the relationship will spare you a lot of heartache. To understand more about the ploys and clever twists of the Covert Narcissist, go to my blogs on the website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
No Narcissist Can Shame You
Download | Duration: 00:04:16
One of the narcissist's cruelest weapons of control is shaming. When all else fails the narcissist says to himself: "Shame them and I will get exactly what I want." Work against the narcissist's " shame ploy." Develop an appreciation for yourself as an individual, seek professional help if needed. Freeing ourselves from shame is transformative. It releases our inherent strength and energizes our creativity. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Dealing with Narcissists-Listening to Your Inner Voice
Call it intuition, precognition, wisdom, the inner voice---each one of us has access to insight and truth that comes through when the mind is quiet. Getting in touch and maintaining communication with this part of you is invaluable in dealing with narcissistic personalities. There is discipline involved in learning to use and apply these gifts. Take time each day---it can be a few minutes---to go to a specific place (indoors or outside) that is quiet and where you will be uninterrupted. Sit comfortably with your spine straight but relaxed. You can use a chair or arrange cushions and sit in an easy pose with your legs comfortably crossed. The most important points are: be consistent, go to the same place each time, be unjudgmental. One of the best ways to start is by taking a few deep (inhaling and exhaling) breaths through the nose. Do this in the way that is best for you. With your eyes closed and gazing at the point between the eyebrows, watch your breath---the inhale and exhale, at the tip of your nostrils. This is the oldest form of meditation called vapasanna. You may find that different forms of mediation work for you: using a mantra, for example.
Consistent practice will attune you to the inner voice that will change the way that you deal with narcissists. Meditation is grounding. It stabilizes the mind and body. Meditation practice as it builds over time, strengthens and expands the capacity for deep intuition. It provides us with a clear perspective for understanding and dealing with the psychopathology of the narcissist. Since we cannot change the narcissist, our role is to transform ourselves into mindful individuals who are working toward inner peace and equanimity each day. To learn more about the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
The Narcissist's Intimate Enemies
Download | Duration: 00:02:50
Marital relationships with narcissists are stressful and very challenging. The narcissist is tapping into his/her partners feelings of inadequacy, dependency, emotinal vulnerability and insecurity. Severing a relatinship with a narcissist is difficult, stressful and can be ugly. Learnin how the narcissistic personality operates under these conditions is key.
Narcissists Grow Old Disgracefully
The aging narcissist has burned so many human bridges. He/she has betrayed, double-crossed, abused, demeaned, humiliated and attempted to psychologically annihilate the lives of countless human beings. Some narcissists even destroy their children as a result of repetitive abandonments, grinding criticisms and malicious agendas. Unmoved and psychologically brittle, the narcissist is incapable of change.To change he would have to rip off his elaborate mask. It is too late. Beneath the facade, nothing that is real can be retrieved to make the narcissist a genuine human being. "The fateful accumulation of ill will has tipped; the act is worn and tawdry---old age has come to call. (The narcissist's) despair deepens to meet death." To become a master of the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissists-Pulling Out All The Stops
When you cross a narcissist, be assured they will pull out all the stops. They play a series of cards, one by one, with increasing venom and threat. Depending on their unique personality, some of these cards include:
The Worthless Card--You are nothing without me. You cannot survive alone.
The Money Card--Leave me and you will be left with nothing (even if half of what we own belongs to you)
The Reputation Card--I will tell your darkest secrets and you will be exposed and publiclly humiliated
The Child Custody Card--I have the will and the means to take the children away from you
The Victim Card--You have impeded me, ruined my life and now I'm the one who's suffering.
The Final Threat Card--I know you; I hate you; I will destroy you
As you observe this drama, learn how to pull yourself back from the edge of fear. Be aware that these are the narcissist's primitive projections. The narcissist is verbally ejecting on to you his/her unconscious feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and fury that he hides from himself. Narcissists rarely get in touch with these feelings. It would be psychologically too intolerable for them. Projecting their toxins on to others is a safer and simpler route for them to take.
Remind yourself that the narcissist is not screaming about you. You are a separate person. You have your own problems, vulnerabilites and shortcomings. You are doing your best to deal with them. Draw a clear boundary between these outbursts and your own psychological space. Often it is wise to create a physical distance from the narcissist, removing yourself from the toxic atmosphere. It is worth practicing disciplines of calming the mind and body through yoga, breathing techniques, aerobic exercise, tai chi. To learn more about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Covert Narcissists---Don't Let Down Your Guard
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissist's Inflated Ego
Download | Duration: 00:05:13
The narcissist's ego is highly inflated. He or she believes that he is more intelligent, creative, attractive and superior to anyone else. The narcissist's expects perfect mirroring--that you feed back tohim his flawless vision of himself. Those with healthy egos can withstand the ups and downs of life, even the ambushes and psychological assaults of cruel and ruthless human beings. For those who take a spiritual direction the goal is to drop the ego piece by piece. This is achieved during a series of steps that can include discipline, meditation, concentration and insight that quiet the mind and bind us to the universality and beauty of other human beings and life as a whole.
Destructive Narcissistic Greed
Greed is a word that is used to describe the renegade behaviors of narcissists who achieve momentous success at the expense of others, even close family members. The narcissist is psychologically and spiritually hungry. His/her restless need, search and acquisition for more, despite what he already has, is a signature trait of the high level narcissist. (High level refers to the narcissist who succeeds in the world). The word avarice also applies to the narcissist's obsession with the pursuit of material possessions, luxury, the company of powerful human beings. The word avarice originates from the Old French and encompasses not only the desire to get something--wealth, possessions,control--but a strong urge to withhold what others need. Narcissists are both greedy and avaricious.
If you are married to a narcissist, recognize that this individual is very unlikely to change. Narcissists pursue large material rewards to enhance their egos. They are always in a restless state of locating another source of narcissistic supplies--business associates, spouses, children, friends. Narcissists are constantly thinking about how they will build and maintain their monetary and power bases. Narcissists grow with no sense of limits or focus upon the welfare of others. They are always overreaching for their desires and are either oblivious, bored or aggravated by the needs of others. Narcissists not only cannot stop grabbing more for themselves but they commandeer from everyone around them if they can get away with it.
I know of divorce cases where the material possessions could have been fairly divided. But that was not the case. The narcissist schemed with cunning and destroyed any shred of material safety from his or her spouse. This was done for spite, revenge and to watch the ex-partner suffer. In some cases the narcissist celebrates his vanquished spouse. Does he or she show concern through his behavior for his children. Absolutely not! Unless the children can be used as narcissistic supplies, they are abandoned with the spouse to fend for themselves. The narcissist, devoid of conscience, never looks back at the consequences of his greed (which often results in the diminishing of life quality) The narcissist always moves forward to ensnare receptive, naive individuals who are willing to allow their lives to be taken over by these overpowering individuals.
There are strategies for staying clear from destructive narcissistic greed. Begin by learning as much as you can about the inner workings of the narcissistic personality and the specific origins of this disorder. Build up your own healthy sense of self. Examine your psychological vulnerabilities. For example, do you have tendencies to be strongly attracted to overpowering, magnetic charming individuals who might be narcissists? Are you over-impressed by worldly power and material possessions. Are you more drawn to an individual's good character than what he or she is worth on a balance sheet? Demystify the inner workings of the narcissistic personality, learn how to handle these voracious human beings and to build up your authentic self. Visit my website:
www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
