The mother of a narcissistic son is frequently narcissistic herself. She has all the attributes of narcissistic personality disorder: extreme self entitlement, lack of empathy, a poorly developed conscience, manipulative,exploitive, grandiose, demanding, highly critical, self absorbed. Some narcissistic mothers who have children, discard them, leaving babysitters and nannies to raise them.  There is a specific type of narcissistic mother who idolizes her son, views him as a perfect being and is psychologically fused with this chosen child. Her son is the focus of her life--not her husband or her other children. She fixates on the son as prince and savior who will change the world with his extraordinary gifts: handsomeness, high intellect, athletic ability, great charm and magnetism. The narcissistic mother has an unwavering vision of her son. He will become another Alexander the Great and conquer the world before the age of twenty one. From the beginning the son is treated differently. Mother doesn't place any limits on her son's behavior, particularly with regard to his treatment of other people. If he is cruel to his neighborhood and school friends, this is completely overlooked. Mother has the attitude: "My son can do no wrong. It's the other kid's fault. There's something horribly wrong with the child's parents." The narcissistic mother makes excuses for this child since she knows that he is perfect. These mothers ride on the tides of their son's successes. They psychologically fuse and live through them. There is no breathing space between mother and son. In some instances there is an erotic component in which the mother by her words or actions, is provocative with her son. This solidifies the covert messages and bond between them. As an adult the narcissistic son feels torn between the specialness of his relationship with his mother and the unconscious rage that binds him to her. He is imprisoned by her adoration and fusion. The narcissistic mother comes between the son't choice of a wife. On an unconscious level, mother has always been parent and partner. Narcissistic mothers often sabotage their son's marriages. They are constantly cutting down the wife with their toxic messages: "She is an outsider. She is beneath you." "She is a trouble maker." "She doesn't come from the right family. She's not like us." The drip,drip, drip of disdain never stops. Some narcissistic mothers manage to destroy these marriages. The mother/son narcissistic duo is powerful. Beneath the surface, there are great fissures. The idolized son often turns against his narcissistic mother in an effort to free himself from her golden chains. Even if he stops communicating with her, she is always there inside of him. The indelible imprint of the narcissistic mother is part of the narcissistic son's psychic structure which was built from birth. The narcissistic son will never be free.  Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Telephone Consultation Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com Go back Save changes

Being married to a narcissistic husband and wife is stressful and exhausting. On constant call, serving them and being the recipient of the narcissist's outrageous demands, temper tantrums and incessant criticisms and humiliations, saps your psychological and physical energy. Many spouses wait decades to make the final decision. They keep thinking that the narcissist will change. Many husbands and wives believe that if they make every effort with their spouse to respond to their ego needs that the narcissist will finally recognize their value and have an insight. This does not happen to narcissists as you finally know. You understand that the narcissistic personality structure is rigid like steel and is very unlike to change. You make the decision and follow through with the divorce. This is a very difficult, especially since narcissists are particularly uncooperative with this process. They roadblock and sabotage their way through the divorce. Many of them misappropriate assets in clever ways that leave the other spouse in a difficult financial situation.

After you are legally divorced from your narcissistic spouse, the work of remaking and reworking your life begins. If you have been financially and psychologically independent throughout the marriage, the transition will not be as difficult. Many spouses married to narcissists realize very early that there is no real relationship between the two of them. When the divorce comes, it is no surprise to them. Other individuals believe that they can make the relationship work (They must try harder; they tell themselves) and hold on to the shattered dream of the marriage 'til the very end. These spouses need special help maneuvering the rough waters in the aftermath of the divorce. Researching and finding a skilled psychotherapist is a good starting point. Gathering loyal friends around you for support offers an environment of emotional safety and security. Being heard and understood by these friends furthers the healing process.

Be patient with yourself. You will have rough days. Don't make harsh self judgments. You have undergone a great trauma being married to and divorcing a narcissistic spouse. The body and mind are always seeking healing and equilibrium. Work with this natural process. Pay attention to your dreams---they are wise messengers. Let yourself cry and grieve. Take time for yourself every day to meditate, journal, listen to music---whatever you do that you find to be calming and recuperative. Take care of yourself physically. Eat foods that will sustain your health and increase your energy, Exercise in the ways that are best suited to you---walking, the gym, yoga-- physical activities that you enjoy. Getting enough sleep is vital. Sleep is the great healer--a blessing and balm to the body, mind and psyche. Your life is being renewed. Be kind to yourself.

Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Many people have narcissistic friends who are taking advantage of them and who cannot be trusted with confidences or personal information. High level narcissists, those who are socially very smooth and highly successful in the world, can be difficult to detect. Here are a few clues to narcissistic psychopathology among your friends:

Total self-absorption - The narcissist is totally self-focused. Everything in his internal or external environment is about him---life experiences, professional accomplishments, academic achievements, successful investments, perfect families, and the list is endless.  There is a grandiosity and superiority to the self-absorption of a narcissist. He brags, flaunts, struts---always moving about the stage to catch the center of the spotlight. You remain in his or her shadow.

There are individuals who are self-absorbed but are not narcissists. In conversation you notice that they are not capable of listening--taking you what you have to say.You make a comment, they move on to their next subject or they give you a very brief thoughtless response and resume their monologue. An individual who takes over the conversation is not a narcissist. If this friend is loyal to you, cares deeply about your welfare and is empathic and kind, he or she is very unlikely to be a narcissist.

Lack of Empathy - This is the key human quality that is missing in the narcissist. Having empathy, we are capable of putting ourselves in the other person's place, emotionally and psychologically. We leave our ego needs and psychologically sense what they are experiencing and feeling. In a way, we become that person, so that we can understand what is happening to them. Empathic people have a beautiful willingness to let go of their lives in order to help someone else. Their focus is not on what they can get from a relationship but what they can do or say that will alleviate another person's suffering. The narcissist never developed this quality. Don't expect that he or she will ever become empathic.

Lack of Genuine Warmth - Narcissists are cold and manipulative. They can appear to be charming and ingratiating------even irresistible. But this is a trap. Watch the follow-up to the great rush of warmth thats coming at you. Does you friend drop the ball, forget to call you. Do you have to initiate all of the contacts between the two of you? Does your friend cancel engagements with you or act out by being a "no-show" and expect you to make excuses for him/her.

Exploitive - All relationships with narcissists are exploitive. "The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others---their time, talent, creative ideas, energies---to serve his purpose alone. Believing that you have a genuine relationship with a narcissist is an illusion. This is the harsh truth. Narcissists are talented at pretending that they care about us. But this is masterful deception on parade.

These are several of the most significant clinical characteristics of the narcissistic personality disorder. Trust your intuition with "friendships." Learn more about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I have heard countless life histories of children who grew up with a narcissistic sibling. They have suffered horribly and been neglected by their parents. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy and have triumphed to lead their own lives, out of the shadow of their narcissistic brother or sister.

 A typical scenario is that of the older brother athlete. In one family the father (Gerald) knew when his son was born that he would become a professional star athlete. The son (Brett) was physically strong and very well coordinated. Gerald began training his son at the age of three. He spent all of his waking hours, working with Gerald at developing his athletic potential. For Gerald it was an obsession. Gerald was a frustrated athlete. The mother (Janice) was so intimidated by her husband that she had no influence over how her son was raised. As long as Brett performed, he was never taught to treat others with dignity and respect. When he was cruel to his sister Pamela and talked back to his mom, Gerald never corrected him since he saw his son as perfect. As Brett grew he did become a superior player and eventually became professional. Growing up, Brett's trophies dominated the house. In every corner, there were altars to his athletic excellence.

Brett's sister Pamela was a non-entity in the house. She felt like a stranger living there. Pamela was on the sidelines permanently. Although she was an excellent student, Gerald never acknowledged the value of his daughter's gifts. Women in all forms were a nuisance to him, including his wife and daughter. Pamela succeeded academically and became a university professor. She left home early and never looked back. She benefited from good psychotherapy and was able to deal with the psychological deficits she endured during childhood. She studied the narcissistic personality intensely and understood that her brother and her father suffered from this severe personality disorder.

Today she keeps her brother at a safe distance. Pamela maintains her psychological boundaries with him. She is neither overwhelmed nor intimidated by him anymore. She is aware of all of his manipulative games and hidden agendas. Pamela is a success story, an inspiration. She has worked very hard to experience herself as a whole, evolving and secure individual. To learn more specifics about the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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When you work for a narcissist, your life is taken over by his/her psychopathology. He demands your attention and full sprinted effort 24/7. He expects total loyalty to him but is very disloyal. The narcissist coldly uses those who work for him. Develop a deep understanding of the narcissistic personality disorder, maintain your psychological boundaries and learn not to overreact to his tantrums and extreme grandiosity. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com  

Dealing with narcissistic family members is exceedingly difficult. After all, these are our brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandparents. We grew up with these individuals. In many instances we share a common gene pool. Even if we don't, they are part of our family constellation. This thinking is ingrained in most of us, particularly when we were are very young. It is like breathing---father, mother, sister, brother---kin. We are told directly and indirectly to trust our family members. These are the people we can always count on. This is society's message. But this is not always the truth about our closest relatives, especially if they are narcissists.

If we have narcissistic family members, we can count on this: they are narcissists first and family members, second, third, fourth--often last. This is a difficult and painful truth for those who suffer at their mercy and keep blaming themselves that their narcissistic brother or sister or parent(s) label them--defective, stupid, inept, worthless, naive, even evil.

The narcissist is a master of projection.We all have character deficits but when we are constantly berated with every step and move by the narcissist, we can be sure it is his/her  projection. A projection is an unconscious defense mechnism in which the narcissist psychologically ejects his own self hatred and self loathing on to someone else. The highly charged, toxic unconscious feelings the narcissist has about himself are projected on to the sibling, parent, child or other victims who receive and internalize the venom.

Don't take the bait or ingest the venom. Learning how to specifically identify narcissistic family members will open your eyes wide. Protect and distance yourself from them. Narcissists have neither psychological limits nor boundaries. Be clear about your own boundaries and do not allow yourself to be overrun by the narcissist. Build up your psychological immune system with your knowledge of narcissists, understanding and respect for your unique autonomy and developing strategies for quieting your mind and body as well as increasing your self assertion skills. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com