You cannot always see it in their faces or hear it in their words but daughters of narcissistic mothers often feel psychologically empty and emotionally lost. Many of these daughters are in denial because the emotional pain of being raised by a mother in name only is too hard to bear. They are psychologically numb. They anesthetize themselves with "exciting" relationships, often to narcissistic men. This is a pattern that I have noticed over time that is quite common. You would wonder why anyone would expose themselves to a toxic narcissist after they had endured the royal treatment with mother. This is because as children our reality begins and ends with mother and father. Narcissistic mothers regularly cast the father out of the picture, rule him, emasculate him and denigrate him. Men who endure this treatment often become unavailable to their children. They are terrified of their wives. They fear the recriminations and accusations and the constant vile criticisms. Often these men become workaholics and are absent from the family home most of the time.
Narcissistic women marry men they can control, blame, abuse and discard. This leaves the daughter of the narcissist face to face with a formidable presence. No daughter can ever measure up and be accepted as an individual or cherished as a child or adult by a narcissistic mother.
As small children, these daughters are constantly on the alert for mother's real or metaphorical footsteps.Mother seems to be ever-present to pounce on them, especially if the daughter is attempting to share her unique creative ideas and talents. This is especially true if the daughter of the NM is not the Golden Child. The NM treats this one like a fly that has buzzed across her forehead once too many times.
Narcissistic mothers often act as if they don't have a daughter. Many of them spend most of their tune climbing the career and job ladder. Together with this they have a very active social life. They would rather spend time with people who keep their massive egos inflated than be in the company of a small child who needs constant attention and care. Very young, they are passed off to child care services or nannies without a backward glance. Meanwhile, mother is playing the role or Queen wwherever she goes---fooling many people into thinking she is a fine human being.
Daughters of NMs struggle with evolving their own true identities after the maternal deprivation and abuse of their childhoods. They don't trust themselves; they lack confidence Many are always worried about what "Mother" will think even though deep down they know she doesn't care.
Some of these daughters have a time of reckoning---a big wake up call. They realize that they are not evolving but living in the shadow of a cruel cold non mother. They feel they must save themselves and claim their individuality. Daughters who make this decision often benefit from psychotherapy, group support and other healing modalities including gentle yoga, meditation, using their creativity, following their gifts and passions to re-create themselves. With perseverance and faith in themselves, they re-set their lives, re-discovering their true identities. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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Narcissistic Daddy's Girls Despise Men
There are daddy's girls who are very successful. I have read many accounts of women who favored their father over their mother because he was emotionally more accessible. Mother was distant and cold. Many daddy's girls grow up to be confident women. Since early childhood they have felt the special love and bond of a father who communicates to this child that she is capable of doing anything she chooses. Her horizons are limitless. The protective and open love and affection of a wonderful father has a powerful effect of solidfying and strengthening the psychological core of the daughter.
In the case of the narcissistic daddy's girl the pattern of behavior and the messages the narcissistic father sends his daughter cause great psychological harm to her. If she is adored over the mother and there is an abnormal erotic tie between the two of them, the daughter learns that she can manipulate her father and get whatever she wants. She flirts with him and the father reciprocates by promising her she is the only love of her life. Altenenirhough there is no overt sexual interplay between the two of them, the strong pull of eros is always in the air. Fathers of narcissistic daddy's girls are often narcissistic. The young daughter learns to worship at the throne of the father's grandiose false self. She watches how he connives and manipulates his spouse, children, in-laws, siblings and everyone else in his life. She thrills to the glances he gives her saying without words: "You are my favorite-Even my wife cannot compete with you." The daughter believes these messages and is besotted with dad. She wants to be exactly like him. He is her master teacher. As she moves through adolescence and young adulthood, this daughter gathers momentum in the ruthless art of getting men to fall in love with her. She often has more than one on the string at any given time. She knows how to juggle men the way her dad juggles his girlfriends.
When surveys the environment of men and finds that she gets all of the attention. If she is physically attractive and magnetic, she can have her pick. Now a fully developed narcissistic personality, the daughter chooses a man to marry, not because she loves him but to fulfill her grand vision of her own life. Deep inside she knows that if this doesn't work out, she will be free to choose someone else.
The narcissistic daddy's girl has struck a deal not a marriage. She has found pure gold in a man over whom she has complete control, who will further her highest career ambitions, enhance her social connections and never say No to her. Deep down she hates her partner and all other men. She views them as weak and malleable--not very smart. NDG's victimize men throughout their lives, leaving many broken hearts and financial disasters in their wake.
To avoid becoming entranced with a narcissistic daddy's girl, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Never Underestimate Narcissist's Cunning
The narcissist is a restless human being. He/she is always seeking narcissistic supplies--those psychological foods that he must have in order to keep his ego sense of self fully inflated. On an unconscious level the narcissist suffers from feelings of inner emptiness. Rarely is a narcissist in touch with this part of himself/herself on a conscious level. The narcissist's defense mechanisms--his belief that he is superior to others, that he is perfect, that everyone is inferior to him, that he can control and manipulate anyone to achieve his grandiose goals for power and monetary gain. (Not all narcissists are materialistic but most of the "successful" ones are obsessed with acquiring material possessions and monetary power as well as social connections that will smooth their pathway to power.
Those who marry narcissists are unaware of their cunning and secrecy. Because of their charm and capacity to "read" their spouses and know their weak spots, they are clever at knowing when you are vulnerable, exhausted, confused, feeling desperate. It is at these times in particular that their plans for how to control you further are hatched. One common scenario is that of the narcissistic spouse who marries a partner who is affluent due to their own professional success or is a member of a family that is prominent and wealthy. From the beginning the narcissistic spouse knows exactly how he will thread the needle, become indispensable to the in-laws, ingratiate himself to your siblings and become fully trusted in the family. It is from this false base of pseudo trust that the narcissist's begins his dirty work. If you genuinely trust a narcissistic spouse, be ready to be deceived, betrayed and taken for a very bumpy ride. I hear scenarios every day where the narcissistic spouse talked the innocent partner into taking over all of her financial affairs and appointing himself (or a close narcissistic confidente of his) to become executor and have power of attorney. This narcissist has done such a masterful job of deluding your family members, he is believed and they relinquish their power to him. He is deemed the savior and bright light of the family.
In some cases the narcissist changes the family member's perceptions so completely that they turn against the non-narcissistic spouse. As the marriage crumbles and divorce is inevitable, the non narcissistic spouse is left, deserted and betrayed without the support of her family. To arm and protect yoursself from the cunning narcissist, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Those who marry narcissists are unaware of their cunning and secrecy. Because of their charm and capacity to "read" their spouses and know their weak spots, they are clever at knowing when you are vulnerable, exhausted, confused, feeling desperate. It is at these times in particular that their plans for how to control you further are hatched. One common scenario is that of the narcissistic spouse who marries a partner who is affluent due to their own professional success or is a member of a family that is prominent and wealthy. From the beginning the narcissistic spouse knows exactly how he will thread the needle, become indispensable to the in-laws, ingratiate himself to your siblings and become fully trusted in the family. It is from this false base of pseudo trust that the narcissist's begins his dirty work. If you genuinely trust a narcissistic spouse, be ready to be deceived, betrayed and taken for a very bumpy ride. I hear scenarios every day where the narcissistic spouse talked the innocent partner into taking over all of her financial affairs and appointing himself (or a close narcissistic confidente of his) to become executor and have power of attorney. This narcissist has done such a masterful job of deluding your family members, he is believed and they relinquish their power to him. He is deemed the savior and bright light of the family.
In some cases the narcissist changes the family member's perceptions so completely that they turn against the non-narcissistic spouse. As the marriage crumbles and divorce is inevitable, the non narcissistic spouse is left, deserted and betrayed without the support of her family. To arm and protect yoursself from the cunning narcissist, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Spouses---Psychological Abuse Must Stop
Narcissistic spouses are known for taking their husbands or wives beyond the point of endurance. They don't care one whit if you are becoming emotionally fragile, have post traumatic stress, physical symptoms--headaches, gastrointestinal problems, bouts of debilitating depression, insomnia and hundreds of others disturbances. They live strictly for themselves. In fact if you go to them for mercy and tell them you are suffering they will tell you any of the following: " you are weak and too sensitive", It's all in your mind" "your imagination is too vivid" "You're making it up to upset me" "You're a drama queen (or king)","you're mentally unbalanced" and innumerable labels and cruel retorts. How many times have you told yourself you can't take this abuse any longer. You're not sleeping; you are jumping with nerves every time you know you husband will be at home. You dread having to be near this person. You are always waiting for the next verbal assault--It can come any time of day or night. Some narcissistic spouses awaken their partners in the middle of the night and go on verbal rampages for hours nonstop.
A point of reckoning is to know through your research and insight that the person to whom you are married is a narcissistic personality. This individual is not going to change. You have suffered for too long and your quality of life, including your physical energy, mental focus, feelings of emotional security and concerns about your children are negatively effected by continuing in the marriage. The time has come and the decision is yours. You long to take back your own life, your own mind, your individual gifts and energies. You can decide how you want to live---starting this moment. Pay close attention to your inner self. You can leave the narcissist and lead the life that you deserve. You have that strength, faith and perseverance. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers--Healing Your Identity
Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter's individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of "mothering." Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don't permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child's special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:" You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What's the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I'm beginning to think you have severe emotional problems--and on and on.
The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities---her mother's perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid "star" daughter "not the other ones."
Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother's primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them---nonstop.
Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.
Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn't care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.
These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes---other family members--aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.
Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: " You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding." "I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself."
Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Mother's Pernicious Envy of Daughter
The narcissistic mother's shares the stage with no one---not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother's perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter's beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother's ego fully inflated.
Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected---left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom's enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the "problem daughter" who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother's attempt to demean and diminish her daughter's identity.
On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother's envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother's psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures --teachers, aunts, grandmothers--who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.
Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection--becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissistic Gurus--Malicious-Venal-Seductive
There were always narcissistic mentors who took full advantage of the pain and suffering of others. Many of these narcissists arrive on the scene with the highest credentials. Others create themselves out of their manic self beliefs of superiority and their abilities to influence and control prospective followers who become their victims. Most of the current society today accepts and even adulates these individuals. Superlative salesmen, they exact tremendous sums of money from individuals who are having serious problems. They have no expertise or understanding about serious psychological issues (nor do they care a whit). As a result they often cause incredible emotional and personal damage to their victims.
Narcissistic gurus are gifted performers that persuade you to believe in the delusion that they are selling. They project tremendous psychic energy and pseudo passion that cause a group contagion nearing worship. These gurus extract enormous sums of money from corporations and individuals for their services.
They cross over the personal boundaries of those who are the most desperate and have no support system. Helplessness and severe personal crisis combined with the victim's ability to pay outrageous fees is the perfect equation for the narcissistic guru to step in and perform "his/her magic."
Once the individual has psychologically fused with the NG these individuals are counting the money coming into the coffers, keeping the victim on the string, using masterful manipulative techniques that include praise and intimidation plays. NGs escalate and enlarge their following by having their underlings sign up more prospective victims. Those who have been psychologically damaged are left in a state of confusion, fear and self-doubt. They often blame themselves, believing that they cannot achieve what the guru is demanding of them.
Some victims of NGs reach a crisis and recognize that they can't continue a pattern that is causing continued distress and psychological pain. They finally listen to their intuition which has been making many efforts to protect them. They research narcissistic personality disorders and realize that they have been victims. Holding the truth of the real nature of the NG they now move forward to sever the relationship and separate out as individuals. They can now be the authors of their own lives and are finally free to be themselves on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife..com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Covert Narcissistic Spouses Max Out Stress Levels
Covert narcissists are a rare breed whom most people believe are fine human beings. While they are showing their spiritual bonafides and everyone is buying their story and heaping on praise, you are married to this impossible person. Very few outside of the family home ever find out how psychologically toxic the covert narcissist is.
Spouses are victims of narcissistic abuse--veiled threats to ruin your reputation, constant put downs and stunning humiliations, being told that you are at fault (when it is the narcissist who has made egregious mistakes), bout after bout of Vesuvian narcissistic rage. Some spouses feel that they deserve this horrendous treatment because they think little of themselves. They have been emotionally pummeled all of their lives and don't know the difference.
Others know that the marriage is a travesty, that they are suffering from serious symptoms of stress--They are maxed out with chronic headaches, free floating anxiety, hyper-vigilance, insomnia, intestinal discomforts and obsessive self doubt and lack of confidence.
Fortunately many of these victims finally acknowledge to themselves that they can no longer live in these dreadful, life draining circumstances. They want their psychological and physical health back and their stamina and finally, to return to themselves, their lives, their creative gifts, solitude and a promise of peace. Many sufferers of the convert narcissist study the literature and discover that they have been married to one of these severe personality disorders. Some are helped by quality psychotherapy, support groups and friends who are supportive and available at all times. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcisistinyourlife.com
Spouses---Succumbing to Narcissistic Spouse's Delusion
The narcissist lives in a complex psychopathological world, dominated by impenetrable delusions: supreme superiority to everyone, belief in his perfection, limitless self entitlement, massive denial, total lack of conscience, a drive to severely damage those who obstruct his goals.
A delusion is a series of false beliefs that the narcissist holds as his reality.Immersed in deep delusion the narcissist has no access to self truth. His psychological defenses are like reinforced layers of steel.
When you marry a narcissist it is likely that you are unaware of his true nature. You have fallen in love with a highly believable false self individual. Narcissists are often physically attractive. They are obsessed with their physical appearance and display a compelling outer image. Once they make the decision they rivet their attention on you, making you feel special, irreplaceable. Narcissists move in very quickly at the seduction game and wrap up "the deal" --the marriage---with great aplomb. The spouse of the narcissist is fully entranced. As the years go by and the abuse and cruelties mount there are rough spots. Along with these are interspersed huge upsides---money, properties, travel, the royal treatment---that always brings the prodigal partner back into the fold.
The non narcissistic spouse has lost touch with her own identity despite a successful professional career of her own. She/he dives deeper and deeper into the solid belief that material goods, high social status and worldly clout matter the most. She has the freedom to do whatever she wants.
Spouses who now are permanently attached to their narcissistic mates are belted in for the full ride. The curtain of delusion has fallen over this spouse as she fully embraces the false regressive reality, a full eclipse of her real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Narcissist's Perfected Image--Inner Emptiness and Volcanic Rage
Narcissists are always working on their external image---their faces, clothing, accessories, homes, cars, etc. Part of this image that they constantly announce to the world is the perfection of their wives and children. After all they must be on display as a mirror of the narcissist's perfection. Children who are attractive, talented and bright are highly prized by the narcissist since they are indicative of his/her superiority and extraordinary image in the world. Narcissists are about the surface of reality not the internal meaning. They are clever at manipulated other people, especially their spouses and children, but this is their extreme cunning not any intellectual, psychololgical or emotional depth. The narcissist suffers from an unconscious psychological emptiness. This is often demonstrated in his frequent bouts of vituperative rage. re famous for their volcanic rage which flows out of them and on to their spouses in particular with great fury. This noxious rage is projected on to spouses like an attack of snake venom. What is happening here is that the toxic contents of the narcissist's unconscious are vomited out on to the victim---spouses, ex-spouses, children. The outer world gives the narcissist a pass especially if he is very successful and prominent. The other reason is that the narcissist plays his good guy magnetic hero role to the hilt in public, including church, business and socially. When a spouse complains to anyone, she is considered to ungrateful or psychologically unbalanced.
The narcissist fools even more people during this current narcissistic age in which everything is externalized---life is a performance. What we wear, where we live, the kinds of investments we have, the brands of our clothing, our shoes, the jewelry we wear, the dewy youthfulness of our faces-----This what matters to so many in the current public mode. The media creates stars out of people who look physically gorgeous and extremely handsome. Many people are so deluded that they believe that how you look and act is the real you---They are WRONG! Trust in your true inner self. Do your research on the narcissistic personality disorder. You are meeting them every day. Recognize them quickly so that you can be self protective. You can say to yourself: " I know who you really are. You can't fool me or control me. I know that you project your venom on to others---Don't try that with me. It won't work!" To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
